BettyBet Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 OK so, I had a baby with my bf of two years at the start of the year. I developed postnatal depression and it got really really bad at one point due to being stuck in on my own with our newborn, my child, and his child during lockdown. He would go out drinking with his friends the first month after our baby was born (the month before lockdown started) and then went back to work. I felt like I was getting no help at all and my postnatal depression got so much worse during this time About two months after our baby was born I told him I needed help with the kids but he said he couldn't help as he was tired from working, so I told him I was going back home (we didn't live together at the time but we were in the same house during lockdown), as I needed help with the kids and me not being there was the only way I knew he would help. I know this was wrong, and I feel like I should have tried to wait until lockdown eased and then got help from family. But a month later he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore and we broke up. Its been about 5 months since this happened and I still want to be back with him. How do you put it all past you? I've written down reasons we wouldn't be happy, he bought a house without informing me in the area he knew I didn't want to live. He bought it as our family home because that's what he wanted and this contributed to my PND, as it made me feel like he didn't care about my thoughts. He's selfish, he's disrespectful, he always wanted to go out with his friends but never wanted to do anything with me, he made me feel really self conscious as he would talk about other women he was attracted to, and he would plan dates for us after baby was born but then forgot about them on the day and laughed like it was nothing. I also suspected that he still had feelings for his ex during our relationship. My child didn't particularly get on well with his child either. Since breaking up he's wanted a casual relationship, which we did for a week and then I stopped it. But then he instigated it again and I just wanted him so kept up with it for a few weeks and now it's stopped again. I completely understand I've caused problems for myself here. This may have made me go back over but I miss him so much, and I just can't seem to get past him. I've been through therapy, and discussed him being manipulative and controlling. I'm taking tablets from the doctor for my PND. I've been trying to keep myself busy, I've been out with friends and I've even been on a few dates but I just don't want anyone else. I want to be back with him.... I know 5 months isn't really a long time but how much longer will I be wanting him? I've been working on my confidence, which has gotten much better recently, and I'm doing all I can think of to help myself now but he just keeps coming into my mind. He has baby twice a week, so we still see each other often due to this. I've tried having someone else drop baby off so we didn't see each other, but I just couldn't keep it up. I feel weak for still wanting him, especially when I know I probably wouldn't be happy with him. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 Yours is a tough situation. I'm sorry for all you have been through & commend you for persevering for the baby's sake. You say you have 1 child with him but then you mention other kids, plural. Do you have more then 1 child? That has to be so tough. If there is any way you can get a nanny or some type of respite try that. Use the time he has the child to recharge your own batteries. Keep up with the therapy. Keep doing those lists. Read books & do exercises to boost your self esteem. Most of all give it time. This process of getting stronger & more independent will take years not 5 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBet Posted September 5, 2020 Author Share Posted September 5, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: You say you have 1 child with him but then you mention other kids, plural. Do you have more then 1 child? Thank you for replying. We have the baby together, but I have a child from a previous relationship and he also has a child from a previous relationship. My other child does not have a father due to him not wanting to be involved, so the only time I have away is while she's at school. Edited September 5, 2020 by BettyBet Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 One thing that you can do and that you have absolute control over is not to have anymore children, unless you are in a stable relationship. The life you say you desire demands continuity and consistency. Your actions reveal chaos. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 4 hours ago, BettyBet said: OK so, I had a baby with my bf of two years at the start of the year. I developed postnatal depression and it got really really bad at one point due to being stuck in on my own with our newborn, my child, and his child during lockdown. He would go out drinking with his friends the first month after our baby was born (the month before lockdown started) and then went back to work. I felt like I was getting no help at all and my postnatal depression got so much worse during this time About two months after our baby was born I told him I needed help with the kids but he said he couldn't help as he was tired from working, so I told him I was going back home (we didn't live together at the time but we were in the same house during lockdown), as I needed help with the kids and me not being there was the only way I knew he would help. I know this was wrong, and I feel like I should have tried to wait until lockdown eased and then got help from family. But a month later he told me he didn't have feelings for me anymore and we broke up. Its been about 5 months since this happened and I still want to be back with him. How do you put it all past you? I've written down reasons we wouldn't be happy, he bought a house without informing me in the area he knew I didn't want to live. He bought it as our family home because that's what he wanted and this contributed to my PND, as it made me feel like he didn't care about my thoughts. He's selfish, he's disrespectful, he always wanted to go out with his friends but never wanted to do anything with me, he made me feel really self conscious as he would talk about other women he was attracted to, and he would plan dates for us after baby was born but then forgot about them on the day and laughed like it was nothing. I also suspected that he still had feelings for his ex during our relationship. My child didn't particularly get on well with his child either. Since breaking up he's wanted a casual relationship, which we did for a week and then I stopped it. But then he instigated it again and I just wanted him so kept up with it for a few weeks and now it's stopped again. I completely understand I've caused problems for myself here. This may have made me go back over but I miss him so much, and I just can't seem to get past him. I've been through therapy, and discussed him being manipulative and controlling. I'm taking tablets from the doctor for my PND. I've been trying to keep myself busy, I've been out with friends and I've even been on a few dates but I just don't want anyone else. I want to be back with him.... I know 5 months isn't really a long time but how much longer will I be wanting him? I've been working on my confidence, which has gotten much better recently, and I'm doing all I can think of to help myself now but he just keeps coming into my mind. He has baby twice a week, so we still see each other often due to this. I've tried having someone else drop baby off so we didn't see each other, but I just couldn't keep it up. I feel weak for still wanting him, especially when I know I probably wouldn't be happy with him. I would keep focused on building yourself up and stop pursuing relationships right now. You are hoping that a good relationship will validate you and that you'll find happiness through someone else; in fact, the opposite is true. You will have better relationships when you can validate yourself and be independently happy. Focus on being a good single, working mother who will provide for your child - do that first and only right now. You don't need a man in your life at the moment. Stop thinking you do. And I say this as a guy. 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 3 hours ago, BettyBet said: Thank you for replying. We have the baby together, but I have a child from a previous relationship and he also has a child from a previous relationship. My other child does not have a father due to him not wanting to be involved, so the only time I have away is while she's at school. I missed this. I agree with the previous poster - no more children. No more meaningless relationships with men. There's a pattern: You are using men and relationships to try and validate yourself. You're trying to find happiness by having a role in a family. That is not going to work, and the reason it won't is because you're making it very easy for men to disrespect you and walk away. You're making it so that they don't have to respect you or give you jack s***. You have to focus on being a good mother. Your children need you to come through, to be a good mother who can work and provide both love and resources for them. If your men are not paying you child support, you need to get the courts to make them do it. That is their job as parents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 It will pass, you will get over him. You have not lost much this man wasn't good to you and the children. You simply miss the idea of the family you could have been together. Recovering from a break up takes time. Right now you need to concentrate on your children and be the best mother you can be. You do not need a man, you should NOT even think of dating at this time. You need to grow stronger and wiser before you're ready to share your heart with someone again. You are young, you have your life in front of you to find love. Your children are the ones you should invest in, they're the one that will love you forever, and the ones you'll be able to rely on later in life. Men will come and go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyBet Posted September 5, 2020 Author Share Posted September 5, 2020 I do understand that I need to choose better relationships and this is what I am focusing on in my therapy sessions. My first child was conceived as a teenage mishap, I've come to terms with the fact it was a silly teenage hormonal thing to do but all teenagers make mistakes.... clearly mine was much more long lasting than most but I wouldn't change anything for the world. I couldn't imagine my life without this happening. Our baby wasn't planned and I was taking the pill as prescribed, never missed one but I did start taking other tablets that I was unaware may affect the pill and this is what happened. Our relationship was great before this and the problems I stated only started after I became pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted September 9, 2020 Share Posted September 9, 2020 I don't know that there is any particular thing you can do to speed up this process. There's no panacea, just time. Best of luck moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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