VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Met someone off Tinder. Not sure what to think of things. I like her and would like to keep dating her and see where things go. What has gone on to date is... - First date seemed great. Met for a few drinks, went for a romantic walk on some docks that evening, hand holding, kissing, etc. About 7-8hrs together total. - Asked what she was looking for on that first date. Said she has trust issues because of her alcoholic ex. Never said what she actually wants. - I reached out about three days later to set up another date. Said she was spending the weekend visiting her cousin, then leaving to visit a friend in CA for a bit (and based on Tinder distance, this seemed legit). - After she got back, asked her out again (this was now three weeks or so later). Went out for drinks again, ended up back at my place. Had sex, spent the night, she cuddled me all night long (she literally kept pressing herself up against me cuddling all night long), brought her home the next morning. - Any time I try calling her (three times now since we started talking) she never answers. Always texts back fairly quickly though. - Never texts/calls me first, although when I do ask her out, she does seem excited. - Last time I tried asking her out (about three days after the second date) she said she had plans with her girlfriends for the coming weekend already and couldn't (a birthday). I'm frustrated that I'm always the one making the effort and that the majority of the time she has something going on. Figured it was other men but she claimed it had been six months since she had sex. The sex certainly wasn't bad either considering she was very shocked I was able to make her orgasm while she was drunk that night. Said that normally can't happen. Made it happen again multiple times the next morning. From what she said doesn't seem like there is other men. From her actions though, she doesn't seem that into me. I don't know the best way to handle this? A part of me feels like I should back off and give her time to reach out to me. Another part feels like because of her trust issues (and seeming passivity from what I've gathered), she isn't the type who will take that type of initiative. I am tempted to just be straight-forward and tell her that since I'm always the one reaching out and most the time she isn't available, I feel like she isn't that interested. Just let her know that if she is interested, to feel free to reach out whenever. And if is just going to be sex, I'm ok with that too, but again she needs to make a bit of an effort here to make plans too. It's just really frustrating that I keep making the effort. I also don't want to just give up. Suggestions?
Ami1uwant Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Just don’t call or text and just wait for her. 3
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) I wouldn't say what you suggested above. OMG, please please don't. It sounds petulant and (sorry) kind of like whining. She already KNOWS you're the one always initiating...and the out of town thing seems to come up three-quarters of the time around here when it's a blow-off. People sign up on a dating app, quickly want to start dating the person, then all of a sudden they're going out of town, plus their best friend is coming to stay with the weekend after and...so on...really? Dude.... Sure, the out of town thing be legitimate, but in conjunction with everything else...it's pretty clear she doesn't like you that way. Once in a while, when you can get her to go out with you, she likes having sex. Otherwise she isn't bothering. You can't lay down the terms. You want to tell her she "needs" to initiate if she wants just sex...I mean you can barely drag her into a date as it is. I'm sorry but she'll laugh at that, or just ignore it. If you want to be a FB, and only when you've begged her to see you several times and she finally deigns to let you see her, then you maybe can sustain this...or not, if she really gets bored. That's up to you, if you want to beg and wait an maybe just wind up ghosted, but I'd be walking. Just...nah. Aren't you worth more than that? Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 5
FudgeSwirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 The fact that it has been several weeks and you only have been on two dates is really telling of her interest level because even when people have plans and trips, they make time or at least say something like, "I can't go out Friday because of _________ but when are you free next week?" If you really are okay with just having sex with her with no strings attached you will have to accept her behavior and her willingness to go out with you only once in a while. 3
Author VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 19 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I wouldn't say what you suggested above. OMG, please please don't. It sounds petulant and (sorry) kind of like whining. She already KNOWS you're the one always initiating...and the out of town thing seems to come up three-quarters of the time around here when it's a blow-off. People sign up on a dating app, quickly want to start dating the person, then all of a sudden they're going out of town, plus their best friend is coming to stay with the weekend after and...so on...really? Dude.... Sure, the out of town thing be legitimate, but in conjunction with everything else...it's pretty clear she doesn't like you that way. Once in a while, when you can get her to go out with you, she likes having sex. Otherwise she isn't bothering. You can't lay down the terms. You want to tell her she "needs" to initiate if she wants just sex...I mean you can barely drag her into a date as it is. I'm sorry but she'll laugh at that, or just ignore it. If you want to be a FB, and only when you've begged her to see you several times and she finally deigns to let you see her, then you maybe can sustain this...or not, if she really gets bored. That's up to you, if you want to beg and wait an maybe just wind up ghosted, but I'd be walking. Just...nah. Aren't you worth more than that? Only reason I was considering saying anything is I have a friend of mine (also a woman) who said I might want to just be straight-forward. My friend said she acts a lot like this woman, even if she is interested in a man, just because she wants to make sure the man is going to make an effort and not just use her when he feels like it. She said she makes the man "earn" her time by putting in some effort at first, but then starts taking initiative herself later. She actually said if a man called her out on it though and she liked him, she would reciprocate interest (if she did indeed have interest). Just very confusing that the sex seemed great from what she said, very affectionate with me when with me, has told me she is "normally not like this with people, but likes me" and more. Everything she says and does when with me shows me she is very interested. Everything she does when we aren't together shows me she isn't. I've never dealt with this before, and I've dated a lot over the years. 1
Author VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, FudgeSwirl said: The fact that it has been several weeks and you only have been on two dates is really telling of her interest level because even when people have plans and trips, they make time or at least say something like, "I can't go out Friday because of _________ but when are you free next week?" If you really are okay with just having sex with her with no strings attached you will have to accept her behavior and her willingness to go out with you only once in a while. Yea, guess I will just have to take it at that. I think I might wait another week or two before even bothering to reach out. I mean the sex was a lot of fun, so I wouldn't mind that if not anything else. A no strings thing is fairly new to me, so not sure of the best way to maintain that? Just reach out to her every couple weeks or something last minute and keep it simple, drinks and my place?
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, VelvetQ said: Yea, guess I will just have to take it at that. I think I might wait another week or two before even bothering to reach out. I mean the sex was a lot of fun, so I wouldn't mind that if not anything else. A no strings thing is fairly new to me, so not sure of the best way to maintain that? Just reach out to her every couple weeks or something last minute and keep it simple, drinks and my place? The problem is that it isn't just you who maintains it. Given how hard it is to get her to meet up, you can't assume she'll say yes when you call every couple of weeks. You are eager and she is way less into maintaining anything so you won't be able to make this decision. You'll need to realize you'll be chasing, chasing, chasing for maybe sex or maybe not, which she could cut off at any time as she is the one who really isn't invested. As for your friend, come on. You would probably see something very different if she were into the guy. If you want to attempt to see this girl again you have to accept that with her investment (ETA: sorry, I meant lack of investment), you will be working a lot for possibly no return at all. If you are okay with that then accept it, and call her in a couple weeks with no expectations, or else you could wind up hurt. Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
FudgeSwirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 10 minutes ago, VelvetQ said: Yea, guess I will just have to take it at that. I think I might wait another week or two before even bothering to reach out. I mean the sex was a lot of fun, so I wouldn't mind that if not anything else. A no strings thing is fairly new to me, so not sure of the best way to maintain that? Just reach out to her every couple weeks or something last minute and keep it simple, drinks and my place? The problem with Friends with Benefits is that there are no rules. The frequency in which you meet up might be twice a month or maybe every three months. Another problem is that many people think the uncertainty or no strings attach won't bother them and they find they want something more. If being rejected every two weeks a few times before she says yes to meeting up, go for it. If deep down you would rather find someone interested in an actual relationship where you won't ever have to worry about the next time you will get to see each other all the time, don't even bother contacting her and find someone that is looking more more than a hook up. 3
Author VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 Thanks for the feedback from both of you. Based on what you've both give me I'm definitely backing off. It was just so odd how interested she seemed to be when with me. Nonetheless she certainly doesn't show it when not with me. Who knows what her deal is, but you're both right, best to assume she has no interest and walk away. Thank you. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, VelvetQ said: Thanks for the feedback from both of you. Based on what you've both give me I'm definitely backing off. It was just so odd how interested she seemed to be when with me. Nonetheless she certainly doesn't show it when not with me. Who knows what her deal is, but you're both right, best to assume she has no interest and walk away. Thank you. I am sorry. I know this is no fun. Gotta protect yourself. 1
Calmandfocused Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 3 hours ago, VelvetQ said: My friend said she acts a lot like this woman, even if she is interested in a man, just because she wants to make sure the man is going to make an effort and not just use her when he feels like it. She said she makes the man "earn" her time by putting in some effort at first, but then starts taking initiative herself later. She actually said if a man called her out on it though and she liked him, she would reciprocate interest (if she did indeed have interest). Just very confusing that the sex seemed great from what she said, very affectionate with me when with me, has told me she is "normally not like this with people, but likes me" and more. Everything she says and does when with me shows me she is very interested. Everything she does when we aren't together shows me she isn't. I've never dealt with this before, and I've dated a lot over the years. Is your friend single op? I would strongly advise that you do not do as suggested above. There are women on this forum who are so habituated to giving men the “I don’t give a damn” attitude that they never get anywhere after a date or two. Don’t follow this advice. Instead just let her know that you’re interested and ask her to let you know when she’s free. Then back off and get busy with life and other women. Finally you seem very focused on what this woman says to you. Forget what she says, this doesn’t hold any relevance at this point. What you need to be focusing on is what she does and her behaviour. I’m sensing that her heart is elsewhere and she’s keeping you on the back burner but only time will tell. 3
chillii Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) low interest. Nothing you can do if she comes around on her own from here she does but l doubt it., Edited August 31, 2020 by chillii 2
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: Is your friend single op? I would strongly advise that you do not do as suggested above. There are women on this forum who are so habituated to giving men the “I don’t give a damn” attitude that they never get anywhere after a date or two. Don’t follow this advice. Instead just let her know that you’re interested and ask her to let you know when she’s free. Then back off and get busy with life and other women. Finally you seem very focused on what this woman says to you. Forget what she says, this doesn’t hold any relevance at this point. What you need to be focusing on is what she does and her behaviour. I’m sensing that her heart is elsewhere and she’s keeping you on the back burner but only time will tell. I hope you're not referring to me, but FWIW I've been married for 18 years and had LTRs beforehand. I got past the second date. This isn't about being habituated to give attitude. It's about this woman obviously not being invested in the OP, which you then go on to agree with in your post. You warn the OP not to listen to our advice and then move on quickly to give the same advice. So for the most part we here all seem to be in agreement but the OP will of course make his own decision. Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Alcoholic, abusive ex? And she forewarned you on the first day? That's a huge red flag. Even if you had sex she's probably on/ off with this guy. That's how those things tend to work. She mentioned that on your first meet so that's what was on her mind. 2
Calmandfocused Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 3 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said: I hope you're not referring to me, but FWIW I've been married for 18 years and had LTRs beforehand. I got past the second date. This isn't about being habituated to give attitude. It's about this woman obviously not being invested in the OP, which you then go on to agree with in your post. You warn the OP not to listen to our advice and then move on quickly to give the same advice. So for the most part we here all seem to be in agreement but the OP will of course make his own decision. You completely misunderstood my post. I was referring to the Ops friend that he made reference to. Nothing about you CG in any way shape or form. And even if I had disagreed with you I’m entitled to do so. It doesn’t make you right and me/ others wrong. It’s not all about you CG! Op, you’ve got some great advice. Keep us updated with what happens. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 I am a happily married woman with a history of long term relationships before that. This woman may legitimately have a busy social schedule & may be struggling to fit you in but a truly interested woman would give you alternate dates. Also I don't like the fact that she has never answered when you phone her to talk. She only texts. That screams immature & /or hiding something to me (i.e. she's on a date with another man & can't answer). It's not that she's not allowed to date because you too aren't exclusive but it helps to show how far down her list of priorities you are. I would be OK with you opening a conversation about this. Playing games by backing off won't get you answers, nor will it make her chase you. She's definitely all about the gender roles of the guy chases & she gets to sit on her hands acting like some kind of prize. If you can manage a 3rd date, when you are parting tell her to call you. Don't ask. Don't beg. Don't demean yourself. Just say something like "This was fun. Call me when you want to get together again. You don't answer when I call you & you only text me back. So you call me next time." Kiss her lightly & walk away. 4
Hotmess118 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 I think it's worth being honest with her and having a conversation about it. It's hard to navigate situations where one of the persons involved has trust issues. If I were in your shoes I would just want to know and I don't think there's a reason to play games. 1
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 11 hours ago, VelvetQ said: Said she has trust issues because of her alcoholic ex. He will be messed up and she will be messed up. Leave them to it... With all this sketchiness and shadiness and being "busy" and never answering her phone, I guess you are not the only fish in her pond... it may even be the ex... these toxic type relationships have a habit of being prolonged, don't be the white knight... As for the sex and the affection, I guess there is more neediness there than actual caring. Men put too much store on sex being an indication of feelings and caring in women. It often isn't. 3
poppyfields Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, VelvetQ said: My friend said she acts a lot like this woman, even if she is interested in a man, just because she wants to make sure the man is going to make an effort and not just use her when he feels like it. She said she makes the man "earn" her time.... I'm sorry this^ mentality is f'ckrd as far I'm concerned and I'm a woman! Stay away from women like this, who make you jump through hoops like a puppy, and if you comply, she will grace you with her presence. Arghh!! Self-entitlement to the nth degree plus it reflects a general lack of trust in men, and mate, you do NOT want to get involved with a woman like that! The shyt-testing will never end, she will forever be needing you to "prove" your love and if you don't to her satisfaction, you will pay the price. I think it should go both ways. Both people putting forth effort, and being open and available to each other's efforts. NOT making a point to be unavailable to see how high he will jump! Proceed at your own risk mate. Edited August 31, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 You need to screen better before and during the meeting. 1
kismetkismet Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 She could honestly just be busy. None of the things you mentioned sound terribly far fetched, and I have a couple of friends that refuse to initiate dates or conversations until they've been on several dates with someone because they think the guy should be the one doing the 'chasing' (I do tell them it's sexist and stupid, but they don't always listen). I also never answer my phone because it's always on silent and I hate talking on the phone lol. I would probably reluctantly phone back at some point though.. BUT the fact that she responded to your "what are you looking for" question by saying she has trust issues from an alcoholic ex, strongly implies that she's not looking for anything too serious. The standoffish behaviour could also be a symptom of that because she may not want to be vulnerable right now. 2
Author VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 Thanks again for all the additional feedback. The last time I tried to reach out to her, I did tell her to feel free to text or call me whenever she got a chance. She never got back to me. I sort of feel like I already left that ball in her court, and have tried on multiple occasions to let her know I'm interested, so I feel like I'm beating a dead horse in that regard now. On top of that, while getting her to reach out to me is like pulling teeth, she added another photo to her profile. So, she will make an effort with her profile, but not me. Nope, not worth it. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: You completely misunderstood my post. I was referring to the Ops friend that he made reference to. Nothing about you CG in any way shape or form. And even if I had disagreed with you I’m entitled to do so. It doesn’t make you right and me/ others wrong. It’s not all about you CG! Op, you’ve got some great advice. Keep us updated with what happens. Who said all? I was speaking directly to you and your one specific post and said so. You said you were speaking about women "on this forum," which is why I thought you were speaking about women on this forum. Glad this has been cleared up. Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 19 minutes ago, VelvetQ said: Thanks again for all the additional feedback. The last time I tried to reach out to her, I did tell her to feel free to text or call me whenever she got a chance. She never got back to me. I sort of feel like I already left that ball in her court, and have tried on multiple occasions to let her know I'm interested, so I feel like I'm beating a dead horse in that regard now. On top of that, while getting her to reach out to me is like pulling teeth, she added another photo to her profile. So, she will make an effort with her profile, but not me. Nope, not worth it. So you did invite her to reach out. I think you're wise to move on. Do you have any other dating prospects? 1
Author VelvetQ Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 24 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: So you did invite her to reach out. I think you're wise to move on. Do you have any other dating prospects? Not really. It's hard for me to find my type. That's what makes situations like this so frustrating to me. But, I'll just have to be patient and wait for the next one to come along.
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