Dated for few months - 9 Months and sitll not over it - Take a sip of Coffee - it will be long

[Hope1989]

Hi people,

Put your coffee cup on the side and take a sip because I am about to rant and I'm planning in writing as much as possible. I know this is long and I do not know how many people will read, but it will mean the world to me if you could take 10 minutes of your life and read it.

I want to start off that it took me long to decide whether to post or not because I am embarrassed and due to the situation I have been feeling that I am a little bit crazy (It's sad to feel that way, to be honest). Also, I have suffered (and still) from mental health issues such as depression, OCD and anxiety (I guess to some extent you will understand why this is important).

So, let's kick off this thread. I am a 31 year old expat in Berlin (Germany, just in case there are other Berlin's around there). To say the least, it is pretty hard to adapt to a new place where both my culture and even weather (I am Colombian, the country, not Columbia the State). 

I have been single for a long time (I guess I still am), and once I came to Germany and got a job in here, that place became my entire life (big mistake). And here is the colorful twist, after two years in the Company I spoke to a girl which I always thought she was cute, but never really though of going beyond that. However, one time our seating charts became re arranged and I was sitting fairly close to her. For some reason, I decided to talk to her. Please note that she was not the kind of girl I am generally attracted at all.

What did I find out? She was a girl that looked very young and noble. She was older than me to my surprise (seriously, she looked like 20). And here comes another condiment to the plot. Our Company has this event (not anymore in Covid times called Friday Beers. It caught my attention she never stayed to those events, and as a matter of fact everyday she left rather early. So after asking her why this was the case, she told she had a kid. Boy was I surprised. Let's get it out of the way, this was never a problem for me. BUT as you will learn soon, it was a problem for her.

I was really unsure to ask her out, mainly because she never had time, but after discussing with my best friend the situation (shout out bro, you really screwed me up), he told me that it might good for me to ask her out just to get back in the game. So, to avoid the timing problem, I decided to ask her for breakfast (we ended up going for dinner).Before that day, I told her I was not looking for a relationship (I did not mean it, it's just a defense mechanism because I thought she looked so fragile and I did not want to set high expectations) and she told me she was not either). After that day, I thought I would never invite her out again; she was really shy, she was very fluent in English (lol, and I am not fluent neither in German or Russian). However, for some reason, I decided to go on and invite her out again.

Are you still reading? If so, great, I'll try to summarize because the coffee shop I am writing this will close soon.

Fast forward, at some point we kissed. She started coming to my house rather often (a couple a days a week). I want to point out there was no sex at the moment. She just stayed over and that was just magical for me. I remember one day I got a cold and she showed up with a bunch of stuff for me getting better.

After that day, I was completely devoted to her. I know that it sounds like silly things, but she usually left work before me, and I always walked her to the train and went back to work. She told me she liked drawing, and I bought her a book and some stuff to draw. I filled her with little details. Became flexible with the schedule and all. 

This is the big turn

During one of our conversations, she mentioned that six months ago she had move out of her ex's (and father of her child) house. This was already when we were being very special to each other. She told me she was not in love with him (which I did not believe her, but who knows), and that she felt empty and horrible inside.

As I told you, she was a bit weird and seemed so fragile. The following weeks, things started to go down the drain (trust my word in this, this had nothing to do with what she told me). She started talking way less (even though she claimed she still liked me a lot), and in December while we were both in vacations elsewhere, she decided we should stop seeing each other. Here is were my nightmare began.

I can't begin to tell you the pain that I was in. I did not process this well at all. However, when she came back we saw each other, we kissed and kept going out, although she told me it was over. 

Our last "date": I took her to a Colombian restaurant. We had an unbelievable night. We had dinner, drank a bit, came back to my house and I thought she would stay at my place. Around 2AM she stands up and told me she was leaving. I literally felt like my heard was ripped off and walked out through the door.  

I did not process well. 

She is a very understanding woman, and I can't be thankful enough for all the patience she had with me through this 8,9 months.

From our last date on, I did not react well. I got severely depressed and was asking literally like every day what happened, why did she leave me, was it my physical appearance? was I not good enough?. Everything went through my brain on how I was not good enough. My self-esteem went below the floor. I started telling her how much she hurt me, how she ruined my life, how she broke me. This went on for so long. I felt I was harassing her (not in a creepy way), with all my questions and pointed the guilt at her.

If at this point you could be judging me, I understand. But you can't imagine the pain I was in (I still am). Obviously, I was self isolated for 60 days by myself because of the coronavirus restrictions and that did not help a lot. Not to mention being at the same workplace after the lock down, did not make it easier.

So why did a 3 months relationships affected my life so much? Hard to say. Might be the fact I had little to no life for myself, could be that I have always wanted a family (and she told me she still wanted kids but with someone she loved), could be that she was filling the void I had in all different aspects of my life, or just simply I saw her as a great woman (I do).  

I think I got addicted (not in a creepy way again) to her and/or an idea of what could have been. Now I am actually reading a book called "How to break an addition to a person". 

This is the first time I have gone over 10 days on going no contact with her. I know that IF, and I know there was not, a chance to get back to her, this disappeared a long time ago. I know I lost her forever. And I accept it. I acted crazy, and I feel like that, but my heart was n the right place.

Just to finish, I want you to know that if you got this far, it is the first time that I make this recap and it has being incredibly painful. I will be changing jobs for several reasons, but her being there is the most important one. 

Guys, I am not sure what I am looking for while writing this. I am not sure if I want an advice, someone related to this, or just get it off my chest (although I have done it enough), I just want to say that if you read this.

Thank you.

Much love and stay safe everyone.

[schlumpy]

So much for not wanting a relationship. Although you two never formally brought it up it sure looks like a relationship to me.

I didn't get the connection as to why her having a child made a difference. Did you ever meet her child? Did you ever visit her home?

Yes, you did handle the break up badly and I do wish you had found us before you went mad.

It's pretty simple. You lied when you said you did not want a relationship and she didn't.

She's really not to blame here.

My suggestion is that you type into your browser "cheating 180". You will find various versions of a program called the 180, that if followed, will help you detach from your feelings.

It is very good that you will be finding a new job because No Contact is a requirement for you to heal and move on.

Next time make sure the woman you court is on the same page as you are.

 

tschüss

[Hope1989]

Thanks for your reply and your advice.

I agree with most of the things you said. But never in the post I was blaming her for anything. I don't really went "mad". I felt like that. 

I even said that I recognize that I have mental health issues that affect me that. 

I think I feel judged, and that was why I was afraid of posting here.

Anyway,

 

thanks

[Maldives]

Nah your just human bro and your heart at the moment is requiring some TLC that's all. Your not crazy it's normal. 

[Datingdisabled]

You're lucky. I wouldn't feel bad but all she did was ghost you. I was desperate for this connection and he was writing to me about it, I fell for it and got hurt. I confronted him about it and he came to my house the next day and kicked me in the back. It's funny because now I'm suffering too much wear and tare on my spine and going through a very excruciating and painful flare up.

[Hope1989]

4 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Nah your just human bro and your heart at the moment is requiring some TLC that's all. Your not crazy it's normal. 

Thanks for saying this. It's nice to get this type of reassurance.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, Hope1989 said:

I agree with most of the things you said. But never in the post I was blaming her for anything. I don't really went "mad". I felt like that. 

You did blame her, actually, right here: 

23 hours ago, Hope1989 said:

 My self-esteem went below the floor. I started telling her how much she hurt me, how she ruined my life, how she broke me. This went on for so long. I felt I was harassing her (not in a creepy way), with all my questions and pointed the guilt at her.

Telling her she ruined your life and broke you is blaming her. However, I think you are recognizing that this much more to do with you than it does with her.  You liked her, without any doubt, but you led with low self-esteem right from the beginning when told her you didn't want a relationship. I understand you did this because you didn't have the confidence to admit you would like a relationship, so it set the wrong tone from the start. You then placed your expectations too high (ie. having a future with her) without ever communicating to her that you in fact did want to develop a relationship with someone special, so it was a much more crushing blow when she called it off. 

If this was enough to ruin your life and break you, then surely you realize you were already in a very fragile place before you ever started dating her. And, it does seem that you have come to understand this. So, continue working on you and your self-esteem. Get to a place where you're leading with confidence rather than fear. You'll find you have a much easier time dating when you're not so worried about losing everything if doesn't work out. 

And honestly? If she'd only moved out of her ex's place a few months before, chances are that she wasn't ready to move on yet, either. 

By the way, I understand how it feels to be an expat. (Canadian living in Italy here) It can be a huge challenge when experiencing pain and break-ups away from your family and oldest friends, but you're doing the right thing coming here to share. There's always someone around to listen.