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Is there a polite way for me to get him to stop talking about himself so much?

caputo77

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caputo77 Member

caputo77

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My friend set me up with one of her boyfriend’s coworkers and we’ve been texting for a couple weeks and have been out on one date with plans for another one in the works. He’s shown me all the classic signs of interest: regular and consistent texting, good planning, great body language on the date (good eye contact, picked up the check, walked me home, sweet hug and said he’d like to see me again, texted me right after, etc.) 

HOWEVER. The guy doesn’t ask questions. Like at all. I enjoyed our conversation on the date, but I did get to a certain point where I was tired of listening and wanted to share about myself. When I would try to work off something he said to steer the conversation towards me, he’d appear to listen but would not ask any follow-up questions or anything. When I tried to communicate with my body language that I was getting a little bored listening to him talk (lol) he still didn’t pick up on it. When we reached a break in conversation and I consciously stopped leading the conversation, silence.

Now, he’s a little socially awkward (not to be stereotypical, but he’s a graduate student in engineering, do the math lol). And I know sometimes when I’m nervous on a date, my mind goes blank and I can’t think of anything to say or any questions to ask, so I’m not sure if it’s something that’ll change once he opens up a bit more. But...first date questions are usually pretty standard and easy, no? Also, I was asking him plenty of generic questions and it's not that hard to ask them back. 

Today we were texting and I just found myself so frustrated. He was telling me about how he spent his weekend. I asked plenty of follow-up questions, and led the conversation to a point where a NORMAL person would ask, “well that’s my weekend, how was yours?”. NOTHING. I’m so annoyed. He’s done this in the past and that’s usually where I would just stop answering him for the night, hoping to give the hint that if the conversation isn’t balanced, I just won’t talk to him. But I’ve tried that a few times now and still no understanding on his part. He’ll just text me again the next day with some update on what he’s doing.

He seems like a sweet guy and we do have lots in common and have mutual friends. Helps that I find him very physically attractive too. But this is so annoying. Is there some kind of joke or something I can make to politely call him out or at least give him a hint? I don’t want to drop him, but I can barely hold in the snarky comment anymore lol. Like I literally want to answer him and say “cool well my weekend was good too, thanks for asking” but that feels a little harsh. I’m not sure if I should say something polite about it now, just wait it out a little longer before I say anything, or just drop him altogether.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)

First question: do you really want to keep seeing him if this is the type of person he is?  Get clear on that first--it'll inform what you should do next.

I'd be asking him point blank if he really is as disinterested in who you are as his behavior is leading you to believe.

I think you saying “cool well my weekend was good too, thanks for asking” isn't harsh at all... he is apparently clueless on top of being self-centered and self-absorbed and needs to be yanked back to reality.

Or "yeah, I'm not feeling this anymore---you're not interested and I don't need that drummed into my head every time we talk".

Edited by kendahke
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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

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agree with Kendahke

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caputo77 Member

caputo77

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5 minutes ago, kendahke said:

First question: do you really want to keep seeing him if this is the type of person he is?  Get clear on that first--it'll inform what you should do next.

No, I don't lol. I guess since we seem compatible on so many other levels I wanted to at least give it another date or two to see if he gets more comfortable and things change...I also will admit I might be allowing myself to be blinded by the fact I find him very physically attractive.

I think I'll just send my snarky response and see what happens lol. Not invested enough yet to care that much if he takes it poorly I suppose.

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

If you think he talks to much and doesn't express real interest in you and curiosity about you, by definition you are NOT compatible. You are thoroughly incompatible with him. Give this another try? For what? Oh ... he just forgot about you the last time ... oh yeah, he'll do it the next time. Red flag. Stop. Eject. Move on. 

 

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Don't send the snarky response. 

Because you have some reason to believe this may be about nervousness, pretend this is middle school.  Tell your friend who set you up what you told us:  that he doesn't let you talk & doesn't ask follow up Qs.  Ask her if she's observed this when this guy interacts with others. If he's like this with everybody he talks to , cut him loose.    If no, get her to get her BF, his buddy to say something.  Once it's brought to his attention & he has verification that you do like him, he may calm down enough to become a better conversationalist.  

I was on a fixed up date once & the guy said something to me about me talking a lot about myself.  I was taken aback but thought about it for a minute & realized I thought he was so much more accomplished then me so I was tooting my own horn in an effort to get him to like me, to see me as worthy.  I told him as much & he tried to be reassuring thereafter but at that point I was so hurt by the jarring way I felt he attacked me about it, I never went out with him again.  Had he been more sensitive & kinder to me when he pointed out the problem I would not have gotten so defensive.  

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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

You can't teach your date basic social skills, and self-centered people usually have ego issues that take years to improve, if they do at all. It doesn't matter how cute he is - this will get old very fast. I probably wouldn't make it to date 2 with a guy like this. 

  • Like 5
TheFinalWord Established Member

TheFinalWord

Posted
Posted

You're still interacting with his ambassador. Not him. So, it could be nervousness and/or a lack of social understanding. If you like the guy, and you are already frustrated and questioning whether to continue, I would say something. Nothing to lose! Not over text though. In fact, I would not text all the time this early on. It's too much too soon. But if you say something, wait until you meet and just say "hey Mr. X, you're an interesting person and I like learning more about you. But I feel like you don't ask me much about myself and it makes me wonder if you are interested in getting to know me?"

Don't come across accusatory, assuming he's a jerk. Assume he doesn't know how you are perceiving him and come from a place of curiosity. Most men are clueless about what a woman is thinking. Once we think something is working, we just keep doing that because we're petrified to change anything. If you give him a chance, and nothing changes, you can know you tried and cut ways.

I dated a woman like this once. I did every social cue to get her to show recpricol interest. For example, I asked "when is your birthday?" We talked a bit about what she does on her birthday and you would think a normal conversation would follow with her asking when my birthday was and if I have any bday traditions. Nothing. It was like that with everything. But it confused me because she would keep contacting me.

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

Some people don't have good social graces, they just have tunnel vision, don't see past their nose so to speak because they are their whole world. That's something to watch  for...they may lack empathy or your opinion doesn't matter. If you inquire about it to your friend, guaranteed they are going to tell him to cool it if he wants another date.

I'm with Ruby Slippers, first impressions count. I have met really attractive men, but as soon as they opened their mouth they became the most unattractive guy I have ever met.

Edited by smackie9
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Erik30 Established Member

Erik30

Posted
Posted

It's probably just who he is, you can't change that. I used to have friends like that. It's ultimately just too draining to hang out with those people.

Also since you're saying he's very attractive, he might be used to women doing all the work... 

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chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted

l wonder if he's ever had a serious long term relationship or been married, so self absorbed, unaware. 

At any rate, reminds me of my ex only she was probably worse. She'd just draw a total blank when it was about me - for one second , that was like so what have you got to do with anything l'm the important one here .

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bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted (edited)

OP, listen, I am going to throw you a bone here.  I AM that engineering type and an INTJ personality.  I think most of the responses about are likely inaccurate and are products of other personality types.  True, some people really do have narc behaviors but our personality is such that we absorb a LOT of information, and it can sometimes seem like a puke fest of information out of our mouth.  

It is NOT intentional and sometimes we just can't see it!  We just need a little redirect at times, and if he is like me, he will immediately reprogram and start making 'reciprocal convo' part of his thinking process.  If he is into you, he will change this behavior and quickly!  Our brains are do something that may seem ruthless to others, but it is pure logic to us, and that is harness the useful information, and dispatch useless information.  It is in fact a character flaw that some will refuse to deal with but I know WAY more women that appreciate my intelligence and way of thinking, than those that are put off by it.  Here is a question to test these waters.  Does he talk about useful thinks, devices, maybe the best cell phones and why?  Or would he actual gab like a school girl about what I would consider useless topics such as what color of shoes are in style?  We can adapt but I mention this because engineer types are NOT for everyone.  

What would I do?  Restructure with very direct communication.  "So, are you going to ask me about my weekend?" or "This is when you ask me about how MY weekend was?"  or "I'd like to tell you more about me and my weekend".....  I do also like your idea of forming jokes around this.  Humor is my middle name so that would be a language for me.  If he is good with joking around (I find not many engineers are), he should be able to solve the riddle.  I just would not jump ship until you have made it clear to him what your issues are because our type is NOT typical and what might offend most, actually helps us.  

And I will just be very honest with you here, at least with me, I tend to dispatch certain people's stories once I realize there probably won't be anything of particular interest or use.  It could be that he really does like you a LOT, but you may not have the intellect he is looking for so he sort of drives the convo.  I am not trying to insult there, just being direct, as usual.  

Just as an example, I went on a date a couple days ago, and the woman made comment that I was not looking at her.  I immediately changed stance and explained why, which was that I am a very vigilant person, my head is on a swivel, and we were in an area with a lot going on.  For instance a homeless guy on a bike was getting in a dumpster so I track those people with a cop like mentality.  She understood, but I also refocused my brain more to her.  It was my error.  

Edited by bobjon
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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

Posted
Posted

If you're already having problems with him after ONE date, it's very unlikely that this is going to work out.  This is how he is.  You can't teach him social skills..... you SHOULDN'T put yourself in a place to teach him social skills after just one date... you're not his mom, not his therapist, not his teacher.  This is a pretty integral personality trait.  If it's annoying you now, it's only going to annoy you more and more as time goes on.

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kismetkismet Established Member

kismetkismet

Posted
Posted

There's not really any point trying to correct his outward behaviour because the behaviour is caused by a pretty major core flaw - he is deeply self involved and not interested in your life and/or opinion. 

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CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

Posted
Posted

I'm not sure if you can really change a person, or if you want to - ideally you should go out with a person you already like, all around, without very irritating issues like this one right out of the gate...

But...

Have you tried just jumping in?

Him: "Saturday sucked, I had to stay in all day, re-watching GoT for the hundredth time"

You: "I got out, actually. Careful to distance though"

Him: "I want to stay but masks are annoying"

You: "Yeah, I got one that's cotton. Comfortable"

Or...whatever.

And if things still don't move around to you or if he still can't learned that a conversation involves both people, I doubt you can change it.

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mortensorchid Established Member

mortensorchid

Posted
Posted

I have this to say about your situation, some of it is going to sound strange / harsh, but unfortunately that's how it is ...

1) Self centered - When we are born, we are completely self centered and we care very little about others.  Truth be told, I don't think we grow out of that until we are in our early/mid 20s.  Think about when we were kids, as in little kids - One of the ways that adults (as in teaching staff) got students to open up about themselves is to ask them lots of questions about themselves, get them to awaken literacy by getting them to write, read and talk about themselves, etc.  I am a Gen Xer (about to be 46) and I think we took it to extremes as the new authority figures, while the Millennials and the Gen Zers are completely self absorbed and narcissistic.  How did I loose this attitude?  I had not one but two people gang up on me and rip me to shreds emotionally and verbally.  I changed after that.  I realized I was being bad, and I needed to change.  How did I change?  First of all, I became a blank slate with others.  Especially when I started my second job and I had a coworker come up to me when I was minding my own business and said she wanted to tell me that Fat Tracy thought I was not very smart and did I want to know what others said about me?  I was hurt to say the least, I couldn't believe that someone was that jealous and could be that horrible to someone.  I could only imagine how she abused others around her, and I was a stranger!  I stayed fairly silent.  

2) 2 Manuals - There are two books I recommend for all of us to read:  Larry King - How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere as well as Office Politics by R Don Steele.  It is how to conduct yourself with others in the office as well as your personal life.  This will help you be friendly and yet keep walls up between you and others, and people will do what they love to do best : leave a conversation satisfied because they got to do what they love to do most - talk about themselves - and you remain a mystery.

How to solve your problem with this guy?  You could tell him that you'd like to get a word or two in, and it's not necessary for him to talk about himself all the time.  Some people need a kick in the butt rather than an all out attack.

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Datingdisabled Established Member

Datingdisabled

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I have this to say about your situation, some of it is going to sound strange / harsh, but unfortunately that's how it is ...

1) Self centered - When we are born, we are completely self centered and we care very little about others.  Truth be told, I don't think we grow out of that until we are in our early/mid 20s.  Think about when we were kids, as in little kids - One of the ways that adults (as in teaching staff) got students to open up about themselves is to ask them lots of questions about themselves, get them to awaken literacy by getting them to write, read and talk about themselves, etc.  I am a Gen Xer (about to be 46) and I think we took it to extremes as the new authority figures, while the Millennials and the Gen Zers are completely self absorbed and narcissistic.  How did I loose this attitude?  I had not one but two people gang up on me and rip me to shreds emotionally and verbally.  I changed after that.  I realized I was being bad, and I needed to change.  How did I change?  First of all, I became a blank slate with others.  Especially when I started my second job and I had a coworker come up to me when I was minding my own business and said she wanted to tell me that Fat Tracy thought I was not very smart and did I want to know what others said about me?  I was hurt to say the least, I couldn't believe that someone was that jealous and could be that horrible to someone.  I could only imagine how she abused others around her, and I was a stranger!  I stayed fairly silent.  

2) 2 Manuals - There are two books I recommend for all of us to read:  Larry King - How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere as well as Office Politics by R Don Steele.  It is how to conduct yourself with others in the office as well as your personal life.  This will help you be friendly and yet keep walls up between you and others, and people will do what they love to do best : leave a conversation satisfied because they got to do what they love to do most - talk about themselves - and you remain a mystery.

How to solve your problem with this guy?  You could tell him that you'd like to get a word or two in, and it's not necessary for him to talk about himself all the time.  Some people need a kick in the butt rather than an all out attack.

Thanks for the book suggestions. It wasn't directed at me but I wouldn't mind reading those books. OP, I'm getting help from your thread. :)

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 9/7/2020 at 11:55 AM, bobjon said:

OP, listen, I am going to throw you a bone here.  I AM that engineering type and an INTJ personality.  I think most of the responses about are likely inaccurate and are products of other personality types.  True, some people really do have narc behaviors but our personality is such that we absorb a LOT of information, and it can sometimes seem like a puke fest of information out of our mouth.  

It is NOT intentional and sometimes we just can't see it!  We just need a little redirect at times, and if he is like me, he will immediately reprogram and start making 'reciprocal convo' part of his thinking process.  If he is into you, he will change this behavior and quickly!  Our brains are do something that may seem ruthless to others, but it is pure logic to us, and that is harness the useful information, and dispatch useless information.  It is in fact a character flaw that some will refuse to deal with but I know WAY more women that appreciate my intelligence and way of thinking, than those that are put off by it.  Here is a question to test these waters.  Does he talk about useful thinks, devices, maybe the best cell phones and why?  Or would he actual gab like a school girl about what I would consider useless topics such as what color of shoes are in style?  We can adapt but I mention this because engineer types are NOT for everyone.  

What would I do?  Restructure with very direct communication.  "So, are you going to ask me about my weekend?" or "This is when you ask me about how MY weekend was?"  or "I'd like to tell you more about me and my weekend".....  I do also like your idea of forming jokes around this.  Humor is my middle name so that would be a language for me.  If he is good with joking around (I find not many engineers are), he should be able to solve the riddle.  I just would not jump ship until you have made it clear to him what your issues are because our type is NOT typical and what might offend most, actually helps us.  

And I will just be very honest with you here, at least with me, I tend to dispatch certain people's stories once I realize there probably won't be anything of particular interest or use.  It could be that he really does like you a LOT, but you may not have the intellect he is looking for so he sort of drives the convo.  I am not trying to insult there, just being direct, as usual.  

Just as an example, I went on a date a couple days ago, and the woman made comment that I was not looking at her.  I immediately changed stance and explained why, which was that I am a very vigilant person, my head is on a swivel, and we were in an area with a lot going on.  For instance a homeless guy on a bike was getting in a dumpster so I track those people with a cop like mentality.  She understood, but I also refocused my brain more to her.  It was my error.  

I am reposting the above for emphasis.  Many valid points were made, which a I agree with!

Like I often say things are not always what they appear to be, nor are they as black and white as some of the responses.  

I've used bobjon's examples and it worked like a charm with men who were, for lack of a better word - clueless when it came to communicating.  

If you still like him, instead of the snark, try bobjon's examples.  

At this point, you don't have much invested so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  

 

Edited by poppyfields
bobjon Established Member

bobjon

Posted
Posted
Just now, poppyfields said:

I am reposting the above for emphasis.  Many valid points were made, which a I agree with!

Like I often say things are not always what they appear to be, nor are they as black and white as some of the responses.  

I've used bobjon's examples and it worked like a charm with men who were, for lack of a better word - clueless when it came to communicating.  

If you still like him, instead of the snark, try bobjon's examples.  

At this point, you don't have much invested so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  

 

I appreciate the affirmation, but let's just remember I am still and a**h*** on this site.  

I am curious what happened with the dudes that were clueless?  Was this right out of the box, or did it continue?  

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry to hear that. Blind dates and set ups are awkward for this reason. You try to make it work.

You are simply incompatible. He talks too much, you're not that interested in what he has to say and can't wait for him to stop so you can start talking.

It may be nervous chatter but you're taking it so personally that you are upset and want to retaliate with rude snark.

Two talkers and no good listeners is incompatible. Just do yourself and the guy a favor and bow out gracefully.

Edited by Wiseman2
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caputo77 Member

caputo77

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone for the advice! I did refrain from making the snarky comment and instead found a way to organically mention to him that I like being asked questions. Since then I have noticed our text conversations got a bit more balanced, and it was good to see he heard me and finds it worth putting in the effort. 

I'm really torn...I think I just don't have enough information about him yet to tell if he's narcissistic, clueless, or just nervous. The first two I don't have much patience for, the last I can deal with. I think I need to go out with him again with all of your input in mind to determine if he's worth dating at all. I think it's worth trying some of your strategies first before kicking him to the curb completely, since there are some aspects about him I find very appealing (physical appearance is one but there are others too like his intelligence, value system, similar hobbies, etc.). 

That being said, I'm drawing back my effort level and letting him lead. If he chooses to ask me out again, so be it and I'll give it another go. If not, oh well. 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, bobjon said:

I appreciate the affirmation, but let's just remember I am still and a**h*** on this site.  

I am curious what happened with the dudes that were clueless?  Was this right out of the box, or did it continue?  

One example was my long terrm ex who I speak about sometimes. He was (still is) an engineer (like you?).

He had tons of confidence, even brashness, but when we first started dating, he couldn't look directly at me when talking! 

Having sex, making love, he had no problem looking directly at me, into my eyes, but not when talking!  

I finally asked him in my sort of cute girlish way, lol if he would look at me; one night I recall taking his face in my hands and turning his head towards me!

After that, he began making an effort to look at me when talking.

He also never or very rarely asked me questions, like the OP's guy.

I didn't take it personally, somehow I just knew he was a bit clueless about it.  So I used some of the same things you suggested like saying in a cute, playful way "this is the part where you ask me about MY weekend"? 🤣. 

Sometines after he wound share about himself, I'd say " ok my turn" and start sharing.  When he interrupted (which was often in the beginning) I'd assertively say "May I finish please"??  Lol

Not in an angry way, but in a playful way and he eventually "got it."

On the other hand, I dated a doctor who was so cerebral, the man barely talked at all, let alone asked me questions. 

Our physical attraction was off the charts though, so I stayed hoping he would open up.

He never did and I eventually dumped him.  He cried like a baby, which still haunts me to this day.  it was only then I knew how much he cared.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted
11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I am reposting the above for emphasis.  Many valid points were made, which a I agree with!

Like I often say things are not always what they appear to be, nor are they as black and white as some of the responses.  

I've used bobjon's examples and it worked like a charm with men who were, for lack of a better word - clueless when it came to communicating.  

If you still like him, instead of the snark, try bobjon's examples.  

At this point, you don't have much invested so you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  

 

 

Unfortunately l used all of that type of stuff and then some with my ex but unfortunately she just was who she was, me ,me.

But def' , have known people that are generally good natured/hearted  but they just aren't aware of this habit they have and yeah they can change with some gentle nudging.

 

 

 

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, chillii said:

Unfortunately l used all of that type of stuff and then some with my ex but unfortunately she just was who she was, me ,me.

But def' , have known people that are generally good natured/hearted  but they just aren't aware of this habit they have and yeah they can change with some gentle nudging.

 

chili, I read some posts when you were dating her, is she the one who you suspected of having Borderline Disorder?

If so, yeah they're difficult. I was happy to hear you left that situation, to me the way she treated you sounded abusive. 

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
Quote

I'm drawing back my effort level and letting him lead. If he chooses to ask me out again, so be it and I'll give it another go. If not, oh well. 

As long as he's not asking one question about you and thinking he's done his conversational duty and goes back to me me me.

Edited by kendahke
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