My GF resents my career choice and it's casting doubts on our whole relationship

September 10, 2020

1 hour ago, bobjon said:

You have "life threatening allergies" at 22 but you want into FF? I guess if the force is desperate enough, but seems like a concerning plan. Have a plan B

There are apparatuses that can help you give mouth to mouth, and I’m perfectly healthy otherwise, so I don’t think it’s that big a deal

September 10, 2020

Just now, Redsnow479 said:

There are apparatuses that can help you give mouth to mouth, and I’m perfectly healthy otherwise, so I don’t think it’s that big a deal

I don't think you follow. You have stated you have very severe allergies. You most certainly WILL be subjected to allergens on the job. Depending on location and level of desperation of the dept, this can disqualify you and probably for your own good! I don't care if you proceed or not, but sometimes you have to be real with yourself. Are you going to pull up to a situation, start having issues, then throw on an SCBA in that condition?

At the least it could be a very big hassle for you. At most, you can put your team member's at risk. You cannot count on always having an SCBA on you, or even working!

September 10, 2020

3 minutes ago, bobjon said:

I don't think you follow. You have stated you have very severe allergies. You most certainly WILL be subjected to allergens on the job. Depending on location and level of desperation of the dept, this can disqualify you and probably for your own good! I don't care if you proceed or not, but sometimes you have to be real with yourself. Are you going to pull up to a situation, start having issues, then throw on an SCBA in that condition?

At the least it could be a very big hassle for you. At most, you can put your team member's at risk. You cannot count on always having an SCBA on you, or even working!

Of course I will be. I’ve asked firemen about it and they’ve not said it’s an issue. I’ll only have a reaction through ingestion and nothing else. Smells & whatnot don’t bother me, and I can touch anything I’m allergic to. It may disqualify me, but as of now I’ve heard nothing that indicates I’d be disqualified

September 10, 2020

7 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

They’re also just not flashy with their money, they live like regular middle class people.

You don't have to act like the nouveau riche to know how to draw up pre-nups and be in your child's ear about who she wants to settle down with in exchange for money to live on.

September 10, 2020

8 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You don't have to act like the nouveau riche to know how to draw up pre-nups and be in your child's ear about who she wants to settle down with in exchange for money to live on.

I do think her parents are in her ear, I just don’t think it’s about money. The spouses of each of her siblings are all doing worse jobs than a firefighter, believe me. I think her parents hate my allergies & the risk that come with being a FF and might be in her ear about that, tbf

September 10, 2020

9 minutes ago, kendahke said:

You don't have to act like the nouveau riche to know how to draw up pre-nups and be in your child's ear about who she wants to settle down with in exchange for money to live on.

As an aside, my gf absolutely doesn’t want a pre-nup, but I do actually.

September 10, 2020

7 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

As an aside, my gf absolutely doesn’t want a pre-nup, but I do actually.

I cannot believe you're discussing marriage at 22 years of age before becoming sexual with each other.

Not judging, perhaps that's the norm in your neck of the woods?

Unheard of in mine but best of luck! Take the FF test, if you pass, you're in!

Fingers crossed.

September 10, 2020

Just now, Redsnow479 said:

I do think her parents are in her ear, I just don’t think it’s about money. The spouses of each of her siblings are all doing worse jobs than a firefighter, believe me. I think her parents hate my allergies & the risk that come with being a FF and might be in her ear about that, tbf

Dude, really? Your allergies are bad enough that it is a "thing" for per parents, but you seem to think in FF, it will be a non-issue?

You also need to get off this "FF is the most dangerous job out there" kick. Then you discuss "construction" as an alt option? FF is a relatively safe job statistically, but if bad things happen, yes, you get to go in, WITH no expense spared for your safety!

Now if you want to be a "stud" join the Marines and grab a tour with your trusty M-4.....

I think if you check your facts, you will find construction is actually one of the most dangerous jobs!

I am just trying to give you sound (though harsh because that's how I role) advice about your allergy thing. You make it sound like you will die from an allergy attack but dealing with soot from a fire should be just fine.

September 10, 2020

23 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Dude, really? Your allergies are bad enough that it is a "thing" for per parents, but you seem to think in FF, it will be a non-issue?

You also need to get off this "FF is the most dangerous job out there" kick. Then you discuss "construction" as an alt option? FF is a relatively safe job statistically, but if bad things happen, yes, you get to go in, WITH no expense spared for your safety!

Now if you want to be a "stud" join the Marines and grab a tour with your trusty M-4.....

I think if you check your facts, you will find construction is actually one of the most dangerous jobs!

I am just trying to give you sound (though harsh because that's how I role) advice about your allergy thing. You make it sound like you will die from an allergy attack but dealing with soot from a fire should be just fine.

There’s no correlation between her parents not liking my allergies and a fire dept. does that mean by your logic I shouldn’t look for any job or pursue any relationship because of a risk? I’m more than capable of handling my allergies even on a call as a FF. The anxiety and paranoia my gf and her parents have about my allergies & career aren’t accurate reflections of my capability or how things will turn out. I just listed construction because my gf mentioned it in her anxious rant about other jobs I could have that aren’t 9-5, but again My plan is to get my PT licence on the side and look to teach after some years as a FF no matter what. I appreciate your harsh tone but I just think you’re being just as defeatist as my gf and her parents

September 10, 2020

53 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

my gf absolutely doesn’t want a pre-nup,

But her parents will... it isn't her money: it's theirs.

it's good that you do.

September 10, 2020

No, I am being a realist with a LOT more experience with life than you, and I am telling you to be honest with yourself. I have done a few things in life there snowflake. I am telling you that regardless of what you "want", your hand may be forced. A classmate that was very athletic had one of his 5min ideas to be a FF. He went through all the BS, then quit after 6mo because he was a pussy, and I knew that.

I am a guy that feeds on people telling me I can't do something......so prove me wrong! But I think you need to think if you really have a medical condition. You also need to drop the "so dangerous" BS..... It doesn't sound like it is getting your GF wet, and I just checked and I am not wet either....

September 10, 2020

Just now, kendahke said:

But her parents will... it isn't her money: it's theirs.

it's good that you do.

We don't know what kind of coin we are really talking here! Everyone is now making assumptions they are deep in the 9 figures. Who knows. I know plenty of people that want the world to believe they are "rich" and they are up to their eyeballs in debt on those LandRovers and lake house. Gotta have that image man..... However, it does sound like these parents are sensible and probably have a modest nest egg, and honestly sounds like these parents DO have "a clue" and I'd love to get their side.

I think it is normal for parents to vet their kid's partners.

Edited September 10, 2020 by bobjon

September 10, 2020

5 minutes ago, bobjon said:

No, I am being a realist with a LOT more experience with life than you, and I am telling you to be honest with yourself. I have done a few things in life there snowflake. I am telling you that regardless of what you "want", your hand may be forced. A classmate that was very athletic had one of his 5min ideas to be a FF. He went through all the BS, then quit after 6mo because he was a pussy, and I knew that.

I am a guy that feeds on people telling me I can't do something......so prove me wrong! But I think you need to think if you really have a medical condition. You also need to drop the "so dangerous" BS..... It doesn't sound like it is getting your GF wet, and I just checked and I am not wet either....

What the hell are you on about with this so dangerous bit??? I’m not afraid of anything I mentioned at all. Where did you get the idea that I’m afraid of anything I mentioned? I’m not

September 10, 2020

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I cannot believe you're discussing marriage at 22 years of age before becoming sexual with each other.

Not judging, perhaps that's the norm in your neck of the woods?

Unheard of in mine but best of luck! Take the FF test, if you pass, you're in!

Fingers crossed.

We used to have a lot of sex before covid; the pandemics what dried us up

September 11, 2020

Just now, Redsnow479 said:

What the hell are you on about with this so dangerous bit??? I’m not afraid of anything I mentioned at all. Where did you get the idea that I’m afraid of anything I mentioned? I’m not

Who said "afraid"? Hell, I know you are 22 and bulletproof, and we hand those spirited ones M4s! I just cannot tell who is wearing the tight jeans in this group because we keep talking about these "dangerous chemicals", "dangerous job", etc, and I don't know if your girl is the pansy or you are. What it DOES sound like is allergies rule your life, and so much that your GF and her parents are worried about it. I'd love to get the real scoop because if ya need a shot every time the wind blows, her points are valid and you are asking for problems in the FD.

Just now, Redsnow479 said:

We used to have a lot of sex before covid; the pandemics what dried us up

Oh, jezus! I am out.........

September 11, 2020

9 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Who said "afraid"? Hell, I know you are 22 and bulletproof, and we hand those spirited ones M4s! I just cannot tell who is wearing the tight jeans in this group because we keep talking about these "dangerous chemicals", "dangerous job", etc, and I don't know if your girl is the pansy or you are. What it DOES sound like is allergies rule your life, and so much that your GF and her parents are worried about it. I'd love to get the real scoop because if ya need a shot every time the wind blows, her points are valid and you are asking for problems in the FD.

Oh, jezus! I am out.........

You’re making no sense at all. How am I a wuss for wanting to do a job? I think FFs have a certain risk attached to the job, but am not concerned about it anymore than I would be. You mentioned being macho earlier as well, and that’s not why I want to be a FF. I want to be one so I can do meaningful work while avoiding a 9-5. My gfs concerns are 1000% valid. I came here asking for advice and you’ve been cryptic at best. What would you do if you were me? That’s all I want to know. I have no clue why you’ve taken it i upon yourself to attack me but it’s useless

September 11, 2020

25 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Oh, jezus! I am out.........

Oh lordy, where did you find that emoji? Lol

The pandemic sucks but that emoji made my day!

September 11, 2020

Just now, poppyfields said:

Oh lordy, where did you find that emoji? Lol

The pandemic sucks but that emoji made my day!

See, I can even swindle you with my humor.....

IDK, it was just in my list. It seemed so appropriate.

September 11, 2020

@Redsnow479

My ex girlfriend said the same exact thing as yours did to you: 'If I knew you were going to do this, I wouldn't have dated you."

You know what I did? I did what she wanted. I went back to school and I studied Economics instead of pursing my passions in music and scoring for film..because it was stable and because then she could justify introducing me to her parents. As a musician, I wouldn't cut it with her family. I had a full plan mapped out for myself which I had spent years working towards I gave it up to keep her and save my relationship. She eventually left the relationship anyway and now I was stuck in the middle of doing something I wasn't all that passionate in. But the fault ultimately falls on me. I was insecure back then and believed I needed a relationship to validate my own worth. So I prioritized it over my own life. When she threatened to leave over my career choices, I abandoned myself, for her.

It wasn't all a loss though because I made it count for something. Got my degree and specialized in accounting to give myself a specific skillset..even planned to get my CPA..but truthfully it really wasn't what I wanted. So 10 years later, now at 33, I'm going back to the things I wanted to do and doing it my way. But that was a lot of time out of my life.

If this happened now, I would have dumped her. Why? Because her trying to maneuver my life towards a path, that I know isn't for me, is not an acknowledgment of who I am. Rather, some version of me, that she wants me to be. And not just that, if I let her dictate things like career choices that have a direct impact on my well-being and my future..it sets the precedent for her strongarm me into compromising future decisions that are important to me.

People can change on a whim. Their feelings can change as well. It happens all the time. And I'm not basing that over my ex. That's over numerous years of seeing people come and go out of my life, through factors that were out of my control and had more to do with them. When you're trying to build your career and establish your future still, career choices are not something you want to be compromising for something as unreliable as people..as cynical as that sounds. A firefighter is a very specific choice and it tells me its something that you've given a lot of thought to. Something that you really want. Maybe your gf is more committed than mine was but by saying such things to you, she's basically telling you, she doesn't support your choice of career. And if she's giving you problems now, it'll likely escalate to a bigger problem for her later. Possibly the reason for you two ending. You feel that possibly, which is why you came on here, seeking advice.

I won't tell you what to do but consider this perspective.

- Beach

Edited September 11, 2020 by Beachead

September 11, 2020

50 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@Redsnow479

My ex girlfriend said the same exact thing as yours did to you: 'If I knew you were going to do this, I wouldn't have dated you."

You know what I did? I did what she wanted. I went back to school and I studied Economics instead of pursing my passions in music and scoring for film..because it was stable and because then she could justify introducing me to her parents. As a musician, I wouldn't cut it with her family. I had a full plan mapped out for myself which I had spent years working towards I gave it up to keep her and save my relationship. She eventually left the relationship anyway and now I was stuck in the middle of doing something I wasn't all that passionate in. But the fault ultimately falls on me. I was insecure back then and believed I needed a relationship to validate my own worth. So I prioritized it over my own life. When she threatened to leave over my career choices, I abandoned myself, for her.

It wasn't all a loss though because I made it count for something. Got my degree and specialized in accounting to give myself a specific skillset..even planned to get my CPA..but truthfully it really wasn't what I wanted. So 10 years later, now at 33, I'm going back to the things I wanted to do and doing it my way. But that was a lot of time out of my life.

If this happened now, I would have dumped her. Why? Because her trying to maneuver my life towards a path, that I know isn't for me, is not an acknowledgment of who I am. Rather, some version of me, that she wants me to be. And not just that, if I let her dictate things like career choices that have a direct impact on my well-being and my future..it sets the precedent for her strongarm me into compromising future decisions that are important to me.

People can change on a whim. Their feelings can change as well. It happens all the time. And I'm not basing that over my ex. That's over numerous years of seeing people come and go out of my life, through factors that were out of my control and had more to do with them. When you're trying to build your career and establish your future still, career choices are not something you want to be compromising for something as unreliable as people..as cynical as that sounds. A firefighter is a very specific choice and it tells me its something that you've given a lot of thought to. Something that you really want. Maybe your gf is more committed than mine was but by saying such things to you, she's basically telling you, she doesn't support your choice of career. And if she's giving you problems now, it'll likely escalate to a bigger problem for her later. Possibly the reason for you two ending. You feel that possibly, which is why you came on here, seeking advice.

I won't tell you what to do but consider this perspective.

- Beach

Thank you for your story. Cautionary tales like this and others are the exact reason my mind will not change about being a firefighter. I’m not letting the opportunity to become one pass me by for anything or anyone. That said, I love my girlfriend to the moon and back. She can’t change my mind about my future, but I do honestly believe that our compromise of 5 years is good enough for now. I won’t have any regrets if I get to be a firefighter and enjoy my 20s the way I want to, while still marrying her. It also helps me know if she’s really committed that way (plus you never really know how the future is gonna look, so I might do it for longer if I love it). That said, nothing will change my immediate future, and I’ll absolutely take your story to heart when keeping steadfast in my decision to be a fireman. I’m sorry things happened to you the way they did, and I hope you’re happy now (sincerely). All that can be done is to talk about it more with her, and come to a decision. Right now I’m very distraught & am mourning our relationship as if I’m leaving her because I think that’s what will probably happen, but only time will tell. I’ll 100% follow the path I made for myself and become a fireman regardless. Thanks for the story

September 11, 2020

18 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

There are apparatuses that can help you give mouth to mouth, and I’m perfectly healthy otherwise, so I don’t think it’s that big a deal

Bro it doesn't matter if they have machines to harvest dark matter.

You ain't healthy. You can even bench-press 400lbs at the gym with your pinky finger, you need to have your lungs and your heart, and everything about your health perfectly to pass the physical trials, and if you hide your allergies, when they find out about it things will get grim.

It's too dangerous. Reconsider and listen to your girlfriend.

September 11, 2020

@Redsnow479

Np man.

You're both 22 years old. It's a good age but life is going to change drastically over the coming years for you both. Your environment, your circumstances, YOU. It's part of being in your 20's. A time of self-discovery. A time to try things out your way, make your mistakes, and get to know yourself in the process. And both of you will need room individually to allow this process to occur, so that you can grow into your best selves.

The world is way too demanding today, to go at something half-a**ed or for the wrong reasons. Your heart has to be in what you do to succeed today. Pursuing a career that's not truly what you want, won't bring out that passion, the grit, the discipline to your goals. Without those things, you won't give it your all. Without those things, you won't be able persevere through the natural lows that come with the journey. Without those things, you won't be able to persevere through the pain/discouragement you'll feel when you make mistakes or fail or things don't go your way (And it will happen..but its okay because that's part of the journey). You'll cave and quit, because whatever it is you're doing, won't be worth all that struggle. In summary, that passion allows you to overcome those low points because it allows you to justify your journey...and its people who can do that, that really get to where they want to get to.

I don't think she realizes by attempting to convince you into a different path, it might take you away from truly exploring those things you need to explore for yourself. And if you end up doing something for the wrong reasons (For the expectations of others, or because you're afraid to try and fail at what you really want to be doing), it'll take away the passion, the energy, the confidence, and all the things, that embody the person she fell in love with. And then it'll be THAT loss in you, that costs you your relationship.

So, to be the man she wants you to be, you've got to first do what's best for you and make sure you're happy first, because if you're not happy and at your best, you won't be good for her or for anyone else. Now its possible that your goals can change in the future and that's fine too. That's part of life. But right now, this is what you know you want and if that decision ends your relationship permanently, then you know it wasn't meant to last, because what was your other option? Giving up your dreams and adopting another life to adhere to the expectations of others?

It's a rock an a hard place for you. A crossroads. And I know its scary. But your way through this is to be honest and direct about what you want, with her. Do not sweep it under the rug, to avoid fighting or unpleasant conversations. This is a conversation that needs to be had. That is respect and love. What she decides to do from there is up to her. And just trust in if the connection is strong and the love is strong for you both, then you both may find eachother again in the future when your live are well-established. Things will work out as they are meant to.

- Beach

September 11, 2020

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

Bro it doesn't matter if they have machines to harvest dark matter.

You ain't healthy. You can even bench-press 400lbs at the gym with your pinky finger, you need to have your lungs and your heart, and everything about your health perfectly to pass the physical trials, and if you hide your allergies, when they find out about it things will get grim.

It's too dangerous. Reconsider and listen to your girlfriend.

I literally asked firefighters about this and they’ve said it’s not a big deal. The biggest issue would be cooking at the station, which I could deal with on my own. This is a non-issue

September 11, 2020

56 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

I literally asked firefighters about this and they’ve said it’s not a big deal. The biggest issue would be cooking at the station, which I could deal with on my own. This is a non-issue

Contact the Fire Service and ask to speak to their Occupational Health Dept or equiv.

September 11, 2020

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Contact the Fire Service and ask to speak to their Occupational Health Dept or equiv.

When I start school I’ll speak to my coordinators about this just to be sure of course, but right now allergies aren’t a part of this problem IMO

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