ExpatInItaly Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 13 hours ago, sandis1502 said: Also whenever he would talk about the inappropriate stuff or ask me questions about it (how many i've been with and how I don't send nudes right away) he told me he respected that a lot. I wouldn't even have agreed to meet with a guy who asked me these things when I have never met him, OP. You need a better screening process. 5
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Both. He told you he didn't want a relationship. 2 weeks off a fresh break up of your own you had no idea what you wanted either. Going forward when asked what you want, if you are not DTF & don't like NSA hook ups, the answer you are searching for is something like "eventually I want a relationship but for right now I'm open to meeting new people to see if we click." Also when a man tells you he's not ready for a relationship understand that to mean he's only looking for sex & no matter what you do he will never fall for you. Men don't value sex they get too easily. They think if you give it up to them early without commitment you do that with all men & are therefore "easy." It's a whore / Madonna complex. If you want to have flings & you enjoy hooking up have fun. Just don't later cry that the guy mislead you. As for the heart emojiis you saw I would assume that his break up a month ago hasn't been as clean as you were lead to believe. They are probably still in touch & that was most likely her. 4 1
poppyfields Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I wouldn't even have agreed to meet with a guy who asked me these things when I have never met him, OP. You need a better screening process. My point exactly, nevermind them, work on you, and why you choose men like this...
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Anytime someone tells you they are not looking for a relationship, believe them right away. I’m glad he told you this up front, instead of later on when you might have already developed feelings. 3 1
kismetkismet Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 If a guy says he's not looking for a relationship, he's definitely not looking for a relationship. If a guy says "let's see where this goes" he's probably not looking for a relationship. And if a guy says that he IS looking for a relationship, he's possibly looking for a relationship. If he says it before you've even been on the date, it's safe to say he's giving you the heads up that he's just looking for hookups and it likely isn't personal. And I agree with PPs - Don't ever go on a date with someone that asks you how many men you've slept with and asks you for nudes before you even go on a date. How many men you've slept with is none of this internet strangers business.. And nudes in the hands of total strangers is dangerous (unless you don't care about them potentially being leaked). (Side note - I actually know quite a few people that have had long term relationships with people they met on tinder, I think it may depend on your region?) 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 15 hours ago, sandis1502 said: Also whenever he would talk about the inappropriate stuff or ask me questions about it (how many i've been with and how I don't send nudes right away) he told me he respected that a lot. Any guy who even hints about sex before you even meet is just looking for a hookup, period. Any time I've done online dating, I've immediately deleted and blocked any guy like this. Unless you're looking for the same, they're a complete waste of your time. 2
introverted1 Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 How is this even a thread? Girl meets boy online Boy tells girl he doesn't want a relationship Girl tells boy she doesn't know what she wants Girl and boy go on date Girl kisses boy Boy contacts girl to say (again) that he doesn't want a relationship, terminates contact Girl asks: did he really not want a relationship? 5
smackie9 Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Bored and lonely is a recipe for poor choices which leads to disasters. I think a lot of us have been there. The only real cure is to stop looking for male company as a remedy and enjoy socializing with friends, make new ones, join a group, find a hobby, exercise, pamper yourself, etc. 3 1
Watercolors Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 42 minutes ago, introverted1 said: How is this even a thread? Girl meets boy online Boy tells girl he doesn't want a relationship Girl tells boy she doesn't know what she wants Girl and boy go on date Girl kisses boy Boy contacts girl to say (again) that he doesn't want a relationship, terminates contact Girl asks: did he really not want a relationship? A++ 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 16 hours ago, sandis1502 said: I am actually proud of myself for not tolerating this and just going with it which would have ultimately left me in a situationship (again). The old me would have just went in with it and accepted FWB for the sake of keeping the guy around/pleasing him. This is what counts. Her decisions in the past weren't so great but she's making better decisions now. When I think about some of the stupid things I did in the past, I can only shake my head at how naive and clueless I was. 3
Author sandis1502 Posted September 3, 2020 Author Posted September 3, 2020 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: Just me, but I think it's wrong to be labeling men this way, "sociopath, narcissist," are you a psychologist? The things they did were so horrible I actually went to therapy and it was my psych and doctors who said that they most likely suffer from these
Author sandis1502 Posted September 3, 2020 Author Posted September 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: This is what counts. Her decisions in the past weren't so great but she's making better decisions now. When I think about some of the stupid things I did in the past, I can only shake my head at how naive and clueless I was.
bobjon Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 Sandi, I didn't see your age but I will mention, my ex was/is one of those types like you that HAS to have a partner at ALL times! It is only later that I realized that is a social disorder!! She is actually one of the worst humans I will ever have the displeasure of meeting and I hope you don't go down that road. When someone can jump out of a relationship, especially an LTR, to "the next" without pause, that is the hallmark of a shallow person. You can actually use this to vet your future turds. They say "some people heal quickly" and that is COMPLETE bullsh*&. They heal fast because there is no healing to do. You are shopping with your WAP, and will just have to learn other ways. I usually find the women with their tits hanging all out, or crack high shorts, they seem to reel in the "winners". Not saying you are that type, but we do use certain baits for certain fish we want to catch in fishing.... 1 1
poppyfields Posted September 3, 2020 Posted September 3, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, introverted1 said: How is this even a thread? Girl meets boy online Boy tells girl he doesn't want a relationship Girl tells boy she doesn't know what she wants Girl and boy go on date Girl kisses boy Boy contacts girl to say (again) that he doesn't want a relationship, terminates contact Girl asks: did he really not want a relationship? Her thread title asked (1) if he really wasn't ready for a relationship OR (2) he just wasn't into her. She already knew he didnt want a relationship, my take was she was wondering why, if it had anything to do with her. Not into her, whatever. It's a legit question, many people wonder about this. OP, it's impossible to know. But since he told you he didnt want a RL before really getting to know you, my take is that it has nothing to do with you, or not being into you enough, he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone. Agree with others, when a man asks you, before you've even met, how many men you've had sex with and brings up nudes, or any subject relating to sex, block and delete him. There are exceptions but generally speaking, nothing positive will result from that. He's looking for a hook up. Edited September 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1
OnlyHonesty Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 On 9/3/2020 at 1:59 AM, sandis1502 said: We did meet on Tinder. I only went on it to move on from my previous relationship and for an ego boost. But I realize it's a complete waste of time. Some believe we get what ever energy back, that we put out... 2
Author sandis1502 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Posted September 4, 2020 11 hours ago, bobjon said: They say "some people heal quickly" and that is COMPLETE bullsh*&. They heal fast because there is no healing to do. That is true. I don't think the relationships I was previously in were serious or that I felt a true intimate, deep and meaningful connection. I was only in it for the sake of being in it. The fact that I can quickly move on and that I don't even think about or recall much about my previous partner goes to show how little I truly cared about him. I am probably in love with the idea of love/dating but not the person itself. I think I should take a break until I can find the later.
Author sandis1502 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, bobjon said: It is only later that I realized that is a social disorder!! Do you know what it is called? Apparently people who jump from one relationship to another are called "relationship hoppers" Edited September 4, 2020 by sandis1502
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 11 hours ago, bobjon said: When someone can jump out of a relationship, especially an LTR, to "the next" without pause, that is the hallmark of a shallow person. Not necessarily, many people in LTRS disengage slowly, they realise it isn't working, they see no future but they hang on in there as they "love" the person too much to split. Choosing to hurt someone is never that easy However as time goes on the love gets less or there is a "last straw" moment, they then decide that it really is all over. It may take them a while to pluck up the courage to split but all the while they are deciding they do not want to be in this relationship any longer. They eventually spilt in order to be free to date others. Once free they move swiftly on, as they did all their grieving in the weeks, months even years they were thinking it all out. Dumpees tend to think that the heart break should be split equally down the middle, that both should be heart broken and devastated, but that is rarely true. The dumpee is heart broken and devastated, the dumper is usually moving on... sometimes excited to see what is out there, sometimes just relieved it is all over and they can start again with someone else...
Author sandis1502 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Posted September 4, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The dumpee is heart broken and devastated, the dumper is usually moving on... sometimes excited to see what is out there, sometimes just relieved it is all over and they can start again with someone else... I got dumped, well my ex just went ghost on me (that was his mature way of breaking up). I have been in a toxic cycle of dating someone new, breaking up, dating that person again, breaking up, dating another ex, breaking up, dating someone new, breaking up, dating that person again and then dating someone new. I usually give an ex a second chance and once that is over I know it is done for good and I seek out a new partner (usually find someone new/go out on a first date 1-2 weeks following a breakup). In all these breakups it was the guy who left me. Personally for me, I use moving onto the next one as my way of moving on. The very first heartbreak I felt was super brutal and painful for me. It took me 1 year to even be able to go on dates with people and even then I was still hung up on my ex and none of the dates led to anything more. For 1-2 more years after this I remained single. The reason why I have been relationship hopping lately is because I am scared that I will feel that same horrible pain again and also feel the need to have someone there to fill the void. My goal is to finally end this toxic cycle and to be happy single, focus on myself and build my life/career. I also want to stop using or having the urge to use dating apps and attempting to form these relationships. The next time I date I want it to be meaningful and natural. Sometimes, I do get the urge but lately i've been able to control it (ever since the date with the guy mentioned in this post was a flop). Edited September 4, 2020 by sandis1502
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 2 hours ago, sandis1502 said: I also want to stop using or having the urge to use dating apps and attempting to form these relationships. Yes, that's probably a good idea until you get to a happier place and can filter out the bad apples early on. This is why I said up-thread that if you're relationship-oriented, you need to drop the guys who ask for your body count or nudes before you even make it to the first date. It doesn't matter if they respect you for not revealing that - the fact that they even ask those questions to begin with means one thing: they want sex, and they have poor boundaries. Those are not the guys you want to continue engaging with at all, let alone agree to meet. Once you feel more confident in yourself, you will have no problem nixing the trashy, sex-hungry dudes in favour of true gentlemen.
DCGurly Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 On 9/2/2020 at 8:30 PM, sandis1502 said: Also it sounded like he just wanted to sleep around but realized I wasn't really down for that so maybe he found someone who was into a casual/FWB thing. Or maybe he was in a relationship the whole time considering those messages. I always felt that was code for I’m looking to hookup.
bobjon Posted September 4, 2020 Posted September 4, 2020 Just now, sandis1502 said: My goal is to finally end this toxic cycle and to be happy single, focus on myself and build my life/career. I also want to stop using or having the urge to use dating apps and attempting to form these relationships. The next time I date I want it to be meaningful and natural. Sometimes, I do get the urge but lately i've been able to control it (ever since the date with the guy mentioned in this post was a flop). Good on you for accepting my assessment in a positive way. I am VERY direct with people now. I totally gave up on relationships and it has given me the ability to see through people's bulls*** pretty easily. However, I would not make a good therapist because I am NOT optimistic about relationships. What Elaine said is complete bulls***. What she really means is horrible people 'stay' in a relationship they don't want, while they shop for a replacement. And when they find the replacement, they jump right to the next. It has nothing to do with 'love' for the other person. I will tell you when I totally stopped 'shopping', my ability to see through people got much better, especially women. You are 100% correct, you are infatuated with wanting a relationship. Women in their 20-30s will aggressively attach to about anything, because their friends have a +1, and there is peer pressure. If you go in with the mentality of "I do NOT need you", it will help you vet the turds. OLD and social media has completely ruined dating because people are convinced it is OK to 'shop' while being in a relationship. About 50% of OLD profiles I see from women say "just seeing what's out there". That is code for, "I'm in a half ass relationship, but I NEED to be in one, so looking to jump ship to the next one"...... You should not need to get on a forum for help vetting a good one. If your instincts take you to a forum for help, your instincts are not wrong, use them! 1
mortensorchid Posted September 9, 2020 Posted September 9, 2020 I'm sorry this happened to you. I am blue myself but so it goes ... It was just a ships that pass in the night kind of thing. Don't spend too much time on it, just move on.
Datingdisabled Posted September 9, 2020 Posted September 9, 2020 17 minutes ago, mortensorchid said: I'm sorry this happened to you. I am blue myself but so it goes ... It was just a ships that pass in the night kind of thing. Don't spend too much time on it, just move on. Why are you blue? I don't know if I'll ever encourage someone on this site but 5 days ago, I was disabled and bed bound. I got rejected and left by a man who was off with another women and both mobile. I worked hard to line up a contract and faced loosing that. I would face poverty and disability if I didn't take matters into my own hands. Now I have the right injections, medications, sports medicine, and I can go to work on Thursday and resume a healthy women again. I wasn't doing so well yesterday but I feel pretty good right now. Why are you blue? Maybe I can encourage you
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