I'm sick of this guy

[Datingdisabled]

This is a rant but any input is appreciated. I used to work with this guy a few years ago. He was a very attractive spanish engineer. He was extremely popular and attention seeking. He was definitely attention seeking. He would also try to get my attention and even yelled out I was adorable to another coworker. At first, I didn't even like him but then he came to work in crutches and I noticed him more. That was the biggest mistake of my life! I can't get rid of this guy and even contacted corporate lawyers at work only I got into trouble because he's been at the company for so long. He had been praying into my life since I met him. He even comments on my parenting, house work and relationship status. I am bed bound until I can get a steroid injection for mobility again.

We had a lot of problems and I've since left the job. He continues to pry into my dating life. He had catfished me once online to encourage me to date and another time he had a dancing partner meet with me for dinner to encourage me to date.

I've contacted him directly and told him to stay out of my dating life and life and move on. He responded to me telling me how happy he is in his relationship and how he wants the same for me. He never once asks how I'm doing health wise and it's all about my career, work, family and relationship.

I have made it clear I don't want his help but now he's using other means. It's very painful, disturbing, unwanted and I am at my wits end. I want him to stop!

[mortensorchid]

Have a chat with him and tell him that this behavior is making you uncomfortable.  If he doesn't listen, bring it up to management.  Thanks to things like the #metoo move a while back, not to mention how sue happy we are, people should be scared to death of what others are capable of.

[bobjon]

Sorry, not buying it......  We get that you want to date/don't want to date.  It is pretty easy remove someone from your life.  It is called block/delete/unfriend/etc.  There is no way for a guy to "pry into your life" unless you are allowing it.  If you no longer work with him, this seems pretty simple..... Obviously there are next level legal steps you can take, but you have to take reasonable measures first.  

If you don't want contact, you DO NOT "contact him directly", you DO NOT contact, period!  You terminate..... you are enabling him.  

Edited September 7, 2020 by bobjon

[ExpatInItaly]

By any chance, have  you posted about this person before under different accounts?

The description of events brings to mind a couple of other recent threads, also about a man trying to nose his way into the poster’s private life. 

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, bobjon said:

Sorry, not buying it......  We get that you want to date/don't want to date.  It is pretty easy remove someone from your life.  It is called block/delete/unfriend/etc.  There is no way for a guy to "pry into your life" unless you are allowing it.  If you no longer work with him, this seems pretty simple..... Obviously there are next level legal steps you can take, but you have to take reasonable measures first.  

I was just reading your posts and appreciate the advice.

 

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

By any chance, have  you posted about this person before under different accounts?

The description of events brings to mind a couple of other recent threads, also about a man trying to nose his way into the poster’s private life. 

No, first time but where are the posts. It's very hurtful.

[stillafool]

I agree it's pretty simple to just block him from contact and never, ever answer him back.  With no responses from you he will move on.

[d0nnivain]

I agree you need to simply block him on all platforms.  If he gets through from another # you hang up on him & block that #.  

You tried nice.  Now it's time to get tough 

[Maldives]

Man I would let the police know that's crossing boundaries 

[Datingdisabled]

The thing is, no one understands my point of view or cares. I can't talk to anyone about this so I sit on it and struggle with this day in and day out. It doesn't help that my back went out and I have physical pain on top of processing all of this. 

I really got wrapped up in all the contact and the last 9 months have just flown by and I have made no progress. 

He knew how much I wanted to be with him but I couldn't because I wasn't in a good place. I should have blocked him but because I had such strong feelings for him, I was reading what he was saying. Before I could figure out what happened, found out he was with someone else. 

I'm going to be okay and move forward but it just hurts that someone would go to such depth to make you feel so low. 

I honestly don't feel like I'm ever going to fall in love again or meet someone who is going to even fall in love with me. 

I just wanted to write about it and move on. It's going to be difficult because of how deep I am involved now. I feel horrible and I just wanted someone to talk to about it. 

It really sucks when they love someone more. I'm never going to contact him again. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

The thing is, no one understands my point of view or cares.  

What is it that you feel nobody understands, exactly? 

[Datingdisabled]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is it that you feel nobody understands, exactly? 

How wrong this man was. How wrong it was for him to have done this. To have me harassed and I'm left disabled. I opened a business, I had every right, I spent many years saving and planning. I had a contract. I posted an ad looking for people to work. He responded harassing me and making fun of me. I end up in bed with a shooting pain up my arm. I want my privacy and peace to move on, like anyone else would. 

I feel like I'm having a heart attack. Days later, I'm in crippling pain and I can't move. I go to the hospital and my spines gone. The pain is permanent and I have to go to physio. The pain killers help but the pain is constant. 

I'm finding a new normal and he is very fine with a new women and I'm the bad guy here while he's me innocent. Nothing good happened to me since this guy. I never wanted to damage his life, I just wanted peace in mine. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

How wrong this man was. How wrong it was for him to have done this. To have me harassed and I'm left disabled.

I'm a little confused - this Spanish man (in you first post on this thread) was the one who hurt you and left you disabled?

 

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm a little confused - this Spanish man (in you first post on this thread) was the one who hurt you and left you disabled?

 

The distress he caused me and the harassment has contributed to my disability state. Something no one will ever believe. He has everyone believing I am the problem. I'm the one who was wrong and he is the one who was right. 

He had every right to place himself into my life for me to learn. A lot of people got involved on his behalf and for his well being, not mine. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by Datingdisabled

[ExpatInItaly]

All you can do is keep him blocked.

Report any attempts as contacts by him or third parties to authorities.  

[Datingdisabled]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

All you can do is keep him blocked.

Report any attempts as contacts by him or third parties to authorities.  

I've accepted he moved on. I accepted he is never going to reconnect with me. I accepted he does not like me nor did he feel the same way I did. I accept the situation and what I did. I did what I did to avoid this and I am having a hard time letting this go now. He made it seem like he felt the same but he didn't. I really though he was respecting me. I just wanted some privacy and peace to move on. I'm gonna go to the drs to get some pain relief asap as my painter is here. I'm going to get the physical pain under control and try my best to go to work tomorrow and to a therapist. No one gets it but no one asked and I am in a lot of termoil over this situation. I'm stuck and u can't mentally move past it. I didn't have a say or a voice in this. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Datingdisabled said:

The distress he caused me and the harassment has contributed to my disability state. Something no one will ever believe.

Stress & anxiety can have physical manifestations.  That is what you are experiencing.  Because you are so upset, your body reacts negatively.  Every little ache & pain are magnified.  It's called pyscho-somatic, which gets a bad rap.  Even though it's all in your head, that doesn't make it not real.  You feel these debilitating pains. I've been there.  All the pain meds in the world won't fix what ails you because they don't treat the problem.  You need to see a mental health specialist who can give you tools to combat your anxiety & make you stronger to fight back against the harassment.  I am not saying you are crazy.  I am saying you need the right kind of doctor to deal with your issue.  Even if you have underlying spinal pathology (herniated discs or osteoporosis) all the stress is magnifying everything & making it worse. 

Re-build your business in the new Covid normal & put him in your rear view mirror.  When he tries to undermine you remind yourself his is but one opinion.  He is not the be all end all arbiter of your life.  

You may feel stuck but you aren't.   You have choices.  You can chose to disregard him & move forward in your life.  You can also chose to stay where you are & wallow in self pity until you eventually drown. The 1st choice is acknowledging that you & only you can change things.  Go for it!

Edited September 8, 2020 by d0nnivain

[poppyfields]

Hello DatingDisabled, goodness you have a lot you're dealing with right now, emotionally and physically. I'm so sorry.  Hugs

Reading your stories (this thread and previous), I'm a bit confused, hoping you can clarify.

In your previous thread a few days ago, you wrote you were working towards moving past an unhappy, abusive marriage and asking us if you should start dating and if so, how to proceed.

Later in the thread, you admitted you are not ready to date nor are you seeking a relationship at this time. 

No mention of any other men in your life (or heart) since the demise of your marriage.

Now, in this thread, you discuss a Spanish engineer with whom you used to work, whom you had (or still have?) strong feelings for, had some sort of interaction with for nine months?  

But due to your physical pain and limitations, you never acted upon those feelings, he now has a girlfriend but is nevertheless harassing you?  

Is this correct?

You also posted your job is a physical one, but yet despite your pain, spinal issues and being bed ridden, you are going to attempt to return to work (or begin a new job) on Tuesday (today)?

Read your posts twice, but surely, I must have missed something, hence my confusion.

Would it be possible for you to clarify?  

Hope you feel better, whatever is going on, it all sounds pretty crappy. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Datingdisabled]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hello DatingDisabled, goodness you have a lot you're dealing with right now, emotionally and physically. I'm so sorry.  Hugs

Reading your stories (this thread and previous), I'm a bit confused, hoping you can clarify.

In your previous thread a few days ago, you wrote you were working towards moving past an unhappy, abusive marriage and asking us if you should start dating and if so, how to proceed.

Later in the thread, you admitted you are not ready to date nor are you seeking a relationship at this time. 

No mention of any other men in your life (or heart) since the demise of your marriage.

Now, in this thread, you discuss a Spanish engineer with whom you used to work, whom you had (or still have?) strong feelings for, had some sort of interaction with for nine months?  

But due to your physical pain and limitations, you never acted upon those feelings, he now has a girlfriend but is nevertheless harassing you?  

Is this correct?

You also posted your job is a physical one, but yet despite your pain, spinal issues and being bed ridden, you are going to attempt to return to work (or begin a new job) on Tuesday (today)?

Read your posts twice, but surely, I must have missed something, hence my confusion.

Would it be possible for you to clarify?  

Hope you feel better, whatever is going on, it all sounds pretty crappy. 

 

 

 

 

Yes all of that is correct. I went to the drs. The painter is here. I am trying to get a referral for a steroid shot at a sports medicine clinic that does them. I'm going to work tomorrow so that I can pay bills. All of that is correct and I was really struggling with the fact this guy made me feel so strongly about him only to leave me high and dry and fall in love with another women. I don't love where I'm at mentally or physically at all. I am not letting this stop me from working. I will eventually modify my work but I can't just yet. I can't give up. I am struggling with obsessing over this guy and his new girlfriend, that is correct. I will find a therapist and hopefully forget about him but right now it doesn't seem possible. I keep thinking I hate her because he likes her so much. 

[poppyfields]

Thanks for clarifying DD.  What do your doctors think of you returning to work, given the fact your job is a physical one?

Is it safe?  Are they (or you) concerned you could do more damage?  Spinal issues are quite serious, if more damage is done at your job, you could end up paralyzed or wheelchair dependent.

I'm shocked your doctors would allow you to return.  Is your new job aware of your physical issues?  If you get hurt or do more damage, they could be held liable.

I understand you need to pay bills, but if you are in the US, there are many government financial benefits and entitlement programs for the temporary or permanently disabled.

Just a thought, I would hate to see you do more damage that has the potential to disable you permanently!

But up to you.  You have to do what you think is best.

As for the Spanish engineer, would it be possible for you to block him, and no longer allow him access to any part of your life?   

You have control, you are the driver of your own ship. 

That would be the most efficient solution imo.  It would make it easier for you to get over your emotional attachment to him as well.

Wishing you all the best.  

 

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[Datingdisabled]

39 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Thanks for clarifying DD.  What do your doctors think of you returning to work, given the fact your job is a physical one?

Is it safe?  Are they (or you) concerned you could do more damage?  Spinal issues are quite serious, if more damage is done at your job, you could end up paralyzed or wheelchair dependent.

I'm shocked your doctors would allow you to return.  Is your new job aware of your physical issues?  If you get hurt or do more damage, they could be held liable.

I understand you need to pay bills, but if you are in the US, there are many government financial benefits and entitlement programs for the temporary or permanently disabled.

Just a thought, I would hate to see you do more damage that has the potential to disable you permanently!

But up to you.  You have to do what you think is best.

As for the Spanish engineer, would it be possible for you to block him, and no longer allow him access to any part of your life?   

You have control, you are the driver of your own ship. 

That would be the most efficient solution imo.  It would make it easier for you to get over your emotional attachment to him as well.

Wishing you all the best.  

 

It's my company so I am liable and I worked very hard and refuse to sit here disabled and mourning a man who never should have been here today. I have a helper and I'm trying to purchase a tool that puts less strain on my back. I refuse to let the future I worked for go because of this and sit on a disability check while the world goes to the spanish man and his new girlfriend. My painter is here painting as I tape this. I have been mobile since 8am. I have referrals in place and working on more. With the contract I start tomorrow, I can afford sports medicine through a private practice. 

I am able to modify my work and as soon as I hire tapers, I'll step back and just do more contracts. They are very hard to find.

I have new furniture tomorrow and I'm fixing my house and garage. After a few months , I'll return to the gym. It has a pool and I can swim in the mornings. 

The guy has a girlfriend, there is no reason to block. That's enough to move on. It's been since February and I am the only one who suffered. His girlfriend will never have to suffer as much as me so no, absolutely not accepting disability checks. I'll hire medicine and I'll get what I need to thrive. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

The guy has a girlfriend, there is no reason to block. 

This is incorrect, if he's prying into your dating life and causing problems by being in contact with you. 

I can't see why you wouldn't block someone who you feel has created so much strife for you - unless you're hoping he will someday change his mind and want to be with you. Is that why you don't want to block him?

[Datingdisabled]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is incorrect, if he's prying into your dating life and causing problems by being in contact with you. 

I can't see why you wouldn't block someone who you feel has created so much strife for you - unless you're hoping he will someday change his mind and want to be with you. Is that why you don't want to block him?

No, it's not why. He assumes that too and does this so I block him. It's because I am not dating him and not going to. When someone comes along, I'll date them. He isn't going to prevent me from moving on because he chooses to take over sites I visit. He allowed this to go on and I am the only one who got hurt. He can't affect me any way be it block or not. 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

He can't affect me any way be it block or not. 

Not according to this:

3 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

The distress he caused me and the harassment has contributed to my disability state

Or this:

3 hours ago, Datingdisabled said:

How wrong this man was. How wrong it was for him to have done this. To have me harassed and I'm left disabled. I opened a business, I had every right, I spent many years saving and planning. I had a contract. I posted an ad looking for people to work. He responded harassing me and making fun of me.

It is a mistake to leave this man unblocked. You have to take some responsibility for your own well-being too; you are not totally powerless here, which is a good thing. You can do more to protect yourself from toxic people like this man. It's a choice to allow this man direct access to you. 

You say you're sick of him, but you refuse to do the one simple thing that would provide at least a little relief. You can't really have it both ways, Dating. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Datingdisabled]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not according to this:

Or this:

It is a mistake to leave this man unblocked. You have to take some responsibility for your own well-being too; you are not totally powerless here, which is a good thing. You can do more to protect yourself from toxic people like this man. It's a choice to allow this man direct access to you. 

 

I need this forum more then you think. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this all. I like reading posts but not insults or cuts at myself. I just need to talk sometimes and read positive advice. It's like everyone is with their spouses and someone here has time for me. I'm not doing anything wrong but getting support I need. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Datingdisabled said:

I need this forum more then you think. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this all. I like reading posts but not insults or cuts at myself. I just need to talk sometimes and read positive advice. It's like everyone is with their spouses and someone here has time for me. I'm not doing anything wrong but getting support I need. 

I am not insulting or cutting you, OP, but encouraging you to take better control over your own life. As I said, you have more power here than you think. You don't have to be at this man's mercy. You are, however, standing in your own way on this specific issue. 

It's up to you whether you choose to heed the advice given in this thread, or keep doing what you're doing - which you acknowledge doesn't seem to be working well for you. 

Edited September 8, 2020 by ExpatInItaly