Is it common for guys to ditch a first date based on another great first date?

[babybrowns]

Hello all,

One week ago, I matched with a guy online. He asked me out immediately and we scheduled a first date for tomorrow; I couldn't make it before then. This past week, he was almost 'lovebombing' me. He wasn't sending me texts, but rather very long voice messages every day. He was almost using me as a personal journal. 

In these voice messages, he would detail what he's been up to that day, what his worries and his hopes are about what he'd be doing that afternoon, how excited he was to meet me this week, and how he hoped I was still excited about our date too, everything. He asked me to send voice notes back which I did. My tone was friendly and interested, without giving too much away since I'd not met him in person yet. He kept saying how eager he was to meet the person behind the voice. Until..

Today, he sent me an abrupt text message. Told me he went on a first date with another girl earlier this week whom he "really liked a lot and is seeing her for a second date later this week too." How he had to cancel our date because he is "not that kind of guy". But that he "enjoyed our lovely messages". I was disheartened by this since I was looking forward to meeting him, especially after how he got me to connect with him/ warm to him via sharing these 'close and personal' voice messages with me every day.

I know that it was my choice to not have this first date with him sooner. But it was just such an abrupt turnaround, I am wondering if it is common for men to just drop all prospects suddenly if they go on a great first date?

[normal person]

It sounds more like this particular guy has some kind of personality quirk where he gets way too attached and invested in people, seemingly before meeting them and after. That seems like very odd behavior and could be indicative of some other idiosyncrasies I personally wouldn't want to have to navigate. It sounds like you dodged a bullet, to be honest. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering if it is common for men to just drop all prospects suddenly if they go on a great first date?

No it isn't common.  They must have really connected so he wants to give her a try.  That's okay at least this happened before you met in person.  No sweat off of your back.

[babybrowns]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

No it isn't common.  They must have really connected so he wants to give her a try.  That's okay at least this happened before you met in person.  No sweat off of your back.

Yea, I just find it a bit odd since we seemed to connect too this past 7 days, he was really opening up to me like a personal journal. We were scheduled to meet in person for the first time tomorrow and he was saying how he was looking forward to it, but his other first date this week has made him suddenly want to put all eggs in one basket? Does seem rather odd to me

Edited September 9, 2020 by babybrowns

[Datingdisabled]

46 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Yea, I just find it a bit odd since we seemed to connect too this past 7 days, he was really opening up to me like a personal journal. We were scheduled to meet in person for the first time tomorrow and he was saying how he was looking forward to it, but his other first date this week has made him suddenly want to put all eggs in one basket? Does seem rather odd to me

Unfortunately, he may have emotional issues such as myself and needed to latch on to someone more emotionally stable. It wasn't the right thing to do. 

[babybrowns]

32 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

Unfortunately, he may have emotional issues such as myself and needed to latch on to someone more emotionally stable. It wasn't the right thing to do. 

I’m not sure what you mean? Are you saying he wanted to latch onto me before he met someone else in person?

[ajequals]

Although it's heartbreaking I suspect he's just not a player, he's a one woman guy. who knows maybe after the second date. he might be in contact with you again

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Yea, I just find it a bit odd since we seemed to connect too this past 7 days, he was really opening up to me like a personal journal. We were scheduled to meet in person for the first time tomorrow and he was saying how he was looking forward to it, but his other first date this week has made him suddenly want to put all eggs in one basket? Does seem rather odd to me

You dodged a bullet. Were these messages personalized or prerecorded and sent to everyone on his list? Whatever 'type of guy" he is, he'll probably be back if this other date or ex or on/off gf  doesn't pan out.

[babybrowns]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. Were these messages personalized or prerecorded and sent to everyone on his list? Whatever 'type of guy" he is, he'll probably be back if this other date or ex or on/off gf  doesn't pan out.

That’s a good point- although his voice messages were very up-close and personal, detailing every part of his day, they lacked something- nothing to do with me. One of the days, I told him I gave a presentation at work that went well, he didn’t even comment on it, just a monologue about what he did that day. Like all of his voice messages- monologues for a personal diary.

My messages to him would be commenting positively on the things he told me and expressing interest in the things he was talking about, and then adding one or two things of my own. Contrary to this, his voice messages to me would be very disconnected from me and just ‘in his own world’ , as if I were a soundboard to offload onto.

I didn’t reply to his cancellation text. I didn’t block him incase he does get in touch again, but it really doesn’t sound as appealing if he were to now 

Edited September 9, 2020 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

That’s a good point- although his voice messages were very up-close and personal, detailing every part of his day, they lacked something- nothing to do with me. I told him I gave a presentation at work last week that went well, he didn’t even comment on it, just a monologue about what he did that day. Like all of his voice messages- monologues for a personal diary. Lol

He would call or text, not send VM messages if he wanted to get to know you. He's either very lazy or trying to create a faux connection through these VMs. Think about it who does that? Every right swipe on his tinder got the same VMs.

Edited September 9, 2020 by Wiseman2

[ShyViolet]

No, this whole situation is not common at all.  This guy sounds crazy.  It's not normal to leave a person long voice messages every day when you just met online and haven't even met in person yet. It's a bit much.   Many people would be completely creeped out by that.  He did you a favor by cancelling your plans to meet. 

[babybrowns]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He would call or text, not send VM messages if he wanted to get to know you. He's either very lazy or trying to create a faux connection through these VMs. Think about it who does that? Every right swipe on his tinder got the same VMs.

I definitely think it was something to do with creating a false connection/ closeness/ warming me up for this date that he was supposedly so excited for 

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

No, this whole situation is not common at all.  This guy sounds crazy.  It's not normal to leave a person long voice messages every day when you just met online and haven't even met in person yet. It's a bit much.   Many people would be completely creeped out by that.  He did you a favor by cancelling your plans to meet. 

I did find it strange how he dived right in at the deep end. But being someone who is looking for a connection, after encountering guys who just want something physical, it didn’t put me off. Especially when he kept saying with a sincere voice how he was looking forward to meeting up..and then this random gesture when he ends it all by a short text for some other gal he met on a first date earlier this week...talk about abrupt endings!

Edited September 9, 2020 by babybrowns

[ShyViolet]

7 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I did find it strange how he dived right in at the deep end. But being someone who is looking for a connection, after encountering guys who just want something physical, it didn’t put me off. 

Please don't ignore red flags or crazy behavior just because you are looking for a connection.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like he's desperate for somebody to glom onto immediately. I agree you dodged a bullet. I'd give this whacko the old block and delete. 

[Erik30]

It happens. A girl once did the same thing to me. We met on Tinder, I was writing a paper at the time so I had to postpone our date a week. During that week she had a date with another guy, she liked him so much that she ended up cancelling our date.

It sucks but things like this can always happen with online dating. People just have a lot of options... But at least it didn't happen after you went on a (great) date with this guy. 

Though the voice messages are a bit weird... So you're probably better off 

Edited September 9, 2020 by Erik30

[Dork Vader]

I would agree with others he seems to get overly invested in things too quickly. I will say how ever, I do only date one woman at a time. I might talk to 3-4-5 women at a time on dating websites and through text messages/phone calls. Typically once I've gone a date with one, I tend to back off from the others I'm talking to. It depends how the date went. If things went well and it seems like there is potential for more. I typically back way off from the others I was communicating with. How ever that depends on various things.. If she says she has other dates lined up, then I'll continue to engage with the other women I have/had been talking to.

Dating is expensive.. Going on multiple dates a week adds up quick, especially if I'm picking up the tabs for everything. I don't like love triangles or the potential headaches involved with going on dates with multiple women. It's just too much of a headache, amongst other issues. It can get overwhelming in multiple ways. So typically I keep the dating in person to just one. 

If you're curious why i would talk to so many women at once from dating websites. The vast majority disappear before I even get a chance at meeting them... 

Edited September 10, 2020 by Dork Vader

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't know about common but it does happen. 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, babybrowns said:

he was really opening up to me like a personal journal. 

Be careful to avoid confusing 'opening up' with 'word vomit'.   Honestly, what you describe sounds a bit OTT

[ExpatInItaly]

Dude sounds off. Rambling narrations of his day before you’ve even met? No thanks.

I wouldn’t be too upset that he’s canceled. 

[babybrowns]

6 hours ago, Erik30 said:

It happens. A girl once did the same thing to me. We met on Tinder, I was writing a paper at the time so I had to postpone our date a week. During that week she had a date with another guy, she liked him so much that she ended up cancelling our date.

It sucks but things like this can always happen with online dating. People just have a lot of options... But at least it didn't happen after you went on a (great) date with this guy. 

Though the voice messages are a bit weird... So you're probably better off 

Thank you yes it is exactly this that happened. I agree that it is much better it happened in this way rather than being ditched after meeting in person for someone else- that would have been horrible! Although the investing from his end was so heavy with all the voice messages, that for it to suddenly end in the abrupt way it did was unexpected.

One would think that somebody a guy‘s been pouring his innermost thoughts onto every day, as well as expressing enthusiasm about meeting her, would not be discarded so suddenly the day before the first date just because of another good first date? It sounds a little narcissistic; that he is just out to look for a ‘supply’ and now that he’s found one he doesn’t need it from anywhere else. 

I get the concept of no multi dating which he portrays, but I would have thought most people get to this stage after atleast 2 dates with someone, rather than cut everything off after date #1- sounds a bit of a gamble!

Anyway I’m glad I don’t have to sit through an evening nodding along to his in-person narrations of his day without him asking me or commenting on a single thing about myself, if his voice messages were anything to go by.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Thank you yes it is exactly this that happened. I agree that it is much better it happened in this way rather than being ditched after meeting in person for someone else- that would have been horrible! Although the investing from his end was so heavy with all the voice messages, that for it to suddenly end in the abrupt way it did was unexpected.

That's just it, though - it wasn't heavy investing; it was a guy who liked the sound of his own voice and was looking for an audience. 

[NuevoYorko]

When I was dating online,  when I was certainly interested in a woman I would not meet others.  Even if I had not yet met the one who interested me face to face.

The general behavior of this guy of yours, though, is not normal.  Giant red flags which don't even include the abrupt disconnect.  

[Azincourt]

17 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Hello all,

One week ago, I matched with a guy online. He asked me out immediately and we scheduled a first date for tomorrow; I couldn't make it before then. This past week, he was almost 'lovebombing' me. He wasn't sending me texts, but rather very long voice messages every day. He was almost using me as a personal journal. 

In these voice messages, he would detail what he's been up to that day, what his worries and his hopes are about what he'd be doing that afternoon, how excited he was to meet me this week, and how he hoped I was still excited about our date too, everything. He asked me to send voice notes back which I did. My tone was friendly and interested, without giving too much away since I'd not met him in person yet. He kept saying how eager he was to meet the person behind the voice. Until..

Today, he sent me an abrupt text message. Told me he went on a first date with another girl earlier this week whom he "really liked a lot and is seeing her for a second date later this week too." How he had to cancel our date because he is "not that kind of guy". But that he "enjoyed our lovely messages". I was disheartened by this since I was looking forward to meeting him, especially after how he got me to connect with him/ warm to him via sharing these 'close and personal' voice messages with me every day.

I know that it was my choice to not have this first date with him sooner. But it was just such an abrupt turnaround, I am wondering if it is common for men to just drop all prospects suddenly if they go on a great first date?

LMAO sounds like the guy's got that kind of personality where he gets emotionally attached HARD to the first woman who gives him attention, and he's using you as his personal facebok journal, I don't know what's up with that.

This guy is a waste of time. He's just wasting your time and that other woman's time, as what he seems to be looking for is validation and attention, really who texts a potential girlfriend to tell her about how great of a date he had with another woman?

Sounds like he has a neurological condition, and dudes with aspergers or autism are hard to date. Go meet other men. This one is a dud.

Quote

I know that it was my choice to not have this first date with him sooner. But it was just such an abrupt turnaround, I am wondering if it is common for men to just drop all prospects suddenly if they go on a great first date?

Well, that depends on the guy and on what he's looking for. If a guy is really into a woman he's not going to drop all prospects to be with someone else.  Even if she's more attractive, has more money etc etc, he'll stick with his heart's choice, but if t he guy is just kicking a ball around, and isn't interested in anything serious - yeah, he's gonna drop all of his prospects for the one woman he's dying to sleep with.

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 I didn’t block him incase he does get in touch again, but it really doesn’t sound as appealing if he were to now 

Would you really want to entertain this guy after he dumped you to go out with someone else?

[Azincourt]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Would you really want to entertain this guy after he dumped you to go out with someone else?

Yeah, OP.  What's up with that? Why are you even entertaining the idea of dating a guy who sees you as #2 dating option, or maybe #3 dating option, if he comes across a woman he's excited to be with more than he is with that other woman he texted you about?

Lady, there are literally millions of men out there who'd love to date you. Don't demean yourself by dating a guy who sees women as shiny objects to be acquired and moved on from as soon as another shiny object enters his trajectory.