My GF resents my career choice and it's casting doubts on our whole relationship

September 9, 2020

She thought she was signing up to be with a lawyer (and get the house, car, lifestyle that goes along with that). She won't get that with a fireman. Honestly, if you become a fireman she is going to resent it. If you don't, you are going to. Do NOT change your career choice for her. Make sure she is truly good with it before continuing with her after telling her that she hurt your feelings and you are more than your job.

Honestly, with everything else you brought up, I'd move on. Serious warning flags here. Giant ones.

September 9, 2020

6 minutes ago, notbroken said:

She thought she was signing up to be with a lawyer (and get the house, car, lifestyle that goes along with that). She won't get that with a fireman. Honestly, if you become a fireman she is going to resent it. If you don't, you are going to. Do NOT change your career choice for her. Make sure she is truly good with it before continuing with her after telling her that she hurt your feelings and you are more than your job.

Honestly, with everything else you brought up, I'd move on. Serious warning flags here. Giant ones.

I told her three months in I wasn’t gonna be a lawyer. She doesn’t care or want that. She’s more than rich enough to get all that on her own. I seriously don’t think this is a gold digging issue. Besides, I plan on working two jobs when I’m a fireman so Im sure my income will be more than good enough to be comfortable. This isn’t a dig at you but all the ideas about status are far off. My gf isn’t perfect but not a gold digger

September 9, 2020

You are 22, and she is just a GF....what you want to do for a career should be YOUR choice not hers....it's your life. It would be different if you were married with children, then you two would have to make decisions together. Dude Gfs will come and go...if she didn't sign up for that, who knows what else "she didn't sign up for." Tell her tough t&*^s

September 9, 2020

It is not about her being a 'gold digger'. No reason to think she is one. Unless you are an heir to the Microsoft fortune no reason to think she is 'after your money'. She - like everyone else - does have certain expectations about her life and future. Being with a fireman was not her expectation originally and she told you she likely wouldn't have dated you had she known that. I strongly suggest you make sure she is REALLY good with it before getting more serious with her.

A young guy's potential as a provider is one of the things that young women are attracted to (and that is NOT 'gold digging' - it is just human nature). Changing that has definitely changed the dynamic. Just no doubt about it. Yes, a fireman can make a decent living (and should - it can be a very tough job).

September 9, 2020

Dating is to find out if compatibility exist. And even if it did one time people do change. I'm going through that myself. And if you not happy with intimacy in the relationship. it's not going to get better. I'd probably keep looking for your sole mate. I'm presently deciding for one the same reasons

September 9, 2020

1 hour ago, Redsnow479 said:

I told her three months in I wasn’t gonna be a lawyer. She doesn’t care or want that. She’s more than rich enough to get all that on her own. I seriously don’t think this is a gold digging issue. Besides, I plan on working two jobs when I’m a fireman so Im sure my income will be more than good enough to be comfortable. This isn’t a dig at you but all the ideas about status are far off. My gf isn’t perfect but not a gold digger

Didn't you, at one point, tell her you wanted to be a teacher? And she was okay with that?

Heck, teachers make less than FF, so I agree it's not about the money or status.

Many women have issues being in RLs with/marrying cops too for same reason.

Some women have issues with their boyfriends riding motorcycles! I have a friend who gets seriously anxious when her bf is out on his bike, which he rides everywhere so she's always anxious!

I see your girlfriend's side, but still, you're so young, the relationship may not last, and I don't think you should give up your dream because your gf will become anxious about it.

To me this is more about how she will feel, her anxiety rather than your safety although I suppose they go hand in hand.

In any event, it's a major incompatibility.

Edited September 9, 2020 by poppyfields

September 9, 2020

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Didn't you, at one point, tell her you wanted to be a teacher? And she was okay with that?

Heck, teachers make less than FF, so I agree it's not about the money or status.

Many women have issues being in RLs with/marrying cops too for same reason.

Some women have issues with their boyfriends riding motorcycles! I have a friend who gets seriously anxious when her bf is out on his bike, which he rides everywhere so she's always anxious!

I see your girlfriend's side, but still, you're so young, the relationship may not last, and I don't think you should give up your dream because your gf will become anxious about it.

To me this is more about how she will feel, her anxiety rather than your safety although I suppose they go hand in hand.

In any event, it's a major incompatibility.

I did & yes she was fine with it. There’s no status or money involved here, I agree. I also have life-threatening allergies and my gf is anxious as hell about it, so I think this is more of that. I’m assuming it’s coming from a place of love, and I also understand what she’s trying to say, but for the exact reasons you mentioned i won’t be giving up my dream.

ultimately, I want to be a fireman for a few years and switch careers after I do some schooling while I work, because bays doable. I can still be a teacher, a personal trainer, or both, and be financially fine, which is why I’m so hurt by her feelings (not that they’re invalid in any way). I’m rather tired of being worried about, and that’s part of why I want to be a fireman: to prove I’m capable enough on my own and as part of a team. My gf seems to be okay with this, and seems set on being with me anyways but you’re right it’s a big issue that’s only gonna come to a boiling point or shell adapt. Time will tell.

September 9, 2020

This GF of yours sounds really immature. She doesn't get to dictate your career choices. At 22, you should not base your career choices on some girlfriend who I can bet money you won't still be with in 5 years. Your career choices affect you the rest of your life. Do what you truly want to do. She can either accept it, or leave. If you could take a survey of all the 40-year-olds in the world, and ask them how many of them are still with the person they were dating at 22, I guarantee the percentage would be extremely low. This girl is not going to be forever. But your career choices are very long-lasting, even if you do change careers.

September 10, 2020

Making a decision on what you want for the future is very common at your age and sometimes is the biggest reason high school and college sweethearts don't make it to marriage. While it's painful to lose somebody like that, there is so much growth that happens between high school and young adulthood.

That's not to say your relationship is necessarily doomed, but you have to work a job that you want to do and not base it on anybody's feelings. Her concerns are valid regarding your safety and while I understand her feeling "cheated" that she began a relationship with you where you had a different mindset for your future career, if in the end she will not support you for a career choice that's already starting an even more committed future with her on shaky ground. Her feeling like it's already too late to back out of your long term relationship because of her dissatisfaction is a bit manipulative.

When you think of what you want in the future, take your girlfriend out of the equation. If you see there really is no chance of her ever supporting you or being passive aggressive about your choices, it's time to move on and focus on yourself and your goals. Someone more compatible will come along.

September 10, 2020

On 9/9/2020 at 8:12 AM, Redsnow479 said:

So my gf and I have been together for two years now (both 22) and when we met I was studying law, but decided against that & figured I might do teaching after I was done school, but I ultimately decided that pursuing firefighting was a career choice that would let me make the most of my life in a way that’s meaningful to me (it’s hands on, I get to see the direct impact of my work, I want to be beneficial to others, I enjoy being active and in-shape, and the downtime is also well-worth it). My gf wasn’t a fan of my choice, out of concern for me and also herself (me bringing toxins around her, etc.), which I find really endearing and valuable, but ultimately not something I’d be willing to throw my decision away for.

My gf and I have also talked at length about our future together, how much we want it, how fun it will be, etc. I really want to be with her forever, and every choice I make surrounding my future has her in the back of my mind, even this one. When I’m a firefighter, I’ll have time to do stuff around the house, travel with her, if I have kids I’ll be able to be around them a lot, or I could simply get another job to help fund our lives. I’d be doing this regardless but I really want to be able to do more than support my gf and I, I want us to thrive.

I start school next week, and tonight on FaceTime my gf brought up how it’s a stupid decision to get into firefighting, and that If she had known I’d decide on that when we started seeing each other she’d have never dated me. She stressed it’s too late now, and she’s in it for the long haul, but I still felt that. This broke my heart, and I told her if it’s a dealbreaker to leave me because I don’t want her to stress out all the time. I kept stressing how it’s not my plan to be a fireman forever anyway, just to be one while fondo no other jobs to move into once I’m a bit older than I am now & more susceptible to injury/ being out of shape, etc. She seems to be set on the idea that being a firefighter is stupid and how she wants me to do something else that doesn’t come from a 9-5 job (something I would absolutely hate doing). I eventually ended up promising her I’d only be one for five years once I get a job, which is honestly a promise I wouldn’t mind keeping, but the whole conversation just made me really sad, as I know I want to both be with my gf and be a firefighter. I really understand my gfs concern and I think it’s so sweet and kind of her to be so worried about my well-being, but at the same time I want to do what I want to do. I’m not at all upset about her feelings or concern, just really bummed out about it. Doing anything besides firefighting just because she says she’s in it for the long haul especially if I switch into teaching or something just seems like too big a gamble to realistically take; I guess I’d just like to know what you all would do in my situation. Thanks

Sorry, but when someone calls you stupid, they're gaslighting you.

Quote

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes, including low self-esteem. Using denial, misdirection, contradiction, and misinformation, gaslighting involves attempts to destabilize the victim and delegitimize the victim's beliefs. Instances can range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents occurred, to belittling the victim's emotions and feelings, to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.

She's revealed herself to having no love for you, no respect, no kindness, and no admiration. She wants to destroy a relationship because you decided to go for a career change? What's her rationale behind the whole thing? Teachers don't make much money?

There you go. She's looking to use you $$$ €€€ £££

Bro, firefighters are heroes. All of them are heroes, y'all make sure the entire planet doesn't burn out, and with climate changes, global warming, the ozone layer getting larger and larger, you will all be needed even more. I get it, she's worried about you, but the way she is treating you is the same way, even worse, you're going to be treated for the rest of your life by this woman if you marry her.

Terminate the relationship and find yourself someone who supports you 100% in everything that you do, even if it's not profitable to do so, even if it's a dangerous job you're in.

September 10, 2020

19 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

She’s more than rich enough to get all that on her own.

If she's not independently wealthy, she's not getting anything on her own. She's got her hand out to her parents, hence her acting childish still.

As immature as you say she is, her parents know that about her already and have told her they're not funding her life with a firefighter.

Also, I'll bet dollars to donuts that they've told her they're going to force a pre-nup on you.

September 10, 2020

8 minutes ago, kendahke said:

If she's not independently wealthy, she's not getting anything on her own. She's got her hand out to her parents, hence her acting childish still.

As immature as you say she is, her parents know that about her already and have told her they're not funding her life with a firefighter.

Also, I'll bet dollars to donuts that they've told her they're going to force a pre-nup on you.

For sure. Women who are the adult children of rich parents are used to a lifestyle than almost no man can provide, and when these Rockfeller offspring find themselves a relationship, they make it out to be awful for their partner ,because they have expectations laid on the unlucky person that only a handful of men or women can fulfill.

September 10, 2020

She is perhaps getting a hard time from her rich parents about this.
i guess they think she could do better.
In fact she did do, until you pulled the rug from under her feet...

September 10, 2020

31 minutes ago, kendahke said:

If she's not independently wealthy, she's not getting anything on her own. She's got her hand out to her parents, hence her acting childish still.

As immature as you say she is, her parents know that about her already and have told her they're not funding her life with a firefighter.

Also, I'll bet dollars to donuts that they've told her they're going to force a pre-nup on you.

I do fear her parents are in her ear (I’m confident about it), but her sister was living at home with no job at 29 and just got married to a pilot who has no job stability at the moment. Lucky for me this isn’t an issue. They’re also just not flashy with their money, they live like regular middle class people.

September 10, 2020

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She is perhaps getting a hard time from her rich parents about this.
i guess they think she could do better.
In fact she did do, until you pulled the rug from under her feet...

I can’t stress enough that at almost no point in my relationship did my gf think I was going to be a lawyer. She was excited for me to teach, and that’s even lower status than firefighting.

you seem to be upset on my gfs behalf though

September 10, 2020

I think being a Firefighter is AMAZING! Based on everything I read that you wrote in this thread, it seems like she's scared you will get hurt or killed on this job. I think this is mostly coming from a place of ignorance and the fear of the unknown for her. Once you get into it, I think her fears will be mostly alleviated once she sees that everything is okay. So basically, stick with it and give it time, she'll come around.

A little story for you: around 10 years ago, I used to have a hair stylist who I'd chat with while I was getting my hair done by her. She was 21 and had a boyfriend around the same age. She told me that he announced to her that he wanted to become a Navy Seal. She in turn told him that if he did that, that she would dump him because she didn't want that for her life. So, he didn't do it and capitulated and stayed home and did auto mechanic work. I continued to go to her to get my hair done over the years and heard about the progress of their lives together. They went from being a young struggling couple in California trying to establish themselves (as most young couples do) according to her plan, to throwing it all in the wind and moving to Hawaii with no job and no housing because "it's beautiful there and YOLO/Who wouldn't want to live in paradise?", to now being broken up (she's dating someone new) and who knows what he's doing in Hawaii, to unemployed in hawaii now (she just texted me this week). I estimate that they are in their early 30's now, not together anymore and the poor guy never got to pursue his dream of becoming a special forces soldier because of her. They never got married nor had any kids together.

Edited September 10, 2020 by snowcones

September 10, 2020

15 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

I do fear her parents are in her ear (I’m confident about it), but her sister was living at home with no job at 29 and just got married to a pilot who has no job stability at the moment. Lucky for me this isn’t an issue. They’re also just not flashy with their money, they live like regular middle class people.

Can't really blame her sister for doing what she's doing. I would do the same if I was in her position, if I had rich parents. In fact, I'd still live at home despite having my own money because nothing beats having family around.

Quote

I can’t stress enough that at almost no point in my relationship did my gf think I was going to be a lawyer. She was excited for me to teach, and that’s even lower status than firefighting.

Ah, then she's proably afraid you might get hurt or even die being a firefighter. It's a real hard job, it consumes people's personal lives, and not that many men or women are mentally prepared to be with a firefighter.

September 10, 2020

Just now, Redsnow479 said:

you seem to be upset on my gfs behalf though

Not really, but I can why she and her parents would be upset.

BUT we only get one life so as I said before, you need to forget about the gf and do what is best for you.

September 10, 2020

Exactly!

You have 2 choices.

1) Stick to your guns and become a firefighter, but lose the girlfriend because she doesn't want you to become a firefighter for her own reasons.

2) Drop the desire to become a firefighter, become a teacher instead or something else, and keep the woman.

Your choice, we can't make it for you.

Although, if you were to ask me my personal take on the subject and what I would do.

I'd give up on the firefighter thing, and I'd get the woman instead. She's rich, her parents are rich, life is hard these days, they can get you a house for free, and I'm guessing she's pretty hot, all in all, I'd give up on my career dream for my dream life.

September 10, 2020

49 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

Exactly!

You have 2 choices.

1) Stick to your guns and become a firefighter, but lose the girlfriend because she doesn't want you to become a firefighter for her own reasons.

2) Drop the desire to become a firefighter, become a teacher instead or something else, and keep the woman.

Your choice, we can't make it for you.

Although, if you were to ask me my personal take on the subject and what I would do.

I'd give up on the firefighter thing, and I'd get the woman instead. She's rich, her parents are rich, life is hard these days, they can get you a house for free, and I'm guessing she's pretty hot, all in all, I'd give up on my career dream for my dream life.

My unsolicited opinion is to NOT give up your career for this woman. Why? Because it concerns me that she doesn't seem to take your feelings or desires into account. That is a type of person that I NEVER want to deal with in my life. Life will be hell with them in so many ways. It would be different if she even considered your wants or hesitated or even waffled a little bit because she cared about what you want, but this sounds like a self-absorbed person and I just can't. I actually gave up my career for a rich hot guy when I was young. We got married and life happened and now we are divorced (for other reasons) but he never asked me to give up my career. I did it on my own because I knew I would lose him or s*** would hit the fan if I didn't give it up, but that was MY choice. He never would have fixed his lips to tell me what I should do with my career because he never would have wanted someone telling him what to do with his career. He knew better and ALSO he knows how a career is such a personal journey. Only the person with the job is the one doing that job, putting the time in, and it effects that person more than anyone else. After all, you spend half of your waking life at work. So it's a big big decision. People come and go but your career is still there after they leave. I still think this girl will get used to you being a Firefighter. It's a decent and honorable career. And seriously, don't you want someone who is not going to run off with someone else as soon as you do something she doesn't agree with?

Edited September 10, 2020 by snowcones

September 10, 2020

59 minutes ago, snowcones said:

My unsolicited opinion is to NOT give up your career for this woman. Why? Because it concerns me that she doesn't seem to take your feelings or desires into account. That is a type of person that I NEVER want to deal with in my life. Life will be hell with them in so many ways. It would be different if she even considered your wants or hesitated or even waffled a little bit because she cared about what you want, but this sounds like a self-absorbed person and I just can't. I actually gave up my career for a rich hot guy when I was young. We got married and life happened and now we are divorced (for other reasons) but he never asked me to give up my career. I did it on my own because I knew I would lose him or s*** would hit the fan if I didn't give it up, but that was MY choice. He never would have fixed his lips to tell me what I should do with my career because he never would have wanted someone telling him what to do with his career. He knew better and ALSO he knows how a career is such a personal journey. Only the person with the job is the one doing that job, putting the time in, and it effects that person more than anyone else. After all, you spend half of your waking life at work. So it's a big big decision. People come and go but your career is still there after they leave. I still think this girl will get used to you being a Firefighter. It's a decent and honorable career. And seriously, don't you want someone who is not going to run off with someone else as soon as you do something she doesn't agree with?

I also think (and really hope she’ll come around) I’m just going to school right now, so it’s another year before I start looking for a job anyways. She texted me yesterday about potential names for children of ours so I don’t think she’s thinking of leaving over this (yet), and if she did then that’d be really sad. That said, we’re only 22 and I’m not going to throw my future and goals away to keep a relationship that’s got nothing concrete going for it yet. It’s just a matter of seeing if we can compromise rather than split, because I really don’t want to build a life with anyone but her, even if that’s what might happen.

my gf just wanted me to do it for a year and then try something else, so I think she’s just worried about me and maybe even thinks I’m not up to the challenge of being in the fire service. I don’t think it’s a complete disregard for me or my needs, but yeah obviously her stance comes from a she/we standpoint and doesn’t really think of what I want.

September 10, 2020

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

Exactly!

You have 2 choices.

1) Stick to your guns and become a firefighter, but lose the girlfriend because she doesn't want you to become a firefighter for her own reasons.

2) Drop the desire to become a firefighter, become a teacher instead or something else, and keep the woman.

Your choice, we can't make it for you.

Although, if you were to ask me my personal take on the subject and what I would do.

I'd give up on the firefighter thing, and I'd get the woman instead. She's rich, her parents are rich, life is hard these days, they can get you a house for free, and I'm guessing she's pretty hot, all in all, I'd give up on my career dream for my dream life.

I wouldn’t give up my goals for anyone, that’s not an option realistically. If we were married that might be a different story but the truth is we’re too young to be willing to uproot our whole lives for each other.

September 10, 2020

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

Can't really blame her sister for doing what she's doing. I would do the same if I was in her position, if I had rich parents. In fact, I'd still live at home despite having my own money because nothing beats having family around.

Ah, then she's proably afraid you might get hurt or even die being a firefighter. It's a real hard job, it consumes people's personal lives, and not that many men or women are mentally prepared to be with a firefighter.

That’s true, but her brother works in a profession thats even more dangerous than firefighting, and I know it’s not the same thing, but discomfort about it in her family isn’t really there, so it’s just about her anxiety I’ll die on the job. My gf is incredibly anxious about everything, so this is just another part of it, but I don’t want to leave her or punish her for being concerned about me.

September 10, 2020

You have "life threatening allergies" at 22 but you want into FF? I guess if the force is desperate enough, but seems like a concerning plan. Have a plan B

September 10, 2020

2 hours ago, snowcones said:

You have "life threatening allergies" at 22 but you want into FF? I guess if the force is desperate enough, but seems like a concerning plan. Have a plan B

If the guy has life-threatening allergies at 22, he shouldn't be considering becoming a firefighter. A firefighter needs to be perfectly healthy, to make sure he stay's safe out there on the field, and more importantly keep his mates as safe as they can possibly be.

You're risking your relationship for something that might not even pan out because you're not in top-shape due to allergies that can kill you?

Besides, you're throwing away a good relationship with a rich girlfriend.

Do you know how hard it is to meet a rich woman who doesn't expect a rich boyfriend herself?

God knows I've tried.

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