Ex reached out to me. what now?

[Mth185]

Fast forward about 2 months after the breakup to when I found out she had a new boyfriend already. That crushed me, but I was determined to move on and I did. Cut all ties completely. Met new women, dated a good bit even had a few short term relationships. Improved myself mentally, physically and emotionally to the point where I genuinely wanted her to be happy, no matter who it was with. 

 

This past week she reached out to me to tell me that her dog had died a few months back. Short conversation where I basically just told her that I’m sorry for her loss ensued. Then last night another message saying how she wishes she didn’t mess things up so badly, how she wants to be better and learn from her mistakes and how much she misses and admires me. Never explicitly said she wants to get back, but there are some pretty strong indicators. 

 

Thing is, she still has that boyfriend. Sounds like she was basically pushed into a rebound relationship that has turned into something more, but she’s not happy with it at all. Described it as “tumultuous with lots of anger and tears as of late”. She’s repeatedly mentioned that it’s not a healthy relationship and she’s not sure what the future holds there. 

 

I’d be open to the idea of reconnecting at this point, but I’m not married to the idea. Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone. 

 

How do I proceed here without scaring her off or making it seem like I want her to end her current relationship to be with me? I legitimately just want her to be happy, but a part of me definitely wants another crack at it because of the intense connection that we shared...and on some level at least, still seem to share. 

[schlumpy]

You have to be honest with yourself as to why you broke up. You have to list all the bad things that led to that breakup and then decide if any of it can be avoided in a second go around. If the problems were clashing personalities then what has changed that will make a new run at it successful?

I'm not sure your desire to reconnect, however plaintive, will be enough.

I have to say I understand why she is testing the waters but it would be a very positive move for her to end her relationship and ask you up front for another chance. This feels too much like monkey branching and if she will do it to him she will do to you.

I don't think there is any hurry and you seem have it under control.

Good luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

17 minutes ago, Mth185 said:

Cut all ties completely.

No,  you didn't.

[Mth185]

20 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

You have to be honest with yourself as to why you broke up. You have to list all the bad things that led to that breakup and then decide if any of it can be avoided in a second go around. If the problems were clashing personalities then what has changed that will make a new run at it successful?

I'm not sure your desire to reconnect, however plaintive, will be enough.

I have to say I understand why she is testing the waters but it would be a very positive move for her to end her relationship and ask you up front for another chance. This feels too much like monkey branching and if she will do it to him she will do to you.

I don't think there is any hurry and you seem have it under control.

Good luck.

Clashing personalities were never the problem. She had been going through some intense personal issues and they were spilling over into our relationship and just killing it. I don’t know how much of that, if any, has been resolved to this point. 
 

I’ve never known her not say what she means and mean what she says, but part of me is very cautious not to just be led on here. 

[CLS63AMG]

Funny, I had an ex from 2 years ago reach out to me yesterday, I don't see us getting back together but we had an amazing sex life so we'll be doing that.  We've both got a case of the covid horn.

[introverted1]

12 hours ago, Mth185 said:

 Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone.

I think you have your answer right here.

[elaine567]

Who dumped who originally?

[ExpatInItaly]

Be careful here. 

She's leaning on you for attention and soothing. It's not fair to you or her current boyfriend. She needs to make herself single, and then think about reconnecting with you, if that's what she genuinely wants. She might indeed have regrets about your break-up but I would not enable her current behaviour by playing shoulder-to-cry-on. 

It sounds like she needs to get her act together and learn how to stand on her on two feet rather than scrambling around for a safety net. 

[d0nnivain]

Tell her that you are sorry about her dog & that you want her to be happy.  Remind her that if her relationship isn't working she needs to end it.  Then tell her you think she will benefit from some self reflection & independence.   

See how she reacts to that.  She may be looking to monkey branch back to you because she's incapable of self reflection or independence

[Caauug]

13 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Met new women, dated a good bit even had a few short term relationships. Improved myself mentally, physically and emotionally to the point where I genuinely wanted her to be happy, no matter who it was with. 

You became/regained her attraction for you. Having relationships also helps, shows other women see value in you also....

13 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Sounds like she was basically pushed into a rebound relationship that has turned into something more, but she’s not happy with it at all. Described it as “tumultuous with lots of anger and tears as of late”. She’s repeatedly mentioned that it’s not a healthy relationship and she’s not sure what the future holds there. 

Well she can't get you to commit to relationship or Round #2 without saying the one she is into is crap. Like: "Yes Honey, my BF is great and takes me on really good vacations and treats me like a real Queen..... Hey, you want to get back together?"   That just doesn't fly....

Round #1 was a failure for both of you, remember back the bad things and how toxic it was.... She is an ex for a reason, just because she is familiar doesn't mean she is good for you. 

13 hours ago, Mth185 said:

How do I proceed here without scaring her off or making it seem like I want her to end her current relationship to be with me?

Only offer FWB...… She takes it, she wants you. She leaves BF, she committed to you. She keeps BF, enjoy the ride or ditch it. Actions speak louder than words. 

She's rebounding and monkey branching.... NOT something good for you. If you are going to take her back it should be on your terms, not hers. 

13 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone.

This will never happen.... She's likely getting multiple hits a day. She doesn't need to work on herself, by herself. 

 

13 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Then last night another message saying how she wishes she didn’t mess things up so badly, how she wants to be better and learn from her mistakes and how much she misses and admires me.

That grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

You have improved and now you are a better man, she sees that. How has she improved to equal you? Offer her less than she had when she left. If she really wants to get back with you, she will work for it. Without earning it she will never value it.

 

[Mth185]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Who dumped who originally?

She initiated the breakup, though to be honest I was ready for it to end too. 

[elaine567]

Trouble is that now you have not spent your time pining for her and actually dated and slept with other women, that may become a bone of contention between you.
Not at first maybe but it will likely rankle and added to the other problems that split you up originally that are probably still there, it may prove to be a deal breaker. SHE dumped you, you were supposed to be heartbroken... her ego may not like the fact you apparently moved on.
Dumpers are pretty good at throwing breadcrumbs to exes.
Her new relationship is having problems so  who does she turn to?
Good old Mth185 who probably still loves her...
Be very careful, you may be all set for reconciliation to find she has gone back to the bf as all is now hunky dory again, or once she gets over this emotional bump she will again dump you..
There is usually a very good reason people dump you, I doubt "having issues with the new bf", is a good enough reason to reconcile...
Stay away is my advice.
 

[ShyViolet]

She's trying to drag you into her drama with her current boyfriend, and thats' not a good place for you to be.  If her relationship with her current boyfriend is not good, well that's unfortunate but that's her problem and her problem alone, and she has to deal with it.  It's unhealthy for her to be reaching back out to you in the middle of this situation.  If she really wanted to try again with you, the proper way to do that would be for her to end the relationship with her current boyfriend, give herself some time to get stable, and then reach out to you.  Just be careful, because she sounds like a little bit of a mess.

[lee179108]

17 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Fast forward about 2 months after the breakup to when I found out she had a new boyfriend already. That crushed me, but I was determined to move on and I did. Cut all ties completely. Met new women, dated a good bit even had a few short term relationships. Improved myself mentally, physically and emotionally to the point where I genuinely wanted her to be happy, no matter who it was with. 

 

This past week she reached out to me to tell me that her dog had died a few months back. Short conversation where I basically just told her that I’m sorry for her loss ensued. Then last night another message saying how she wishes she didn’t mess things up so badly, how she wants to be better and learn from her mistakes and how much she misses and admires me. Never explicitly said she wants to get back, but there are some pretty strong indicators. 

 

Thing is, she still has that boyfriend. Sounds like she was basically pushed into a rebound relationship that has turned into something more, but she’s not happy with it at all. Described it as “tumultuous with lots of anger and tears as of late”. She’s repeatedly mentioned that it’s not a healthy relationship and she’s not sure what the future holds there. 

 

I’d be open to the idea of reconnecting at this point, but I’m not married to the idea. Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone. 

 

How do I proceed here without scaring her off or making it seem like I want her to end her current relationship to be with me? I legitimately just want her to be happy, but a part of me definitely wants another crack at it because of the intense connection that we shared...and on some level at least, still seem to share. 

This has happened to me,  and now recently she is my ex again for numerous confusing reasons...   All I will say is to be very careful, because you dont want to get hurt again like I am now. My ex said she never got with anyone else last time we broke up, and now says she wants to stay single for a while and focus on herself... but i dont know if thats true.. If you want to try again then just meet up and talk, maybe dont talk about getting back together yet and just take it slow and see how it goes, have fun. If she's with another guy then she needs to break up with him before even thinking of getting involved with you..  look at her now, shes texting you and saying stuff like that when shes supposedly in a relationship... do you want a girl who does things like that?   

[smackie9]

The dog was just an excuse....she’s just using you as an escape from her present situation. That‘s her MO,. Things get tough, she has no capability to handle it. History will repeat itself. You had your time with her, it failed. Your best choice is to say too bad, sorry, take care of yourself.

[CaliforniaGirl]

18 hours ago, Mth185 said:

 

Thing is, she still has that boyfriend. Sounds like she was basically pushed into a rebound relationship that has turned into something more, but she’s not happy with it at all. Described it as “tumultuous with lots of anger and tears as of late”. She’s repeatedly mentioned that it’s not a healthy relationship and she’s not sure what the future holds there. 

 

I’d be open to the idea of reconnecting at this point, but I’m not married to the idea. Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone. 

 

How do I proceed here without scaring her off or making it seem like I want her to end her current relationship to be with me? I legitimately just want her to be happy, but a part of me definitely wants another crack at it because of the intense connection that we shared...and on some level at least, still seem to share. 

So anyway, what was she telling this guy or someone else while she was dating you? Same stuff, maybe?

Nobody is "pushed into" a releationship, this isn't Bahrain.

You don't tiptoe around her wondering how not to scare her off. She isn't a stray cat. You're begging her here, basically, without saying so. Crawling around hoping she drops a scrap. Then asking her permission to eat it.

Have some self-respect, man. Tell her you're very sorry to hear about her job and her boyfriend and to please f*** off, you're busy, and good luck going forward.

Edited August 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[elaine567]

My guess she was relieved to be out of the relationship and was happy and excited to have found someone else.
Dumpers do not tend to have rebounds, they are usually "done" well before the split so move seamlessly on with someone else.
They initiate the split in order to date other people.
That new relationship has the same chance of success or failure as any other relationship.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Mth185 said:

She initiated the breakup, though to be honest I was ready for it to end too. 

Why were you ready for it to end? What were the issues and reasons for the breakup? It sounds like she is feeling nostalgic and sad about her dog. If she's with this guy, do not initiate anything.

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, Mth185 said:

She initiated the breakup, though to be honest I was ready for it to end too. 

Do you think you’re possibly romanticising the time you spent together? Which leads you to thinking you want to try again. 

If she’s reaching out to you in a relationship with the new guy, what’s to say she wouldn’t just go ahead and do the same thing to you?
..oh wait she did already once before.

Dude she hasn’t changed a bit by the sounds of it. You have.
If she was single and reached out I might have respected her slightly.
She’s just looking for another ship to jump into all over again and use the poop deck for its intended purpose. You’re sailing by with a clean deck. 

not saying you should or should not try again, as that’s totally up to you. Just be aware of YOUR true intentions behind doing it and weigh up if it’s worth the more-than-likely anguish that’ll follow

[Mth185]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why were you ready for it to end? What were the issues and reasons for the breakup? It sounds like she is feeling nostalgic and sad about her dog. If she's with this guy, do not initiate anything.

The short version is that she’s dealt with a lot of trauma in her life, most recently a terminal illness diagnosis for her mother who is basically her only family. That was the straw that broke the camels back and all of the other things combined with that started to manifest in unhealthy ways. It spilled over into our relationship and spoiled it. Before all of that happened, we had an incredible relationship. It was a deeper connection than I can every really remember feeling with anyone before. 
 

I’m probably just romanticizing the whole thing and only focusing on the happy times, not the rough ones. I was doing great until she reached out to me last, got my head all twisted around. 

[Watercolors]

21 hours ago, Mth185 said:

I’d be open to the idea of reconnecting at this point, but I’m not married to the idea. Honestly, part of me thinks that she really just needs to be on her own for a while to actually work on herself, but I think she’s scared to be alone. 

Always go with your first gut response. That's usually your intuition working in your favor.

We get into trouble when we second guess our gut response, because we compare it to what 'society' dictates which is never a good idea. Is she the type of woman who jumps from guy to guy and is never alone between her relationships?

If that's her dating style, she probably reached out to you under the ruse of her dog dying, to hook you again, so that she doesn't have to be alone when she decides to break up with her current boyfriend. That's one possible way this could go. 

She needs to learn to be alone between her relationships. But, that's not anyone's job to teach her. You can be firm with your own boundaries and tell her no, you are not interested in getting back together with her. 

21 hours ago, Mth185 said:

Clashing personalities were never the problem. She had been going through some intense personal issues and they were spilling over into our relationship and just killing it. I don’t know how much of that, if any, has been resolved to this point. 
 

I’ve never known her not say what she means and mean what she says, but part of me is very cautious not to just be led on here. 

How did her personal issues ruin your relationship exactly? Can you give an example? Does she smoke pot? Is she an alcoholic? Does she have a spending problem? What habits does she have, that contributed to the demise of your relationship with her? It takes two to create and ruin a relationship, so it can't be all of her fault. 

Does she talk sideways, out of both sides of her mouth all the time? Tells people what she thinks they want to hear, but then does what she wants anyway? And then tries to justify it afterward as she only did it for such-and-such reason? Well then, she doesn't sound very emotionally mature if she's like that. 

[Mth185]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Always go with your first gut response. That's usually your intuition working in your favor.

We get into trouble when we second guess our gut response, because we compare it to what 'society' dictates which is never a good idea. Is she the type of woman who jumps from guy to guy and is never alone between her relationships?

If that's her dating style, she probably reached out to you under the ruse of her dog dying, to hook you again, so that she doesn't have to be alone when she decides to break up with her current boyfriend. That's one possible way this could go. 

She needs to learn to be alone between her relationships. But, that's not anyone's job to teach her. You can be firm with your own boundaries and tell her no, you are not interested in getting back together with her. 

How did her personal issues ruin your relationship exactly? Can you give an example? Does she smoke pot? Is she an alcoholic? Does she have a spending problem? What habits does she have, that contributed to the demise of your relationship with her? It takes two to create and ruin a relationship, so it can't be all of her fault. 

Does she talk sideways, out of both sides of her mouth all the time? Tells people what she thinks they want to hear, but then does what she wants anyway? And then tries to justify it afterward as she only did it for such-and-such reason? Well then, she doesn't sound very emotionally mature if she's like that. 

Specifically, her inability to accept the fact that I love her. After her mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness the shift began. The happy, vibrant and exciting woman I’d know and fallen for did a complete 180 and reverted to wallowing in despair over her low sense of self worth. Body image issues, a bout with bulimia in her earlier days, a past abusive relationship and abandonment issues stemming from being adopted as an infant from a foreign country and never knowing her biological family are some of the bigger things she’d been dealing with rather successfully up until then. 
 

Once the shift happened, she was constantly questioning why I would want to be with her and how I could love her and how she didn’t deserve to have a happy ending etc. As you can imagine, this was very stressful for me having to always try to prove my love for her, and arguments over little things were constant. I got to the point where I wanted out but was afraid that she would completely self destruct if I left. 
 

As I type this all out, I realize I probably answered my own question. Even though she seems to be in a better place mentally and emotionally now, I don’t think I want to run the risk of going through all of that again. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mth185 said:

 she seems to be in a better place mentally and emotionally now. 

Does she really, though?

Her current coping mechanism - seeking comfort from an ex while still in a relationship and complaining to that ex about her boyfriend - suggests otherwise, 

[Watercolors]

I'm afraid I have to agree with ExpatInItaly, Mth185. I don't think your ex-girlfriend is in a better place mentally or emotionally, if she's reaching out to you -- her ex -- while she's in a current romantic relationship with another guy. She's seeking emotional support from you, either because her current boyfriend doesn't give her emotional support, or she is trying to get out of that relationship and get back together with you. 

From what you describe, she has a lot on her plate and it sounds like neither she nor you handled those issues in a balanced way together that helped either of you. I don't think either of you should try to rekindle any relationship with each other. I think that could have seriously bad consequences for you both. 

[ajequals]

Some women just love keeping  men on a string. ,they love knowing they have control over you. ,she sound like one of those women to me. braking you completely down then building you back up.  I'd keep moving forward. no sense in going through this all over again