Texting/communication between exchanging number and first date?

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

With the advent of technology the video call is superior to voice & text. 

I'm not opposed to text for quick communications.  I can't stand people who try to run a relationship off it.  

If two people enjoy their text only interactions & are happy, good for them.  I don't see that happening.  I see it making folks miserable 

I feel like the problem is, text can go on forever and ever...some people seem sometimes fall into this sort of texting friendship instead of moving forward. We are born to speak directly to one another so that may be a factor. In the case of hearing disability there is still sign language, looking directly at the person, and sometimes lip reading. It's just an inherent part of our communication style as a species. Or was.

Something about the human voice, and/or looking at a person who is looking at us, produces emotional responses in us. It moves things forward. Written words alone are more...separated somehow. Something is just missing.

In a real-time conversation you're not talking at a person. You're talking to a person. You have to pause and wait for the person's response and that sort of thing. Somehow it makes it all more "real." It makes us realize It's not just all about our personal conbenience. The other person counts too.

It's not like fizzling out can't happen after a real-time convo too but for whatever reason, people seem to sh-- or get off the pot a bit more after an in-person convo. It's all "right there"...so you're more likely to just make a decision.

I don't know the actual psychology of this but my own very unprofessional opinion that things that happen with a delay - texting, email, posting - take a person a step back from seeing ANY of it as really...real, if you will. (We see it all the time online where people say things they'd obviously never say face-to-face...as if the person at that faraway computer isn't really a person.) You're just sort of one step removed...if that makes sense. So...with those delays, you can just fall into delaying too and I don't think it's deniable that it can be really frustrating...we see issues about it on here all the time.

I realize there are perceived pitfalls to speaking directly to someone else in realtime but I don't know...once upon a time that was all a part of learning to communicate.

I personally have always really disliked talking on the phone...I am REALLY introverted. I might stumble or sort of stutter when I haven't had a delay in which I can craft the perfect response, whenever I feel like doing so. But I'm glad I spent a fair portion of my life having to work that out because otherwise my communication skills would have been even worse than they are.  

What I see is all these questions...when do I text back...should I wait...if so, for how long...and how long should I wait before sending a text asking the person out...should we just keep texting...whereas in a way, being "right there" is kind of the rubber hitting the road.

Now, with all that said, I wouldn't have interrupted a brand-new association/potential date/whatever with a phone call (although there IS such a thing as VM ) on vacation. But when I was first answering here, I was answering in a more general way...someone had asked why people don't call, or whatever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 1, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

Allow me to speak about my late dad for a minute. 

At 65 years of age, he bought a computer. Then he discovered email.  After that, text.  He loved it!  

He would write me the most beautiful heartfelt emails; feelings he could never express in person, he was able to express via email. Before email, he would sometimes write me a letter expressing same.

With email, he used to write us (myself and my brothers)  stories about his childhood and his experiences as a Marine.  Really beautiful stuff.  

Things he could never discuss in person.

He would text me to make plans or just to say he loves me.  

He did this until his death five years later, may he RIP.  

This is true for many people, my brother is the same.  In person, he doesn't say much, but once when I was in an accident and almost died, I received the most beautiful text message from him telling me what a beautiful sister I am and how much he loves me.

Like my dad, and myself to a certain extent, there are people who are just more comfortable expressing themselves and communicating this way and there is nothing wrong or bad about it.

Edited September 1, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Allow me to speak about my late dad for a minute. 

At 65 years of age, he bought a computer. Then he discovered email.  After that, text.  He loved it!  

He would write me the most beautiful heartfelt emails; feelings he could never express in person, he was able to express via email. Before email, he would sometimes write me a letter expressing same.

With email, he used to write us (myself and my brothers)  stories about his childhood and his experiences as a Marine.  Really beautiful stuff.  

Things he could never discuss in person.

He would text me to make plans or just to say he loves me.  

He did this until his death five years later, may he RIP.  

This is true for many people, my brother is the same.  In person, he doesn't say much, but once when I was in an accident and almost died, I received the most beautiful text message from him telling me what a beautiful sister I am and how much he loves me.

Like my dad, and myself to a certain extent, there are people who are just more comfortable expressing themselves and communicating this way and there is nothing wrong or bad about it.

That IS a beautiful story and I am so sorry for the loss of your dad but while there's nothing wrong or bad about texting/emailing as you say, there apparently IS something confusing about it for a lot of people, especially in the beginning of dating.

Like the OP,  although questions like this seem to pop up pretty regularly. And he's who has this question. He's lost. Even on just one simple text.

Someone asked why people text instead of calling. Your reason could be one of them. We used to do that with letters. My dad did the same thing, coincidentally. Or sort of - he mailed me a few letters (mail-mail). 

But enough people DON'T have positive experiences, and ARE utterly confused with how/when/where/how often/when to start/when to stop/when to respond/what to respond with that for many others...it's an issue.

Like in this thread. 

I wonder. If your dad and many others in similar touching situations (I feel bad for you, losing a parent is horrible, I lost both of mine before I was 40) didn't have such easily accessed but step-away-from talking options...would your dad have worked on actually telling you all this stuff...face to face? So...sure, people can say stuff they can't say when not on the phone...but that's for good or for ill, a lot can get lost in the translation, it takes that additional personal element out, and apparently, it confuses A LOT of daters.

Edited September 1, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CLS63AMG]

Keep the texting minimal and phone convos to one, only if she requests one.  Had a bumble girl 2 weeks ago say she hated texting and "lets chat on the phone like the old days".  I said sure and called her up, we chatted and I set up a general day and area where we could meet about a week later as we were both busy.  Then about 2 days later she called me out of the blue and we chatted again, even longer (me knowing this is really just sapping us of things to talk about in person).  Then another couple days later she calls AGAIN and we chat.  I am now really trying to slow the texting and calling because it just never, ever, ends well - you build up this image of the person that will never be met in person.  So a couple days go by, then I get a text "we don't need to meet anymore, there clearly isn't a romantic connection here".

WTF!!!!

Lol, I just said I was sorry she felt like that but there is no connection without meeting and wished her the best.

[szechuanhorse]

As you all can tell, I'm not massively experienced in dating.

It's not happening yet, but let's say if there's a point while she's abroad that the conversation seems to be drying up, do I try to end the conversation with something about enjoying her holiday and looking forward to that drink when you're back and leaving it there? Or is there a better approach, like leaving it open. (Any examples of type of things I could say?)

I know there are no rules, but a dating novice (and not big texter) here would love to hear how some people would approach this! Afterall there is only so many things you can chat about without killing interest before meeting someone in person.

Cheers all!

Edited September 2, 2020 by szechuanhorse

[CaliforniaGirl]

44 minutes ago, szechuanhorse said:

As you all can tell, I'm not massively experienced in dating.

It's not happening yet, but let's say if there's a point while she's abroad that the conversation seems to be drying up, do I try to end the conversation with something about enjoying her holiday and looking forward to that drink when you're back and leaving it there? Or is there a better approach, like leaving it open. (Any examples of type of things I could say?)

I know there are no rules, but a dating novice (and not big texter) here would love to hear how some people would approach this! Afterall there is only so many things you can chat about without killing interest before meeting someone in person.

Cheers all!

You're trying to manipulate this instead of just talking and getting to know someone. The problem is, if people keep giving you their take on exactly how, when and what to respond per New Anticipated Potential Situation X, when do the training wheels come off? After a certain point you're not developing a relationship, you're playing chess and asking strangers for the next move.

Just see how it goes. 

[Watercolors]

3 hours ago, szechuanhorse said:

As you all can tell, I'm not massively experienced in dating.

It's not happening yet, but let's say if there's a point while she's abroad that the conversation seems to be drying up, do I try to end the conversation with something about enjoying her holiday and looking forward to that drink when you're back and leaving it there? Or is there a better approach, like leaving it open. (Any examples of type of things I could say?)

I know there are no rules, but a dating novice (and not big texter) here would love to hear how some people would approach this! Afterall there is only so many things you can chat about without killing interest before meeting someone in person.

Cheers all!

Here's my answer for you. Pretend the year is 1989, and just call her on the phone!!! 

Ask your parents. If they're over 35, they most did not have the internet or cellphone text messaging to aide in their courtship. Ergo, they used the phone. *gasp*

Edited September 2, 2020 by Watercolors

[FudgeSwirl]

On 9/2/2020 at 11:37 AM, szechuanhorse said:

As you all can tell, I'm not massively experienced in dating.

It's not happening yet, but let's say if there's a point while she's abroad that the conversation seems to be drying up, do I try to end the conversation with something about enjoying her holiday and looking forward to that drink when you're back and leaving it there? Or is there a better approach, like leaving it open. (Any examples of type of things I could say?)

I know there are no rules, but a dating novice (and not big texter) here would love to hear how some people would approach this! Afterall there is only so many things you can chat about without killing interest before meeting someone in person.

Cheers all!

If you are one who only texts here and prefer phone conversations keep in line with how you are texting now and then if this goes anywhere after the first date when she returns from her trip then your communication will go between phone calls and texts.  Bottom line - if the conversation is dying but you do have something more to say then go for it.  Everybody has a preferred communication style - some are big texters and prefer listening more than talking on the phone while some see texting as for quick hellos and/or for gaining important information and enjoy phone conversations.

[szechuanhorse]

Hi everyone,

Quick update! So we had a 1st date a couple of days ago, which went really well, both saying we'd like to do something again.

She told me that she's heading back to her cousins abroad to work from home there as she doesn't want to be alone everyday working in her flat, especially as all her family live abroad. She followed it up by saying that she would definitely like to go on another date when she shes back if I can wait that long. Probably be about three weeks as she wants to head back when her office reopens.

So feel like I'm in the same position as before. Its great that she's already said she'd love to meet up again when she's back if I can wait that long. 

I just don't want the conversation to dry out, and I think she's the same!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? And if so did you end up doing things to keep the conversation alive and that?

Cheers all!

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, szechuanhorse said:

She told me that she's heading back to her cousins abroad to work from home there as she doesn't want to be alone everyday working in her flat, especially as all her family live abroad. She followed it up by saying that she would definitely like to go on another date when she shes back if I can wait that long.

Text if/when she texts. Otherwise consider yourself free to date others since surely she will be doing that back home.

[Be Cool]

On 8/30/2020 at 7:45 AM, szechuanhorse said:

I'm in my late 20s and in the UK (so is the woman) and I matched with this woman in early August. We messaged on and off (I had a few app issues where I was getting kicked out randomly and not being able to log in). Last week I asked about meeting up for drinks but she told me she's gone abroad to see her cousin and their family on a quiet island where they live for a small holiday and will be back in two weeks but she'd love to when she is back. So we switched numbers.

My question is, how to go about communication in this void of two weeks before we meet. I don't want to burn out with all the typical pre-date convo/1st date talk by then. But I also don't want to sound like I'm not interested and slow conversion.

Any tips? Or similar experiences?

She actually hasn't replied in 24 hours so maybe shes looking to slow down the convo so there isn't a burnout.

You guys didn't even meet once, so don't try to act like there's something between you to the point  you need to "communicate" before you actually meet.