Feeling Humiliated and Rejected. What's happened here?

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

This is an interesting perspective and i'll definitely process and think about it.   From my perspective though, i have a pretty normal distaste for rejection and enduring it repeatedly date after date was also not great for my spirit.  I would plead with him to communicate with me and explain why i feel so confused and how i leave each date thinking "wtf just happened' at the end.. he didn't even kiss me' (when he would build it up on the phone/text beforehand only to give me coldness in person).    You start to go quietly crazy.. 'was it my outfit choice' .. 'did he notice that spot on my cheek' 'did my breath smell after our italian' ..     Once i told him i felt sad and rejected and told me 'im stressed with work.. stop over-analyzing'.   He would call me  'high maintenance' when i wanted to talk to him about these things.   

I couldn't help but think his need to protect himself continually overrode any compassion he had for me and my need to be reassured in those few moments i exposed myself to him.   .   Still .. i want to think about what you said because perhaps i am underestimating just our debilitating his fear of rejection was. 

Yep I got called high maintenance too over the past 6 weeks, numerous of times. Simply because I expressed my concern about the distance between us. He also told me over the weekend to “relax” and “go to sleep”. 
 

Very dismissive. 
 

My biggest regret is that I didn’t leave Saturday morning after I spent the night alone. 
 

However, I’ve got to accept that there’s nothing I can do now to change what happened this weekend but you live and learn 

[beentheredonethat77]

@calmandfocused ... "Dismissive" .. good description.. and same here.   Yep, its crazy making -- i was told to "calm it down" .. when i was cool as a cucumber .. .  Fortunately i had good support system to remind me that im not emotionally high maintenance...quite the opposite.     Ive been told im too independent / not needy enough as i enjoy a lot of time alone.    That said, after i spend an afternoon getting glammed up for a date and try to look my best and he barely looks at me.. i started to question my every flaw.  Not healthy.

The erosion of my self-esteem over those months was just not something i was willing to continue.  I was *so* physically attracted to him and admired him deeply for his achievements.. but ultimately, i was ready and willing to walk.  Which is when he put himself out there.  

But after months of ending dates being sent off with a hug.   Its when i would ask him the next day if we could talk about it .. he'd say 'ugh.. we're going to spend the morning analyzing the evening? .. " --- and then go quiet on text.   For me -- i couldn't get over that treatment when he eventually did come around, it was just too little too late.  

Oh another thing, he would gently neg me too.. 'laughingly' point out things like my hair needing a color or nail polish chip.  His attention to detail with flaws was spot on - yet compliments were like pulling teeth.   He told me he had OCD and little things bother him.  It just put me on edge all the time.   

Hes a different guy now, he has said on a number of occasions he wishes i'd re-consider and give him a chance now that i know how he truly feels and that he was just full of fear and doubt and hes sorry if he acted in a confusing manner... .. but like i said, too late.   

 

Edited September 7, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Calmandfocused]

2 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

@calmandfocused ... "Dismissive" .. good description.. and same here.   Yep, its crazy making -- i was told to "calm it down" .. when i was cool as a cucumber .. .  Fortunately i had good support system to remind me that im not emotionally high maintenance...quite the opposite.     Ive been told im too independent / not needy enough as i enjoy a lot of time alone.    That said, after i spend an afternoon getting glammed up for a date and try to look my best and he barely looks at me.. i started to question my every flaw.  Not healthy.

The erosion of my self-esteem over those months was just not something i was willing to continue.  I was *so* physically attracted to him and admired him deeply for his achievements.. but ultimately, i was ready and willing to walk.  Which is when he put himself out there.  

But after months of ending dates being sent off with a hug.   Its when i would ask him the next day if we could talk about it .. he'd say 'ugh.. we're going to spend the morning analyzing the evening? .. " --- and then go quiet on text.   For me -- i couldn't get over that treatment when he eventually did come around, it was just too little too late.  

Oh another thing, he would gently neg me too.. 'laughingly' point out things like my hair needing a color or nail polish chip.  His attention to detail with flaws was spot on - yet compliments were like pulling teeth.   He told me he had OCD and little things bother him.  It just put me on edge all the time.   

Hes a different guy now, he has said on a number of occasions he wishes i'd re-consider and give him a chance now that i know how he truly feels and that he was just full of fear and doubt and hes sorry if he acted in a confusing manner... .. but like i said, too late.   

 

BTDT, you have the patience of a saint. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Can I ask: How did you endure that for 9 months and why did you put up with it? 
 

So he didn’t even kiss you? That’s so rejecting, I can only imagine how horrible  you felt. 
 

I’ve found it excruciating for 6 weeks, never mind 9 months. Maybe it’s the same guy . 
 

Yep no compliments at all. These only came out when I questioned how he felt about me. 
 

I sense that you’re grateful he finally opened up about his feelings but that doesn’t make how he treated you ok. Your feelings mattered too! To indicate that you were “wrong” or “high maintenance” just for feeling how you felt (justifiably IMO) , was devaluing you. And that’s exactly how I feel now. 

[smackie9]

I wouldn't have gone past the first date with this guy if there is no flirting, friendly banter, sexual build up/tension.....I'm tappin out. As I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Who cares what is up with this guy, after 6 weeks of wasting your time...just kick him to the curb and be done with it.

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, endlessabyss said:

Life is abusive, so he is justified.  Who are you to judge his experiences? 

Sounds like now you're trying to rationalize or convince yourself you don't like him anymore when it really sounds like you're in love with him.

Hopefully you stop digging your hole with this guy.  It sounds like he has been through a lot in his life. 

Since you have so much self perceived worth and value you shouldn't have any problems with another suitor.

Don't slag (criticize) the OP for being confused and upset. She gave this guy a chance for 6 weeks where most women like myself wouldn't make it past the first date... in reality this guy needs to sort himself out because it's pretty obvious he is not ready to date. He needs to fix his baggage as to not bring it into the next relationship.

[beentheredonethat77]

@calmandfocused .. patient of a saint or just blind stupidity .. not sure which :).  I am relieved he put himself out there (if purely to solve the mystery) .. and i did find myself feeling compassionate when he finally did, but damage was done and he had to accept that.    I did learn an enormous amount though, especially about myself and my priorities when dating -- (and patterns --- my past gravitational pull to the handsome, standoffish 'mysterious' men who i thought i could unravel and help... mistake).

 I am dating someone now (very new) who is 180 from my usual type.. and we're really connecting well, hes attractive but accessible... we'll see, early days but im excited .. and not because im being thrown a bread crumb every few days:). I used to feast on one breadcrumb for days.. 

As far as the 9 month ex guy..  I dont really believe in regrets.. there is something to be learned from every experience.. im sure he learned a lot too.     You're smarter than me though -- cutting it off now! Good for you. 

[DCGurly]

19 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Thanks again for your detailed reply LGO. 

We did go out to dinner. It was awful! The food was awful and he was cold and distant with me then too. But I coped with it by chatting and asking him lots of questions but the vibe just felt ... off. I was dressed up really nice (according to my neighbour) but unfortunately my date just didn’t/ couldn’t see me . 
 

I assure you this has never happened to me before. Yes of course I’ve had experience of going on one or two dates with someone and it ending due to chemistry not being there but ... I have never spent this amount of time with someone who pretended to like me. It’s that what confuses me. There were numerous time’s he could have opted out prior to this weekend. 
 

I keep thinking about the sex experience. I don’t know why I agreed. Maybe as you said, I was hoping this would break through the ice cold barrier. It didn’t. It just made me feel awful/ horrible like you say. 
 

I think you make a very good point about how physically attracted I was to him. I was at first but his cold fish behaviour was not attractive to me in the slightest. By the time this morning came about I wouldn’t have touched him if he was the last man on Earth. I was relived to get away. 
 

Nevertheless the rejection hurts. And I feel upset that he strung me along when he could have just been honest from the start. 
 

 

I’m sorry this happened.. 

[SumGuy]

15 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yep I got called high maintenance too over the past 6 weeks, numerous of times. Simply because I expressed my concern about the distance between us. He also told me over the weekend to “relax” and “go to sleep”. 
 

Very dismissive. 
 

My biggest regret is that I didn’t leave Saturday morning after I spent the night alone. 
 

However, I’ve got to accept that there’s nothing I can do now to change what happened this weekend but you live and learn 

Wow! hate to say he sounds like a nightmare...and this the honeymoon phase.    Somehow not surprised that this self proclaimed "gentleman" is dismissive.  

There is a happy medium in men that don't frog march you into bed after shaking your hand and this guy.

Glad you got out.  You can always feel good you really did give him a chance after that Friday night. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

To be honest, he seems very "off." I'd be doing the slow fade.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ditto CaliforniaGirl, this guy sounds very off!

[Calmandfocused]

Thanks everyone, your replies have certainly made me feel better, and now it’s a couple of days later I’m starting to feel a bit better. 
 

But I do still feel very disappointed in myself. And embarrassed and humiliated. The more I think about it, the more I realise how wrong it all was. I don’t know what I was thinking staying with him all weekend when the first hour was awful. I should have got out of there ASAP. 

I realise also that I should have trusted my intuition and cancelled the weekend before it even happened. That’s what my senses were telling me to do and I ignored my instincts. I will pay better attention in the future.  

The memories of this weekend are just awful. I would have had a better time on my own watching  back to back property programmes. It certainly would have been more fun . 
 

But I have learnt a good lesson from this. And I need to forgive myself for making a bad choice and move on. 
 

[Calmandfocused]

17 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

@calmandfocused .. patient of a saint or just blind stupidity .. not sure which :).  I am relieved he put himself out there (if purely to solve the mystery) .. and i did find myself feeling compassionate when he finally did, but damage was done and he had to accept that.    I did learn an enormous amount though, especially about myself and my priorities when dating -- (and patterns --- my past gravitational pull to the handsome, standoffish 'mysterious' men who i thought i could unravel and help... mistake).

 I am dating someone now (very new) who is 180 from my usual type.. and we're really connecting well, hes attractive but accessible... we'll see, early days but im excited .. and not because im being thrown a bread crumb every few days:). I used to feast on one breadcrumb for days.. 

As far as the 9 month ex guy..  I dont really believe in regrets.. there is something to be learned from every experience.. im sure he learned a lot too.     You're smarter than me though -- cutting it off now! Good for you. 

I am so pleased to hear that you moved onto someone who is giving you the attention you deserve. 
 

Thanks so much for telling me your story. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one whose had this experience. 

[elaine567]

I think for some there is the sense that somehow this person can be "saved" and turned into a normal human being and that "I did it, I saved him,  and I now feel great." 
I think the same sentiment applies to those who are willing to spend months taming feral animals, or  working with the homeless or saving those who who are addicted...  
It is all about doing one's best to save the afflicted... the more "impossible", the greater the perceived reward will be...
BUT this is dating, this is a relationship, this is something that is core to your being.
Having an  individual that needs "saved" in your life, will eat up all your resources with possible little long term benefit to you, in fact it will most likely be a net loss.                                                                                    

[salparadise]

On 9/6/2020 at 1:26 AM, Calmandfocused said:

I’m used to men being all over me very quickly. This guy didn’t kiss me until the 5th date. As I say, totally different.  

Women sure have to sort through a bunch of strange dichotomies... doesn't kiss 'til 5th date, big thumbs up; doesn't try to schtup at 6 weeks, unimaginable. Makes me wonder, how many nice, normal guys have you canned for going for a kiss on the first or second date?

I agree with most that this probably isn't worth saving. I wouldn't. But I do wonder how many times this man has been chewed up and spat out.

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, salparadise said:

how many nice, normal guys have you canned for going for a kiss on the first or second date?

But that is the fault of guys who press for sex too early, and so some women are thus wary.
Wary to the extent perhaps of accepting weirdness as being better than being "pumped and dumped"...
How can one judge a guy as being "nice and normal" when he acts like he is pushing for early sex like all the rest?
 

[salparadise]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How can one judge a guy as being "nice and normal" when he acts like he is pushing for early sex like all the rest?

So going for a kiss after a first or second date... is that pushing for sex, or is that just showing interest? We've had numerous threads by women who were completely flabbergasted and frustrated that a guy didn't kiss her on the first date. They're like WTF, isn't he attracted or interested at all? Expectations are all over the place on this, but most guys (with some experience) have concluded that it's far better to express sexual interest early... lest they fall into a friendzone, and to prevent precisely the situation in which OP found herself, that of having invested way too much time and emotion only to come up empty. 

That's my philosophy now too, after having had a similar experience with the genders reversed. The whole "friends first" mentality is not conducive to successful dating and new relationships. Better to err on the assertive side.

[Calmandfocused]

30 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Women sure have to sort through a bunch of strange dichotomies... doesn't kiss 'til 5th date, big thumbs up; doesn't try to schtup at 6 weeks, unimaginable. Makes me wonder, how many nice, normal guys have you canned for going for a kiss on the first or second date?

I agree with most that this probably isn't worth saving. I wouldn't. But I do wonder how many times this man has been chewed up and spat out.

I’ve got no aversion to kissing on the second (or even first) date if the situation feels right. It wouldn’t put me off a man. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever not kissed a man by the second date . It’s shows chemistry and attraction right? 
 

Foolishly I accepted this guy’s desire to take it slow as I thought that this demonstrated respect for me. But obviously not!  What it demonstrated was an aversion and a disinterest, either to me or women/ dating in general. 
 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

So going for a kiss after a first or second date... is that pushing for sex, or is that just showing interest?

In my book it is showing interest if there are enough signs from the woman that she genuinely wants to go there. 
the friendzone happens when there is no sexual/romantic attraction and that is not necessarily dependent on whether a man shows "interest" or not.
Here he showed little sexual/romantic  interest but there was enough attraction there on her part for the OP to take a chance anyway.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Something close to this happened to me many years ago. I realized later that he was still reeling from his divorce, and basically just wanted friendly companionship and a warm body to sleep next to in a platonic way. 

Clearly, your needs aren’t being met. It’s time to put a period on this and move on.
 

 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

But I have learnt a good lesson from this. And I need to forgive myself for making a bad choice and move on. 

That's a great attitude.

Life is a journey, and every experience, good/bad, positive/negative is a life lesson, as it shapes us and allows us to learn, grow, evolve.

No regrets, okay?  The takeaway is this was a powerful learning experience, you are now smarter and more aware, all of which is a positive! 

Edited September 8, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Guys who claim to be "nice/a gentleman" can be total a holes.

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Guys who claim to be "nice/a gentleman" can be total a holes.

Agree.

There is no point in claiming to be [anything].  Either you are or you aren't, and it's actions, not words, that reveal the truth.

Edited September 8, 2020 by introverted1

[kismetkismet]

Sounds like you overcorrected, unfortunately! When you get out of a couple of bad relationships you usually try to identify a pattern in them that you should avoid.. Unfortunately the opposite of that specific behaviour is often too extreme on the other side of things. But don't worry, the overcorrection will just help you to establish other boundaries of healthy/desirable behaviour. 

I've done this myself - I dated multiple manipulative love bombers in a row, so when I met someone that was taking things verrry slow emotionally, I thought it was healthy. Turns out he was actually just emotionally unavailable with an avoidant attachment style . But dating him helped me better recognize a healthy balance between the two. 

[Lotsgoingon]

There is a difference between going slow ... and not flirting at all, not touching at all.  Lots of people go slow by holding hands and then kissing.  I remember dating where the kissing went on for weeks and to tell you the truth, it was a blast.

This guy did none of this for Calmandfocused. He was in his own "friend zone," as the young people would say. Acting like a friend is one thing. Going slow is another. 

[kendahke]

On 9/7/2020 at 2:30 AM, Dork Vader said:

I will try and sleep in the same bed for a few hours before I leave. 

This is the difference between your story and OP's (whom this thread is about) that the universe can fit through:

On 9/6/2020 at 1:26 AM, Calmandfocused said:

He spent the first night sleeping in a different room.

He’s spent the second night in my bed but the opposite side as far away from me as possible . No kisses no cuddles, no nothing.

Not even in the same universe, let alone ball park.

 

Edited September 9, 2020 by kendahke