Feel like I lost someone who meant a lot to me, for simply sharing my Xbox Live Gamertag to her....

[CarAndZam]

I know the title sounds f***ed right?? 

Haha well let me preface this post by saying something. I used to have a Reddit account up until 5 weeks ago, 4 year old account. Now a little about me, I was bullied and picked on a lot as kid, and teen. And never learned to have confidence and self esteem. Issues I still struggle with at 22 years old. I have problems socializing. Used to be very insecure about my looks, but now I’m much more insecure about my boring personality. 

I go on dates often, have no problem getting dates on Tinder. I’ve had 4 this past week. Last night too. But it usually ends with me getting ghosted/ no second date. To give an example, I’ve gone out with maybe 50 different girls, probably only gotten 10 second dates, although my body count is 20. (I may be s*** as sex too! Ha). But I’ve no doubt girls have no interest in me cause of my insecurities and issues bleed into my interactions. Plus my boring personality, not manly enough, overall be a weak man. 

And I’ve made many posts on Reddit trying to deal with these issues. I’ve made posts on many dating/and also self improvement posts trying to get advice on my issues of self esteem, confidence, lack of social skills, bad dating life, etc. Reading that Reddit account you’ll know more about me than people do in real life. You’ll know the REAL ME. The ugliest side of me. Amongst those post I also had video of myself. Videos of me playing guitar, or posting a form check on fitness subs. So if anybody from my town saw my account... well they’d be disgusted with me ha.

Here’s where i reveal how f***ing stupid I am. My Reddit account was the same as my Xbox Live gamertag. Now I don’t have many friends, and those that I do I don’t think are Reddit users. So never once did it occur to me they may figure out. I don’t think anybody has, even now. Buts it’s possible with this one girl...

This girl, I dated since February. She’s 19. Right on the first date I knew she was gonna mean a lot to me, and I don’t feel that way ever. We had an amazing relationship (though not official). I was her first kiss, and I took her virginity. Being with her was a a good feeling I never felt before, I didn’t just want sex with her. I enjoyed just being in her presence, holding her, talking to her. I was madly into her. And she into me. I won’t go into much detail about that. But as a person who’s never been in a relationship, never had a girlfriend, she was the closest I had gotten to that. She just... meant a lot to me. 

Our last date was Mid July. We played Xbox at my place. She saw my gamer tag, she even teased me about. She was very affectionate that night. Kissing my back and holding me. Our last moments together were touching, when I dropped her off. At this point she knew my gamertag, easy to memorize. She was still texting me the whole week after that last date. Very affectionate, telling me how much she wants to see me. We set a date for Sunday, however that Sunday morning she tells me “hey can I call you? I’ve got something to tell youuu!” I said yeah

So she calls with, and she had  this really muffled voice, and tells me she’s really sick. Tells me it can be COVID, or the weather change (we had a random weather change in town that weekend). But that she’s “made the executive decision to postpone are date”, and I said “okay! Well update me what goes on. Let me give you my gamertag so you can add me and we play. I’ll text it to you. I’d like to talk to you more but I cant understand with you with that voice haha”. She giggles and say okay and we hang up. I text her my gamertag, and tell her sorry for hanging up and that I truly couldn’t understand her. 

To summarize she replied “haha it’s okay. I just wanted to hear your voice since I had been look forward to seeing you all week. I’ll be stuck in my room for a while so if your ever want to call me do so. Stay safe and see you later”

....

That’s as the last time we talked.... and it was 5 weeks ago today. She never updated me whether she had COVID or not. She just hasn’t said a word to me. 2 days later, a voice in my head tells me “she knows your gamertag... what if she can find your Reddit account if she decides to use it to lurk”. 

The voice tells me to google my gamertag, and sure enough.... my account was the first search result on there. I deleted my account right away. But seeing as how this girl was bored out of her mind stuck in her room, she could’ve just decided to google my gamertag and find all that... ugliness.

And seeing as how she went from being very affectionate to just deciding not to tell me anything or talk to me anymore or update me... I feel like she found my account and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I did see however that she did add me on Xbox, but not until the next Friday. That had given me hope... but guess it meant nothing at all. s*** for all I know she could’ve googled my gamertag when she saw it on that last date, and was pretending to be affectionate to let me down easy. So many possibilities... 

If you’re thinking she’s probably lying about being sick... I don’t think so. I saw on FB that her coffee workplace had closed down for a whole week (2 days after she told she got sick, so on Tuesday), to do a deep clean of the place. And as it turns out one my FB friends works there as well, and posted that very same day (Tuesday) that she needs to get tested, that she’s scared. 

So yeah... man sorry long for the long post, it’s just that Sunday had become our days of going out, since it was her only day off. So Sunday’s get to me these days. This week overall has been very tough on me about her.

I keep trying to myself “dude.. no person in the history of the world has every bothered to google someone’s gamertag in order to lurk. That’s weird”. 

Then I say “she was so into you One week then practically ghosts you the next. It’s been 5 weeks man, no word, she definitely found that Reddit account and now thinks you’re pathetic”...
Not sure what to think anymore, I just... can’t stand knowing there’s someone out there who knows me like that. I can deal with her not wanting to talk to me cause she found someone better, or she just lost interest... but because she found the Reddit account and knows the true UGLY ME? That’s... an unbearable thought. There’s 4 years of me in that account. She could’ve seen my older post from when I was this forever alone virgin incel, to a guy struggling to a first kiss when dating his first girl, to a struggling to find dates at all, to struggling to get second dates or keep a girls interest for long... (my dating life has improved slowly over the years buts it’s quite there yet.. not even close). There’s so much ugly on there..

[Wiseman2]

Can you clean up your social media and sites you visit by removing content?  Google yourself and your game/screen names, see what happens. If you don't like what you see be more careful about your digital footprint and online reputation. You may be able to do some noise cancellation by setting up other social media and posting new better content.  In the meantime change your screen names if possible and reset your passwords. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[CarAndZam]

No I don’t have any social media other than Facebook and Snapchat, all clean. If I google my gamer tag, all that comes out is the Reddit account. Nothing else. However if you click it you can no longer see my profile, because I deleted it 5 weeks ago. There’s a one week window in where she could’ve decided to just google my gamertag and find that Reddit account. Or 2 days window if she didn’t memorize, and only google it after I gave it to her. 
 

I try telling myself “she wouldn’t have added you had she found that Reddit account. Don’t worry”. But I don’t know, my anxiety’s get the better of me...

Edited August 30, 2020 by CarAndZam

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, CarAndZam said:

However if you click it you can no longer see my profile, because I deleted it 5 weeks ago.

I try telling myself “she wouldn’t have added you had she found that Reddit account. Don’t worry”. 

Reddit is is kind of like a public toilet. People go there but don't want to catch anything using it. Don't worry she probably didn't see it.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Stringalong]

Quote

 

Are you going to take all the blame? One time, this guy and me were playing video games online. He was a bit older, in his early 40's. During our gaming, I started to like him a little bit. He seems so nice and gentle and he was very good looking. Then everyone started to tell me how good looking he was so it was obvious, he had options and plus, with the long distance, I didn't think much of it but I enjoyed playing video games with him online. 

One day, he started to insult me. He said I wasn't conventionally pretty and needed a personality transplant but even with one, he'd never go out with me. I was very shocked and hurt by that so I told him that I didn't what to be friends anymore. 

I was online with another gamer and that guy started telling me to let this guy go, move on and date. I found out he was associated to my original gaming friend. I got really tired of him telling me to move on so I contacted him directly and told him, I got the hint. I didn't tell him how hurt I was but he could sense I liked him. He made fun of my feelings which was very painful. He wasn't a friend after all!

If she meant that much to you then she wouldn't have left you in the first place. She may have found things that turned her off romantically from you, but she would have explained things to you rather then allowed you to be questioning yourself so much