Dating when you don't see 'Long term' in it

[Ruby Slippers]

Then go with your idea of a few more dates but no sex unless you see greater potential. No harm in that. 

[WesHightower]

10 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Then go with your idea of a few more dates but no sex unless you see greater potential. No harm in that. 

Yes, probably the thing to do.  Also, she is from a very conservative culture so I doubt very much that anything would happen early on.

[Wiseman2]

Dating is to get to know someone. Not map out the future

One step at a time. If it works out great. However, don't feign interest or string anyone along. If all you want is casual sex, you'll need to be upfront about that.

[elaine567]

On 9/7/2020 at 4:20 PM, WesHightower said:

However, I don’t see a long term future in it.  For one thing, our cultures are very different. Physically I am attracted to her but she is not who I would usually be attracted to.

Ok but NOW, as you have not received the encouragement to go ahead anyway, that you had hoped for, NOW it seems there may be a future...
Face it  you just want a fling with this girl, because you feel entitled, and you are trying to put a bit of a veneer on your motives to try to justify it...

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, thank you for showing me I have to be even more careful than I thought when dating. 

Wolf in sheep's clothing...scary stuff.

[poppyfields]

9 hours ago, WesHightower said:

I had said in an earlier reply that there’s a chance I could totally fall for this girl and change my mind about long term.  Maybe I like this girl enough already that id like to see if that happens.  And I do really like this girl for other aspects, other than physical- there hasn’t even been anything physical.

I am more impressed with her each time I talk to her.  So at this stage, if I started going out with her it would be to see what happens.  Isn’t that really what all dating is about?  Maybe 2 people know they want something long term and they start dating but they don’t guarantee each other that this is forever.  Any relationship at the start is ‘to see what happens’. 

WesHightower, thank you for making this^ clarification!  I read it earlier, but given some of the responses, I think some folks may have missed. 

Dating, getting to know a particular person to determine if you want something long term with that particular person IS what dating is all about.

The reality is no one knows what they want with the person they just dating. How could they, they just started dating!

Heck if a man told me right up front or after only a few dates he wanted a LTR with me, I'd think he was love bombing me and run.  I've had it happen and did not trust it or him for one minute.  It turned me off!

It takes time!  Slow and gradual.  Many people on this forum advocate that so a bit confused by some of these responses tbh.

Sure if you were absolutely 100% certain she's not the one for you, that would be different. But that's not what's happening.

Right now you're at the getting to know each other stage, figuring out if there's long term potential, which is fine!!  Nothing bad or wrong about that whatsoever.

My boyfriend and I didn't become exclusive for 2.5 months!  We've been together almost three years and discussing living together and even marriage. 

As far as her not being the "type" you have fallen for in the past, who cares? 

You're attracted to her, you find her interesting and you admit you like her beyond the physical, focus on that, forget who you've liked in the past, and see where it goes. 

Hell, after a few more dates, she may decide she doesn't want long term with you!  

By the way, when I met my ex, he had recently gotten out of a LTR and was not looking for another one anytime soon.  He told me this.  I chose to continue dating him.  No pressure, no expectations.

However, within a very short time, he asked to be exclusive and we were together six years! 

There is so much black and white thinking on these forums, in the outside world too.  Life is not black and white, there are many shades of gray, and nuances that make each and every experience unique. 

Imo, say nothing right now, enjoy getting to know each other and see where it takes you. 

If down the road, you become certain she's not the right fit for you long term, then tell her.

Good luck and enjoy! 

 

 

Edited September 9, 2020 by poppyfields

[WesHightower]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Ok but NOW, as you have not received the encouragement to go ahead anyway, that you had hoped for, NOW it seems there may be a future...
Face it  you just want a fling with this girl, because you feel entitled, and you are trying to put a bit of a veneer on your motives to try to justify it...

Yes, you got me.  Now as I go to knock on this girls door, I’ll let out an evil laugh  I was hoping for encouragement so I found an Internet forum hoping that the people who I have never andmost likely will never meet would cheer me on.  I would have gotten away with it too, it it wasn’t for you meddling kids.  And what really gets me is how I feel ‘entitled’  Can you explain what leads you to think I feel entitled?  Have you ever started dating someone and had mixed feelings about it, for whatever reason?  You liked the person but for what could be a myriad of reasons you didn’t see a future in it but what you felt made you want to give it a shot anyway?  
some of these posts have been reasonable and helpful and have really helped me think about this but a few of them have painted me as  some sex crazed fiend intent on destroying this girls life.  I hesitate to say this as I’m sure it will Make even more of a villain but I can’t help but think you are projecting Something from a personal experience and making a huge generalizarion.  

 

[WesHightower]

2 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

OP, thank you for showing me I have to be even more careful than I thought when dating. 

Wolf in sheep's clothing...scary stuff.

Wow, just wow.

[poppyfields]

37 minutes ago, WesHightower said:

Wow, just wow.

Agree, that response was a bit harsh. 

You're fine, in fact imo how you're handing this is even smart  (see my previous post). 

[WesHightower]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Agree, that response was a bit harsh. 

You're fine, in fact imo how you're handing this is even smart  (see my previous post). 

You sure?  Lol, I can post my mugshot so if anyone spots me they can be sure and run the other way.  

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, WesHightower said:

Make even more of a villain but I can’t help but think you are projecting Something from a personal experience and making a huge generalizarion.  

Wrong.
I just do not like to see women being duped.

[Ruby Slippers]

I recognize the good in you asking these questions here. A lot of people would act first and think about it later. You're taking the time to consider the ramifications of your impulses, which is a good thing.

[WesHightower]

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[introverted1]

On 9/7/2020 at 11:20 AM, WesHightower said:

Should I date someone and progress things knowing for sure there isn’t a long term in it?  I would think that in this day and age you start a relationship and sex is part of seeing if you are compatible.  I think this is always the assumption but if you come right out and state it, this would likely end things.  I mean I can’t know for sure that she is thinking long term.   It’s not just sex, I do have and want to have fun with her doing the things people do- going on dates, just hanging out etc.   Is it selfish to want to experience these parts of a relationship knowing that I will have to end it at a certain point?  Is it assumed that unless you have agreed to be ‘exclusive’ that neither of you can make assumptions about long term?  I know that neither of us owes anything to the other, really at any point but I don’t want to hurt someone, especially someone who was cheated on and has resulting issues.  On the other hand I don’t want to just come out and say ‘look I want to date you and enjoy our time together but I don’t see it working long term.’ 

OP, the reason you are getting flack from some posters is (I think) because of the bolded above.  Your were quite definitive that you did not see the possibility of a long-term relationship with this woman and then, as you considered your own "ticking clock" and other factors, you walked it back.

On 9/7/2020 at 5:31 PM, WesHightower said:

And here I am alone at this age.  So many times I’ve made decisions based on ‘trying not to hurt someone’ and foregoing what I actually want.  I was alone for ten years with no one in my life because I was focusing on helping other people in my life.  <snip>

And It is so much more difficult at this age.  I am 46 now and until 6 months ago the last ‘date’ I had was with my ex wife when I was 29.  Then there is the ticking clock, especially for women but also for men.  And in the back of my head I’m thinking there’s a chance I could totally fall for this woman and none of this would matter.  But I’ll never see if I don’t give it a chance.  I guess there is solace in the fact that if I was a total a**h***, this would be easy.  

<snip>

 And it could be that I am hedging my bets.  

I don't know if you are telling us a story or telling yourself one. But going from 'it definitely cannot work' to 'maybe it can' in the space of 6 hours is what is raising doubt, imo.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

23 hours ago, WesHightower said:

Wow, just wow.

That was my honest reaction to reading your posts. I felt part afraid of being in this girl's situation and part relieved to not be her. 

Hopefully that shows you that women are vulnerable and easily hurt by this sort of thing, and punctuates how important it is to be transparent of your intentions.

Just tell her what she is dealing with so she can make an informed decision. You said you don't see long-term and are being selfish, but then back-peddled on that when posters challenged you.

Even if you don't have mal intent, are you sure you're ready for a commitment with anyone? Isn't your "I have extremely high standards" just another way of ensuring you won't be vulnerable in a relationship?

This girl is ringing your bells, yet you still have reservations. I think that speaks to something inside of you...fear? Have you totally resolved your feelings from your divorce? Not just for your ex, but also the inevitable feelings of failure, fear of repeating the negatives with someone else, etc.?

Edited September 10, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[SumGuy]

On 9/7/2020 at 11:38 PM, WesHightower said:

If I was that much of an a**h*** I wouldn’t think twice about it and I definitely wouldn’t take the time to seek out advice. But yes there is selfishness in it on my part.  Let me ask you this:  let’s say I date her but don’t sleep with her.  Am I any less of an a**h*** for just going out, spending time, and having fun with her?  Is not sleeping with her keeping a safe enough distance and seeing where this goes before we get serious?  I do really like her beyond just the physical. 

Validation is different than advice.  People go on forums all the time to get people to validate behavior they know deep down is not OK, they want an echo chamber.  The internet excels at that.

All depends on if you are open and honest in your communication.  You are not an a**h*t if you let her know where you are at be it I just want FWB or I just want to have fun but not necessarily sex, etc.  It is really not complicated, but it can be hard especially when one knows or believes honesty wont get them what they want.   So they seek reasons and justifications to not be honest and transparent for a variety of reasons.

If you don't like her beyond the physical let her know.  If you want to be honorable, and don't have an agenda you want to hide, what is the possible harm?  You don't get laid?  So what?  Find someone who will sleep with you when you are honest about your motive, desires and intentions.

 

[poppyfields]

Guys, read the OP's later posts.  He confirmed that he simply doesn't know whether or not he wants long term with this particular girl, and how could he, they just started dating and haven't even been sexual yet?

No one knows if they want long term right outta the gate and frankly I would run from any man who claimed he did, and have!

He went on to say he could see himself falling in love with her and wanting long term at that point, but this all takes time.