I'm sick of this guy

[d0nnivain]

30 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

It's my company so I am liable and I worked very hard and refuse to sit here disabled and mourning a man who never should have been here today. I have a helper and I'm trying to purchase a tool that puts less strain on my back. I refuse to let the future I worked for go because of this and sit on a disability check while the world goes to the spanish man and his new girlfriend.  

You don't have to sit there & take it.  You do have to stand up for yourself.  You built a business.  You know what it takes to work hard & realize your dream. Apply that same level of determination to getting him out of your life & your head.  You have more power then you know so USE it.  

When you stop being a victim & start advocating for yourself, things will improve.  The world isn't going to this guy.  You are giving it to him on a silver platter.  Stop doing that.  He's meaningless.  Treat him that way as the irrelevant gnat that he is.  Take your power & your life back.    

[poppyfields]

30 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

I have no idea how I'm going to get through this all. I like reading posts but not insults or cuts at myself.

I am literally shaking my head as to why you feel advice to take back control of your life by blocking this man who is harassing you and causing you distress is, in your mind, insulting or cutting. 

I'd really like to understand your thought process about that, because to the contrary it's the best advice you could ever receive and I find it confusing and frankly sad you take such offense to it.

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am literally shaking my head as to why you feel advice to take back control of your life by blocking this man who is harassing you and causing you distress is, in your mind, insulting or cutting. 

I'd really like to understand your thought process about that, because to the contrary it's the best advice you could ever receive and I find it sad you take such offense to it.

He contacted me through real people who gas lighted me and denied their involvement. I avoided a gym, I quit two jobs, I got rid of all people associated to him in my life and the only place I post is on this forum. I did block him. I tried to get some therapy but I have not found the right one. I am heading over to the supply store to pick up what I need for tomorrow. I'm fixing up my house. I'm gonna go to physio therapy and therapy. As I said, I need the forum. I have moments when I fall to the floor over this particular situation and cry like a baby. I need help until I can find a therapist processing the flash backs and the thoughts of them together in bliss. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I am not sure what advice we can really offer you at this point.

You've made a few threads about this person, under various usernames albeit with some of the details changed, and you still don't seem to making much progress. What sort of advice do you feel would be more beneficial for you?

Or are you posting primarily just to vent? You say you need this forum, and fair enough, but it's not clear how we can effectively help you. Would perhaps starting a journal about all of this be better? That's an option on this site as well, as it appears you're mostly looking just to channel your thoughts rather than elicit opinions from posters on the advice forums. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, I am not sure what advice we can really offer you at this point.

You've made a few threads about this person, under various usernames albeit with some of the details changed, and you still don't seem to making much progress. What sort of advice do you feel would be more effective for you?

Or are you posting primarily just to vent? 

Good question, to vent and im looking for support so I value my life more than theirs. The two of them, he and his girlfriend, appear to have everything I never will and that is what keeps me stuck. I want to be honest and talk about this but I'm also afraid to since I've never been given an opportunity. I see others get advice and then I want it too. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Datingdisabled said:

Good question, to vent and im looking for support so I value my life more than theirs. The two of them, he and his girlfriend, appear to have everything I never will and that is what keeps me stuck. I want to be honest and talk about this but I'm also afraid to since I've never been given an opportunity. I see others get advice and then I want it too. 

You've received on this thread, though. 

 

[Datingdisabled]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

You've received on this thread, though. 

 

And I'm grateful. I am going to follow it. I was just answering your question and maybe some else has some more to ad about their experience. Surely, I can't be the only one who tortures themselves over some guy who dangled him and his girlfriend in front of you and made you feel less than. 

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

I want to be honest and talk about this but I'm also afraid to since I've never been given an opportunity. I see others get advice and then I want it too. 

So talk.  What is it that you need us to understand that we're not getting?  

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

And I'm grateful. I am going to follow it. I was just answering your question and maybe some else has some more to ad about their experience. Surely, I can't be the only one who tortures themselves over some guy who dangled him and his girlfriend in front of you and made you feel less than. 

So to be clear, it's not the harassment that distresses you, as much as this man has rejected you and moved on with a new woman?  

And, as such, you feel dismissed and not good enough, and that is what you're struggling with?

After reading all your posts, this is the sense I'm getting.  If I'm wrong, I apologize.

But if it's true, it is important that you be honest, with yourself and us, so we can support and help you properly.

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

Surely, I can't be the only one who tortures themselves over some guy who dangled him and his girlfriend in front of you and made you feel less than. 

I can't say that I have had that experience.  Even when I meet an EXs new SO, everyone has always been pleasant.  No one has been cruel 

Granted when I met the new GF of the EX I lived with for 10 years, I was very glad that I was almost a foot taller then her in my heels & that I looked great that day but everyone was gracious & deferential.  My husband had to meet my dead EX's family shortly after the EX died & DH & I started dating.   My EX's mother complimented my husband about being sooo handsome.  Years later when that EX's mother died, DH accompanied me to her funeral & her whole family welcomed him with open arms.   

The level of vitriol you describe is foreign to me but if I was on the receiving end, it would make me angry not depressed.  It would also make me tune out & not care about anything my EX or anybody connected to him said or thought.  Marginalize them.  They are irrelevant to you. Treat them that way. You have to be better at recognizing the bad actors & ejecting them from your life more quickly.  It's good that you got away from them but bad that you had to quit 2 jobs. 

The only person who can make you feel "less than" is you.  See the Eleanor Roosevelt quote  "No one can make you feel inferior without their consent."  Perhaps read a biography about her to strengthen your own resolve.  

[Datingdisabled]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

So to be clear, it's not the harassment that distresses you, as much as this man has rejected you and moved on with a new woman?  

And, as such, you feel dismissed and not good enough, and that is what you're struggling with?

After reading all your posts, this is the sense I'm getting.  If I'm wrong, I apologize.

But if it's true, it is important that you be honest, with yourself and us, so we can support and help you properly.

This is not correct. He never rejected me once and left it. He mind f***ed me and wanted me to leave him so I just don't like the way the rejection was done and how many people placed themselves in it. I also don't like that he doesn't even live in the same continent as me but has made a linked in, in my continent. I have to be honest though to everyone who responded. I feel a lot better and I'm gonna block him now. In fact, I just did. His girlfriend has to question his fake linked in account he need not go speaking to me about how girlfriend. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

This is not correct. He never rejected me once and left it. He mind f***ed me and wanted me to leave him so I just don't like the way the rejection was done and how many people placed themselves in it.

So, you did date this man?

It's not clear between this and your first post whether you had an official relationship with him or not. When did you two break up?

Edited September 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Datingdisabled]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So, you did date this man?

It's not clear between this and your first post whether you had an official relationship with him or not. When did you two break up?

No, no relationship and in February. I liked him a lot and we had an online relationship before I found out that he wasn't single nor serious. When he found out that I was hurt, he dumped me everyday until I would reach indifference. He is not the bad marriage but he was no better. I am hurt because of the people who I turned to for emotional support, end up gaslighting and causing me more pain. What makes me much happier is my job. I nearly lost it with my back issues and then fell back into the jealousy. I know it's not a good situation for me but I appreciate you assisting me today and I value the advice and honesty that you gave me. The situation is so silly, I failed to tell anyone I know in RL about it. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

So to be clear, it's not the harassment that distresses you, as much as this man has rejected you and moved on with a new woman?  

And, as such, you feel dismissed and not good enough, and that is what you're struggling with?

After reading all your posts, this is the sense I'm getting.

This. This is exactly the impression I get.

Op is bitter and hurt by his rejection and the fact that he now has s girlfriend.

Many have suggested she block him but she won't.

This guy has messed her head up.

[Datingdisabled]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This. This is exactly the impression I get.

Op is bitter and hurt by his rejection and the fact that he now has s girlfriend.

Many have suggested she block him but she won't.

This guy has messed her head up.

Yes, he did mess my head up which is why I am here sorting it out. So what, it's not like I'm in denial and trying to change the outcome. My goal is to process this and move on. 

[ExpatInItaly]

47 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

No, no relationship and in February. I liked him a lot and we had an online relationship before I found out that he wasn't single nor serious. When he found out that I was hurt, he dumped me everyday 

How did he dump you every day if you were never in a relationship with him?

What do you mean by “dump” in this context?

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Datingdisabled said:

This is not correct. He never rejected me once and left it.

He mind f***ed me and wanted me to leave him so I just don't like the way the rejection was done .....

These two sentences contradict each other.

First sentence - he never rejected you.

Second sentence - you don't like the way he rejected you. 

Huh?  DD, I'm an intelligent person but having a difficult time following your thought process.

This was a 9 month on-line long distance interaction?  Then he began mind f*cking and gaslighting you, how so, in what way?

You claim others were gaslighting you as well.

Question:  Do you think or suspect any of us are gaslighting you?  The reason I ask is because when Expat re-quoted some of your previous posts and advised you to block, you interpreted it as insulting and cutting. 

Your story has to be one of the most confusing stories I've read.  And my concern is how you process thoughts.  

In any event, I'm interested in knowing how he mind f*cked you, gaslighted you and how others gaslighted you.

If you could provide examples that would be helpful.

We are all here to help, but again all this is very confusing.  

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Datingdisabled]

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

These two sentences contradict each other.

First sentence - he never rejected you.

Second sentence - you don't like the way he rejected you. 

Huh?  DD, I'm an intelligent person but having a difficult time following your thought process.

This was a 9 month on-line long distance interaction?  Then he began mind f*cking you, in what way?

You claim others were gaslighting you as well.

Question:  Do you think or suspect any of us are gaslighting you?

When Expat re-quoted some of your previous posts and advised you to block, you interpreted it as insulting and cutting. 

Your story has to be one of the most confusing stories I've read.  And my concern is how you process thoughts.  

In any event, I'm interested in knowing how he mind f*cked you, gaslighted you and how others gaslighted you.

If you could provide examples that would be helpful.

We are all here to help, but again all this is very confusing.  

 

I didn't really want to face this in detail. I just wanted the guy to go away so I can see why you are confused. I appreciate you helping me work through the thought process. I do not want this person back at all. 

When I was on a dating site, he had me catfished. He sent some people to connect with me and tell me to move on. I acknowledged it but he still pretended to be a narcassist and that I needed to block him. 

I don't think his intension was to ever date me or reconnect and I believe he had a girlfriend a lot longer then he led on to have one. If he was single, I don't think he would contact me and I think that's what agitates me because I initially ended it with him. 

He stated reasons why he doesn't want to be with me everyday even after I acknowledged it. 

He said he lost attraction to me when he seen that photo of me from years ago. He didn't think I was intelligent enough. He thought I was unconventionally pretty. Everyday, before I blocked him was just one put down after another. 

He used a break up site to give me dating advice when it was not his business and even suggested some sites I go on to connect with men. 

He wanted me to move on from him and block him. He wanted me to think for myself and leave him. I didn't know at the time so I am figuring this all out now. 

I was not innocent as I connected with him and contacted him when if he was interested, he would have contacted me. 

Tbh, I'm ready to put this behind me now. I don't want anything further to do with him. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

Good question, to vent and im looking for support so I value my life more than theirs. The two of them, he and his girlfriend, appear to have everything I never will and that is what keeps me stuck. I want to be honest and talk about this but I'm also afraid to since I've never been given an opportunity. I see others get advice and then I want it too. 

I'm sorry for what you are going through but  I must say you aren't the first woman or man who has been ditched for someone else they loved more.  It happened to me and it hurt like hell so I know how you feel but you have to erase everything about that person from your life and move on.  Unfortunately this is the risk one takes when they fall in love with someone that they may end up hurt.  It's happening to thousands of people or more.  For me it started with forgiving him and myself and accepting that she was the one for him and not me.  They are still together to this day with 3 kids in tow.  That's okay because after letting go I found the love of my life and are now happily married.  You have to let go or the bitterness and then you can heal and move on.

[Datingdisabled]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry for what you are going through but  I must say you aren't the first woman or man who has been ditched for someone else they loved more.  It happened to me and it hurt like hell so I know how you feel but you have to erase everything about that person from your life and move on.  Unfortunately this is the risk one takes when they fall in love with someone that they may end up hurt.  It's happening to thousands of people or more.  For me it started with forgiving him and myself and accepting that she was the one for him and not me.  They are still together to this day with 3 kids in tow.  That's okay because after letting go I found the love of my life and are now happily married.  You have to let go or the bitterness and then you can heal and move on.

Thank you!

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like you were in denial about how much there wasn't a relationship there.  You liked him. That is obvious.  Rather then affirmatively being mean to you I think this poor guy may have been trying to help you come to the conclusion that he wasn't right for you.  It was kind of his way of softening the blow.   It sounds like he screwed that all up & ended up hurting you because of the ham handed way he went about things.  He should have simply stopped interacting with you.  It's cruel of him to say you weren't intelligent enough or not attractive enough or any of the other pit downs he leveled at you.  

Some times those things are true but it's rude & mean to say them.  I had this friend I had known since I was 18.  Back then he was one of the "cool guys" -- every girl wanted him & he had his pick.  I was like his little sister which was fine with me.  I actually didn't want to go out with him because even then I knew he was an alcoholic on the express train to nowhere but he had a heart of gold & at 18 it's all fun & games.  I liked being the "little sister".  I got all the attention with none of the sex stuff which I could not have handled back then anyway.  Fast forward 20 years.  I moved back home & he was still there. . . doing the same old crap but still being charming & sexy.  He offered me a FWB thing & I said yes.  It was fun but what was amusing at 18 was pathetic at almost 40.  I have a post graduate degree; he barely graduated from HS.  His only hobby was drinking beer.  He had nothing to talk about & a dead end low wage job but hey the sex was great.  Then he started to catch feelings for me so I stopped the benefits.  He really is a dear, sweet troubled man.  I couldn't very well tell him I didn't want anything more then sex from him because he was basically a stupid, alcoholic, loser.  That would have been horrible to say so I relied on the clichés & in time he slowly came back to being my friend but we certainly aren't as close as we once were.  

What this guy's motives were & how you reacted at the time are no longer relevant. How you react now -- putting him in your rear view mirror & genuinely not caring about what he thinks or feels is how you heal from this.  One day at a time.  Block & move forward.  

[Datingdisabled]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It sounds like you were in denial about how much there wasn't a relationship there.  You liked him. That is obvious.  Rather then affirmatively being mean to you I think this poor guy may have been trying to help you come to the conclusion that he wasn't right for you.  It was kind of his way of softening the blow.   It sounds like he screwed that all up & ended up hurting you because of the ham handed way he went about things.  He should have simply stopped interacting with you.  It's cruel of him to say you weren't intelligent enough or not attractive enough or any of the other pit downs he leveled at you.  

Some times those things are true but it's rude & mean to say them.  I had this friend I had known since I was 18.  Back then he was one of the "cool guys" -- every girl wanted him & he had his pick.  I was like his little sister which was fine with me.  I actually didn't want to go out with him because even then I knew he was an alcoholic on the express train to nowhere but he had a heart of gold & at 18 it's all fun & games.  I liked being the "little sister".  I got all the attention with none of the sex stuff which I could not have handled back then anyway.  Fast forward 20 years.  I moved back home & he was still there. . . doing the same old crap but still being charming & sexy.  He offered me a FWB thing & I said yes.  It was fun but what was amusing at 18 was pathetic at almost 40.  I have a post graduate degree; he barely graduated from HS.  His only hobby was drinking beer.  He had nothing to talk about & a dead end low wage job but hey the sex was great.  Then he started to catch feelings for me so I stopped the benefits.  He really is a dear, sweet troubled man.  I couldn't very well tell him I didn't want anything more then sex from him because he was basically a stupid, alcoholic, loser.  That would have been horrible to say so I relied on the clichés & in time he slowly came back to being my friend but we certainly aren't as close as we once were.  

What this guy's motives were & how you reacted at the time are no longer relevant. How you react now -- putting him in your rear view mirror & genuinely not caring about what he thinks or feels is how you heal from this.  One day at a time.  Block & move forward.  

That makes sense. I would definitely like to put this in the rear view mirror. I would hope now that this has concluded, he doesn't say anymore. 

[Datingdisabled]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It sounds like you were in denial about how much there wasn't a relationship there.  You liked him. That is obvious.  Rather then affirmatively being mean to you I think this poor guy may have been trying to help you come to the conclusion that he wasn't right for you.  It was kind of his way of softening the blow.   It sounds like he screwed that all up & ended up hurting you because of the ham handed way he went about things.  He should have simply stopped interacting with you.  It's cruel of him to say you weren't intelligent enough or not attractive enough or any of the other pit downs he leveled at you.  

Some times those things are true but it's rude & mean to say them.  I had this friend I had known since I was 18.  Back then he was one of the "cool guys" -- every girl wanted him & he had his pick.  I was like his little sister which was fine with me.  I actually didn't want to go out with him because even then I knew he was an alcoholic on the express train to nowhere but he had a heart of gold & at 18 it's all fun & games.  I liked being the "little sister".  I got all the attention with none of the sex stuff which I could not have handled back then anyway.  Fast forward 20 years.  I moved back home & he was still there. . . doing the same old crap but still being charming & sexy.  He offered me a FWB thing & I said yes.  It was fun but what was amusing at 18 was pathetic at almost 40.  I have a post graduate degree; he barely graduated from HS.  His only hobby was drinking beer.  He had nothing to talk about & a dead end low wage job but hey the sex was great.  Then he started to catch feelings for me so I stopped the benefits.  He really is a dear, sweet troubled man.  I couldn't very well tell him I didn't want anything more then sex from him because he was basically a stupid, alcoholic, loser.  That would have been horrible to say so I relied on the clichés & in time he slowly came back to being my friend but we certainly aren't as close as we once were.  

What this guy's motives were & how you reacted at the time are no longer relevant. How you react now -- putting him in your rear view mirror & genuinely not caring about what he thinks or feels is how you heal from this.  One day at a time.  Block & move forward.  

Can I get some more advice? I appreciate your honestly and I've gained a lot of clarity in your responses. I woke up this morning and I feel so guilty and a bit stupid. 

I haven't been doing so well mentally and I was in a bit of a fog.  That was no excuse to treat someone as poorly as I treated him. He was a good friend to me in this for the most part. I was only looking at this as rejection and the negative aspects of what he was doing. I can't even see this as rejection anymore but that he put a lot if effort into teaching me about relationships and life, despite my behavior towards him. I was gonna walk away and leave it because I did not want to open up a can of warms or anything. If you knew the details of how poorly I treated this person, how cruel I was with my words, and what he did for me then I would be seen as the a**h*** in this. I was trying to avoid it but now it's hard to avoid it. Should I leave it alone or acknowledge that I recognize his patience and what he did for me? Should I thank him? I'm not sure how I would word it if I did because I do not want him to think I'm looking at this from a delusional and deluded point of view anymore. Should I sit on this a few months and possibly send him a thank you card? Maybe a gift or something? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just leave it be, OP. 

Don't contact him or send him a card or gift. You need to really have no contact with him ever again. It's better for you that way. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just leave it be, OP. 

Don't contact him or send him a card or gift. You need to really have no contact with him ever again. It's better for you that way. 

I agree.  He's doing fine.  You have to worry about your healing and getting over him.