Emmylou_H Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 (edited) So I have known this guy since 2007. I was dating one of his friends at the time and this is how we met but we didn’t really talk. I reconnected with him in 2013 because he was meeting a mutual friend at a bar and happened to be there. We talked a lot that night and I instantly felt this insane connection to him. I probably wouldn’t have reached out to him myself but the next day he messaged me and said it was great getting to know me and that we should hang out again: I happened to be moving cities around that time and so we had this “relationship” that really was kind of like a confusing friendship? It was hard to define but we really connected and were texting each other a lot. Of course at this point it was long distance so we made plans to meet up one weekend. We hung out and it went really well. He was super respectful and basically everything I would ever want in another person. The issue is that we only ended up seeing one another a few times after that but continued to text. After a while I got exhausted because it felt like every time we were going to meet up something got in the way, so I asked him (probably this was 2015) if we would ever see each other regularly. He replied that he thought I was amazing and he honestly had feelings for me but he didn’t want to hurt me. I was devastated and wasn’t in contact him for at least a year after that. Over the years one of us will reach out to the other and he always says it would like to meet up but it never happens. I swear I still have the same feelings for him just like it was that amazing night in 2013. I don’t understand why I feel so strongly about him still. I try so hard to erase my feelings but they won’t go away. I have never felt like this about anyone and I am in my mid 30s and have dated a lot of people. I messaged him last weekend after not speaking with him for over a year. He responded quickly and said it would be “fun” to hang out and asked me some questions about my life, what I’m doing etc. he said he is out of town for a week but is free after that. I told him I have the same number and that he could contact me anytime. Since last week I can’t get him off my mind even more than usual. I probably have thought about him everyday since 2013. I just wish I had some answer for why I still feel so strongly about him. I’m also worried he won’t reach out to me, but also worried if he will because I feel like he is out of my league and I’ll never be good enough for him. Edited September 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 2
Mystery4u Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 It really doesn't matter how or why you feel like you do for him - he does not feel the same about you. That's what you need to remember always. For two people to be together it has to be a two way thing, just one person feeling a certain way is not enough. If anything serious were to happen between you both, it would have happened a long time ago. Do not contact him again, delete him everywhere, remember he does not feel the same about you, then start to move on. 5
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 It may have happened if you had never left.....but girl that was years ago....he's moved on...the novelty of the attraction wore off. He's handing you the friends card. 1 1
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 He's not interested in being with you. If he was, he would have made an effort to make that happen sometime during all these years. He even straight out told you that he can't give you what you want. The only way that you're going to get over him is if you stop reaching out to him in these futile hopes of maybe starting something up with him. You'll never be satisfied with these little crumbs that he gives you. So just stop wasting your energy on this. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 I don't think it matters why you still like as much as why you still keep in contact with him when the interest isn't mutual. You've got to stop picking at the scab, girl. Time to leave this guy firmly in 2013. If it hasn't amounted to anything by now, it's not going to. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 4 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: I just wish I had some answer for why I still feel so strongly about him. I’m also worried he won’t reach out to me, but also worried if he will because I feel like he is out of my league and I’ll never be good enough for him. Crushing on somebody for 7 years is a LONG time. This long distance texting weird friendship thing you have going on makes very little sense. I don't knw why he would tell you that he has feelings for you two but doesn't want to act on them because he doesn't want to hurt you. What does that mean? Did you ever ask? Part of me thinks he either knows he's a bad BF & he respected you enough to stay away or he was lying to spare your feelings. Either way it doesn't bode well. As for this league business get that drivel out of your head right now. People are equal There are no leagues. As I say this if you have always projected some vibe like you are not good enough maybe his comment had to do with telling you that as a young guy in his 20s he was only into hot chicks who made him look good on his arm & you didn't fit that bill even though you were a cool person. Him not making a real effort indicates to me that he certainly does not feel about you the way you have been pining for him. I fear you have set him up in your mind as some sort of Prince Charming after all these years. He's just a guy with flaws, problems & quirks. It's been 7 years. Don't let it become decade. Reach out to him to set something up. If you two are still long distance, realize this still isn't going to work. However, you have to get him out of your system. 2 1
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 Wow thank you for the response, you have made me rationalize a lot of what I have been brooding over. I guess I am just confused because I impulsively reached out to him last week after not talking for over a year. What confuses me is every time I reach out I just want to see how he is doing and then he proposes we hang out. It’s never me who requests this, always him. I actually wouldn’t have the courage to ask. I just wonder why he feels the need to pitch the idea of hanging out if he wasn’t interested in doing so. I think messaging him was probably not the best idea because I thought I could handle it but the same old feelings came back full force. I really appreciate your response thank you again!
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 (edited) People say "hey let's hang out" as just being friendly/polite. You are reading way too much into it. Edited September 5, 2020 by smackie9 6
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 He’s probably just looking to hook up, OP. A guy who is interested in dating you isn’t going to wait a year for you to contact him. He’d be up for a little no-strings fun if you are, so he responds favourably when you reach out. But that’s where it ends with this guy. 3
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 Yea I was wondering that. But he went on to be more specific and told me when he was available. So I left it in his hands to contact me; which was probably the wrong move.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 3 minutes ago, Emmylou_H said: But he went on to be more specific and told me when he was available. Well, why wouldn’t he? Even a casual hook-up requires a day/time to meet up. It doesn’t mean anything other than trying to figure out a convenient way to work it in to both of your schedules. Were you thinking it meant something more?
Author Emmylou_H Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 No I was more wondering if he really meant to ever see me at all or if he was just saying it as habit or something like that
lana-banana Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 There's no way to tell. It could be polite and he doesn't mean it, he could be looking for a hookup, maybe he's just bored. A guy from my college (who I barely spoke to in the entire four years we were there) hit me up out of nowhere, asked to get coffee in a completely businesslike, non-flirtatious way, then canceled at the last second; seven years later he hit me up again in the same way but he disappeared as soon as I told him I was happily married. There's no point in trying to figure some people out. But why they do things matters less than the effect of what it is they do, and the effect here is that he's not meaningfully interested in you. He has had years to be part of your life, say he wants to be with you, etc...he didn't then and hasn't now. Saying hello does not a relationship make. This guy has existed solely in the realm of your imagination for so long that it's no wonder your feelings are so powerful: it's a lot more safe and more fun in some ways to have crushes that you carry on in your own head, without any fear of rejection or embarrassment. It will take intense, sustained hard work to knock this guy off the pedestal you've built for him, but you can't take that step until you figure out why it happened. What's so special about this guy? What were you feeling at that moment in time that you thought he could fulfill? Why him and no one else? What does he make you feel that other guys you've actually dated don't? What is it you want? In some sense I think a meeting might be good for you, as you'll realize that he isn't all he's cracked up to be. But you need to be prepared for disappointment, either when he hooks up and leaves, shows no interest in a romantic relationship, or even doesn't want to meet up at all. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 It sounds to me like his "let's hang out" is a throwaway line that he just says with little meaning or effort behind it. Since he gave you available times but you didn't pick one & set something up but instead again left things in his hands there is a possibility that he backs off because you are sending mixed signals. You calling him indicates interest. You refusing to pick a time / place indicates that you don't care & won't make the effort to see him. When you get clear about what you want & you unequivocally communicate that to him, you will be able to move forward. While you continue to wallow around in your own indecision, shyness, lack of confidence whatever it is that is holding you back, this will remain an unresolved mess. 1 1
Velvet teddy Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: No I was more wondering if he really meant to ever see me at all or if he was just saying it as habit or something like that If he gave you times when he was available. The ball is in your court to say when you're free. Although i think if he were truly interested, he wouldn't have said he has feelings but doesn't want to hurt you. Thats basically his way of dismissing dating you..entirely. Its up to you. If you truly want to meet him, go ahead. As for why you can't get him out your head. You've idealised him as the perfect man that's why. You're infatuated. The only true way to know if he really is what you envision is to date him, but that may not play out the way you want. Edited September 6, 2020 by Velvet teddy 1
Dork Vader Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Emmylou_H said: Wow thank you for the response, you have made me rationalize a lot of what I have been brooding over. I guess I am just confused because I impulsively reached out to him last week after not talking for over a year. What confuses me is every time I reach out I just want to see how he is doing and then he proposes we hang out. It’s never me who requests this, always him. I actually wouldn’t have the courage to ask. I just wonder why he feels the need to pitch the idea of hanging out if he wasn’t interested in doing so. I think messaging him was probably not the best idea because I thought I could handle it but the same old feelings came back full force. I really appreciate your response thank you again! Get the impulses under control, if you can't control them on your own perhaps it's time to talk to a therapist about it. Pitching the idea to hang out and following through are two entirely different things. Maybe he's only interested in a fling, thus if it's convenient for him, he'll do it, other wise he won't have time. Peoples actions tell you their intentions and his are clearly telling you it's time for you to move on. It's not healthy for you, look at yourself.. Take a step back and really look at the emotional tole this has placed on you. I think you already know this, the forum is just a means of verification of what you already know. The best way to move on is focus on yourself and do positive things for yourself. If you're into reading, read some books that help you expand your views on life, world or some topic you're interested in. If you're into painting, paint. If you're into exercise then really dedicate to exercise and set some achievable goals you can work towards. If you're religious, get involved with your religious organization. If you like helping people volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter.. Keep yourself busy and make sure what you're doing has a positive impact you.. Edited September 6, 2020 by Dork Vader 1 1
Maldives Posted September 7, 2020 Posted September 7, 2020 On 9/6/2020 at 1:00 AM, Emmylou_H said: So I have known this guy since 2007. I was dating one of his friends at the time and this is how we met but we didn’t really talk. I reconnected with him in 2013 because he was meeting a mutual friend at a bar and happened to be there. We talked a lot that night and I instantly felt this insane connection to him. I probably wouldn’t have reached out to him myself but the next day he messaged me and said it was great getting to know me and that we should hang out again: I happened to be moving cities around that time and so we had this “relationship” that really was kind of like a confusing friendship? It was hard to define but we really connected and were texting each other a lot. Of course at this point it was long distance so we made plans to meet up one weekend. We hung out and it went really well. He was super respectful and basically everything I would ever want in another person. The issue is that we only ended up seeing one another a few times after that but continued to text. After a while I got exhausted because it felt like every time we were going to meet up something got in the way, so I asked him (probably this was 2015) if we would ever see each other regularly. He replied that he thought I was amazing and he honestly had feelings for me but he didn’t want to hurt me. I was devastated and wasn’t in contact him for at least a year after that. Over the years one of us will reach out to the other and he always says it would like to meet up but it never happens. I swear I still have the same feelings for him just like it was that amazing night in 2013. I don’t understand why I feel so strongly about him still. I try so hard to erase my feelings but they won’t go away. I have never felt like this about anyone and I am in my mid 30s and have dated a lot of people. I messaged him last weekend after not speaking with him for over a year. He responded quickly and said it would be “fun” to hang out and asked me some questions about my life, what I’m doing etc. he said he is out of town for a week but is free after that. I told him I have the same number and that he could contact me anytime. Since last week I can’t get him off my mind even more than usual. I probably have thought about him everyday since 2013. I just wish I had some answer for why I still feel so strongly about him. I’m also worried he won’t reach out to me, but also worried if he will because I feel like he is out of my league and I’ll never be good enough for him. Soul mates that's why I have the same issue with an ex 1
TheFinalWord Posted September 7, 2020 Posted September 7, 2020 It's nostalgia. Certain people from the past trigger it. They fit into a set of circumstances that remind you of different times. Also, when you have an unhealthy attachment to someone, it's usually something about your psychology that they have triggered. It's not them, at their core. If it was, they would feel the same way and would reciprocate. The fact his is a one-way streak suggests there is some unresolved trauma in your past that he has triggered. I don't know what it is, you would need to see a therapist to get to the bottom of it. I recommend it because time is passing you by and the reality is this is not ever going to be anything real. 1
WesHightower Posted September 8, 2020 Posted September 8, 2020 Sometimes something is so attractive because we know we can’t really have it. Theres no chance in being disappointed if we get it and it’s not nearly as good as we thought it would be, as things seldom are. You have created this perfect vision in your head. Now when you meet someone with whom something is actually possible there is no way they can live up to this imaginary ideal you have created. Maybe you are afraid of committing to someone or something and this keeps you safe. If you can’t have this perfect situation then you don’t want to have anything at all. 1
HopefulHeart23 Posted September 8, 2020 Posted September 8, 2020 I’m sorry be the one to tell you this but this man doesn’t seem to be that into you. I think he is just trying to waste time with you and already told you in 2013 that he doesn’t have feeling for you. Sometimes as woman who fantasy so much about someone we create all this fake reality in our head and end up falling even more in love with the man. I’m sure this man is not as great as you build in up in your head. If he truly saw you in that way he would of taken the relationship to the next level and asked you out. You need to move on from this man. I know it’s hard I have been there but your going to end up hurting yourself in the long run. Just block him and love on. Best of luck darling 1
kismetkismet Posted September 8, 2020 Posted September 8, 2020 I think that when we have a crush on someone for a long period of time it makes the crush feel more significant than it actually is. You think that just because it's lasted so long that there must be a reason and that you might end up together eventually when the timing is right (thank you romantic comedies of the 90s early 00s!) And, since you were partly kept apart my circumstances, it allowed you to hold out hope that it was the circumstances that were keeping you apart - not just that the feelings weren't mutual. But at this point, if he was as invested as you then it would have happened by now. He obviously likes you as a person, so is happy to hang out when it's convenient and text etc. But he's not invested enough for this to actually develop into anything more. Your best bet is to go no contact so that you can move on mentally and find someone who wants the same things as you. 1
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