TiredOfWaiting Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 There are no guarantees in life. My MM (of 3 1/2 years) told me in no uncertain terms on Sunday that we are OVER. This is after his D was final on the 29th of Nov. He still lives at home however. His reason is mainly that I am too emotional, and "pushed him over the edge". When I read old emails, I realise that I have been asking where I fit into his life for 10 months now, since his W started actual divorce proceedings. He has never committed to me in any way, shape or form. In the same period of time we have seen progressively less and less of each other, finally resulting in a month of almost NC besides the odd email at work. I was constantly accused of being too intense, or argumentative. It was a period which constituted mostly of me asking, pleading, questioning, and him withdrawing, going NC, and ignoring me. The more he withdrew, the more hysterical I became. I now believe that perhaps he got in over his head, never had any intention of going thru with D (but the W beat him to it) and never quite knew how to get "rid" of me completely. He says that my perception is incorrect and that he had a plan (that I was never aware of), but that I ruined it. Anyone been through this ultimate rejection, and any ideas on how to deal with it? I want to kill all hope I may still have left, as I cannot go thru this again.
OldEurope Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Dear Tired, I think you know instinctively what to do. You pull back. Waaaaay waaaaay back from all of this, to the point of a disappearing act. I know the logistics are not easy, but since I sense you two work together(?) I would consider finding another job, or at least taking some good time off--wherever he may be. No calls. No "explanations". No "closure" pleading. No "why". You have your "because". He feels you went overboard. Justified or not, he has shut down completely, on top of the emotional trauma of divorce. I have not been through same, but I know your emotions of panic and insecurity. Who does not. But part of the OW "game" if you will is that you have to have super human nerves of steel atop your patience and grit your teeth when you feel like you could grind through stone with them. Let this experience show you what emotional needs in your life are lacking, that you should so "live through" someone to the point of desperation, which will always suffocate another person. Eventually. I say this for the next and SINGLE gent you meet. A good lesson- learned. As for your MM--I am sure you still carry a torch and he is not going to just rid you of his mind overnight. If you want to make an immediate "correct" impression, BE THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT HE HAS GROWN TIRED OF. Be the reverse of the behavior that led to this blow up. This, again, means: cool, calm, withdrawn, busy, grown up, classy and QUIET. Let the air come into this and clean things out. You will not die. You will not fall apart or lose your way in life. You might wobble a bit, but stay on course. Just please promise yourself to pull way way back. Not even a "text". You have nothing more to say for now.
joodee Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 That's him being him. Anytime I would ask questions or stand my ground, the MM would always says I'm pushing him away, he had this planned for us, but now that I did this, the plan was ruined.
Art_Critic Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Try not to blame yourself.. You need to double delete ALL of his emails to you. A MM is out of touch with what he wants and once he is divorced he realizes that the OW isn't what he wants anymore. It isn't your fault..
whichwayisup Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Try not to blame yourself.. You need to double delete ALL of his emails to you. A MM is out of touch with what he wants and once he is divorced he realizes that the OW isn't what he wants anymore. It isn't your fault.. I agree with AC. First, yes, GET RID of all emails, IM's, recorded messages, whatever. Going back and reliving what you used to have with serves you no good purpose, unless you want to make yourself feel bad...And I don't think you need to do that to yourself. Make him NOT exist in your mind, body and soul. Forget him, he's not worthy of your thoughts whatsoever! GO out with your girlfriends, have some fun and just try your best not to put any focus on him. Time will heal all wounds, as corny as that sounds, it's so true.
foolinlove Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 TiredofWaiting...I understand where you are coming from to a point, and fear the same will happen with my MM once divorce goes through. A little background: MM and I have been..NC for 2 weeks...my doing..he broke it a couple times. He says that ..."He is concerned I am damaging our relationship by doing NC" and "i am hurting him greatly"...sure he is hurt and so am I. Will we lose the bond we have if we stay away from each other? Will he consider me bailing on him? Is he worried i won't be there for him if/once he goes through with D? My situation is similar to yours in the sense that I saw myself doing exactly that with him: being emotional, pushing for answers, being needy, crying, not happy. I saw myself becoming a person I hated. And I did not want to resent him for what "he was going to do" and never seemed to get done, so I walked. I left the door open to an "us" if he was single. I gave him too many years of my life for crumbs....and left the choice up to him. With that said..he is very insecure...needs reassurance from me...I just don't have that in me anymore. My fear is...time and space will put us on different paths...and we will lose what we had/could have. Dreamed of? Does that make sense? And he will push me away because I've lost my appeal? So I understand your confusion and your need to move on. I agree with both Art and OE, find YOU again. Find the person that he fell in love with...and maybe...just maybe...you two can see each other in a different life..standing on your own...with no obstacles. Focus on you girl....YOU are all YOU have. Being happy with you is a must...the rest will fall into place. I know the person who you've become...and i NEVER want to see her again. Good Luck!
foolinlove Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Why is he still living at home? Lost on that one..if they have been divorced for over a year?
curly Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Same thing (in a way) has happened to me. He moved out 2 weeks ago and we had a great time, very calm for a week. Then stuff happened over the weekend and he says we can't be together right now while he's dealing with his life. I am too much to deal with. I make him explain every move and I don't agree with his plans, timing, etc. It was a true mess. I made a complete fool of myself begging him to not do this. He only dug his heels in further. I have no idea if we'll be together but he has promised to NC until he's able to deal with me. Hmmm... so that's where you have it. Hurts like h*ll......
sunflower1008 Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 A MM is out of touch with what he wants and once he is divorced he realizes that the OW isn't what he wants anymore. Art, why do you say once a MM is divorced, he doesn't want the OW anymore?? I was thinking this too.....but am interested in your opinion.
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Art, why do you say once a MM is divorced, he doesn't want the OW anymore?? I was thinking this too.....but am interested in your opinion. One of the things that the OW never realizes is that they are the transitional girl.. The rebound if you will.. The MM doesn't know what he wants and uses the OW to fill an emotional void that he has because something in his marriage isn't fullfilling.. Once the marriage/void is dealt with the need for the OW is gone.. She was transitional.. and now she is heartbroken
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 That is why I always say in my advice, HOW can someone go from a marriage for xx amount of years, right smack into another relationship???? I just don't understand that. There HAS to be a grieving period and the person needs to be on their own.
Leid Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 I'm sorry to hear about your breakup... we've all been through it. Some folks just can't be honest. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, in that, even though he's not w/ the wife.. the D isn't final. I face a chance he MAY want to call it quits w/ me and want to be single for a while. I think the actual effect that your MM's D is finally over probably shocked him or maybe he just want to be alone and may have felt that way for a while and never told you how he truly felt. I agree w/ going NC to the point of a disappearing act. I've done this b/f in past (truly single) rlps w/ no regrets. It's the best thing to do...
TiredOfWaiting Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Thank you all for your honest feedback. Yes, I am going to be doing the disappearing act, so to speak. I have not contacted him and will not be. OldEurope - yes we work at the same company, but in different building. You are correct, I have NOTHING more to say. It has all been said before. I could not have tried any harder, I could not have made my feelings and desires more apparent, I could not have been more patient. The one thing I have done wrong is not to have heard and read the signs, and walked away a long time ago. Foolinlove - no his divorce only went thru 3 weeks ago. But he has steadfastly refused to move "until it suits him". And yes I have the same concern - all this time and space could change how either or both of us feel, or what we thought we wanted, and quite simply it could also just create a "gap" that would not have existed had we remained in contact. Curly - your comments are almost identical to what transpired in the last few months. Whichwayisup - wow, deleting those emails. I know its the right thing to do, because when I read them, it really drags me down and does more harm than good, and I get into Analysis Paralysis. But I am not ready to delete them yet. I got divorced 4 years ago (totally unrelated to exMM, did not even know him all that well then), we then became friends and he was an emotional lifesaver, which obviously progressed into more. If you think about it, ArtCritic, he was my rebound too. So that is one of the concepts I battle with - I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to help him thru this. We have always been able to talk and bounce things off each other, it has always been a very open and honest relationship - and now he doesnt want my help, my shoulder, or anything else from me. I just so badly wanted the last 3 1/2 years and the breakdown of his marriage, to have meant SOMETHING at the end of the day, to have lent meaning or purpose to the upheaval that everyone has had to go through.
newbby Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 ART!!! I actually agree with you. I came to this same conclusion myself. The ow is kind of the rebound before the real split has actually happened. This is why the mm usually ends up treating her abit sh*tty. He only takes what he needs from her, and sees what he needs too, that is all. Sometimes and very very rarely the mm has already worked through the feelings and emotionally let go of the marriage for a long time before he meets the ow, but not very often.
TiredOfWaiting Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Sorry, I see now why Foolinlove thought MM had been divorced for a year. Meant to have said, his D was final 29th of September (2005). Apologies. ;-)
LauraBancroft Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Go through a tug of war with their emotions. On one hand they can see leaving the wife and being with the OW (it's a change and exciting for them to relish that fantasy), but then they can also realize that if they leave their W they leave everything familiar and secure behind. So they do a back and forth type thing in their head. My best friend's ex MM did this to her in the beginning of their relationship. She was tormented and it really did a number on her. She fell in love with him from all the lovey dovey crap he was spilling on her. Such as, "I can actually live the rest of my life with you, you're so beautiful, you're the one I always wanted but thought I could never have", and the list could go on. Then they went NC due to him feeling, or so he says, overwhelmingly guilty about what he was doing to his wife. My best friend never contacted him again. She didn't plead, didn't beg, she cried of course for months. Then she got over it and was doing real good. They bumped into each other literally at the store he was working at and well they started texting again and pretty soon they were back in their illicit affair, only this time he was in love with her and not the other way around. She looked at it as just having some sexual fun, but he was in love. I don't need to go into what happened but it was all very scarey and very real. Affairs, OW, MM are all void fillers for a deeper problem. When the problem is solved you no longer have a need for a filler, so unfortunately despite the human filler's feelings, they still dump them and move on with the M or W. I'm sorry you're going through this but my advice would be to dump this guy and show him that you still have dignity and integrity and plan to get on with your life. There is nothing more comforting than taking charge and being confident with you. He may regret it, he may not, but don't waste your time thinking about it.
floatinglotus Posted October 15, 2005 Posted October 15, 2005 Hi, I was told I was being too emotional and that it was me who went too quickly (I think my Thai guy had a memory malfunction!). But alas, after all the tears, pain and hurt, I got up and got over it. It's strange how these men can turn the tables so quickly and the more you reciprocate their intensity, you're seen as the over emotional one. The big lesson here (apart from not ever ever getting into another situation like this again) is to never give yourself over too much to someone until that ring is on your finger. I don't really trust men anymore (though I'm a romantic at heart so I'm sure I'll get over that in time). You will pull through. FL
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