Girlfriend still has married name, so what happens if we get married?

[rdunsany]

I'm just about to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with my GF and it's going extremely well. We/I am not ready to get married yet, but we've started to have the beginnings of those talks. So this is very early stages. But it's a thought that's entered both of our minds.

One thing that often comes to my head though, when it goes there, is how she decided to keep her married name. She did so in order to have the same last name as her kids, which I completely understand. And it's not a thing that worries me, at all, in dating. 

But, what would happen if we got married? I actually have no feelings about her taking my last name. I was married once before myself and my now-ex kept her maiden name and I was always supportive of that. So it's not that I want her to change her last name to mine. It's that being married to someone and have them still have their ex-husband's name, *that* feels very weird to me. Thoughts?

[central]

IMO, it's not that important whether or no she keeps her previous married names because of her kids.  My wife did that, and it barely ever came to mind.  After 12 years (about a year ago), we had some major events in the works and decided it would be easier and better if she changed her last name to mine.  Besides, her kids are adults now and the name no longer matters.  So, if this is an important issue for your gf should you get married, I wouldn't worry about it.  However, if her kids are teens or older, it would make more sense for her change her name to yours (or even to her maiden name as a compromise).  Having the same name is still the social norm, I think, and simplifies all kinds of documents, paperwork, and even how other people might view you or what they assume about you.

[lana-banana]

Just speaking as a woman here, but changing my name was such a colossal pain in the ass that I told my husband no matter what happens I wasn't doing it again. Given the not-insignificant logistical hurdle that comes with a name change as well as the name of the kids, not to mention her career (if she has a common first name it may cause even more of a headache to change her last) --- I totally get why she might choose to keep her ex's name even after another marriage. 

Edited September 9, 2020 by lana-banana

[BaileyB]

Agree with Lana. 

I wouldn’t change my name if I was to get married at this stage of my life. Professionally and personally - it would just be too much of a hassle. Although, I do appreciate your concern. It’s complicated the older we get, when we’ve had other relationships/marriages. 

Congrats on your relationship! 

[rdunsany]

Thank you all for your replies! I really appreciate it. "Central" did touch on a point that is part of my concern with the last name:

"Having the same name is still the social norm, I think, and simplifies all kinds of documents, paperwork, and even how other people might view you or what they assume about you."

Now, personally, I do not feel the need to have my partner have the same last name as me, but unfortunately they are right and this does remain "a thing." When I was married and someone knew my now ex-wife's last name but not mine, they would often call me by that last name. Now, it was easy enough to tell the person that she had chosen to not change her name and that all worked. 

But if my current GF and I got married, she would not have her maiden last name, she would still have the last name of her ex-husband. So I may be accidentally called by HIS last name, which on a gut level feels considerably more unsettling. It would feel like he's a third party in our marriage.s. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rdunsany said:

When I was married and someone knew my now ex-wife's last name but not mine, they would often call me by that last name.

Cross this bridge when you come to it. Before your marry, be sure to clear out all this baggage about the ex.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, rdunsany said:

It would feel like he's a third party in our marriage. 

He kind of is by default, given that he is and always will be the father of the kids. 

Have you discussed having kids of your own and what their last names would be - yours or hers?

[rdunsany]

We have discussed kids, but we'll definitely never have them. We're both somewhat older (early 40's). She has 3 kids of her own, I have 2. If/when we get to that point, it'll be hard enough with 5 kids in the house without adding any more. I think we're both done with our baby days.

I do get that her ex, like my ex, will always have a part in the relationship by virtue of the kids. There's already been (pre COVID) a kid event that both my ex-wife and my GF were at and, very likely, the reverse would have probably happened already if it weren't for the pandemic. 

I think WISEMAN is probably right, I should just cross this when I come to it. It wouldn't keep me from proposing, so I'll just deal with it when/if the times comes.

 

 

[Snow_Queen]

I can understand the concern but it’s not something to take personally if she keeps her name. It can be a huge ordeal changing everything and may not be worth the pain. 
 

I actually kept my married name from before until I decided to change it. It cost lots of money to do it and swore I’d never change it if I remarried. When I met my husband, I took his name because I wanted to feel even closer to him. We also have a child together. Three of our kids share the same last name, except my daughter. She has her dad’s name (my first married name). So, I told her she had a name of her very own to make it feel special. 

[boymommy]

I am divorced and have children and I kept my married name (to keep the same name as my kids). If I were to get remarried I would change it to my husband's last name, even if that were different then my kids. Since we were all in the same house it's not that big of a deal (plus my kids live with their dad for part of the time) plus they will be adults at some point and it won't matter all that much anyway. I think it's a fairly common situation to have married parents with the same name and kids a different last night in a remarriage situation. Since I am currently the only adult living with them and considered head of household I wanted us all to have the same last name. But it's less of an issue in a marriage because then it's more traditional and two adults have the same last name..which is obviously very socially acceptable nowadays. 

[kismetkismet]

It's getting more and more common for couples to have different last names, so I wouldn't worry about that. 

It probably makes the most sense for her to keep her existing last name. It's one thing when you're getting married in your early/mid 20s, but If she's already established in her career AND has kids with that last name, it would just be a huge headache to change it for very little reason (since you say the symbolism of her having your name is not important). I was 30 when I got married, and even then it seemed weird to change my name mid-adulthood. My husband has never been called by my last name in the 5 yrs we've been together, so that would likely only come up in very rare circumstances. 

[d0nnivain]

It's so her last name is the same as the last name of her kids.  It makes things easier.  If the kids are closer to adults by the time you marry, maybe she'll change it.  It's not a decision to be made now.