Noluck83 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 first off i know ill probably get so much abuse for this and i genuinely feel awful but here's the story: Im in my late 30s and have been single 2 years. I started Internet dating and matched to 2 people i immediately liked. So i planned dates. I have never concentrated on more than 1 woman in my life so i assumed id like 1 more than the other. Well... i am just getting myself down and feel exhausted everyday as its 2 weeks in and i cannot decide which to pursue. They both really like me, both message me throughout the day. They're both completely different though. 1 loves travelling and loves the outdoors, she also wants kids in the future. The other is really homely, cuddly and wants kids shes just lovely. I dont even know if this is a question or more just to get it on paper but i cannot decide which way to go, the safe comfortable route for a change or the fun outdoorsy route. Has anyone ever been in this situation? I feel like whichever i choose will be wrong and j feel like a horrible person doing this to 2. Ive put off sleeping with both as i dont want to be that guy. Its getting to decision time and ive no clue which way to go. Do i see myself in a years time travelling and having the time of my life or settling down. Im also dreading hurting one of them by calling it off. Believe me anyone who says its fun dating 2 people its not, or isnt for me anyway, its anxiety, stress and i feel a bit like im being horrible. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) I think you're getting way ahead of yourself and being unnecessarily hard on yourself. It's only 2 weeks in, so I have to ask, how many times have you actually gone out with each woman? How can you even begin to envision what you might you being doing years down the road with one of them when you hardly know each other? Why is it "decision time" when you've these women 14 days ago? Relax. Get to know each of them a bit more. If you don't feel right having sex with either one yet, then don't. That's completely fair. If either asks if you're seeing others, be honest. You met them on OLD so I don't think either would be shocked to hear you're dating others. Maybe they are too. If you're this uncomfortable with it, then by all means, concentrate on one. Just don't approach is as such a life-or-death issue, man. You have no idea if the woman you choose will even be a long-term match for you. This isn't all on you, in other words. They shouldn't be so invested yet that they'll be devastated if you decide to stop seeing one of them. You aren't deciding your entire future based on this, either. There's no telling if you'd wind up riding off into the sunset with either of them. Keep some perspective moving forward. Edited August 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 I don't actually see anything wrong with this as long as you're not sleeping with either. If it's only been a week or two it's way too early to think about exclusivity (probably) but I'll bet in another date or two you'll get a strong pull toward one of them.
Velvet teddy Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 58 minutes ago, Noluck83 said: first off i know ill probably get so much abuse for this and i genuinely feel awful but here's the story: Im in my late 30s and have been single 2 years. I started Internet dating and matched to 2 people i immediately liked. So i planned dates. I have never concentrated on more than 1 woman in my life so i assumed id like 1 more than the other. Well... i am just getting myself down and feel exhausted everyday as its 2 weeks in and i cannot decide which to pursue. They both really like me, both message me throughout the day. They're both completely different though. 1 loves travelling and loves the outdoors, she also wants kids in the future. The other is really homely, cuddly and wants kids shes just lovely. I dont even know if this is a question or more just to get it on paper but i cannot decide which way to go, the safe comfortable route for a change or the fun outdoorsy route. Has anyone ever been in this situation? I feel like whichever i choose will be wrong and j feel like a horrible person doing this to 2. Ive put off sleeping with both as i dont want to be that guy. Its getting to decision time and ive no clue which way to go. Do i see myself in a years time travelling and having the time of my life or settling down. Im also dreading hurting one of them by calling it off. Believe me anyone who says its fun dating 2 people its not, or isnt for me anyway, its anxiety, stress and i feel a bit like im being horrible. Well you've got a lot more of a conscience than a lot of the men in the stories we hear about OLD. So don't stress yourself out too much. However, I would say decide within another couple of weeks. Don't let it go on for too long. I'm not really a fan of multidating either. Best to concentrate on one. But make a decision.
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 2 weeks? Have you been out with both of them? That's just meeting people. It's fine to meet and greet people from OLD. You don't have to make up your mind right now. You don't have enough to go on. Relax and see if either of them pan out. If you do sleep with one of them, you can address being exclusive then. 2
Calmandfocused Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Which one of these women are you most physically attracted to? If you had to have sex with one of them right this minute which one would it be? it sounds like these two ladies are very different. What do you want from a partner / relationship? Which one of these ladies fits that ideal more? You’ve been on your own 2 years so presumably you have some idea. If not you’d do well to figure out what you want from a partner. This will help you to make wise dating decisions. I Hear you. Multi dating by dating app is horrible. I hate it too. But unfortunately it’s the culture, it’s the game and you’re doing nothing wrong. All you’re trying to do is find someone, like everyone else. Remember that and don’t feel bad. But yes don’t sleep with them until you know. I reckon you’ll know after a couple more dates each 1
Amanda141 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 If I were you I would plan to meet them in person, and then you can draw your conclusions. It has happened to me in the past that I had a great connection with the guy online, but when we met in person it was completely different
Author Noluck83 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) Its a really strange situation as i usually dont invest myself for months with someone. My ex we didnt even go exclusive till 3 months in. But, i think it's more because im shocked ive met 2 people who are both the life i want. I had planned to go travelling alone then covid happened and well, we cant. Ive also always wanted a family so to suddenly meet 2 people 1 who loves travelling and 1 who wants the family life its probably more bothering me in respects to, its made me overthink what i actually want in life. I know it sounds odd being bothered by it as we are only dating but i hate hurting people and feel like the longer it goes on the more itll hurt for 1 of them. i think ill date them both this week then just make a decision and hope its the right one as ive started confusing the 2 also which hasnt helped. Talking to 1 about something and she says 'weve never spoke about that, thats someone else' that doesnt feel nice. Just to add in just over 2 weeks ive met them both 4 times so i can tell its getting towards the sex stage and i cant sleep with both as it just isnt me. Edited August 30, 2020 by Noluck83 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 Quote The other is really homely, cuddly and wants kids shes just lovely. Are you attracted to the homely one?
Author Noluck83 Posted August 30, 2020 Author Posted August 30, 2020 43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you attracted to the homely one? I am usually yeah but also seem to be attracted to the ones that might be hard work so i havent a clue which way to go. Of the 2 currently im thinking homely one is more suitable. Strongly feeling like 1 more date each and ill just choose the homely one as know it will be good for me. Then see where it goes
Watercolors Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) I can't even. Referring to the woman as 'homely.' I wish I knew who she was so I could send her this thread link. Then she could see just what a superficial person she's wasting time on. Please do her a favor and dump her now. She deserves to be with a man who thinks she's beautiful. Not you. Edited August 30, 2020 by Watercolors 2
Allupinnit Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 What do you mean by homely? As in, she enjoys being at home or she's plain in your eyes?
introverted1 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Are you attracted to the homely one? I'm guessing he means homey, not homely. Homey: (of a place or surroundings) pleasantly comfortable and cozy. Homely: (of a person) unattractive in appearance. Edited August 30, 2020 by introverted1 1
Alvi Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: I can't even. Referring to the woman as 'homely.' I wish I knew who she was so I could send her this thread link. Then she could see just what a superficial person she's wasting time on. Please do her a favor and dump her now. She deserves to be with a man who thinks she's beautiful. Not you. Possibly English is his second language. He possibly means that she enjoys home more, she is more grounded, would make a good housewife. When I first came to Canada and was learning English, you should see the blunders that I was making, lol. I even called one guy a queer, ha ha ha. Luckily he wasn't offended and we had a good laugh about it when he explained few things to me. Edited August 30, 2020 by Alvi
smackie9 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 If it were me the homely one would get boring after awhile...the other likes to do stuff...you need that for the long haul.
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 1 hour ago, Noluck83 said: I am usually yeah but also seem to be attracted to the ones that might be hard work so i havent a clue which way to go. Of the 2 currently im thinking homely one is more suitable. Strongly feeling like 1 more date each and ill just choose the homely one as know it will be good for me. Then see where it goes So the homely ones are less work?
Versacehottie Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 lol good catch introverted! I was pretty sure he means "homey" like cozy or a bit of homebody in a good way, There was another thread like this (different person) a few weeks back and I think I just told the guy to quick "which one would you choose?". It kind of has to be a gut feeling. It sounds like it slightly might be the 2nd (homey) one perhaps? If I'm reading little clues right. I also don't think it's bad that you are dating two people at once. I think it is coming up to the point where you decide though--that's just a natural progression. Made harder by the fact that you are torn & they've both turned out to be great. Like someone said above, since it's dating from an app, chances are they could be too & it's not out of the realm of possibility that you are. I think it just gets harder when you have such a great genuine time with each & that they are on both about the same timeline, ie you weren't dating one several weeks before the other and therefore would have more invested or more information to go on. Let's say you do pick one of the two (well sure that will happen at some point soon)---you could be honest with the other one (the one you are letting go) & just let her know you were farther along with the one you chose (line from the bachelor lol). Even then I do know of a several stories from exactly your situation (my guy friends) who returned to the one they broke it off with after a few weeks/months & are now with the second one. I will say that in each case (funny enough) they initially chose the more "exciting" one (hotter, more adventurous, the one that shook up their life a bit more) and then found out it wasn't all it was cracked up to be and broke up to try to be with the other one (typically more stable, homey type). Not necessarily less hot or less anything just less in your face about it, more like slow burn that lasts a long time or forever than the other option. One of the guys has literally a movie type story of when he realized he picked wrong & how he got the "second: girl to give him a chance. They live together now. Another thing you can do is poke around with questions about who is looking for a serious relationship on the next date with each. It's a little early & a little difficult to ask IMO if you haven't slept together yet. But usually if a girl likes you she doesn't mind (in fact enjoys) conversations that head in this direction--no matter the stage. Good luck
Zona Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Noluck83 said: My ex we didnt even go exclusive till 3 months in. But, i think it's more because im shocked ive met 2 people who are both the life i want. I had planned to go travelling alone then covid happened and well, we cant. Ive also always wanted a family so to suddenly meet 2 people 1 who loves travelling and 1 who wants the family life its probably more bothering me in respects to, its made me overthink what i actually want in life. If you've already had one crappy marriage that ended in divorce, why would you even consider getting into another long term relationship? Have some fun, build up your confidence and improve yourself, and read up on dating dynamics. The one thing I would say is always be honest with people about your intentions. A lot of women will still date you even if you say you aren't looking for anything serious. Edited August 30, 2020 by Zona 1
ccas93 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 lol, so you feel bad about seeing two women at a time, but do you know how many other men they are seeing/sleeping with? You might care, but they might not. Don't get played. Btw, your discipline to not multi-date/sleep with multiple random people is admirable. A pet peeve of mine is people who casually sleep with multiple random people at a time they meet off dating apps. I think it's gross/unhygenic (esp during a pandemic), lazy and greedy. And it breeds bad behavior in people. Just my opinion, but refreshing to see I'm not the only one who feels this way. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: 2 weeks? Have you been out with both of them? That's just meeting people. It's fine to meet and greet people from OLD. You don't have to make up your mind right now. You don't have enough to go on. Relax and see if either of them pan out. If you do sleep with one of them, you can address being exclusive then. This is how I feel about it too.
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