I may have ruined things with someone who really meant a lot to me for simply sharing my Xbox Live Gamertag....

August 31, 2020

I have to say, I'm not getting the vibes that she really meant alot to you like you've stated. She told you she was sick and you didn't even bother to check on her nor did you even sound worried. Even till now, you are making all kinds of excuses as to why you couldn't/didn't/wouldn't call or text her while at the same time talked about the people you were out dating after her right up to 2 nights ago. Yeah, nope. I don't think she meant that much to you. Up till now, you are still more concerned about how she may or may not have found your reddit post history over her health. Knock on wood, she may have been hospitalised or died from covid for all you know. But, your only concern is still what she may or may not have found when she may or may not have googled you. Seriously?

12 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

Truth be told I think I’m destined to just have a casual dating life with meaningless sex. This is the second I’ve fell for someone and it always ends in disaster. All my fault. I’m insecurities, negative thoughts, and issues are amplified x10 whenever I fall for someone.

Relationships (be it romantic or interpersonal ones) all need work, communication, compromise and sacrifice for it to work and turn into meaningful and fruitful. From the way you've described things, it doesn't sound like you've put in any effort. So of course all your encounters are going to be superficial and meaningless. I second the suggestion of working on yourself and getting your house in order before going out to date.

Edited August 31, 2020 by assertives

August 31, 2020

Hey man, I feel you, I went through a stage in my life/dating life much like the one you're going through. Minus the gamertag/reddit thing I almost felt like I could have written this at one point. It will get better as you get older and more confident, as long as you're willing to work on yourself.

August 31, 2020

18 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

Hey man, I feel you, I went through a stage in my life/dating life much like the one you're going through. Minus the gamertag/reddit thing I almost felt like I could have written this at one point. It will get better as you get older and more confident, as long as you're willing to work on yourself.

Thanks man I appreciate the words.

a lot of people are s***ting on me, and rightfully so. I messed up a good thing (probably, the Reddit thing still may be true, but either I messed up wether it was the Reddit thing or communication, or lack of, thing).

but it’s starting to feel like some people on here don’t understand what it’s like to be plagued with negative thoughts and insecurities 24/7, always of overthinking, having to pretend like you’re not because a man can’t afford to be insecure and has to be confident 24/7. And then have dating experiences they seem to confirm your thoughts and insecurities..

She never updated me on her sickness despite telling me she would. I didn’t say anything cause I was afraid of being needy and clingy. Simple as that. I did mean to be an a**h*** whatsoever. These commentS have made me change my perspective and put myself in her shoes. Yes I messed up bad probably, it is what is. What’s done is done. Like other have said it’s beyond repair, and I can only move on.

Edited August 31, 2020 by CarAndZam

August 31, 2020

16 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

Thanks man I appreciate the words.

a lot of people are s***ting on me, and rightfully so. I messed up a good thing (probably, the Reddit thing still may be true, but either I messed up wether it was the Reddit thing or communication, or lack of, thing).

but it’s starting to feel like some people on here don’t understand what it’s like to be plagued with negative thoughts and insecurities 24/7, always of overthinking, having to pretend like you’re not because a man can’t afford to be insecure and has to be confident 24/7. And then have dating experiences they seem to confirm your thoughts and insecurities..

She never updated me on her sickness despite telling me she would. I didn’t say anything cause I was afraid of being needy and clingy. Simple as that. I did mean to be an a**h*** whatsoever. These commentS have made me change my perspective and put myself in her shoes. Yes I messed up bad probably, it is what is. What’s done is done. Like other have said it’s beyond repair, and I can only move on.

Yep I've been there. Even today I still sometimes make that mistake of not contacting to avoid seeming clingy, but then really just coming off as aloof and uninterested, and the girl wonders what's going on with me. It's hard because like you, I've had a couple sort of 'traumatic' experiences of being blind sided/ghosted/etc. Unfortunately, with how modern dating is, the next person is only a swipe away, so your fears of getting ghosted and/or used once or twice and then nexted are real. Anyway, not trying to throw you a pity party, just letting you know I understand where you're coming from. You just have to care less about the outcome, and adopt an abundance mentality. You're very young and have no problem getting dates, who cares if the girl you're on a date with tonight works out?

August 31, 2020

Alright, time to suck it up and contact her. I think it is way more likely that she thought you ghosted her while sick than that she googled your username, especially since she still added you on the xbox thing a while after you gave her the username and after you already deleted your account (from the sounds of it).

Reach out and tell her that you hope she's okay and at first you thought she needed some time alone to recover but as you didn't hear from her you started to get anxious and overthink things. Apologize for messing up/having gone quiet and say the last thing you wanted was her to feel liked you ghosted her in her time of need. And then she may or may not forgive you.

Let the reddit thing go, she may not have seen it for all you know. Everyone has their deepest, most private thoughts to be aired and a woman who is truly into you already will understand if she's worth her salt (unless you were somehow sexist or talked about banging people in derogatory ways, etc.). I get that everyone has a vulnerable side and as I grow into intimacy with someone, I want to know what those things are so that I can help a person feel loved in the way that they need, but that might just be me.

Anyway, sounds like you had a nice thing with this woman and that you should make amends either way so she isn't reeling over getting ghosted by a guy who took her virginity.

Edited August 31, 2020 by healing light

August 31, 2020

2 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

I didn’t say anything cause I was afraid of being needy and clingy. Simple as that.

You have a number of issues that would take me too much time to give you advice about, so I will stick to just one.

Life lesson: When 2 people feel the same about each other, there is NO such thing as being too needy or too clingy. Only time being too needy or clingy will come into the equation is if the interest levels are not matched.

So next time you meet someone that matches you interest level, do not hold back.

August 31, 2020

3 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

But it’s starting to feel like some people on here don’t understand what it’s like to be plagued with negative thoughts and insecurities 24/7, always of overthinking, having to pretend like you’re not because a man can’t afford to be insecure and has to be confident 24/7. And then have dating experiences they seem to confirm your thoughts and insecurities..

She never updated me on her sickness despite telling me she would. I didn’t say anything cause I was afraid of being needy and clingy. Simple as that. I did mean to be an a**h*** whatsoever. These commentS have made me change my perspective and put myself in her shoes. Yes I messed up bad probably, it is what is. What’s done is done. Like other have said it’s beyond repair, and I can only move on.

True. I've not waked in your shoes. I may have my own emotional scars, but I will never know exactly what it's like to be you. If it is at all possible, get yourself some professional help. Do what you can to deal with your limitations/ challenges with the help of a qualified professional. Going the DIY route will only take you so far. And you do owe it to yourself to do the best that you can to deal with the negatives that life dumps on you. If after doing everything reasonably possible, you still fail, you are allowed to shrug your shoulders. But, until then, you have to keep striving.

Please don't just leave things hanging with your lady friend. Yes, you messed up. But you can correct some of that. Not so that you can resume your relationship, but so that she knows that she didn't do something wrong and that you actually genuinely cared about her. It is deeply wounding when someone you shared something special with apparently walks out on you when you're at your most vulnerable. So send her a heartfelt message. Apologize for going underground. Tell her you hope she's okay. That you're sorry you didn't check on her when you should have. That it's not her fault. You have been having some personal problems. You are dealing with them, but they make it difficult for you to be as reliable and attentive as you should be.

August 31, 2020

7 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

Rejected in the sense that I don’t get second dates. Yes sometimes I make a physical move and I get rejected and tell me they don’t want to go all the way. Other times I hook up.

But like 2 nights ago, we agreed we’d eat at a taco place then drink it up at my place. It was a nice diner, but after we done eating and left she cut it short as she said “my friend drank too much and is a bit f***ed so I gotta pick her up.”.

texted her last night and she replied but i can tell she’s not to the convo, and hasn’t replied to my last text. So basically I mostly get rejected in the sense that they’re not interested in going for a second date.

What did you text to her? An apology and "can we talk this out"? ETA: Oh, wait, sorry, is this a different girl?

Edited August 31, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

August 31, 2020

45 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

What did you text to her? An apology and "can we talk this out"? ETA: Oh, wait, sorry, is this a different girl?

Yeah different girl. I’ve been trying to move on from the girl in the OP by going back to the tinder thing again. I’ve had 3 meaningless one night stands so far.

Been rejected by like 3 -4 others. Or rather they’ve decided to pursue things with me.

Edited August 31, 2020 by CarAndZam

September 1, 2020

13 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

Rejected in the sense that I don’t get second dates. Yes sometimes I make a physical move and I get rejected and tell me they don’t want to go all the way. Other times I hook up.

But like 2 nights ago, we agreed we’d eat at a taco place then drink it up at my place. It was a nice diner, but after we done eating and left she cut it short as she said “my friend drank too much and is a bit f***ed so I gotta pick her up.”.

texted her last night and she replied but i can tell she’s not to the convo, and hasn’t replied to my last text. So basically I mostly get rejected in the sense that they’re not interested in going for a second date.

Ok good to hear that you are using that as a measure rather than how far you get physically--it wasn't clear to me. One thing is you need to stop overthink and focusing on yourself and all your thoughts about yourself. it would help to just DO. Try not to judge yourself so much.

a) that taco date isn't necessarily bad (it might be/it might not be). If it was a first date, she might not have wanted to really go to your place. Like a too much, too soon, for her--not ABOUT you. b) first dates are notoriously hit & miss. c) maybe she actually had to go help her friend.

If you get out of your own head about yourself, I'd place a big bet on your ability to connect with people will go up. Try to focus on them. At the same time, you are qualifying people to enter your life as well, not just judge yourself on being able to gain access to theirs. I mean of all these first dates aren't some of these girls YOU have absolutely no interest in seeing again? Statistically that should be the case.

I agree that you probably should do some therapy. So you can get out of your own way. If you hadn't TOLD me all those things about your past, I wouldn't have known them--which on one hand means you are past them unless you remind people through your actions or words that that is WHO you are. People evolve try to give yourself credit for that.

ps online & apps are notoriously brutal on the ego. They say you should not overdo it with the choices--that this actually confuses people & makes them dismissive of others. You'd probably do better to choose a little pickier & work those relationships in a better fashion.

Edited September 1, 2020 by Versacehottie

September 1, 2020

11 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

You’re probably right, though underestimate what’s on that Reddit account. It’s ugly..,

But I doubt I’m gonna date anybody serious is this way ever again.

Sounds like you are pretty brain washed by subreddit hate groups. No wonder you're concerned people could identity you in those hate groups.

Get to a doctor/therapist to deprogram from red pill, pua, etc.

September 1, 2020

I'm more concerned about your lack of empathy for her. You're so obsessed with your own issues that it's more important to you to pump up your ego by getting laid with random people than to clean up the mess you made by abandoning this woman when she was down and out, at least by apologizing. I agree you need therapy.

September 1, 2020

21 hours ago, ccas93 said:

Yep I've been there. Even today I still sometimes make that mistake of not contacting to avoid seeming clingy, but then really just coming off as aloof and uninterested, and the girl wonders what's going on with me. It's hard because like you, I've had a couple sort of 'traumatic' experiences of being blind sided/ghosted/etc. Unfortunately, with how modern dating is, the next person is only a swipe away, so your fears of getting ghosted and/or used once or twice and then nexted are real. Anyway, not trying to throw you a pity party, just letting you know I understand where you're coming from. You just have to care less about the outcome, and adopt an abundance mentality. You're very young and have no problem getting dates, who cares if the girl you're on a date with tonight works out?

I’m wondering, you said you used to be this way. How did you get out of this mindset I currently have?

September 1, 2020

All of this agonizing and you still haven't called her to at least try to apologize???

September 1, 2020

1 hour ago, CarAndZam said:

I’m wondering, you said you used to be this way. How did you get out of this mindset I currently have?

A lot of it was just getting older and improving my self esteem and social skills. at 24, I found a new career I was really proud of and that made me feel a lot better about my place in society. Also, as I started getting into my mid 20s, I started realizing how many people there are on the planet and how insignificant their opinion is of you. You really have to look at it like if a girl doesn't want a second date with you, then it's her loss. You have to truly believe that, not just say it in self defense. You're going to go on 100X more dates that don't work out than do, and you have to be ok with that and enjoy them anyway.

I'd erase any internet footprint of your dark thoughts on reddit (which you did) and take that up with a therapist instead.

Edited September 1, 2020 by ccas93

September 1, 2020

The first step is to delete your Reddit account or change your tag. If it were me I would find a way to delete everything off there. I think you are in a better place now and don't need it anymore. Time to move on from that. Turn the page, start a new chapter.

Second, reach out to her, and anyone else you have neglected to contact in awhile. Don't fear the unknown, be excited. Always think in a positive manner. It's actually quite easy to retrain your brain with repeat steps..have a negative thought, think of something positive to redirect your thoughts. That's it. The more positive you interact with people, by acknowledging them, being pleasant, engaged with them, the more they will treat you better, and want to be around you.

Edited September 1, 2020 by smackie9

September 1, 2020

31 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

A lot of it was just getting older and improving my self esteem and social skills. at 24, I found a new career I was really proud of and that made me feel a lot better about my place in society. Also, as I started getting into my mid 20s, I started realizing how many people there are on the planet and how insignificant their opinion is of you. You really have to look at it like if a girl doesn't want a second date with you, then it's her loss. You have to truly believe that, not just say it in self defense. You're going to go on 100X more dates that don't work out than do, and you have to be ok with that and enjoy them anyway.

I'd erase any internet footprint of your dark thoughts on reddit (which you did) and take that up with a therapist instead.

How did you convince yourself of that? I feel like it’s always my loss. Mainly cause I have no value as a person. I have way to many flaws that it makes hard to believe that I’m anybody’s loss. I’m not sure how to acquire such irrational confidence.

I’ll probably get a therapist when I can afford one lol. Right now I’m in my last semester of college with a part time job. Can’t afford it nor do I have the time. Accounting is a bitch!

September 1, 2020

13 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

How did you convince yourself of that? I feel like it’s always my loss. Mainly cause I have no value as a person. I have way to many flaws that it makes hard to believe that I’m anybody’s loss. I’m not sure how to acquire such irrational confidence.

I’ll probably get a therapist when I can afford one lol. Right now I’m in my last semester of college with a part time job. Can’t afford it nor do I have the time. Accounting is a bitch!

You obviously have more value than you think if you have 4 dates in a week. Some of my friends don't get any in months. You also can't get confidence out of nowhere. I had to do things worthwhile with myself and my life before I gained this confidence. We all have flaws. Esp the girls you're meeting off the apps. A lot of those sterotypically "hot" girls have awful personalities and social skills.

September 1, 2020

48 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

A lot of it was just getting older and improving my self esteem and social skills. at 24, I found a new career I was really proud of and that made me feel a lot better about my place in society. Also, as I started getting into my mid 20s, I started realizing how many people there are on the planet and how insignificant their opinion is of you. You really have to look at it like if a girl doesn't want a second date with you, then it's her loss. You have to truly believe that, not just say it in self defense. You're going to go on 100X more dates that don't work out than do, and you have to be ok with that and enjoy them anyway.

I'd erase any internet footprint of your dark thoughts on reddit (which you did) and take that up with a therapist instead.

Good Idea! Which i know it sounds like you already did, OP.

Have you ever thought that continually expressing all these beliefs that you are a certain way or have certain problems keeps you stuck with those issues? It's actually a real thing. If you can at least get your mind to neutral that will help a little. It's kind of like conformation bias as well---you think you are crap at dating or whatever, and then your mind looks for evidence that this is so. Try to not have limiting beliefs about yourself & also to keep churning them in your mind and down on paper or in a forum is kind of like solidifying in your brain like it's true when really it's just a hypothesis & you could probably find equal information for the GOOD things about yourself if you look for it (as well). And then build on it when you do find it.

September 1, 2020

2 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

You obviously have more value than you think if you have 4 dates in a week. Some of my friends don't get any in months. You also can't get confidence out of nowhere.

That's exactly what I thought^^^^ 4 dates a week is probably doing better than average.

I know you are worried that you don't get to date number two but that can be remedied with improved confidence.

September 1, 2020

2 hours ago, CarAndZam said:

I’m wondering, you said you used to be this way. How did you get out of this mindset I currently have?

1. What were the sites about?

2. Did you call this girl to attempt to apologize?

September 1, 2020

30 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

How did you convince yourself of that? I feel like it’s always my loss. Mainly cause I have no value as a person. I have way to many flaws that it makes hard to believe that I’m anybody’s loss. I’m not sure how to acquire such irrational confidence.

I’ll probably get a therapist when I can afford one lol. Right now I’m in my last semester of college with a part time job. Can’t afford it nor do I have the time. Accounting is a bitch!

You need to smack yourself with the baseball bat of positivity. Like seriously , beat the sh*t out of yourself with love and positivity instead of all this completely self destructive “ I can’t / I won’t / I’m not” ...

You should be writing down the opposites of those feelings and saying them to yourself over and over. “I can/ I will/ I am”.
You’ll believe it eventually. Just the same as you currently believe all the negative horse shi* you’ve been feeding yourself.

Until you learn to love yourself and be positive, nothing will change. It’s really easy if you try. All you have to do is tell yourself positive things. Turn the negatives upside down. And most importantly- be grateful for everything you have. That’s how you do it.

September 1, 2020

42 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

1. What were the sites about?

2. Did you call this girl to attempt to apologize?

What sites are you talking about??

And look, this may disappoint people on here and I will come off as a jerk. But I’m not apologizing. Cause not only is it too late (over a month) but why exactly should I apologize for.

Look it’s become apparent that a lot users here are women. So I understand why many of you are sympathizing with her rather than me. And I know it’s possible that I may have been in a the wrong where and that it may have been who has done the (accidental) ghosting.

but have any of you also thought about they maybe she just lost interest and ghosted me? Did she update me on sickness? Yes her health may been in danger but how exactly do you all expect me to know that when she never updated me on what it turned out to be? When we had that phone call she just told me “I don’t think this COVID, it may just be the weather changes” and that she’ll let me know.

Yes I have my fault in the situation, but I don’t see how she doesn’t either. We still haven’t gotten ridden of the possibility that she did find that account!

September 1, 2020

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Good Idea! Which i know it sounds like you already did, OP.

Have you ever thought that continually expressing all these beliefs that you are a certain way or have certain problems keeps you stuck with those issues? It's actually a real thing. If you can at least get your mind to neutral that will help a little. It's kind of like conformation bias as well---you think you are crap at dating or whatever, and then your mind looks for evidence that this is so. Try to not have limiting beliefs about yourself & also to keep churning them in your mind and down on paper or in a forum is kind of like solidifying in your brain like it's true when really it's just a hypothesis & you could probably find equal information for the GOOD things about yourself if you look for it (as well). And then build on it when you do find it.

And yes I’ve told about this loop hole. That if you think about something hard enough it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Unfortunately I’m a very deep into this loophole, so many failed dating experiences that have basically confirmed but insecurity and negatives thoughts. Not just dating experiences but social experiences as well. I barley have friends. People have no interest in keeping a conversation with me. Yes they call me that “good kid” and all, but hardly anybody ever puts an effort in getting to know me or conversing with me.

September 1, 2020

17 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

And look, this may disappoint people on here and I will come off as a jerk. But I’m not apologizing. Cause not only is it too late (over a month) but why exactly should I apologize for.

Look it’s become apparent that a lot users here are women. So I understand why many of you are sympathizing with her rather than me. And I know it’s possible that I may have been in a the wrong where and that it may have been who has done the (accidental) ghosting.

but have any of you also thought about they maybe she just lost interest and ghosted me? Did she update me on sickness? Yes her health may been in danger but how exactly do you all expect me to know that when she never updated me on what it turned out to be? When we had that phone call she just told me “I don’t think this COVID, it may just be the weather changes” and that she’ll let me know.

Yes I have my fault in the situation, but I don’t see how she doesn’t either. We still haven’t gotten ridden of the possibility that she did find that account!

I'm not a woman and I'm sympathising with her.

Did she update you on her sickness? What planet do you live on? Have you never been sick yourself? Never had a friend or a family member that's sick?

Last thing you do is go round updating people on it. The ones that care will be asking how you are, going to see you.

Either you are just trolling about everything, or you have serious mental issues that no forum is going to help you with. You need professional help.

Sign In

I may have ruined things with someone who really meant a lot to me for simply sharing my Xbox Live Gamertag....

Recommended Posts

assertives

ccas93

CarAndZam

ccas93

healing light

Mystery4u

Acacia98

CaliforniaGirl

CarAndZam

Versacehottie

Wiseman2

Ruby Slippers

CarAndZam

CaliforniaGirl

ccas93

smackie9

CarAndZam

ccas93

Versacehottie

Versacehottie

CaliforniaGirl

Fox Sake

CarAndZam

CarAndZam

Mystery4u

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...