Blondegirl89 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 I just got this message from a guy I’m dating. We’ve had a few wonderful dates. He even told me they where the best dates he’s ever been on. He was really romantic on them and we got on so well. I feel like he does like me. I don’t think you could fake the chemistry that we had. We really clicked and then I got this message and I’m so confused. “Hey, Im at friends last night and today IKEA and on my way to another gig. U are a great girl, just not sure Im ready for something serious again so soon. You are ready to settle and I just want to chill and not think about planning too much. What tomorrow bring is anyones guess. As u can see im not the romantic type and planning things in advance, so I will just disappoint. Also not ready to meet the family anytime soon. Like in a a very long time from now.” I should mention I never mentioned I wanted a serious relationship straight away and I also never mentioned him meeting my family. I did joke saying “if you meet my family you’ll think they’re crazy” that’s about it. He’s from South Africa so I think he might have misunderstood that part. my friends can’t understand how he could do a total 360 and go from being very attentive, cuddling, cooking breakfast in bed for me to this. I like to that the odd cigarette with a glass of wine so I was standing outside having a cigarette at my back door and he came Behind me and wrapped a blanket around him and he then wrapped himself around me. I thought that was super romantic he turned to me and said he didn’t want me getting cold. I can’t figure this out, I did reply and left it amicable and the door open for him by saying feel free to give me a call or we can meet sometime for a chat and to enjoy the rest of his weekend. does this sound like a guy who got scared or was he just a player all along?
d0nnivain Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 After several dates he probably felt himself getting attached so he bolted. It really has very little to do with you but you are the one who got hurt by his 180 degree turn around 3 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: After several dates he probably felt himself getting attached so he bolted. It really has very little to do with you but you are the one who got hurt by his 180 degree turn around I agree, I’m the queen of doubting if a guy is into me or not but I know he was so I was stunned by the bolting out of the blue.
poppyfields Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: After several dates he probably felt himself getting attached so he bolted. It really has very little to do with you but you are the one who got hurt by his 180 degree turn around Agree. It's about fear. Fear of intimacy, closeness, commitment. Flight or fight. He chose flight. There is nothing you can do, it's not about you, but rather about his own fears and anxieties. This is pretty common, this must be the 4th or 5th thread I've read within the last week from women describing the same situation. Edited August 30, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Agree. It's about fear. Fear of intimacy, closeness, commitment. Flight or fight. He chose flight. There is nothing you can do, it's not about you, but rather about his own fears and anxieties. This is pretty common, this must be the 4th or 5th thread I've read within the last week from women describing the same situation. Yeah it’s a pity he chose to run. I did leave the door open, don’t get me wrong I won’t wait around on him but I would love if he came to his senses and decided he was wrong for running. But I doubt many men actually do that.
Watercolors Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 First, he love bombed you to get you interested. Then, once he saw you were interested, he totally bailed. Why? Because he's a game player, a coward, or he found someone else he was more interested in. It's not about you. It never is. You are 100% fine the way that you are. You have no control over who he is or how he chooses to treat people. And, you shouldn't waste your time obsessing about what you could have said or done differently to change the outcome. Dating is a numbers game. It's a lot of misses and a few hits before you find a partner that will gel with you. 5
Watercolors Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 2 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: I would love if he came to his senses and decided he was wrong for running. But I doubt many men actually do that. No men will EVER do that. Time to stop thinking that way because it's destructive to your self esteem. It isn't about coming to his senses. He didn't like you and you'll never know why. But, why does it matter? Why do you need to chase after a guy or want a guy, who isn't interested in the same type of relationship that you are interested in? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Not, 'change them.' You can't change him. I know it hurts to be rejected. But unfortunately that's the crux of the dating game: rejection happens. 5
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he's trying to sort a lot out. What happened with him recently that represents changes in his life? 1 1
poppyfields Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) Blondie he may return but be forewarned. Once his anxieties subside, he will start to miss you and reach out again; this happens A LOT, he may even cry! "Commitment-phobes" (for lack of a better word) are notorious for reaching out again, crying, wanting another chance. But don't fall for it! Once he's back, in time his fears and anxieties will return and he will bolt again. I have a friend who went though this off/on, back/forth, push/pull with her CP boyfriend for seven years! It nearly destroyed her emotionally. Read "Men Who Can't Love" and "He's Scared, She's Scared, the Hidden Fears that Sabotage our Relationships." They both describe this fear in great detail. Edited August 30, 2020 by poppyfields 1
OnlyHonesty Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 He's emotionally unavailable, and probably enjoys the chase, more than the finishing line. His message suggests that you are more into him, than he is into you. Was this the case on the dates before you saw this message? were you more into him, then he was into you? Has this happened a lot with previous men? 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 27 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said: He's emotionally unavailable, and probably enjoys the chase, more than the finishing line. His message suggests that you are more into him, than he is into you. Was this the case on the dates before you saw this message? were you more into him, then he was into you? Has this happened a lot with previous men? I do like him however to be honest I thought we where on the same page. I didn’t sense that I was giving more than him. But I don’t know. Now I’m wondering did I say something wrong or do something I shouldn’t have. I do like this guy, like I genuinely like him. I just wish I could sit down with him and find out what scared him? Or if he just wasn’t all that interested in me in the first place. The more I think about it the sadder it makes me. I’m usually good a reading the room and when we where together I really did sense he liked me. He is the only guy I’ve ever known for sure was interested. With other guys I was forever wondering is he or isn’t he interested with this one I knew. His actions backed that up. It hasn’t really happened a lot before. Most men I’ve dated have never ran away. Break downs in the relationship at some point lead to the break up but most guys I meet tend to turn into relationships. Not all obviously but the ones I put effort into usually do. I felt this was going smoothly, I let him have his space. I didn’t hound him with texts, I let him have his life and I had mine and we had dates whenever we got the chance. They where all sleepover dates if that’s any use. And he told me he broke up with his ex in February
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) Two things came to my mind. The first is, it was way way way too soon to mention your family. The second is, and go ahead and kick me for saying so, but a guy trying to hit it can seem very romantic, in a woman's interpretation. He might be touchy feely, grabbing for you and hugging, he's super attentive, seems to be making a connection, looks into your eyes, tell you how beautiful you are and so on. Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 4
Mystery4u Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 It's funny how all the female posters are saying it is nothing to do with you. As a man, I can tell you it's everything to do with you. He enjoyed your time together, but he decided, for whatever reason, you are not 'the one' he wants to settle down with. And there's nothing wrong with that, that's what dating is for. Actually fair play to him for telling you now, when he could have easily led you on for months and kept sleeping with you. Us men can meet a woman, do everything romantic like you described, enjoying the time together. When it comes down to it, if there isn't that unexplainable feeling of being crazy about them and wanting them on another level, we will end things. Short version: he's just not that into you. 6
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 46 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: I do like him however to be honest I thought we where on the same page. I’m usually good a reading the room and when we where together I really did sense he liked me. It's most likely not about you. Is this the guy whose mother did a couple months ago?
hippychick3 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 I will say from experience that a man can be super loving, affectionate, and romantic while not feeling in love or crazy about a woman. Unfortunately, those kinds of behaviors in the early stages of dating don’t really mean anything for many men other than wanting sex.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 13 minutes ago, hippychick3 said: I will say from experience that a man can be super loving, affectionate, and romantic while not feeling in love or crazy about a woman. Came here to say the same thing. I don’t necessarily think this guy is a commitment-phobe or afraid of his own feelings. You don’t really know him well enough to draw that conclusion, OP. He might be fine with committing but just doesn’t necessarily see you as the one he wants to commit to. That stings, of course, but it also doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or that you did or said the wrong thing, It could simply be that he was there for a good time but not a long time, and he didn’t want you to think he was trying to develop something more. He evidently didn’t attach the same emotional significance to the cuddling or breakfast in bed that you did. I can’t say I blame you, as many of us would interpret those actions that way. But, I’ve also had a fling or FWB who did those things too even when it was never going to amount to anything. Some people are just affectionate and cuddly in the moment and get a little swept away in it. Or, heck, maybe an ex popped back up in his life. Or he’s been seeing someone else too and decided to go in that direction. Whatever happened, it’s understandable that you’re surprised and disappointed. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 2 hours ago, Watercolors said: No men will EVER do that. Time to stop thinking that way because it's destructive to your self esteem. It isn't about coming to his senses. He didn't like you and you'll never know why. But, why does it matter? Why do you need to chase after a guy or want a guy, who isn't interested in the same type of relationship that you are interested in? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Not, 'change them.' You can't change him. I know it hurts to be rejected. But unfortunately that's the crux of the dating game: rejection happens.
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 180? Means one of two things to me....he had a better option or the ex showed up at the gig. There is no way he’s gonna tell you that...his long winded explanation says “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Just walk away Edited August 30, 2020 by smackie9
Mrin Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 This is his way of letting you down gently. Why? Who knows. Could be another woman. Or it could be his ex popping back up. It sounds like you hit off. So, not to be crass, but when a dude is getting laid and it doesn't sound like you were being high maintenance, then he'll only cut that situation off so early if he has to make a decision. Hence the other woman or ex comment. I'm sorry. 1 1
Mrin Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 11 minutes ago, smackie9 said: 180? Means one of two things to me....he had a better option or the ex showed up at the gig. There is no way he’s gonna tell you that...his long winded explanation says “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. Just walk away Omg great minds think alike 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) It doesn't sound like a "blow off" or that he's a pump and dump player, or that he didn't care about you. It sounds like things were going too fast for him so he broke up, rather than string you along or get nebulous etc. Sounds like he was rather straight up about things, including not being a jerk about ending it. If you start thinking the good guys who are honest with you are 'players', you'll have a rough road ahead. If you start assigning evil modes to things you'll have a real tough time dating. If you realize sometimes people's paths just don't continue the same time the same way you'll be fine. Relax. It's a disappointment, but the kind way he did things will make it easier for you to move on to someone who wants what you want, when you want. Edited August 30, 2020 by Wiseman2 4 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 I think either he’s not feeling it for you ir there is someone else.
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Mrin said: This is his way of letting you down gently. Why? Who knows. Could be another woman. Or it could be his ex popping back up. It sounds like you hit off. So, not to be crass, but when a dude is getting laid and it doesn't sound like you were being high maintenance, then he'll only cut that situation off so early if he has to make a decision. Hence the other woman or ex comment. I'm sorry. Gonna guess it’s either one of those the ex or a new girl as he’s deleted all the dating apps he used. We matched on a few he added me on Instagram as well and we started talking then but he’s deleted his dating profiles.
poppyfields Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 26 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: Gonna guess it’s either one of those the ex or a new girl as he’s deleted all the dating apps he used. We matched on a few he added me on Instagram as well and we started talking then but he’s deleted his dating profiles. Ouch, that must hurt I'm sorry. Damn, it really sounds like you connected, I guess you just never know. Hope your okay.
endlessabyss Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Love all the psychologists in this thread The guy had other options, and you weren't the one he wanted out of the bunch. It wasn't that he was scared about commitment lol. He's just not trying to get tied up with anyone, because he isn't done running. End of story. 1
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