Feeling Guilty and Sad. What can I do?

[OrbitalKat]

I have a problem that is weighing on me, mainly because I feel guilty and I wonder what could I have done differently.  Sorry it's a bit long.

About 17 years ago I met a group of women on an online parenting forum. Over the years, we became friends and met in real life several times. Our kids were in a close enough age range to each other, although not all the exact same age. Overtime, I had a falling out with one of the group memebers, actually the big queen bee and I left the group. That was about 3.5-4 years ago. Everyone else stayed with her. I thought I was bullied by this woman and ostracized, she made me sad and upset and was talking about me behind my back, saying all kinds of nasty things that aren't true. The reason was that I usually did not do what she wanted and she didn't take well to not being obeyed.. She lashed out at others that dared to not do what she wanted before. For example if we went o a trip and I suggested a different date. Or if someone wanted a different hotel. She will lash out violently (verbally) and threaten the person.  But that's not why I am sad. I am very happy to have that group leader and her minions out of my life.  I can't just accept that kind of group leadership and I can't just go on with what someone like that wants all the time, I have my own life and opinions.

However, one of these so called minions, we will call her S, I  had a good opinion of and valued her friendship and we stayed friendly after the big blow out. She lives in a nicer place on one of the coasts and I live in MIdwest. Her son and my son were getting along very well when we were meeting and were talking online when apart. I was a single mom raising my son alone.  S's son was shy and did not have friends. She started to invite my son often to their house in their home state so the kids can be together for 2 to 4 days including travel days. It happened once or twice a year. I did invite them to mine over and over and over and over again. They only did come once and her kid complained loudly how boring and uniteresting is over here. So S kept asking my son to come and I would accept the invitations. I would usually put him on a plane and send money, ship food/cake gift whatever I could think of and thanking her for the hospitality and asking them to come visit. Every single time. She was saying it's better my son comes because they have more to do there and plane tickets are expensive anyway. This is why I wasn't going also, plane tickets were not that cheap. The kids were having fun and I was happy, everyone was happy.

However in time I heard that in the group my nemesis was angry that I was sending my son and was calling me a user. Made me upset, but I knew in my heart that S knew that wasn't true. It wasn't easy for me to fly my son there and I was doing it because she was inviting him and I believed the invitations were very sincere and she also wanted her son to have a friend over. My son had plenty of friends here. He enjoyed his time there of course.

Well time passed and the kids grew up and grew apart. They had different interests and didn't chat online much anymore. Now my son was 17 and started to work on some big projects outside of school. Pretty much ended up organizing some pretty large (200ish peopel) events in his field of interet and raising money for organizing them. He was extremely busy that year with a big event he organized. S wanted her son to "be more like my son" and be inspired and finally asked if her son can be at that event. The event wasn't in our town but 2h away. I said of course and my son said of course in January of that year (2019) and we were excited for him to join. Things however changed. I didn't know that at that time, and I think my son didn't quite clarify it to himself either, but my son was/is gay and in March started a relationship with one of the team members organizing this big event and soon after he came out to me.

For the event, the idea was that the team will come to our home and I plus son will drive them to the event 2h away. It was a huge amount of work. In fact my son ended up, the days leading up to that making multiple back and forth trips on his own to secure venue (that was weeks before actually, had meetings to find a venue) , set up , buy stuff etc. 

About a month or two (forgot exactly) before the event he comes to me and tells me that he doesn't think now that is a good idea for the out of state kid to come over. He argued that he didn't realize how much work and huge stress it is and he wouldn't have any time for him while being with the organizing team and doing pre , during and post event meetings. The extra kid will be disrupting the team.  I told him that's BS and the kid is coming to my house not to his house and it's impossible to univite him so I am not allownig him to even think about it and I will definitely not contact the mom to univite her kid especially since he visited them so many times . I opposed storngly. However, my son developed an extremely strong and stubborn personality and what did he do? He went to his room one evening and called the mom directly, explained it's not a good time and how he didn't realize what a huge task it is and he won't be able to give her son any attention at all and her son will have a bad experience and feel isolated, offered to reimburse them and buy tickets for them for one month after the event so he may focus solely on her son and spend time together. He said she was cool with it and understood.

I found out , I was mad and upset and sad and contacted the mom, apologized profusely, offered to send them reimbursement, she refused and insisted it was ok and they understand. I know it wasn't ok. But now she's not speaking to me. It's been 1.5 years since then. I reached out occasionally but she was kinda cold. I recently reached out again and she just didn't reply. I just asked how are they doing. She did read my message. 

I am sad and feeling guilty and embarassed. I know it was a bad thing my son did. I wonder  and search my mind for what could I have done to prevent this and /or how make things better. I believe he did that because he wasn't ready to come out and this one friend would have found out he was gay if he came and was part of the group. His group knew of course. 

Is there anything I can do now? Send a written letter. Send a check 1.5 years later? Maybe it was the money that I didn't send that made me seem like a horrible person? Maybe she thought I approved my son's actions? I think I'm also upset because now she must believe that what the one I had a falling out with is telling her about me being a user and whatever else is right and she's not.  I am sad to lose her as a friend and I really struggle to let this go this way. 

Or should I just let it go and accept that she'll think bad of me but friendships sometimes end? 

Edited September 2, 2020 by OrbitalKat

[ShyViolet]

21 minutes ago, OrbitalKat said:

 

Or should I just let it go and accept that she'll think bad of me but friendships sometimes end? 

Yes.  You should do this.... just let it go.

I'm sorry but I can't help but find it weird that you were putting your son on a plane halfway across the country for playdates with this other kid.  That just seems like.... a bit much.  It's much easier to have friends in your own area, rather than these long-distance situations.

23 minutes ago, OrbitalKat said:

About a month or two (forgot exactly) before the event he comes to me and tells me that he doesn't think now that is a good idea for the out of state kid to come over. He argued that he didn't realize how much work and huge stress it is and he wouldn't have any time for him while being with the organizing team and doing pre , during and post event meetings. The extra kid will be disrupting the team.  I told him that's BS and the kid is coming to my house not to his house and it's impossible to univite him so I am not allownig him to even think about it and I will definitely not contact the mom to univite her kid especially since he visited them so many times . I opposed storngly. 

I think you were being too overbearing.  Your son actually had a good reason for deciding that it wasn't a good time for the other kid to visit.  He was going to be in the midst of a very busy and stressful event and wouldn't be able to devote time to the other kid.  You demanding that the kid still visit and insisting that they couldn't postpone the trip was too pushy and just overbearing.  You said that by that point, the two boys had grown apart and weren't even chatting much online anymore.  At 17, your son should be able to make his own decisions to some degree.  He actually sounds like a very mature and responsible kid.  And your theory that it was because he is gay sounds like a bit of a reach.  You're just guessing, you don't know if that's the reason.  You need to back off a little.

Next time maybe don't get into messy long-distance friendships.  Stick to having friends in your own area.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like too much politics and seems to have lost its purpose of being a support/interest group.

Unfortunately that tends to happen with over involvement with it and too much time and energy spent on it 

Take a deep breath and step back from this. Get involved with other people interests and some real life friends.

Edited September 2, 2020 by Wiseman2

[OrbitalKat]

Thank you! It does make me feel better. I just don't like to feel like I did something wrong. The parenting part of it is a different and separate topic.

Being ostracized actually hurts whether the group is weird or not. It's an established fact. I'll just let it go and decide that : a. I didn't do anything wrong (as far as this decision was concerned-other wrong things I've done are debatable), b. my son didn't do anything wrong either since he offered to pay and postpone rather than cancel and they  got offended and didn't take it (I'm not saying whether they were wrong or not to be offended, it just is); c. friends come and go and this one was a friend for a season. As the kids moved on to their own interests and grew apart, so did we and that's fine.

Although not the topic, to reply to being weird for sending the son on a plane for a playdate, the location was appealing and I saw it as a vacation for him that I couldn't afford otherwise on just one salary. They had an ocean and warm weather. We are landlocked. Since they were inviting him persistently and sounding sincere, I did send him. That's why I do feel guilty and this is why the people I had the falling out with were calling me an user and had an issue with these trips, because maybe I wouldn't have sent him over if the location was different, just like she wasn't sending her son over "just for the playdate" in our unappealing location. She waited until 17 and when they had a stronger motive for that effort (her son branching out and attending this event) than just meeting my son. He wasn't that small though, it was between ages of 11 and 14. Before that we did go there but not for the playdate reason but just for the group to meet.

As far as why being overinvolved long distance, we are all from a small country and it was an ethnic connection. We are not from China or other large countries with plenty of immigrants in every little place.  But I do have other long distance friends I keep in touch and visit or travel with even now. For example I have one I met locally, not from my country, and she moved 8h driving distance away. We still meet twice a year. I do that. 

I do have enough friends locally as well. I've been working on it. Thanks again for your comments!

Edited September 2, 2020 by OrbitalKat

[d0nnivain]

I think the whole situation with the queen bee & being ostracized put you off kilter & made you question yourself.  That self doubt underpins the whole thing.  

The money is where it gets sticky. If the other family lost money on non-refundable tickets due to your child's last minute change of heart, they should have been reimbursed in a timely manner.  I'd send them the money now with an apology for the delay & an invitation to reconnect on the phone but beyond that this may be irreparable.  I think sending the money will assuage your conscience.  

[OrbitalKat]

I'd be happy to send the money. I'll do that today!  I think it will make me feel better. My son had told them that he can reimburse from the event funds on the spot and they rejected the reimbursment. I think I should have sent it anyway from my own money.

[elaine567]

I guess.
The mother S used your "friendship" to get her son a friend.
Once it was obvious the kids were not friends and your son cancelled the trip, she didn't need to be friends with you any more.

I guess she didn't know they had grown apart until the trip got cancelled and her son probably then told her. 

As for your son?
He did the right thing.

Edited September 2, 2020 by elaine567

[OrbitalKat]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I guess.
The mother S used your "friendship" to get her son a friend.
Once it was obvious the kids were not friends and your son cancelled the trip, she didn't need to be friends with you any more.

I guess she didn't know they had grown apart until the trip got cancelled and her son probably then told her. 

As for your son?
He did the right thing.

I think she did know they weren't talking anymore. I don't think she was sending her kid to see my son on this trip. She was sending her kid over to be part of this event to put on his  college admissions resume and to try and spark his interest in something. He apparently was very apathetic and uniterested in anything and she wanted to push him. My son said he called her son twice about this event. Once before the event and he just didn't seem to care about it at all. He continued to play videogames through my son's videocall and not really engage at all. And he also called him to cancel and postpone and my son said the kid didn't care at all. Then this is why he called the mom because he couldn't have a conversation with the kid.  My son offering to postpone didn't work for them because he wasn't coming for my son, he was coming for the event.

The event was open but it was long distance for them. This is why I opposed my son's idea to cancel. I told him I will take care of this kid and take him to the event, he is coming to me and I can't cancel on them after they've hosted you so many times before. My son said it's not going to work out and he will feel left out and me taking care of him isn't a solution. He said how do you think he will feel when we ignore him and he has to spend his time here with my mommy? The S mom wanted him at the event I guess and probably accuses me of not making it happen. Plus she lost the flight money. They could have flown him directly to the event on their own if that was that important, but it was a favor I was owing them to help them out with the kid's apathy I guess. And these events are (were pre-covid) all over the country, she could have sent him to another one closer to them, but I think she wanted me to do this favor because I owed them.

I also think that it is very much true that my problem is the ostracism. I felt it was just one person from that group I was part of that didn't shun me. I know from gossips transmitted to me by others that they were bashing me over there and I guess it hurts that the last person who didn't shun me now shunned me too and it does fill me with self doubt. I want to do the right thing whenever possible and I think I did screw up in some way in this case. At least I should have sent the money.

Edited September 2, 2020 by OrbitalKat

[OrbitalKat]

Surprisingly good turn of events, she actually replied after about 4 days and we chatted back and forth. The incident was not mentioned so I let it go. I'm very relieved.

[beentheredonethat77]

Your son sounds amazing... resourceful, independent and advocates for himself -- Id be a proud Mom.