Feeling Humiliated and Rejected. What's happened here?

[Calmandfocused]

I’d really appreciate it if the loveshackers here could help me make sense of this if you would please. I’m just so confused and feel really upset right now. 
 

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 6 weeks now. On paper he seems to be everything I could want - respectful, kind, generous... accepting of me and the fact I have 2 young children (he doesn’t)...... you get the picture. I therefore was pleasantly surprised to meet someone who from the offset was quite different from any predecessor. To give you an example: I’m used to men being all over me very quickly. This guy didn’t kiss me until the 5th date. As I say, totally different.  
 

However: 

The flip side of all of this is that there has been nagging sense that he simply isn’t into me. He doesn’t flirt with me, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t look at me and he certainly doesn’t come onto me. I’ve addressed this with him a few times, asking if he just sees me as a friend. His response is basically that he does really  like me, is attracted to me etc  but likes to be “gentleman” about these things. Ok! ... so I decide to continue....

Fast forward to this weekend. So I agree to stay at his for the entire weekend so we can spend some quality time together just me and him. 
 

Right now I’m sitting in his kitchen feeling rejected, upset and very disappointed. I’ve been here since Friday night. He’s still asleep. My instinct is to just gather my stuff and leave. 
 

He spent the first night sleeping in a different room. He’s spent the second night in my bed but the opposite side as far away from me as possible . No kisses no cuddles, no nothing.

He’s passionately kissed me once and we had sex yesterday once morning after I told him that I didn’t understand what I was doing at his house as I (again) specified that I think he doesn’t like me in that way - I was pretty upset at the time. I felt he had sex with me only because I raised how cold he was being to me: not because he really desires me. 

Please help me to understand what’s going on here please. He seems so keen to want to see me, talk to me but he just doesn’t seem to want to be expressive or affectionate to me in any way. 
 

He referred to me as his “new girlfriend” last night. WTF? This behaviour is so alien to me: I really could do with your advice and help me understand this. 
 

Thank you 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said:

However: 

The flip side of all of this is that there has been nagging sense that he simply isn’t into me. He doesn’t flirt with me, he doesn’t touch me, he doesn’t look at me and he certainly doesn’t come onto me. I’ve addressed this with him a few times, asking if he just sees me as a friend. His response is basically that he does really  like me, is attracted to me etc  but likes to be “gentleman” about these things. Ok! ... so I decide to continue...

 

I can feel the pain and awkwardness--I've been there. But the truth is this is an easy one. You answer the question above. Anytime you're with someone for six weeks and you have a "nagging" sense that he's not into you ...then he's not into you!

Doesn't touch, doesn't flirt. Game over right there. Game over.

Here's where you stumbled ... again, this is an easy way to stumble. You naively asked him if he's interested in you. If you have to ask, the answer is 99 percent of the time, no, he's not interested in you. So this is your chance to advance your game here. Don't ask a liar if he's telling the truth. Don't ask someone who's hanging around and showing no real interest if they're interested. He clearly thinks you're a good person ... and he must think you're attractive, but that doesn't mean he's attracted to you. 

And here's the slammer: let's say he is really attracted to you. So what?!!!! His actions show clear disinterest. So if he is attracted to you, he's totally socially inept and closed and distant. You got all this information and had it ... you just didn't have the confidence to add up the data to reach your conclusion. If someone cannot make it clear that they like us, RUN. Run far and fast. There is a problem, a disconnect. Run. 

And you made the rookie mistake of escalating ... of thinking, well if I spend the nights with him and have sex with him, then he has to be close. No, no and no. 

This guy is socially out of it. A socially confident and skilled guy would let you know what's going on in his head.

Learn the lesson. I had to learn a lesson like this, multiple times ... women saying amazing things about me and then acting in a way that seemed cold. I, like you, foolished took their words and reassurances seriously ... But later when I thought of it, even the nerdiest, most shy, most stiff and awkward people who liked me were able to make that clear. 

Final point: stay out of a man's head. Stay with your feelings. You don't feel secure, that's your answer. The relationship isn't working for you. You don't need to know exactly "why" you don't feel secure. You don't. So this guy isn't for you. First rule of dating, you get with someone who REALLY likes you and acts like they like you and make it clear they like you, you feel great when with them, you feel valued when with them. Getting a bunch of words about "taking things slow"--that's nonsense. 

Go ... leave ... your instincts are good ... now pay attention. He's not a good guy for you. Go, run. Don't ask him what he's feeling. Go. 

And to directly answer your question what happened was that you ran through a bunch of flaming red flags. You pursued a guy who showed no interest. (Words without actions are not indicators of interest.) You  put yourself in the most vulnerable position with someone who had showed no interest. Again, words about going slow ... or being a gentleman--that's all b.s. So that's what happened. 

Sorry for the pain and disappointment. It really sucks to be with someone who is cold and distant.  

 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't continue dating him, honestly. Invites me to stay over and then sleeps in another room? 

He is free to move however slowly he likes, but he would not be a match for me. He sounds either very socially awkward, very inexperienced, not into you (or maybe women in general?, or has some sort of bad experience in his past that leads him to distance himself from intimacy of any kind. Whatever the case, physical chemistry and sexual compatibility are important and in this case, it's just about non-existent. 

I would tell him it's just not working for me and respectfully part ways and spend the rest of my weekend doing something I enjoy. 

[Mystery4u]

It's very very simple. You are not compatible.

Nothing wrong with that, it's why we date. As you have found you need someone who is very affectionate, initiates physical activity and shows his feelings. He is the opposite.

Stop wasting any more time with him. Find someone who matches your expectations.

[Calmandfocused]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I can feel the pain and awkwardness--I've been there. But the truth is this is an easy one. You answer the question above. Anytime you're with someone for six weeks and you have a "nagging" sense that he's not into you ...then he's not into you!

Doesn't touch, doesn't flirt. Game over right there. Game over.

Here's where you stumbled ... again, this is an easy way to stumble. You naively asked him if he's interested in you. If you have to ask, the answer is 99 percent of the time, no, he's not interested in you. So this is your chance to advance your game here. Don't ask a liar if he's telling the truth. Don't ask someone who's hanging around and showing no real interest if they're interested. He clearly thinks you're a good person ... and he must think you're attractive, but that doesn't mean he's attracted to you. 

And here's the slammer: let's say he is really attracted to you. So what?!!!! His actions show clear disinterest. So if he is attracted to you, he's totally socially inept and closed and distant. You got all this information and had it ... you just didn't have the confidence to add up the data to reach your conclusion. If someone cannot make it clear that they like us, RUN. Run far and fast. There is a problem, a disconnect. Run. 

And you made the rookie mistake of escalating ... of thinking, well if I spend the nights with him and have sex with him, then he has to be close. No, no and no. 

This guy is socially out of it. A socially confident and skilled guy would let you know what's going on in his head.

Learn the lesson. I had to learn a lesson like this, multiple times ... women saying amazing things about me and then acting in a way that seemed cold. I, like you, foolished took their words and reassurances seriously ... But later when I thought of it, even the nerdiest, most shy, most stiff and awkward people who liked me were able to make that clear. 

Final point: stay out of a man's head. Stay with your feelings. You don't feel secure, that's your answer. The relationship isn't working for you. You don't need to know exactly "why" you don't feel secure. You don't. So this guy isn't for you. First rule of dating, you get with someone who REALLY likes you and acts like they like you and make it clear they like you, you feel great when with them, you feel valued when with them. Getting a bunch of words about "taking things slow"--that's nonsense. 

Go ... leave ... your instincts are good ... now pay attention. He's not a good guy for you. Go, run. Don't ask him what he's feeling. Go. 

And to directly answer your question what happened was that you ran through a bunch of flaming red flags. You pursued a guy who showed no interest. (Words without actions are not indicators of interest.) You  put yourself in the most vulnerable position with someone who had showed no interest. Again, words about going slow ... or being a gentleman--that's all b.s. So that's what happened. 

Sorry for the pain and disappointment. It really sucks to be with someone who is cold and distant.  

 

Thank you so much for this really detailed response. I agree with everything and it’s reassuring to know that someone else has gone through exactly this situation. It’s so bizarre to say the least. 
 

The irony is that he acts like he does really like me : as a friend. I would have accepted friendship (no problem) but he was the one who then decided he wanted to spend a weekend with me. Why? 
 

We had sex on Saturday morning when I got up (alone) and I said to him that I didn’t know what I was doing there and that I should leave. He was the one who then instigated us to go upstairs and “cuddle”. As soon as it was over it was back to being awkward and distant. I wish it hadn’t happened but not much I can do about it now. 
 

He woke shortly after I posted this. I didn’t address it again. I was friendly but I got dressed quickly (he didn’t look at me at all) , made my excuses and left. 
 

I’ve been in tears about it since I’ve got home: I was so preoccupied with him not showing any abusive/ narcissistic tendencies that I didn’t pay attention to the fact that he doesn’t see my value and my worth. I gave my body to someone who didn’t deserve it and who was cold and distant with me, and now I feel terrible

 

 

[Calmandfocused]

39 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't continue dating him, honestly. Invites me to stay over and then sleeps in another room? 

He is free to move however slowly he likes, but he would not be a match for me. He sounds either very socially awkward, very inexperienced, not into you (or maybe women in general?, or has some sort of bad experience in his past that leads him to distance himself from intimacy of any kind. Whatever the case, physical chemistry and sexual compatibility are important and in this case, it's just about non-existent. 

I would tell him it's just not working for me and respectfully part ways and spend the rest of my weekend doing something I enjoy. 

Yes he does have a lot of bad relationship experiences that has resulted in him feeling “disillusioned” and “not caring”. Probably explains it to a T. 
 

The whole thing is just so odd. In my 41 years I’ve never experienced this. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I know this gets bandied about a lot and I don't mean to minimize the experiences of those afflicted, but do you suppose there's any chance he is on the spectrum somewhere?

The lack of eye contact and general avoidance makes me wonder if there's something more underlying his peculiar behaviour with you. 

[Wiseman2]

Don't date cold fish. It's not about you. You need to cut your losses. You're not compatible and dating 6weeks is enough time to know that.

As an aside dating from the perspective of "not like my ex" will steer you off course.

Also as a single parent be cognizant of men who " accept your kids" but come across as asexual.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is the first time this has happened to you? ... hmmmm ... if I had an hour, I could talk to you and I would bet for sure that this has happened to you before. You most likely have pushed forward despite mediocre interest from the other person. This was an extreme example of disinterest, but for you to be this blind with this kind of coldness and distance, you had to have some blindness software in house--most likely to a lesser degree, but still same behavior.

You write up the sex encounter giving away your power and agency. So what that he made the move for sex?! So what?! You were feeling horrible. You want to say no. Sex doesn't provide emotional security or attachment or warmth or resolve relationship problems. You might have done better to go out and eat a meal together. Eating a meal has a higher chance of fostering an emotional connection than sex and is far less risky, physically and emotionally.

If you felt like this guy was a friend, keep it there. For friendship to evolve to romance, things just have to naturally shift and the shift is profound, visceral. People (and I include You myself in this group) sometimes think that they can decide to be more than friends, intellectually just will it. In the cases I know that moved beyond a friendship, the feeling just distinctly changed, the communication changed, the energy changed and shifted ... without any forcing or willing or conscious decision. Sure, people thought about the fact that their feelings had changed but things changed organically, like people find themselves suddenly lusting and daydreaming about this person who until now they considered a friend.

You don't go get involved with someone just because THEY express an interest. I cannot tell if you had a genuine romantic interest. Doesn't seem like you did ... but you just jumped out of your own feelings and reality--a friend of mine would say you disconnected from your body-- and acted as if you had romantic interest simply because HE said (not acted like) he had an interest. That's a loser game. You pursue romance because YOU are interested in romance----not just because some random person says they have an interest in you. 

Again, sorry for the pain. You'll get over this and apply this to future relationships. 

[d0nnivain]

This relationship isn't working for you.  Save yourself the headache & go find a man who makes you feel amazing who meets your needs.  

[ShyViolet]

You should definitely break up with this guy.  I don't know what his issue is... maybe he had really bad experiences with intimacy in his past so now he has some sort of aversion to it, maybe he's just a naturally cold person.  The way he is acting is super weird, and no it's not because he's "being a gentleman."    That doesn't even make sense.  He is clearly not able to give you what you want and this relationship is just making you unhappy.  Stop wasting your time with this guy.

[Calmandfocused]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

This is the first time this has happened to you? ... hmmmm ... if I had an hour, I could talk to you and I would bet for sure that this has happened to you before. You most likely have pushed forward despite mediocre interest from the other person. This was an extreme example of disinterest, but for you to be this blind with this kind of coldness and distance, you had to have some blindness software in house--most likely to a lesser degree, but still same behavior.

You write up the sex encounter giving away your power and agency. So what that he made the move for sex?! So what?! You were feeling horrible. You want to say no. Sex doesn't provide emotional security or attachment or warmth or resolve relationship problems. You might have done better to go out and eat a meal together. Eating a meal has a higher chance of fostering an emotional connection than sex and is far less risky, physically and emotionally.

If you felt like this guy was a friend, keep it there. For friendship to evolve to romance, things just have to naturally shift and the shift is profound, visceral. People (and I include You myself in this group) sometimes think that they can decide to be more than friends, intellectually just will it. In the cases I know that moved beyond a friendship, the feeling just distinctly changed, the communication changed, the energy changed and shifted ... without any forcing or willing or conscious decision. Sure, people thought about the fact that their feelings had changed but things changed organically, like people find themselves suddenly lusting and daydreaming about this person who until now they considered a friend.

You don't go get involved with someone just because THEY express an interest. I cannot tell if you had a genuine romantic interest. Doesn't seem like you did ... but you just jumped out of your own feelings and reality--a friend of mine would say you disconnected from your body-- and acted as if you had romantic interest simply because HE said (not acted like) he had an interest. That's a loser game. You pursue romance because YOU are interested in romance----not just because some random person says they have an interest in you. 

Again, sorry for the pain. You'll get over this and apply this to future relationships. 

Thanks again for your detailed reply LGO. 

We did go out to dinner. It was awful! The food was awful and he was cold and distant with me then too. But I coped with it by chatting and asking him lots of questions but the vibe just felt ... off. I was dressed up really nice (according to my neighbour) but unfortunately my date just didn’t/ couldn’t see me . 
 

I assure you this has never happened to me before. Yes of course I’ve had experience of going on one or two dates with someone and it ending due to chemistry not being there but ... I have never spent this amount of time with someone who pretended to like me. It’s that what confuses me. There were numerous time’s he could have opted out prior to this weekend. 
 

I keep thinking about the sex experience. I don’t know why I agreed. Maybe as you said, I was hoping this would break through the ice cold barrier. It didn’t. It just made me feel awful/ horrible like you say. 
 

I think you make a very good point about how physically attracted I was to him. I was at first but his cold fish behaviour was not attractive to me in the slightest. By the time this morning came about I wouldn’t have touched him if he was the last man on Earth. I was relived to get away. 
 

Nevertheless the rejection hurts. And I feel upset that he strung me along when he could have just been honest from the start. 
 

 

[Calmandfocused]

40 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You should definitely break up with this guy.  I don't know what his issue is... maybe he had really bad experiences with intimacy in his past so now he has some sort of aversion to it, maybe he's just a naturally cold person.  The way he is acting is super weird, and no it's not because he's "being a gentleman."    That doesn't even make sense.  He is clearly not able to give you what you want and this relationship is just making you unhappy.  Stop wasting your time with this guy.

Yes, I’ve thrashed this out with my friend too. 

He’s been going on and on about exs and even though he’s been single a year,  I’m not sure he’s over his past. He seems to have this very pessimistic view of women and relationships. 

I don’t believe he’s emotionally available and yes, my sense is that intimacy with women is terrifying for him. Nevertheless that doesn’t give him the green light to string me along like he has. 

He also told me some of his general views on life. All very doom and gloom. I sense he’s not the happiest of guys. 
 

 

[endlessabyss]

3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He also told me some of his general views on life. All very doom and gloom. I sense he’s not the happiest of guys. 
 

 

Life is abusive, so he is justified.  Who are you to judge his experiences? 

Sounds like now you're trying to rationalize or convince yourself you don't like him anymore when it really sounds like you're in love with him.

Hopefully you stop digging your hole with this guy.  It sounds like he has been through a lot in his life. 

Since you have so much self perceived worth and value you shouldn't have any problems with another suitor.

[beentheredonethat77]

I have had a very similar experience to yours, so i'll give my input.   I dated a guy for several months, and his lack of physical advances toward me had me absolutely perplexed.   I guess my situation is different in that the very first date he was very flirty but then pulled it way back and seemed like he didn't even look at me during future dates. 

Fast forward to the 9 month timeline and we still hadn't slept together and i was growing tired of it all.   In the end, we had some deep heart to hearts conversations as he could tell i was ready to walk.  I coaxed the truth out of him painstakingly.  - He admitted he was so terribly hurt in previous relationships, the moment he showed his vulnerabilities, was the moment he felt they were exploited by one particular woman but also several others in his past.    He knew he could 'fall' for me and wanted to keep it in control -- problem is, it came across awkward and like rejection.   He told me his attraction for me was strong and didn't want to 'let go' and run with it or he'd lose his composure.  He needed to stay in control at all times and that resulted in pulling back/weird distance and at times actually avoiding even looking at me.     I told him in no uncertain terms that this self-preservation on his part was hurtful and didn't work for me.     I couldn't have patiently worked through it all with him probably.. but by that point i was just over it.   I think i resented being made to feel unwanted for so long.

 Anyway, we got past it and while i very much like this guy i wouldn't date him.   I understood the issue with showing me affection -- however what i learned was this 'red flag' was a sign of more similar red flags -- he was awkward with coping with feelings, period.   His lack of self-awareness while trying to protect himself .. and how he was coming off to me and others extended to all areas of our life and in general i saw a pattern of anxiety and awkwardness.

Edited September 6, 2020 by beentheredonethat77

[Watercolors]

44 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Yes, I’ve thrashed this out with my friend too. 

He’s been going on and on about exs and even though he’s been single a year,  I’m not sure he’s over his past. He seems to have this very pessimistic view of women and relationships. 

I don’t believe he’s emotionally available and yes, my sense is that intimacy with women is terrifying for him. Nevertheless that doesn’t give him the green light to string me along like he has. 

He also told me some of his general views on life. All very doom and gloom. I sense he’s not the happiest of guys. 
 

 

6 weeks -- it's time to end things with him now. You're 41 years old and you're attached to an emotionally unavailable man. I went through this experience at 39 years old and I wasted 2 years of my life trying to get him to connect emotionally with me but he wouldn't. Turns out, he was dating his colleague behind my back and when I discovered their steamy text exchanges (yes, I lowered myself to snoop on his cellphone while he slept), I became furious, woke him up, confronted him with his cellphone. And you know what that coward's response to me was? "Well, you can't stay here tonight. Can you please leave?" He was so detached from me, my feelings weren't important to him. He married her a year later and they moved. I only know this, b/c I found out through our mutual friends when they attended his wedding. 

Seriously, if you stay with someone who is throwing red flags in your face that show you that he's undatable, then anything that happens is on you. I know that sounds super harsh, but I'm trying to spare you wasting years of your life the way that I did on the wrong man. I was so lonely, that I deluded myself from the truth, which I knew all along; that he wasn't interested in committing to me long-term. I just chose to ignore it, until I couldn't ignore it anymore. 

Also, one of my favorite celebs Julia Roberts said this about badly raised men, "Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It's not your job to raise him, parent him, fix him, or change him. You want a partner - not a project." 

Quote

He also told me some of his general views on life. All very doom and gloom. I sense he’s not the happiest of guys. 

That right there is a red flag that he wants you (or any woman) to fix him. Well, that's not your job. That's what a therapist's job is: to fix people. 

You want a partner - not a project. What you have before you at 6 weeks, is a seriously unstable project of a man. He will not change for you. It doesn't matter how many concessions you make, or bribes you offer him. Read this line until it sinks in: He is a project, not a partner. 
 

Edited September 6, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said:

He admitted he was so terribly hurt in previous relationships, the moment he showed his vulnerabilities, was the moment he felt they were exploited by one particular woman but also several others in his past.   

He knew he could 'fall' for me and wanted to keep it in control -- problem is, it came across awkward and like rejection.   He told me his attraction for me was strong and didn't want to 'let go' and run with it or he'd lose his composure.  He needed to stay in control at all times and that resulted in pulling back/weird distance and at times actually avoiding even looking at me.   

What's interesting is that after telling you he's fearful of being vulnerable, he did just that - made himself vulnerable!

Not only by opening up about his fear of being vulnerable, but also telling you he could easily fall for you, that his attraction was strong, which is why he needed to maintain control and emotional distance.  It's fear.

Goodness, a man couldn't have been more vulnerable than that.  A man's fears are difficult to admit to anyone, let alone the woman he is attracted to!

 

Quote

I told him in no uncertain terms that this self-preservation on his part was hurtful and didn't work for me.     I couldn't have patiently worked through it all with him probably.. but by that point i was just over it.   I think i resented being made to feel unwanted for so long.

So after he made himself vulnerable, you rejected him.  I'm not blaming you, you are entitled to your feelings, or lack thereof. 

But for him, it just further proved how making himself vulnerable is a bad thing, as he got rejected for it once again. 

It's sad you couldn't have worked it out.  He trusted you enough to open up, that was a first step.  

Oh well. 

Edited September 7, 2020 by poppyfields

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He spent the first night sleeping in a different room.

Girl, no.  I'd have left in the middle of the night.

I don't care how much of a gentleman he thinks he's being--his behavior is one of someone who is rejecting you. Not a good feeling at all.

Sorry this fell out like this.

[mhar]

I agree with everyone.  Had the same issue with someone.  Asked me out and says we will have fun.  But, nothing.  I saw him this summer and that's when I realized I am not attracted to him either.  He sleeps with multiple women and thrives off of that.  I told him, I never experienced this with any guy.  We always make out and hit the bedroom.

I accepted his disinterest.  But, I also think he could be gay because he likes doing weird things in bed which I am not into.  Things that a gay man likes. He tells me he tries to date women that want that and he is failing. lol.  

Don't worry.  Just move on like I did.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's keep things straight here or this will not be a good learning experience for you.

I have never spent this amount of time with someone who pretended to like me. It’s that what confuses me. There were numerous time’s he could have opted out prior to this weekend. 

This is all wrong--completely and totally wrong. He did NOT pretend  that he liked you. He was distant and cold--he didn't flirt with you and didn't touch you. That's NOT pretending to like someone.  He acted just as he is--distant. YOU mistook his vague words for "acting like he liked you" He did not. That's why this was obvious. He did not treat you like someone he is interested in. 

There was nothing to be confused about ... anymore than being confused that someone that robes you on the street and says "I'm actually a good person." Reply: who cares? You're robbing me--I don't want be around you. This guy's unfitness for intimacy and a relationship--even a flirty noncomitted relationship was obvious from the git-go. Imaging I'm walking you to my seven-year-old Toyota, and I I tell you I'm a billionaire. You gonna believe me? Telling you I'm a billionaire is not the same as acting like a real billionaire. 

[beentheredonethat77]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

What's interesting is that after telling you he's fearful of being vulnerable, he did just that - made himself vulnerable!

Not only by opening up about his fear of being vulnerable, but also telling you he could easily fall for you, that his attraction was strong, which is why he needed to maintain control and emotional distance.  It's fear.

Goodness, a man couldn't have been more vulnerable than that.  A man's fears are difficult to admit to anyone, let alone the woman he is attracted to!

 

So after he made himself vulnerable, you rejected him.  I'm not blaming you, you are entitled to your feelings, or lack thereof. 

But for him, it just further proved how making himself vulnerable is a bad thing, as he got rejected for it once again. 

It's sad you couldn't have worked it out.  He trusted you enough to open up, that was a first step.  

Oh well. 

This is an interesting perspective and i'll definitely process and think about it.   From my perspective though, i have a pretty normal distaste for rejection and enduring it repeatedly date after date was also not great for my spirit.  I would plead with him to communicate with me and explain why i feel so confused and how i leave each date thinking "wtf just happened' at the end.. he didn't even kiss me' (when he would build it up on the phone/text beforehand only to give me coldness in person).    You start to go quietly crazy.. 'was it my outfit choice' .. 'did he notice that spot on my cheek' 'did my breath smell after our italian' ..     Once i told him i felt sad and rejected and told me 'im stressed with work.. stop over-analyzing'.   He would call me  'high maintenance' when i wanted to talk to him about these things.   

I couldn't help but think his need to protect himself continually overrode any compassion he had for me and my need to be reassured in those few moments i exposed myself to him.   .   Still .. i want to think about what you said because perhaps i am underestimating just our debilitating his fear of rejection was. 

[Dork Vader]

wooops

Edited September 7, 2020 by Dork Vader

[Dork Vader]

5 hours ago, kendahke said:

Girl, no.  I'd have left in the middle of the night.

I don't care how much of a gentleman he thinks he's being--his behavior is one of someone who is rejecting you. Not a good feeling at all.

Sorry this fell out like this.

Not true, I have had periods in which I was single for years and never shared a bed with anyone. When I finally start seeing someone again and we try and share a bed, it is extremely difficult for me to sleep. So I will try and sleep in the same bed for a few hours before I leave. Then I go to the sofa or if we are at my house, my spare bedroom. It can take me a few weeks to a month or two to adjust to sharing a bed. Cuddling is a no go, I'll cuddle for a bit when we first get in bed that is it. It is no reflection of my interest in them. I just can't sleep while cuddling.

Edited September 7, 2020 by Dork Vader

[chillii]

23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I can feel the pain and awkwardness--I've been there. But the truth is this is an easy one. You answer the question above. Anytime you're with someone for six weeks and you have a "nagging" sense that he's not into you ...then he's not into you!

Doesn't touch, doesn't flirt. Game over right there. Game over.

Here's where you stumbled ... again, this is an easy way to stumble. You naively asked him if he's interested in you. If you have to ask, the answer is 99 percent of the time, no, he's not interested in you. So this is your chance to advance your game here. Don't ask a liar if he's telling the truth. Don't ask someone who's hanging around and showing no real interest if they're interested. He clearly thinks you're a good person ... and he must think you're attractive, but that doesn't mean he's attracted to you. 

And here's the slammer: let's say he is really attracted to you. So what?!!!! His actions show clear disinterest. So if he is attracted to you, he's totally socially inept and closed and distant. You got all this information and had it ... you just didn't have the confidence to add up the data to reach your conclusion. If someone cannot make it clear that they like us, RUN. Run far and fast. There is a problem, a disconnect. Run. 

And you made the rookie mistake of escalating ... of thinking, well if I spend the nights with him and have sex with him, then he has to be close. No, no and no. 

This guy is socially out of it. A socially confident and skilled guy would let you know what's going on in his head.

Learn the lesson. I had to learn a lesson like this, multiple times ... women saying amazing things about me and then acting in a way that seemed cold. I, like you, foolished took their words and reassurances seriously ... But later when I thought of it, even the nerdiest, most shy, most stiff and awkward people who liked me were able to make that clear. 

Final point: stay out of a man's head. Stay with your feelings. You don't feel secure, that's your answer. The relationship isn't working for you. You don't need to know exactly "why" you don't feel secure. You don't. So this guy isn't for you. First rule of dating, you get with someone who REALLY likes you and acts like they like you and make it clear they like you, you feel great when with them, you feel valued when with them. Getting a bunch of words about "taking things slow"--that's nonsense. 

Go ... leave ... your instincts are good ... now pay attention. He's not a good guy for you. Go, run. Don't ask him what he's feeling. Go. 

And to directly answer your question what happened was that you ran through a bunch of flaming red flags. You pursued a guy who showed no interest. (Words without actions are not indicators of interest.) You  put yourself in the most vulnerable position with someone who had showed no interest. Again, words about going slow ... or being a gentleman--that's all b.s. So that's what happened. 

Sorry for the pain and disappointment. It really sucks to be with someone who is cold and distant.  

 

 

Not everyone is socially skilled and confident or has to be, so what , everyone is different and how boring would it be if we weren't. But with the incredible trouble you've gone to for op in explaining how this is yeah , l'm sorry op but l fully agree. No one has to be anything , if it's there in front of them and they really want it , and they should really want it especially with someone new , then even with the biggest of fumblers , they'll manage before too long. I'm afraid l do agree with all this though and even if he was extremely low drive l'd still think something is def' missing for him, even if he can't quite figure it out himself. He could love everything about you but that doesn't always equate to the physical .

The only other poss reason l'd think was feasible is was if he's religious maybe or has beliefs in waiting, ever talked to him about things like that , extremely conservative, old fashioned .  He's gentleman stuff could have some strong believes ideals with it.

 

Edited September 7, 2020 by chillii

[Calmandfocused]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Let's keep things straight here or this will not be a good learning experience for you.

I have never spent this amount of time with someone who pretended to like me. It’s that what confuses me. There were numerous time’s he could have opted out prior to this weekend. 

This is all wrong--completely and totally wrong. He did NOT pretend  that he liked you. He was distant and cold--he didn't flirt with you and didn't touch you. That's NOT pretending to like someone.  He acted just as he is--distant. YOU mistook his vague words for "acting like he liked you" He did not. That's why this was obvious. He did not treat you like someone he is interested in. 

There was nothing to be confused about ... anymore than being confused that someone that robes you on the street and says "I'm actually a good person." Reply: who cares? You're robbing me--I don't want be around you. This guy's unfitness for intimacy and a relationship--even a flirty noncomitted relationship was obvious from the git-go. Imaging I'm walking you to my seven-year-old Toyota, and I I tell you I'm a billionaire. You gonna believe me? Telling you I'm a billionaire is not the same as acting like a real billionaire. 

I continued to date him for one reason only: that he’s different.

I’m so used to men trying to frog March me into the bedroom in the first 5 minutes, that I assumed (obviously incorrectly) that different was good. 
 

I made the terrible mistake of thinking that he was more interested in getting to know me as person first which I told myself was a good thing. But deep down I just knew that the reality was that he wasn’t very interested. 
 

The good thing is that I’m not heartbroken - it’s very difficult to get attached to nothing. 
 

What’s really eating me is the fact that he just couldn’t tell me the truth before this dreadful weekend happened. It could have saved us a lot both a lot  of unavoidable awkwardness.