zacharie7301 Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 My ex girlfriend is fearful avoidant and she also suffers from both Depression & Anxiety. I'm mostly a secure attachment type with a little bit of anxious. Both of us are 24. Our relationship got stronger over the course of 2 years. We started spending more time with our families, we went on vacation for a week and had a wonderful time. I felt our relationship was growing stronger and she was always very loving, letting me know how much I mean to her, always wanted to spend time with me, and always telling me how much she wants to marry me. The following week after coming back from vacation, her family member was hospitalized, she was feeling stressed and overwhelmed with both work and school. Out of nowhere she told me she can't handle a relationship right now, that she feels depressed and unhappy, that I would be happier with someone else, and that it's best we breakup. She told me our relationship moved too fast, (despite her being the one pushing the gas pedal) and it was like her depression/anxiety triggered her to self-sabotage our relationship. I was left with a loss of words, it was like her depression made her loose feelings for me and her anxiety triggered her to self-sabotage our relationship, thinking it was coming to an end, but it wasn't. After the breakup, we went to lunch where she told about how unhappy she feels right now. We held hands and hugged. She says that we can be friends for now, take things slow, still hang out, and when she's in a better state maybe we can try again. I don't want to turn my back on her in her time of need especially while she's depressed, which would look like i'm abandoning her. We still communicate, although she a bit distant now. Any advice on how to handle this? or Ever been in a similar situation? Do fearful avoidants ever comeback or regret their decision to self-sabotage their relationships that were going fine?
bobjon Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 (edited) As one of those avoidant types, I would tell ya to run. Hell, I would not try to date me. However, I have learned many things in the world of relationships. People come around here to ask for "what they want to hear" and will actually just do what they want anyway. The reality is she may very well not be able to handle all the BS that comes with a relationship. Gotta "check in" all the time, schedule that "special time", etc. All in the pursuit of about a whopping 30% chance of actually being happy. Yes, that is statistically accurate.... I would recommend jumping ship. Usually when I meet someone with problems I am like "oh hell no. My problems are enough, I don't need someone else's too".... Go find someone without issues. Edited September 3, 2020 by bobjon
Author zacharie7301 Posted September 3, 2020 Author Posted September 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, bobjon said: As one of those avoidant types, I would tell ya to run. Hell, I would not try to date me. However, I have learned many things in the world of relationships. People come around here to ask for "what they want to hear" and will actually just do what they want anyway. The reality is she may very well not be able to handle all the BS that comes with a relationship. Gotta "check in" all the time, schedule that "special time", etc. All in the pursuit of about a whopping 30% chance of actually being happy. Yes, that is statistically accurate.... I would recommend jumping ship. Usually when I meet someone with problems I am like "oh hell no. My problems are enough, I don't need someone else's too".... Go find someone without issues. That is true, she said about not being able to handle the priorities that come with being in a relationship. The crazy part is prior to the depression, if she didn't hear from me for a few hours, she would text to see if I was okay and she was more off the clingy girlfriend type, which I didn't mind, but it's like the depression made her into a different person and pull away/distant herself just like an avoidant. Has being an avoidant ever caused you to break up with someone, although the relationship was good? If so, did you regret it?
bobjon Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Avoidance comes in different forms. I would avoid until the partner lost interest. I will say that the mentally screwed up tend to hook up with someone that is also screwed up. So I cannot say I have felt total regret in 20yrs, when I let probably the best woman out of my life by avoiding. It worked, she broke it off, and that was that. If she is anything like me, she HATES the routine that comes with a relationship and will likely feel relief. The very best thing you can do is add S P A C E...... My last and final relationship was with someone that wanted to be in every orifice I had. Woman would actually knock on the bathroom door after 5min to see if I was "OK"..... I literally wanted ROOM..... But I realize most women are not that bad and it has taken years to get to a point of not caring, which is women probably can't do. Just give space!
smackie9 Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Let's be honest here....depression can be maintained....she isn't doing that and letting it rule her life. She needs professional help....you are not her therapist. Just be straight with her....you need to move on and she needs to find someone else to handle her problems. 1
schlumpy Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 I think the minute you agree to be in the friend zone it is the end of the relationship you want. You should refuse the downgrade and tell her we are either a couple or we go our own ways. I would also point out that she is following cheater script when she says, "you would be happier with someone else." Then comes the "lets be friends speech" while she struggles with some vague and undefinable condition or in this case her "depression." She's just offering you something to cling to. You should keep your eyes and ears open because you don't want her keeping you around as a backup. You need to give her the ultimatum and then go no contact. She will show herself soon. I do hope I'm wrong about this but it's what I read in your post. 1
FudgeSwirl Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 Depression and anxiety trick our minds into feeling and thinking certain things that aren't necessarily true. However, you should not at all wait around for her and be open to pursue anybody else down the line that you really like. She gave you her reasons for breaking up and now has to take care of her depression since she cannot cope with all the variables in her life simultaneously. Most of the time staying friends doesn't work out as well as the "intended" waiting period for getting back together so in this situation the partner who didn't ask for the break-up spends a lot of time thinking about the ex and going about daily routines as if he/she is waiting for his/her ex to call or come home from a faraway trip. 2
Highndry Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 5 hours ago, schlumpy said: I think the minute you agree to be in the friend zone it is the end of the relationship you want. ^^This. Never, EVER go from a romantic relationship to the friend zone with a woman. You immediately tell her that is fine, you respect her choice and are moving on, that if she has a change of heart then she can call you. And don't ever call her or check in again. Period. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 17 hours ago, zacharie7301 said: Any advice on how to handle this? or Ever been in a similar situation? Do fearful avoidants ever comeback or regret their decision to self-sabotage their relationships that were going fine? She broke up with you then offered friendship. Understand that wasn't a genuine offer. It was a sugar coated way of her not being direct & clear. She's also unable to have a clean break so she's drawing it out, offering friendship, trying to convince herself that she's not a bad person & didn't cause you pain. It's also a screwed up way of trying to mitigate against change. The idea of never speaking to you again is too big & overwhelming so she recategorizes you as a friend. It's BS. I don't know that I am a fearful avoidant. I don't even really understand that psycho-babble mumbo jumbo but I have been diagnosed as depressed with anxiety. In the throws of a depressive episode I don't regret pushing people away. I need them out of my life in that moment. 16 hours ago, zacharie7301 said: Has being an avoidant ever caused you to break up with someone, although the relationship was good? If so, did you regret it? You ask the wrong question. When pushing somebody away the relationship isn't good for the depressed person. It wasn't working. You might have thought the relationship was good. Your GF felt smothered. Hence she got out from under the pressure she felt from the relationship.
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