Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 (edited) I (20M) have a crush on my female friend (18F), so I asked her once if I could kiss her. She said sure, she moved up to me and we kissed (she kissed back) for 30 secs or so, and she said it was good immediately after. So I did not pressure her, I asked only once and she gave consent to it. If she said no then I would've immediately backed off and never tried again. I texted her about it after, asking her if she was okay with what happened. When I asked her "Are you okay with what happened?" She said "It's fine yeah". She then said she felt like "didn't have much of a choice" because she struggles to say no to people. She then said "I am fine with it but I didn't have much of a choice". What on earth does this even mean? How can she say she felt like she had no choice, but also be "Fine with it" at the same time? That's so contradictory. What do people think she means with these messages? Maybe she is saying that she felt like she had no choice, but was okay with kissing me regardless? I don't want to ask her more as I don't want to irritate her. Edited September 5, 2020 by Bonestorm Wrong title
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 It means that she has low self confidence. As a young woman she doesn't believe her voice matters & she struggles to say no. She will have trouble her whole life until she masters this. You can't help her with this. Now that you know she is unable to speak her own mind & will lie rather than hurt your feelings, you can never again trust what she says. She says yes when she means no but doesn't voice that. You must not ask her for sexual things because she feels too pressured to consent. She did consent to the kiss you shared so you are in the clear there but going forward you have to recognize that she did not want to kiss you so don't do it again. I would put a lot of distance in your relationship. She is immature & terribly damaged. 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 It means she went ahead and kissed you even though she didn't really want to, unfortunately. She doesn't yet have the confidence or maturity to say no when she's on the spot. But, it wasn't something she necessarily truly enjoyed or wants to repeat. I would leave it be. 2
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 But keep in mind she did say multiple times that she was fine with what happened. So that makes me think maybe she was ok with it?
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 You are wrong. She was NOT OK with it. She lied. when she said yes. She wanted to say no. She didn't have enough self esteem to say no. She said she was fine with it because she knew that is what you wanted to hear. She put your needs above hers. When she said she didn't have much of a choice she was telling you that she didn't think she was allowed to say no. Does that really sound like somebody who was excited to kiss you or truly did so voluntarily? 2
schlumpy Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 You are are pretending to be a friend when in your mind you are actually a suitor. This isn't a level playing field. You need to declare your intentions and see if she feels the same. If she doesn't then quit taking advantage of her inability to say no. Friends don't have sex with friends. 1
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 No I am not a suitor, I told her the next time we met up that I will not kiss her as I knew something was off.
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 She clearly didn't "want" to kiss me, but it doesn't seem like she was bothered by it either. She doesn't care, it meant nothing to her, this is why she said "It's not a big deal" and that she's fine with it etc. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 46 minutes ago, Bonestorm said: But keep in mind she did say multiple times that she was fine with what happened. So that makes me think maybe she was ok with it? You're misinterpreting what that means. She is "okay" with it in the sense that she's not upset with you for making a move. But notice how she didn't indicate she enjoyed it? That she'd like to do it again? This isn't a girl who is keen to kiss you again. 4
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 1 minute ago, Bonestorm said: She clearly didn't "want" to kiss me, but it doesn't seem like she was bothered by it either. She doesn't care, it meant nothing to her, this is why she said "It's not a big deal" and that she's fine with it etc. No. When she said it was "no big deal" she was still lying to herself & you. It's a HUGE deal that she feels powerless & voiceless, like what she wants doesn't matter. She is trying to minimize her own discomfort to make you feel better. 2
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 15 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: You're misinterpreting what that means. She is "okay" with it in the sense that she's not upset with you for making a move. But notice how she didn't indicate she enjoyed it? That she'd like to do it again? This isn't a girl who is keen to kiss you again. She said it was good immediately after, though knowing her she probably just lied by saying that. No I don't think she'd like to do it again, read my previous reply. She clearly didn't "want" to kiss me, but it doesn't seem like she was bothered by it either. She doesn't care, it meant nothing to her, this is why she said "It's not a big deal" and that she's fine with it etc.
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 You will find women can be friends with a guy and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. Hitting on friends is often not a good idea, they don't see you in that way. As for the kiss. I am fine with it, it is no big deal... ie, "I am not going to report you for harassment, or tell my parents, but I want you to know I felt I had no choice." She felt pressurised into saying yes. Saying I had no choice means she doesn't want you to try again. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 Yes, exactly. She isn't upset about it, per se, but she wasn't into it. It's best to just leave it there and keep your options open for dating. This girl isn't that interested romantically. 1
introverted1 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: She is immature & terribly damaged. This. Stay away from her, OP. She can't be trusted to give an honest response. Last thing you want is for her to consent to [whatever] and then later claim she was coerced or that she never gave consent. 2
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 14 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You will find women can be friends with a guy and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. Hitting on friends is often not a good idea, they don't see you in that way. As for the kiss. I am fine with it, it is no big deal... ie, "I am not going to report you for harassment, or tell my parents, but I want you to know I felt I had no choice." She felt pressurised into saying yes. Saying I had no choice means she doesn't want you to try again. Well she doesn't have the option to report me for harassment anyway as all I did was simply ask lol. Asking once is not a crime.
Dork Vader Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 3 hours ago, Bonestorm said: I (20M) have a crush on my female friend (18F), so I asked her once if I could kiss her. She said sure, she moved up to me and we kissed (she kissed back) for 30 secs or so, and she said it was good immediately after. So I did not pressure her, I asked only once and she gave consent to it. If she said no then I would've immediately backed off and never tried again. I texted her about it after, asking her if she was okay with what happened. When I asked her "Are you okay with what happened?" She said "It's fine yeah". She then said she felt like "didn't have much of a choice" because she struggles to say no to people. She then said "I am fine with it but I didn't have much of a choice". What on earth does this even mean? How can she say she felt like she had no choice, but also be "Fine with it" at the same time? That's so contradictory. What do people think she means with these messages? Maybe she is saying that she felt like she had no choice, but was okay with kissing me regardless? I don't want to ask her more as I don't want to irritate her. Move on with your life, she is not interested in your and it's not going to go any place.
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Bonestorm said: Well she doesn't have the option to report me for harassment anyway as all I did was simply ask lol. Asking once is not a crime. Kissing women who don't want to be kissed may be...
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Bonestorm said: Well she doesn't have the option to report me for harassment anyway as all I did was simply ask lol. Asking once is not a crime. Asking once is not a crime. You did the right thing by asking & you were allowed to accept her "yes" at face value. However given what you know now, what we are telling you is that her consent was nebulous at best. Her inability to speak her own mind means that in the future if you tried for another kiss or pushed for sex, she might voice "yes" not knowing how to say no then come at you later screaming that you assaulted her. Do not put yourself in those murky waters. Going forward hands & lips OFF. 1
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 52 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Kissing women who don't want to be kissed may be... I did not know she didn't want to be kissed. She said yes, did it, kissed back, and said it was good after and said she was fine with it. Don't be ridiculous. Given what I know now I would obviously not do it again though.
Author Bonestorm Posted September 5, 2020 Author Posted September 5, 2020 I am absolutely not trying to go further with her, I was simply trying to understand what happened.
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 (edited) Well now you know what it means. This poor girl needs some serious adult guidance or she's going to find herself in an abusive situation she can't get herself out of...she is very vulnerable. I hope she can get counseling through her school/college or whatever. Hats off to you for coming here after acknowledging something wasn't right and consulting with us. This is what we are here for.....to help guide people into understanding life's situations, and making better choices. Edited September 5, 2020 by smackie9 1
ShyViolet Posted September 5, 2020 Posted September 5, 2020 This girl is immature, confused, and doesn't yet know how to say what she's really feeling. From everything you are describing, you did nothing wrong here. Now you know that she's not someone who you should be getting involved with.
snowboy91 Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 She felt like she was forced to kiss you even though you asked. To her, simply asking to kiss her feels like enormous pressure and she caved in. This is the way people with low self confidence (including me) act. All up, you haven't done anything wrong - but it would still be safe to assume your crush isn't reciprocated and you shouldn't pursue further. I'll also add that if a relationship did develop it will be really tough going for you to constantly think about whether or not she's trying to save your feelings.
basil67 Posted September 6, 2020 Posted September 6, 2020 13 hours ago, Bonestorm said: But keep in mind she did say multiple times that she was fine with what happened. So that makes me think maybe she was ok with it? She said it 'multiple times'? How did this conversation arise more than once? The best way to explain her perspective is that she recognises that she was at fault for not saying 'no' and doesn't hold the kiss against you. 1
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