My GF resents my career choice and it's casting doubts on our whole relationship

[Redsnow479]

So my gf and I have been together for two years now (both 22) and when we met I was studying law, but decided against that & figured I might do teaching after I was done school, but I ultimately decided that pursuing firefighting was a career choice that would let me make the most of my life in a way that’s meaningful to me (it’s hands on, I get to see the direct impact of my work, I want to be beneficial to others, I enjoy being active and in-shape, and the downtime is also well-worth it). My gf wasn’t a fan of my choice, out of concern for me and also herself (me bringing toxins around her, etc.), which I find really endearing and valuable, but ultimately not something I’d be willing to throw my decision away for.

My gf and I have also talked at length about our future together, how much we want it, how fun it will be, etc. I really want to be with her forever, and every choice I make surrounding my future has her in the back of my mind, even this one. When I’m a firefighter, I’ll have time to do stuff around the house, travel with her, if I have kids I’ll be able to be around them a lot, or I could simply get another job to help fund our lives. I’d be doing this regardless but I really want to be able to do more than support my gf and I, I want us to thrive. 

I start school next week, and tonight on FaceTime my gf brought up how it’s a stupid decision to get into firefighting, and that If she had known I’d decide on that when we started seeing each other she’d have never dated me. She stressed it’s too late now, and she’s in it for the long haul, but I still felt that. This broke my heart, and I told her if it’s a dealbreaker to leave me because I don’t want her to stress out all the time. I kept stressing how it’s not my plan to be a fireman forever anyway, just to be one while fondo no other jobs to move into once I’m a bit older than I am now & more susceptible to injury/ being out of shape, etc. She seems to be set on the idea that being a firefighter is stupid and how she wants me to do something else that doesn’t come from a 9-5 job (something I would absolutely hate doing). I eventually ended up promising her I’d only be one for five years once I get a job, which is honestly a promise I wouldn’t mind keeping, but the whole conversation just made me really sad, as I know I want to both be with my gf and be a firefighter. I really understand my gfs concern and I think it’s so sweet and kind of her to be so worried about my well-being, but at the same time I want to do what I want to do. I’m not at all upset about her feelings or concern, just really bummed out about it. Doing anything besides firefighting just because she says she’s in it for the long haul especially if I switch into teaching or something just seems like too big a gamble to realistically take; I guess I’d just like to know what you all would do in my situation. Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

I start school next week, and tonight on FaceTime my gf brought up how it’s a stupid decision to get into firefighting, and that If she had known I’d decide on that when we started seeing each other she’d have never dated me. She stressed it’s too late now, and she’s in it for the long haul, but I still felt that. This broke my heart, and I told her if it’s a dealbreaker to leave me because I don’t want her to stress out all the time. I kept stressing how it’s not my plan to be a fireman forever anyway, just to be one while fondo no other jobs to move into once I’m a bit older than I am now & more susceptible to injury/ being out of shape, etc. She seems to be set on the idea that being a firefighter is stupid and how she wants me to do something else that doesn’t come from a 9-5 job (something I would absolutely hate doing). I eventually ended up promising her I’d only be one for five years once I get a job, which is honestly a promise I wouldn’t mind keeping, but the whole conversation just made me really sad, as I know I want to both be with my gf and be a firefighter. I really understand my gfs concern and I think it’s so sweet and kind of her to be so worried about my well-being, but at the same time I want to do what I want to do. I’m not at all upset about her feelings or concern, just really bummed out about it. 

Does being sweet and kind include telling you that your decision is stupid? 

I'm sorry, but if I were you, I would be upset about that. There is a constructive and healthy way to express concern, and that's not it. Does she take your feelings into consideration, or is she generally dismissive like this? 

Look, I wouldn't be making any promises about your career to her. Telling her you will only do it for 5 years to placate her? Not a wise move, man. Follow your heart. I don't mean to minimize your relationship, but at just 2 years in and only 22 years old, neither of you really knows if two have the stuff to make it last forever yet. How will you feel if you relationship falls apart for whatever reason, and you gave up on your dream for her? She has valid concerns for your well-being, of course, but you also reserve the right to expect a little more support from someone who wants to be your life partner rather than a wave of criticism and condescension. What's your relationship like in general, meaning, how well do you get along and what sorts of things tend to cause tension or bickering? This is all making me wonder if there's something more underlying her opposition to this. 

If, after you pursue this, you still find that she is vehemently opposed to your career choice - well, you may need to re-evaluate whether this is really the woman you want to spend your whole life with.  

[Dork Vader]

I don't know that this is the best relationship to be in. Firefighting is not a terrible career and the money/benefits are not horrible. I can't understand why she is so against it. It's not like you're saying you're dropping out of school to become a crack dealer, which in that case I could understand her reservations about. 

Perhaps I have a screwed up view on relationships. But I always felt like your SO should be supportive of the decisions you make. Now that's not to say they should be supportive of every decision you make. If you were really making poor life choices then yeah I would expect her to speak up. But a career in firefighting is not a poor life choice.

I don't see the problem with anything you're doing. I also don't think you should put time limits on any career you chose. What if you really enjoy it and decide that's where you want to be for the rest of your career?!  

[basil67]

She doesn't like your career choices, you don't like her behaviour and lack of sex life

https://www.loveshack.org/profile/587981-redsnow479/

You're only 22 - time to end this and move on to greener pastures.  And FWIW, a dude in a firefighting kit isn't going to have any trouble meeting a new girl.

[elaine567]

She dated a potential lawyer, a prestigious professional career, a lucrative one too.
Clean, safe, no "on call" commitment and high status
Now you are going to be a firefighter... not the same at all...
I think she means it when she says she would never have dated you if she knew you were going to be a firefighter.
You are 22 forget the gf, you do what is best for you. Your relationship has already hit trouble, (avoiding sex, avoiding serious discussions, cutesy childish behaviour that is  turning you off), she may soon be gone anyway...
DO NOT promise her anything regarding your career, in five years you may love firefighting even more than you do now.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She doesn't like your career choices, you don't like her behaviour and lack of sex life

https://www.loveshack.org/profile/587981-redsnow479/

You're only 22 - time to end this and move on to greener pastures.  And FWIW, a dude in a firefighting kit isn't going to have any trouble meeting a new girl.

Oh boy. 

OP, in light of your other thread about this girl and your relationship - you really need to ask yourself what you're still doing there. It hasn't been working for a while. 

[Redsnow479]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She dated a potential lawyer, a prestigious professional career, a lucrative one too.
Clean, safe, no "on call" commitment and high status
Now you are going to be a firefighter... not the same at all...
I think she means it when she says she would never have dated you if she knew you were going to be a firefighter.
You are 22 forget the gf, you do what is best for you. Your relationship has already hit trouble, (avoiding sex, avoiding serious discussions, cutesy childish behaviour that is  turning you off), she may soon be gone anyway...
DO NOT promise her anything regarding your career, in five years you may love firefighting even more than you do now.

To clarify, she didn’t mention law. She was excited for me to become a teacher, and said there are other jobs like construction or something that are safer than fire, so I don’t think that’s it. I’ll get to the rest of the comments on this thread soon but I want to make it clear to both you and the other mentions of career that law had nothing to do with this. She seems to think that my firefighting idea came out of the blue a few months ago, but it’s been over a year since I decided on it.

 

as far as the promise went, I didn’t mind making it because my plan was always to look at other jobs and careers upon being a firefighter so my exposure to dangerous chemicals and toxins is limited to a few years of my life, not 30+ years

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

She seems to think that my firefighting idea came out of the blue a few months ago, but it’s been over a year since I decided on it.

Just to clarify, did you not say anything about it until just now? If so, why not? 

[Wiseman2]

Do what you have to and want to. She needs to focus on her own career.

Keep in mind she should be dating you, not your "potential".

Let the chips fall where they may. It's not her call to manage your profession.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m really shocked at this op. 
 

A career choice is such a personal thing. You should do what your heart desires .. for you! Not for her! 
 

Her wanting the status and prestige of having a “high profile” boyfriend is quite selfish IMO. She’s trying to manipulate you into doing what’s best for her, not what’s best for you. 
 

She should be supporting you and your dreams! Not shooting them down. 
 

And just for the record there are career/ pay developments within the fire service. I know this for a fact. It is not a dead end job at all. 
 

If that’s what you want, go for it! 

[Redsnow479]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh boy. 

OP, in light of your other thread about this girl and your relationship - you really need to ask yourself what you're still doing there. It hasn't been working for a while. 

Update on that thread: my gf is still really childish, but in recent weeks has upped her game in terms of romance and things are a bit better there even if we haven’t had the chance to be sexual. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough for now.

[Redsnow479]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just to clarify, did you not say anything about it until just now? If so, why not? 

Of course not! I told her I applied for firefighting in September and she was there when I got accepted in February. I think it’s all just becoming real to her now. 

[Redsnow479]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m really shocked at this op. 
 

A career choice is such a personal thing. You should do what your heart desires .. for you! Not for her! 
 

Her wanting the status and prestige of having a “high profile” boyfriend is quite selfish IMO. She’s trying to manipulate you into doing what’s best for her, not what’s best for you. 
 

She should be supporting you and your dreams! Not shooting them down. 
 

And just for the record there are career/ pay developments within the fire service. I know this for a fact. It is not a dead end job at all. 
 

If that’s what you want, go for it! 

I don’t think this ones about status. My gf is very well off, and she really doesn’t care about me being a lawyer. In fact, she didn’t mention it at all. She only mentioned me being a teacher or working another, less dangerous job like construction yesterday. 
 

I agree she should I just think she had some kind of point in being concerned for me. 
 

I also agree with you. I don’t know where people are getting the idea firefighting is a dead end job or a low status one. Everyone loves a firefighter haha

[Redsnow479]

7 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

I don't know that this is the best relationship to be in. Firefighting is not a terrible career and the money/benefits are not horrible. I can't understand why she is so against it. It's not like you're saying you're dropping out of school to become a crack dealer, which in that case I could understand her reservations about. 

Perhaps I have a screwed up view on relationships. But I always felt like your SO should be supportive of the decisions you make. Now that's not to say they should be supportive of every decision you make. If you were really making poor life choices then yeah I would expect her to speak up. But a career in firefighting is not a poor life choice.

I don't see the problem with anything you're doing. I also don't think you should put time limits on any career you chose. What if you really enjoy it and decide that's where you want to be for the rest of your career?!  

I don’t understand the fuss that much either; in reality I’ll be bumming around a lot of the time haha; I typically agree but this is an iffy issue & I can see her concern, but ultimately I’m not gonna quit pursuing firefighting over this. 
 

I fully anticipate enjoying the job, but I also don’t want to get sick after too many years around chemicals & whatnot, so the limit was always going to be there in some capacity. Besides who knows what the future holds for either of us

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

Everyone loves a firefighter haha

Maybe this is exactly her real concern. 

It could be way out there, but do you wonder if it makes her irrationally insecure? A lot of people the stereotyped idea of the "hot fireman" in their minds. It would be silly and immature, of course, but I wonder if she's secretly afraid that you'll suddenly develop a female fan-club. 

[poppyfields]

26 minutes ago, Redsnow479 said:

Update on that thread: my gf is still really childish, but in recent weeks has upped her game in terms of romance and things are a bit better there even if we haven’t had the chance to be sexual.  It’s not perfect, but it’s enough for now.

Please don't forfeit your dream of being a FF for a girl who is "enough for now."

You are only 22, there are many many experiences awaiting you, including with other women. 

Wonderful experiences. 

Enjoy the journey mate, you only have one life, live it to the fullest. 

EDIT:  Why haven't you had the chance to be sexual yet?  

Edited September 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[Redsnow479]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Maybe this is exactly her real concern. 

It could be way out there, but do you wonder if it makes her irrationally insecure? A lot of people the stereotyped idea of the "hot fireman" in their minds. It would be silly and immature, of course, but I wonder if she's secretly afraid that you'll suddenly develop a female fan-club. 

Honestly I’ve considered it & think this is part Of it. My gf is very protective & territorial and jealous so this wouldn’t surprise me at all. 
 

that said she does worry about my allergies a lot so I’m sure some of it is legitimate concern.

[Redsnow479]

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Please don't forfeit your dream of being a FF for a girl who is "enough for now."

You are only 22, there are many many experiences awaiting you, including with other women. 

Wonderful experiences. 

Enjoy the journey mate, you only have one life, live it to the fullest. 

EDIT:  Why haven't you had the chance to be sexual yet?  

Whole thing is I don’t want other women haha; we haven’t been sexual because I myself had an issue preventing it the last few weeks, and having sex in a car simply isn’t fun for either of us anymore 

[Ruby Slippers]

Her being so critical is concerning. You're young and it's normal for people of your age to take some time to "find themselves."

Don't let her boss you around, run you down, or put a wet blanket on your dreams. Women don't respect men they can manipulate and push around.

Firefighting is not the worst career choice. You can make a decent living and be a real-life hero saving lives.

Yes, there is the stereotype of the hot firefighter who wants to show off his big hose to any girl who'll look. But there's also the stereotype of the sexy nurse who "takes care of" her favorite patients. These are exaggerated stereotype roles that nobody has to play. Firefighting and nursing are noble, necessary professions.

[serial muse]

2 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

I don’t think this ones about status. My gf is very well off, and she really doesn’t care about me being a lawyer. In fact, she didn’t mention it at all. She only mentioned me being a teacher or working another, less dangerous job like construction yesterday. 
 

I agree she should I just think she had some kind of point in being concerned for me. 
 

I also agree with you. I don’t know where people are getting the idea firefighting is a dead end job or a low status one. Everyone loves a firefighter haha

Maybe it's becoming real right now bc of the staggering fires on the west coast of the US right now. It is an extremely dangerous job, particularly if you have asthma/allergies, and honestly the likelihood that you'd find yourself fighting numerous deadly wildfires in a year will only increase (depending on where you are, I'm assuming west coast but perhaps that's wrong). If she used the word "stupid", there's no defense for that. And yes, it sounds like she's going about this childishly - saying she wouldn't have dated you, calling it a stupid decision, etc. That's not an appropriate way to have a discussion like this.

But one light in which to see this is that she is very worried for you. That doesn't seem so awful in a partner. And I do think that a long-term partner has a right to express her feelings about a dangerous job choice. It's an emotional journey for her too. Certainly the decision about your career is your call and no one else's. But that doesn't mean she can't have feelings about it. 

Edited September 9, 2020 by serial muse

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Redsnow479 said:

Honestly I’ve considered it & think this is part Of it. My gf is very protective & territorial and jealous so this wouldn’t surprise me at all. 
 

that said she does worry about my allergies a lot so I’m sure some of it is legitimate concern.

Whatever her concerns are, your relationship isn't in a stable enough place to be making life choices based on her desires. 

I am not suggesting she isn't entitled to her own feelings, nor that you should discount them altogether. But based on this thread and your last one, you two have a long way to go as a couple before you plan you whole future around her. 

[Els]

Firefighting is a relatively risky job and I would be concerned if my partner wanted to get into it, too. Frankly I have no idea how the partners of deployed soldiers, firefighters, stunt drivers, etc cope when their partner is on the job - I would be worried sick the entire time. You may never see them again; this is true for anyone, of course, but the risk is multiple times higher in those few jobs.

That having been said, IMO you should not base your life's decisions on a relationship at 22, especially not one that already has this many issues. Many relationships that start young drift apart, as the 20s are a time in your life when the most changes happen and people start finding themselves. It sounds like this is what has happened in yours. I would advise letting her go - you two are just not compatible.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

I’d just like to know what you all would do in my situation.

Determine what would make me less bitter in 15 years.

That was a manipulative thing to say to you--in 15 years, it'll be far worse and you'll be saddled with children and a mortgage.

Is she still acting like a childish git?

Edited September 9, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

Update on that thread: my gf is still really childish, but

But nothing... she's still childish and this tantrum of hers is showing you just how not far she's come.

As a firefighter, you don't make pension in 5 years.  Google "when do firefighters qualify for pension":

Quote

Only members who have participated in the plan for ten years or more are eligible to draw a pension benefit. Members with ten years of service as a police officer or firefighter will be vested. Early retirement is possible for vested members who retire prior to obtaining 20 years of service

At the very least, you'll be in it +10 years.  How much research have you done on this in a year's time?

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

My gf is very well off, and she really doesn’t care about me being a lawyer. In fact, she didn’t mention it at all. She only mentioned me being a teacher or working another, less dangerous job like construction yesterday. 

So because she's rich, she looks down her nose at blue color workers and doesn't want to sully herself being in a relationship with one, let alone married to him.