Dating when you don't see 'Long term' in it

September 7, 2020

I am a 46 year old male. I separated from my ex wife 5 years ago and legally divorced 3 years ago. Over that time I consciously decided not to date and to focus on other parts of my life. For the last 6 months I have been dating again, meeting women primarily through online dating apps. I have met a few women and gone on dates with them. None of these turned into anything beyond kissing etc.for different reasons- I didn’t like them and didn’t pursue it and vice versa. I tend to be very picky and I am way above average in looks. I do think this matters for better or worse. I don’t have any problems getting dates with women I am attracted to and I only date women who most people would consider very attractive. That’s just my preference. i like what I like. I have now met a girl that I like and she likes me and I know it could go much further. She is 5 years younger. My marriage ended because we grew apart, there was no infidelity. The girls marriage ended because her husband wasn’t faithful and she has stated that she has trust issues. I like this girl, I am emotionally and physically attracted to her and I want this to go further. However, I don’t see a long term future in it. For one thing, our cultures are very different. Physically I am attracted to her but she is not who I would usually be attracted to. Maybe this is odd that I only see myself long term with a certain ‘type’ but this is how I feel, I can’t change it. We haven’t even held hands as of yet but the anticipation of that first kiss and beyond is thrilling and hard to resist. On the other hand I don’t want to feel like I am tricking her into this. We both had stated in our profiles that we are looking for a relationship. I guess my question is this: Does every relationship have to start with the idea and the assumption that ideally this is going to be a forever thing? Should I date someone and progress things knowing for sure there isn’t a long term in it? I would think that in this day and age you start a relationship and sex is part of seeing if you are compatible. I think this is always the assumption but if you come right out and state it, this would likely end things. I mean I can’t know for sure that she is thinking long term. It’s not just sex, I do have and want to have fun with her doing the things people do- going on dates, just hanging out etc. Is it selfish to want to experience these parts of a relationship knowing that I will have to end it at a certain point? Is it assumed that unless you have agreed to be ‘exclusive’ that neither of you can make assumptions about long term? I know that neither of us owes anything to the other, really at any point but I don’t want to hurt someone, especially someone who was cheated on and has resulting issues. On the other hand I don’t want to just come out and say ‘look I want to date you and enjoy our time together but I don’t see it working long term.’ Even if she felt the same, the act of Actually saying it sort of casts a shadow over the whole thing.

September 7, 2020

No l don't buy the usual mumbo jumbo about not owing someone. l think if your meting decent people then you owe it to each other day one to be treated with respect and honesty. So l would tell her .

September 7, 2020

3 hours ago, WesHightower said:

On the other hand I don’t want to just come out and say ‘look I want to date you and enjoy our time together but I don’t see it working long term.’ Even if she felt the same, the act of Actually saying it sort of casts a shadow over the whole thing.

So basically, you know that you don't want a long-term relationship with her, but you are not telling her that. Do you honestly not feel bad being dishonest with her and stringing her along?

You need to be honest with her immediately and just let her know that you're not looking for a long-term relationship. If you keep that information from her, you are wasting her time and that's just not right. This is going to blow up in your face if you're not honest from the start. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. Maybe she's ok with short-term dating and just having fun. And if she is looking for a long-term relationship, then she needs to know that you're not the person she should waste her time with, because at her age she might feel like she's not getting any younger and this might be an important thing for her to know.

September 7, 2020

Yep I agree 100% with chillii. Just tell her you are emotionally unavailable and only looking for fun. She can then make a decision knowing what to expect.

September 7, 2020

3 hours ago, WesHightower said:

I am a 46 year old male. I separated from my ex wife 5 years ago and legally divorced 3 years ago. Over that time I consciously decided not to date and to focus on other parts of my life. For the last 6 months I have been dating again, meeting women primarily through online dating apps. I have met a few women and gone on dates with them. None of these turned into anything beyond kissing etc.for different reasons- I didn’t like them and didn’t pursue it and vice versa. I tend to be very picky and I am way above average in looks. I do think this matters for better or worse. I don’t have any problems getting dates with women I am attracted to and I only date women who most people would consider very attractive. That’s just my preference. i like what I like. I have now met a girl that I like and she likes me and I know it could go much further. She is 5 years younger. My marriage ended because we grew apart, there was no infidelity. The girls marriage ended because her husband wasn’t faithful and she has stated that she has trust issues. I like this girl, I am emotionally and physically attracted to her and I want this to go further. However, I don’t see a long term future in it. For one thing, our cultures are very different. Physically I am attracted to her but she is not who I would usually be attracted to. Maybe this is odd that I only see myself long term with a certain ‘type’ but this is how I feel, I can’t change it. We haven’t even held hands as of yet but the anticipation of that first kiss and beyond is thrilling and hard to resist. On the other hand I don’t want to feel like I am tricking her into this. We both had stated in our profiles that we are looking for a relationship. I guess my question is this: Does every relationship have to start with the idea and the assumption that ideally this is going to be a forever thing? Should I date someone and progress things knowing for sure there isn’t a long term in it? I would think that in this day and age you start a relationship and sex is part of seeing if you are compatible. I think this is always the assumption but if you come right out and state it, this would likely end things. I mean I can’t know for sure that she is thinking long term. It’s not just sex, I do have and want to have fun with her doing the things people do- going on dates, just hanging out etc. Is it selfish to want to experience these parts of a relationship knowing that I will have to end it at a certain point? Is it assumed that unless you have agreed to be ‘exclusive’ that neither of you can make assumptions about long term? I know that neither of us owes anything to the other, really at any point but I don’t want to hurt someone, especially someone who was cheated on and has resulting issues. On the other hand I don’t want to just come out and say ‘look I want to date you and enjoy our time together but I don’t see it working long term.’ Even if she felt the same, the act of Actually saying it sort of casts a shadow over the whole thing.

She wants a relationship, and stated that on her profile. Tell her the truth about how you’re feeling about the situation it’s the right thing to do. I’m 25 and I would want the same decency and respect. She wasn’t planning on her marriage ending. She wants a life partner not to be played with.

September 7, 2020

I think it's a bit too early for you to write her completely off.

You sound like a decent guy. Saying you want a relationship in your profile is not the same thing as agreeing that anybody you go on a few dates with is marriage material. As long as you are upfront about whether she is or is not the only one you are having sex with, should this get that far, she can make up her own mind but I don't think at this early stage you need to announce that you don't see a long term future with her. Just never give her the impression that you are open to settling down with her if you are not.

September 7, 2020

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I think it's a bit too early for you to write her completely off.

You sound like a decent guy. Saying you want a relationship in your profile is not the same thing as agreeing that anybody you go on a few dates with is marriage material. As long as you are upfront about whether she is or is not the only one you are having sex with, should this get that far, she can make up her own mind but I don't think at this early stage you need to announce that you don't see a long term future with her. Just never give her the impression that you are open to settling down with her if you are not.

This is how I ‘want’ to look at it but there is another part of me who sees it as the above posters see it. But how the above posters see it is how I’ve done things my whole life. And here I am alone at this age. So many times I’ve made decisions based on ‘trying not to hurt someone’ and foregoing what I actually want. I was alone for ten years with no one in my life because I was focusing on helping other people in my life. It’s a long and complex story.

And It is so much more difficult at this age. I am 46 now and until 6 months ago the last ‘date’ I had was with my ex wife when I was 29. Then there is the ticking clock, especially for women but also for men. And in the back of my head I’m thinking there’s a chance I could totally fall for this woman and none of this would matter. But I’ll never see if I don’t give it a chance. I guess there is solace in the fact that if I was a total a**h***, this would be easy.

I sort of compare this situation to one of the women i recently met- she checked so many boxes. We met, I thought we really hit it off and then nothing from her, ghosted or whatever. Then she’s back. There was a legit reason she didn’t/couldn’t contact me and she was eager to see me. We go out, have a blast. We’re planning things together already, she asks me if I snore (silly I know but it sort of made me feel good)lol. I’m on cloud 9. I am taking things slowly because I really like this woman and I want to be respectful. Two days later she says this is a tough decision but she has been seeing an ex fiancé and she has decided to go exclusive. Now Im wishing she would have just disappeared. I’m also thinking if I hadnt held back to be respectful maybe things would be different. At first I was pissed. How could she seriously consider me when she’s dating someone she had nearly married? But then I thought, maybe she did see me as something special and just wanted to see. Perhaps she just said this but if it was a tough choice between me, who she had only just met and someone whom she had a long history with, I guess I can feel good about that. And I don’t think I look at it as her being dishonest. I never asked and she never said that she wasn’t seeing anyone else. I think with OLD, you probably should assume a person is seeing others, especially someone you find very attractive- you aren’t the only one who sees this. At worst, maybe she’s hedging her bets. At this age maybe that’s a necessary thing. And it could be that I am hedging my bets.

September 7, 2020

Some things you said sort of give the feeling yeah , things could very well change and grow with this new woman. So now l'd be thinking give it a go but a bit like Donni said , like you need to spend some time with her in that case and she would too that's what it's about so just be true about the situation.

September 7, 2020

I still don't think that you have to or even that you should make any decisions until after you have at least kissed.

Somewhere between 3 - 6 month if you still don't see this going beyond what it is, do let her go but right now, go with the flow.

September 7, 2020

8 hours ago, WesHightower said:

I am a 46 year old male. I separated from my ex wife 5 years ago and legally divorced 3 years ago. Over that time I consciously decided not to date and to focus on other parts of my life. For the last 6 months I have been dating again, meeting women primarily through online dating apps. I have met a few women and gone on dates with them. None of these turned into anything beyond kissing etc.for different reasons- I didn’t like them and didn’t pursue it and vice versa. I tend to be very picky and I am way above average in looks. I do think this matters for better or worse. I don’t have any problems getting dates with women I am attracted to and I only date women who most people would consider very attractive. That’s just my preference. i like what I like. I have now met a girl that I like and she likes me and I know it could go much further. She is 5 years younger. My marriage ended because we grew apart, there was no infidelity. The girls marriage ended because her husband wasn’t faithful and she has stated that she has trust issues. I like this girl, I am emotionally and physically attracted to her and I want this to go further. However, I don’t see a long term future in it. For one thing, our cultures are very different. Physically I am attracted to her but she is not who I would usually be attracted to. Maybe this is odd that I only see myself long term with a certain ‘type’ but this is how I feel, I can’t change it. We haven’t even held hands as of yet but the anticipation of that first kiss and beyond is thrilling and hard to resist. On the other hand I don’t want to feel like I am tricking her into this. We both had stated in our profiles that we are looking for a relationship. I guess my question is this: Does every relationship have to start with the idea and the assumption that ideally this is going to be a forever thing? Should I date someone and progress things knowing for sure there isn’t a long term in it? I would think that in this day and age you start a relationship and sex is part of seeing if you are compatible. I think this is always the assumption but if you come right out and state it, this would likely end things. I mean I can’t know for sure that she is thinking long term. It’s not just sex, I do have and want to have fun with her doing the things people do- going on dates, just hanging out etc. Is it selfish to want to experience these parts of a relationship knowing that I will have to end it at a certain point? Is it assumed that unless you have agreed to be ‘exclusive’ that neither of you can make assumptions about long term? I know that neither of us owes anything to the other, really at any point but I don’t want to hurt someone, especially someone who was cheated on and has resulting issues. On the other hand I don’t want to just come out and say ‘look I want to date you and enjoy our time together but I don’t see it working long term.’ Even if she felt the same, the act of Actually saying it sort of casts a shadow over the whole thing.

I have the same dilemma but mine stems more from not knowing for sure what it is I want

Having said that all the woman I date with pre qualify me asking really serious questions to learn how commited I am to a serious relationship they are all wanting long term forever stuff and the more they indicate it the feeling I get inside is a real uncomfortable feeling as I don't even know em to begin wth. This woman I connected with last night harped on and on about how lonely she was and wants someone to grow old with its a real turn off for me it makes me think they can't function on there own and I can't help but think the expectation would be for me to entertain em and make them happy one word

PRESSURE!

What ever happened to let's get to know each other and see whether we're compatible and are a fit first before all that talk. Womans expectations are Soo different to mens.

Edited September 7, 2020 by Goodguy05

September 7, 2020

If your profile says you're looking for a relationship, she will reasonably expect that you're spending time with her to see if she's compatible for long term. If you already know that she's not a long term option, you owe her honesty about how you feel. Anything less is lying by omission.

September 8, 2020

5 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

I have the same dilemma but mine stems more from not knowing for sure what it is I want

Having said that all the woman I date with pre qualify me asking really serious questions to learn how commited I am to a serious relationship they are all wanting long term forever stuff and the more they indicate it the feeling I get inside is a real uncomfortable feeling as I don't even know em to begin wth. This woman I connected with last night harped on and on about how lonely she was and wants someone to grow old with its a real turn off for me it makes me think they can't function on there own and I can't help but think the expectation would be for me to entertain em and make them happy one word

PRESSURE!

Agreed. It is sort of understandable though. I think women do have a harder time than men with every year that goes by. Some dates I’ve been on, it felt more like the woman was meeting me to check me off a list- to make sure that I’m not a potential partner rather than approaching it with the attitude of ‘let’s give this a shot’. Also, I really have to be ‘on my game’ so to speak. I have sort of an odd sense of humor. More than once I’ve started chatting with someone, I tell a joke and they disappear, lol. I also have to admit that I suffer from ‘the grass is greener’ syndrome. But a few times in my life I have ‘settled’. When you settle, in the end it ends up hurting both of you. I’m determined not to settle again.

September 8, 2020

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

So basically, you know that you don't want a long-term relationship with her, but you are not telling her that. Do you honestly not feel bad being dishonest with her and stringing her along?

You need to be honest with her immediately and just let her know that you're not looking for a long-term relationship. If you keep that information from her, you are wasting her time and that's just not right. This is going to blow up in your face if you're not honest from the start. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. Maybe she's ok with short-term dating and just having fun. And if she is looking for a long-term relationship, then she needs to know that you're not the person she should waste her time with, because at her age she might feel like she's not getting any younger and this might be an important thing for her to know.

The above and posts to the same effect.

OP you are looking for a justification not to be straightforward, fishing with self serving descriptions of what people expect and what is "normal." You know it's not, that is why you are looking for someone to validate the easy way out, in this case deception by the omission of material information meant to mislead.

If you thought she was good with causal, just have fun, FWB etc. you would not be asking. I suspect though you have plenty of evidence she is the opposite and you know if you just had fun and broke up with her, that is going to do wonders for her trust issues. So be a man, be honest. I really do not see why not as the way you describe yourself you have it going on and are not starving for dates, and there certainly women out there who are also not looking for serious.

Edited September 8, 2020 by SumGuy

September 8, 2020

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

The above and posts to the same effect.

OP you are looking for a justification not to be straightforward, fishing with self serving descriptions of what people expect and what is "normal." You know it's not, that is why you are looking for someone to validate the easy way out, in this case deception by the omission of material information meant to mislead.

If you thought she was good with causal, just have fun, FWB etc. you would not be asking. I suspect though you have plenty of evidence she is the opposite and you know if you just had fun and broke up with her, that is going to do wonders for her trust issues. So be a man, be honest. I really do not see why not as the way you describe yourself you have it going on and are not starving for dates, and there certainly women out there who are also not looking for serious.

If I was that much of an a**h*** I wouldn’t think twice about it and I definitely wouldn’t take the time to seek out advice. But yes there is selfishness in it on my part. Let me ask you this: let’s say I date her but don’t sleep with her. Am I any less of an a**h*** for just going out, spending time, and having fun with her? Is not sleeping with her keeping a safe enough distance and seeing where this goes before we get serious? I do really like her beyond just the physical.

September 8, 2020

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

If your profile says you're looking for a relationship, she will reasonably expect that you're spending time with her to see if she's compatible for long term. If you already know that she's not a long term option, you owe her honesty about how you feel. Anything less is lying by omission.

It's this simple.

September 8, 2020

24 minutes ago, WesHightower said:

If I was that much of an a**h*** I wouldn’t think twice about it and I definitely wouldn’t take the time to seek out advice. But yes there is selfishness in it on my part. Let me ask you this: let’s say I date her but don’t sleep with her. Am I any less of an a**h*** for just going out, spending time, and having fun with her? Is not sleeping with her keeping a safe enough distance and seeing where this goes before we get serious? I do really like her beyond just the physical.

You're trying to work in loopholes. You can tell her you don't want it to go anywhere or you can find a lot of self-serving workarounds. The latter will mean you can't keep telling yourself you're a good guy. Nobody here can exonerate you. You can tell her, or you can do a potentially very hurtful thing. That decision is up to you.

September 8, 2020

Treat people the way you'd like to be treated.

September 8, 2020

Nothing wrong with not being interested in anything long-term, especially when you've spent your youth married to someone fo so long. Just be honest from the start. Tell them you're not looking for something long-term.

September 8, 2020

I think the majority of men know early on that they don’t want something long-term with a particular woman, but don’t tell her because then they wouldn’t be able to get “benefits” from her.

If you had a daughter, would you want her to be used in this way?

September 8, 2020

22 hours ago, WesHightower said:

However, I don’t see a long term future in it. For one thing, our cultures are very different. Physically I am attracted to her but she is not who I would usually be attracted to. Maybe this is odd that I only see myself long term with a certain ‘type’ but this is how I feel, I can’t change it.

This is all pretty major stuff and not I guess open to change, so you need to do the decent thing here and end it.
Do not waste her time..

September 8, 2020

You've acknowledged you don't want to hurt someone who has already been hurt, lied to and betrayed. So don't do it. Be honest about your feelings as tactfully as you can. We all deserve the truth and we all deserve to make informed decisions about whether or not we want to be involved with someone based on the groundrules.

September 8, 2020

You're trying to make yourself into a victim of your own "too-kind" behaviour so that you don't feel bad about manipulating this girl into wasting her time with you.

September 8, 2020

20 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I have the same dilemma but mine stems more from not knowing for sure what it is I want

Having said that all the woman I date with pre qualify me asking really serious questions to learn how commited I am to a serious relationship they are all wanting long term forever stuff and the more they indicate it the feeling I get inside is a real uncomfortable feeling as I don't even know em to begin wth. This woman I connected with last night harped on and on about how lonely she was and wants someone to grow old with its a real turn off for me it makes me think they can't function on there own and I can't help but think the expectation would be for me to entertain em and make them happy one word

PRESSURE!

What ever happened to let's get to know each other and see whether we're compatible and are a fit first before all that talk. Womans expectations are Soo different to mens.

When you're not sure what you want, it's not manipulative to continue to date until you figure it out (as long as you don't make a bunch of false promises). OP is sure he doesn't want a long term relationship with this woman, but wants to withhold that information, even though they have both communicated that they are dating with the specific purpose of finding a long term relationship.

If you're looking for both casual dating and the possibility of a long term relationship, you can put that in your profile.

September 8, 2020

I met lots of women where there was no long term potential, but there might be something worth enjoying short term. When I realized that, I would let them know, and we could decide together if a short term relationship would be good enough. Sometimes is was, sometimes it wasn't, and sometimes I decided to end it because she seemed to want more than she was saying.

September 9, 2020

7 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

When you're not sure what you want, it's not manipulative to continue to date until you figure it out (as long as you don't make a bunch of false promises). OP is sure he doesn't want a long term relationship with this woman, but wants to withhold that information, even though they have both communicated that they are dating with the specific purpose of finding a long term relationship.

If you're looking for both casual dating and the possibility of a long term relationship, you can put that in your profile.

I had said in an earlier reply that there’s a chance I could totally fall for this girl and change my mind about long term. Maybe I like this girl enough already that id like to see if that happens. And I do really like this girl for other aspects, other than physical- there hasn’t even been anything physical. I am more impressed with her each time I talk to her. So at this stage, if I started going out with her it would be to see what happens. Isn’t that really what all dating is about? Maybe 2 people know they want something long term and they start dating but they don’t guarantee each other that this is forever. Any relationship at the start is ‘to see what happens’. So yes, if I know for sure that I’d never be with her long term, I’m a heel. Am I a heel if I want to see what comes of it? Is there a certain percentage either way that would make me not a heel? There’s a good chance she starts dating me and decides I’m not her forever guy.

Edited September 9, 2020 by WesHightower

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