Was he really not ready for a relationship or just not that into me?

[sandis1502]

So I met this guy and we started talking (over text) and we talked a lot since the conversation was easily flowing. Our personalities were alike so I felt that we clicked really easily and we also flirted with each other. Later on he asked me what I was looking for and I said I don’t know. He told me how he wanted to be honest and to let me know that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I told him it was too soon for me to even know the answer and would rather go with the flow and see where that leads, he agreed with this. Anyways he asked me out on a date. We met up and it was going okay and a little awkward at first then we really started opening up and the conversation was going great. So he wanted to continue the date and conversation so we went to a beach and walked around and talked non-stop. Anyways he dropped me off at home and I went in for a hung and realized he was going in for a kiss and as soon as I realized that I just kissed him back on the mouth and left. We kind of spoke that night after the date. But the next day he told me he that Im very smart and funny and all that but he is just not ready to date again after his previous relationship but had a great conversation and time with me. Today he randomly deleted me off of Instagram and snapchat. 

Also one really weird thing that stuck out. We were on the bench sitting down and I saw messages coming to his phone (couldn’t read what it said). But one of them was “” Then right after that he’s like I just remembered I made plans with my cousin at 7, let me drop u off home.

Edited September 3, 2020 by sandis1502

[Mrin]

Yeah. Multi dating. He picked someone else. It happens - and don't take it personally as you only had one date. Often it is more of timing issue.

[sandis1502]

5 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Yeah. Multi dating. He picked someone else. It happens - and don't take it personally as you only had one date. Often it is more of timing issue.

Also it sounded like he just wanted to sleep around but realized I wasn't really down for that so maybe he found someone who was into a casual/FWB thing. Or maybe he was in a relationship the whole time considering those messages. 

[Mrin]

Just now, sandis1502 said:

Also it sounded like he just wanted to sleep around but realized I wasn't really down for that so maybe he found someone who was into a casual/FWB thing. Or maybe he was in a relationship the whole time considering those messages. 

Definitely could be either. But good that you only invested one date in him. Doesn't sound like the guy for you!

[sandis1502]

5 minutes ago, Mrin said:

Definitely could be either. But good that you only invested one date in him. Doesn't sound like the guy for you!

Also whenever he would talk about the inappropriate stuff or ask me questions about it (how many i've been with and how I don't send nudes right away) he told me he respected that a lot. Maybe he went on a date to see where it would lead but realized he is really not looking for a relationship and only looking for FWB/casual and I was truly not willing to do that. 

I mean if he didn't find me attractive, would he have gone in for the kiss? I even kind of rejected it at first (felt like it was too soon) then just gave him one. 

[ccas93]

IMO dating is really weird right now. I think in many ways it's a tough time to build a serious relationship with someone, and more than ever it seems people are not looking for a relationship. A lot of people are relying on virtual reality more than ever to meet people, so there is stiff competition right now.  

[sandis1502]

11 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

A lot of people are relying on virtual reality more than ever to meet people, so there is stiff competition right now.  

We did meet on Tinder. I only went on it to move on from my previous relationship and for an ego boost. But I realize it's a complete waste of time. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

The feeling I'm getting is that he was looking or sex only. He had immediately bought up asking for nudes and he was clear about not wanting a relationship. He went in for a kiss to give it a shot anyway. You're just looking for different things.

[sandis1502]

13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

The feeling I'm getting is that he was looking or sex only. He had immediately bought up asking for nudes and he was clear about not wanting a relationship. He went in for a kiss to give it a shot anyway. You're just looking for different things.

I am actually proud of myself for not tolerating this and just going with it which would have ultimately left me in a situationship (again). The old me would have just went in with it and accepted FWB for the sake of keeping the guy around/pleasing him. 

[Watercolors]

You both definitely had different agendas on your date; he wanted to get laid and you wanted an ego boost after a hard breakup. 

Tinder? What can you expect. It's rife with guys looking for FWB situations. Tinder is far from the normal dating apps, like Match and eHarmony which have more quality guys who are interested in actual dating and relationships. 

Tinder is known as the app to get laid on. If you just want a FWB stay on Tinder. If you want something more serious, use a different dating app. 

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

He told me how he wanted to be honest and to let me know that he is not looking for a relationship right now.

He told you that he is not looking for a relationship, he was quite honest about that one. He didn't lie or mislead you. If he didn't get a vibe from you that you are also only after sex, and sex alone, just like him, very possible he just moved on. 

How well do you know him? For all you know he could be partnered/married and just looking for sex. Possible his girlfriend or wife found out about his extracurricular activities and put a kibosh to that. Or he decided that cheating on his partner wasn't worth it. 

Very possible he found you attractive and kissable, but  since you rebuffed him and someone else messaged him (possible a partner), well, maybe he decided not to proceed with you.

Edited September 3, 2020 by Alvi

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

He told me how he wanted to be honest and to let me know that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I told him it was too soon for me to even know the answer and would rather go with the flow and see where that leads, he agreed with this.

How is he misleading you all of the sudden? You told him you weren't interested in a relationship either. Were you lying? At least he was honest with you. It seems like you've set up a double standard here. He tells you he's not looking for anything serious with anyone, and you respond to him that you aren't either.

Yet, when you both hug goodnight, you assume he was trying to kiss you, so you kiss him. Now, all of the sudden, he's misleading you. But he isn't misleading you. So, yes, it is just you. That's the double standard. You claim you're not looking for anything serious, yet you actually are, once he tries to kiss you goodnight. 
 

Quote

Was he really not ready for a relationship or just not that into me?

No, he wasn't ready for a relationship and he told you that. Stop making assumptions. And as I said in my previous post here, you're using Tinder...a hookup app !!...because you just broke up with someone and your ego is bruised, so, in an indirect way, I think you are also looking to just get laid but you won't admit it. 

If you knowingly use a hookup app to meet guys, do not assume the guys you meet are looking for anything other than a ONS or FWB situation. Nobody I know who met their spouse online, used Tinder. They used more reputable dating apps. 

Part of me wonders if you are just bored, and lonely, from your breakup. So, you think using a dating app like Tinder will at least introduce you to new prospects for a good time or just someone to go out casually on a date with here or there. 

I think you're just better off nursing your bruised ego and not using dating apps until you have healed from your breakup. I don't think you're in the right frame of mind to be dating right now. You seem like you misread signals and make assumptions even after someone tells you the opposite. It's like you're not listening because he didn't tell you what you wanted to hear. So, you suddenly question his motives to fit the narrative you have going in your head. 

Edited September 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[sandis1502]

24 minutes ago, Alvi said:

How well do you know him? For all you know he could be partnered/married and just looking for sex. Possible his girlfriend or wife found out about his extracurricular activities and put a kibosh to that. Or he decided that cheating on his partner wasn't worth it. 

 

That message I saw on his phone with the 4 heart emojis makes me think there is someone serious in his life and he told me he had to go right after that. 

[sandis1502]

17 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

No, he wasn't ready for a relationship and he told you that. Stop making assumptions. And as I said in my previous post here, you're using Tinder...a hookup app !!...because you just broke up with someone and your ego is bruised, so, in an indirect way, I think you are also looking to just get laid but you won't admit it. 

I will admit I originally downloaded the app for an ego boost but also wanted somebody new to move on with (so a rebound). My relationship actually ended 2 weeks ago and his about a month ago. 

[sandis1502]

18 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Part of me wonders if you are just bored, and lonely, from your breakup. So, you think using a dating app like Tinder will at least introduce you to new prospects for a good time or just someone to go out casually on a date with here or there. 

 

That is exactly it 

[sandis1502]

24 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Part of me wonders if you are just bored, and lonely, from your breakup. So, you think using a dating app like Tinder will at least introduce you to new prospects for a good time or just someone to go out casually on a date with here or there. 

 

This is actually true. The guys I did meet on the app where I did end up in a relationship with them, they turned out to be cheaters (talking to, sleeping with and dating multiple others), liars, manipulators who just ended up using me (for sex and money). These guys in specific were textbook sociopaths and NPD. At least the recent guy was very honest and didn't lie/manipulate me. I always wondered why I attracted these type of low life scums (the 2 guys I entered a relationship with after meeting them on the app) and now I realize that I was looking in the wrong place. I actually end up in a cycle where as soon as it is over with a guy, I would be completely over them and onto a new guy (1-2 weeks later) or get back with the ex. I think I was just looking for somebody, anyone to date where it only lasts in the moment. Nothing serious or deeper. I realize this is a complete waste of time for me. I think it is best for me to just let go of trying to casually date someone where it only lasts in the moment. Maybe I should try focusing on myself and better my life, keep my standards high and attract the right man at the right time/place. 

Thanks. 

Edited September 3, 2020 by sandis1502

[Ami1uwant]

As others have said....he probably just wanted sex but not a serious relationship.

 

that said...to be fair...it does  happen that some people don’t know they are ready to date until they have a date.  Then they realize thry aren’t ready.

 

 

[DarrenB]

@Mrin summed it up perfectly. Classic case of multi-dating in a nutshell... 

Tinder is so well known for hookups and really short-term flings (ONS if you will) - a very small percentage of people currently on there are looking for the white picket fence, the pets, settle down etc.

Unfortunately it's a process you have to go through to better understand the other person and their intentions, and evidently his sole intention was to hookup with you and nothing more. As soon as you showed signs of reluctance he didn't want to proceed.

Take this as a learning experience and apply it for future reference. Maybe dating isn't something you need right now? that's something only you'd be able to truly know.

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by DarrenB

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, sandis1502 said:

This is actually true. The guys I did meet on the app where I did end up in a relationship with them, they turned out to be cheaters (talking to, sleeping with and dating multiple others), liars, manipulators who just ended up using me (for sex and money). These guys in specific were textbook sociopaths and NPD. At least the recent guy was very honest and didn't lie/manipulate me. I always wondered why I attracted these type of low life scums (the 2 guys I entered a relationship with after meeting them on the app) and now I realize that I was looking in the wrong place. I actually end up in a cycle where as soon as it is over with a guy, I would be completely over them and onto a new guy (1-2 weeks later) or get back with the ex. I think I was just looking for somebody, anyone to date where it only lasts in the moment. Nothing serious or deeper. I realize this is a complete waste of time for me. I think it is best for me to just let go of trying to casually date someone where it only lasts in the moment. Maybe I should try focusing on myself and better my life, keep my standards high and attract the right man at the right time/place. 

Thanks. 

See? 

You do know better. So, then do better. Change your patterns and your life will change. If your relationship pattern is to jump from relationship to relationship 1-2 weeks after each breakup, you are sabotaging yourself. You aren't giving yourself any time at all to emotionally and mentally process it. Is it because you don't like to be single? Do you feel pressure to be in a relationship b/c everyone else seems to be in one who you associate with? Why do you think you jump from loser to loser like you do? Obviously, you value yourself because you recognize that what you're doing isn't giving you what you deserve: a healthy, functional, romantic relationship with a stable man who isn't a work-in-progress. 

What is the longest you've stayed single before? Did it make you feel uncomfortable? Why? 

I think you are young enough where you can really do some introspection about yourself to figure out why you keep choosing these types of guys, whom you know aren't good for you in any way. 

Definitely keep your standards high. Set limits. Set boundaries. Have expectations. Be consistent with your standards, your limits, and your boundaries. Functional men with stability are attracted to women who are secure with themselves; who have their lives figured out, who aren't afraid to ask for what they want, and then walk, when they don't get it. 

[Pumaza]

i gues...never kiss on the firstdate.he told you hes not into more. so dont give him more. he may be cheating with you or was exploring his options ,which is bad to not tell you if so.move on.hes a idiot. for even seek for a kiss in less then 24 hours even.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

We did meet on Tinder. I only went on it to move on from my previous relationship and for an ego boost. But I realize it's a complete waste of time. 

He was upfront about only wanting a hookup. Try not to get too involved in texting. A stranger should not be picking you up at home. When he started to get  "inappropriate", is when you shut it down.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Get off tinder until you can screen better and make better choices.

[snowboy91]

6 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

At least the recent guy was very honest and didn't lie/manipulate me.

I think that's a good attitude to have. He said early on he wasn't ready for a relationship and was showing clear signs he was just out to have fun. You've had a bit of fun, he's gone to someone else, you've decided you want something more serious, and that was that. Overall, minimal harm done.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was just wanting to hook up. Worst case scenario he was already in a relationship as others mention, but there's no point dwelling on that as it doesn't change what you do next.

[elaine567]

9 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

Later on he asked me what I was looking for and I said I don’t know. He told me how he wanted to be honest and to let me know that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I told him it was too soon for me to even know the answer and would rather go with the flow and see where that leads, he agreed with this.

If you want a relationship then  "not looking for a relationship" does not mean "Lets just see where this goes" it means "I am not looking for a relationship ", so agreeing to see where it goes means you are fine with the no relationship deal...  ie fine with NSA sex.
Too many women (usually) seem to propose or agree to a "let's see where it goes" deal with men who have no intention of doing that, but are only looking for sex.
These women then get torn up when no proper relationship develops...
Their ego led them to believe that somehow he would find her so awesome,  that he would  change his mind.
Bad move.
When men say upfront they are not ready for or are not looking for a relationship, they are not saying that for fun... they mean it.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, sandis1502 said:

The guys I did meet on the app where I did end up in a relationship with them, they turned out to be cheaters (talking to, sleeping with and dating multiple others), liars, manipulators who just ended up using me (for sex and money).

These guys in specific were textbook sociopaths and NPD. 

I always wondered why I attracted these type of low life scums. 

Perhaps a better question to ask yourself is why you are (or were) drawn to men like this, such "low life scum," (your words), why you became attracted to them.

There are always signs, very early on, that I'm sure you noticed but chose to ignore.

Just me, but I think it's wrong to be labeling men this way, "sociopath, narcissist," are you a psychologist?  

You chose them after all; better to take responsibility for your own choices rather than label them as this or that after the fact. 

Jmo on that, I see it a lot on here. Women saying the most atrocious things about men they've dated or had relationships with.

Nevermind them, work on you, figure out what attracted you to them, why you chose them, dated them, willingly chose to have a relationship with them.

That said, it's great you have recognized your unhealthy pattern, and taking steps to break the cycle and make better choices! 

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by poppyfields

[alphamale]

10 hours ago, DarrenB said:

@Mrin summed it up perfectly. Classic case of multi-dating in a nutshell... 

Tinder is so well known for hookups and really short-term flings (ONS if you will) - a very small percentage of people currently on there are looking for the white picket fence, the pets, settle down etc.

Unfortunately it's a process you have to go through to better understand the other person and their intentions, and evidently his sole intention was to hookup with you and nothing more. As soon as you showed signs of reluctance he didn't want to proceed.

Take this as a learning experience and apply it for future reference. Maybe dating isn't something you need right now? that's something only you'd be able to truly know.

 

^^this