mortensorchid Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Oooh... Sleeping in the same room? Well I would be uncomfortable with that not knowing anything except what you have stated, I don't know this woman at all. I have had a few bfs in the past meet some of my former bfs. Granted, one and I were just good friends and it was a fling (he has since passed away). The other is the only former bf I remained friends with - now been broken up 21 years and still see each other quite a bit (he's now married to his 3rd wife and she's okay with it). Should anyone meet him, I don't even tell them until later that we werw together for 2 years but we've been broken up for so long it's a friendship. But I'd reconsider this if she's going to sleep in the same room with him.
Trail Blazer Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Dude, she doesn't give a damn about you. She's a selfish, self-centered woman and her behavior is totally unbecoming of someone you would consider to be in a relationship with. My suggestion is that you detatch emotionally, play along and enjoy the ride. Don't fall for her lie or B.S. Just, do not fall for her... period! Use this woman for sex. If the sex is incredible, it's your right as a man to enjoy it while it's on offer. If you can switch off emotionally, you can take a step back and realize that you're in an incredibly good position. The relationship will burn out soon, then you can look for someone more appropriate for a long-term relationship. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Unfortunately she's playing you for an old fool. This is not an ex she's spending all her time dating. Cut her off and date women who aren't dating thier "exes".
TheFinalWord Posted September 22, 2020 Posted September 22, 2020 Are you in a committed relationship? If yes, I would tell her right away that her hanging out with former lovers is a violation of your boundaries. There are millions of other people she can do things with instead of ex boyfriends and ex flings. If not, I would not get into a relationship with her without being very clear that if she wants your commitment that means leaving the past in the past. No more communicating with ex boyfriends or flings. If that's too much for her, that's okay, you guys can just keep dating and keep it casual. To me it's weird she would even want to do this when she has a new man. But some people are super unaware of how that can bother a new partner. They think because they told you, that the behavior is then okay. No way would I be okay with that and the fact she's telling you is a sign she knows it's weird too, but thinks that since she told you, that now it's okay behavior. Whichever situation, you have to set your boundaries then STICK TO THEM.
Author singletrack Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 Just an update and I truly appreciate everyones advice. As many know it's easy to get clouded judgment when emotions get involved. We've been still together. She's been telling me that she loves me, doesn't want to be with anyone else, I'm the only one she's ever considered marrying, etc. We even looked at a house together on Sunday as we've discussed cohabitation. We just went on a nice 5 day trip to Cabo San Lucas. We get back on Saturday. She told me before the trip that she was having lunch with a girlfriend Sunday evening. Long story short she went out to dinner with the ex and straight up lied to my face about and continues to do so. Up till now she's been pretty honest about her and he. Maybe she has anxiety about telling me the truth now. I've bitten my lip since Sunday and we were having drinks last night. We were discussing the relationship and making compromises and she actually brought up her relationship with said ex and how she has been compromising her friendship with him by spending less time with because she knows I don't approve of it. I know I need to end this . It's unacceptable and flat out disrespectful. I don't know why I put up with it. Maybe just make it a FWB and treat it as such.
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) She went from a 5 day trip with you straight to dinner with him & she LIED about it. Yet you are still holding on to the fantasy of living with this woman. Good heavens. Have you no self respect ? Edited October 13, 2020 by d0nnivain 1
Wiseman2 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 1 hour ago, singletrack said: Long story short she went out to dinner with the ex and straight up lied to my face about and continues to do so. I know I need to end this . Yes you do need to end it. Stop house shopping and other disastrous activities. She lies to you. 2
kendahke Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, singletrack said: We just went on a nice 5 day trip to Cabo San Lucas. We get back on Saturday. She told me before the trip that she was having lunch with a girlfriend Sunday evening. Long story short she went out to dinner with the ex and straight up lied to my face about and continues to do so. Up till now she's been pretty honest about her and he. Maybe she has anxiety about telling me the truth now. Or maybe she's just a straight up, deceitful, dishonest manipulator. She doesn't have anxiety--she's a liar. She hasn't been honest with you: she's told you exactly what she wants you to know in order to keep the gravy train with you running on schedule. She's showing you that she wants her ex more than you---why jeopardize a relationship you say you want by lying to go see someone you used to have sex with? And yes, she's having sex with him. 2 hours ago, singletrack said: We were discussing the relationship and making compromises and she actually brought up her relationship with said ex and how she has been compromising her friendship with him by spending less time with because she knows I don't approve of it. Not because she should be done putting him first on her priority list because she's in a relationship with you? This is not something to compromise on. If she's not emotionally done with him, then she needs to go be with him and you need to find someone else who isn't putting their ex's feelings ahead of yours. Trust me, if the tables were turned, her hair would be on fire over it. You need to end this today before the sun goes down. No one's sex is that good that you should abide a liar. And get an STD test. No telling what she's bringing back to you. Are you here just telling on her, or are you making plans to dump her sloppy behind? Edited October 13, 2020 by kendahke
Crazelnut Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 How do you know she had dinner with the ex? 1
Author singletrack Posted October 13, 2020 Author Posted October 13, 2020 1 hour ago, Crazelnut said: How do you know she had dinner with the ex? A friend saw them at the restaurant (literally parked right next to them as they were walking to the car) and the description is spot on. He's LEO so I feel that his memory and description of him are accurate
elaine567 Posted October 13, 2020 Posted October 13, 2020 Whether you friend is accurate or not, it is immaterial as to whether this was the ex or some other guy. She was with a guy, not a girlfriend as claimed 1
Crazelnut Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 Then, yeah. Dump her. And make sure she knows that you know she's lying.
Fletch Lives Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 On 8/28/2020 at 2:47 PM, elaine567 said: It always is, in cases like this. Amazing what men will put up with for "incredible" sex and younger women... - the statement of the year Quote You want a traditional relationship yet you are dating a nontraditional woman. - No, she's not nontraditional, she's a spoiled brat, a Drewish Princess. She does these things because men, like you, let her get away with it. Wow, this woman is going on dates and trips with past lovers. Get a second girlfriend and see how she feels about that. Perhaps when the shoe is on the other foot, she'll get the idea to change. And if she does not change, maybe you'll have a new girlfriend. For best results, it has to be the other persons' own idea to change. You can try the above as a last ditch effort. But you might have to leave her. Listen to me - it's inappropriate for your girlfriend to go on what looks like dates with other men, for any reason. Period. End of discussion.
Mystery4u Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 19 hours ago, singletrack said: A friend saw them at the restaurant (literally parked right next to them as they were walking to the car) and the description is spot on. He's LEO so I feel that his memory and description of him are accurate If you have any self respect you should be ending things today. 1
elaine567 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 The time to dump her was months ago, he doesn't want to dump her, he wants her to wise up and behave, and act like his gf. He is in love with her, he doesn't want to get a second gf, he just wants the one he has, to show him some respect and stop seeing other men... BUT that is not who she is. She doesn't WANT to stop seeing other men. Romantic trip to beach resort, loved up, perfect. Minute she is back home, she is having dinner with another man... The OP is not "enough". That is usually the issue when a person is caught between two "lovers". Neither is "enough" on their own, hence the need to keep juggling the two. 2
Author singletrack Posted October 14, 2020 Author Posted October 14, 2020 Thanks you all for helping me look at this rationally. I appreciate all the replies everyone even the ones that are critical of my character. I think part of my problem is I really enjoy living life with a partner. Sure, she hasn't been acting like a good one ( I ignored the multiple red flags and now this disrespectful and unacceptable ). She went from being from what I felt open and honest to this. But who knows, maybe she's been lying all along. I wouldn't know. I trust people and give everyone more than their share of the benefit of the doubt but I did have intuitions and feelings in my gut from the get go. Do you guys think I should confront her on this? I've thought about it but then I feel that she'l likely turn it around on me saying something like she felt she had to lie to me due to my unwillingness to accept her relationship with him. She has a trip planned for us next weekend ( planned weeks back). Or....I can just stop talking to her and disappear. Avoid any possible arguing, pleading, etc. I don't need the drama.
schlumpy Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 I vote for the second option if you are able to move on without asking questions. You won't hear truth anyway. Vanish like a ghost. 2
smackie9 Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 You ghost, she's going to go around and say you are an a**h***, and she was duped.. coming out looking like the victim. Stop being a pushover and man up. Tell her you can't stand her lying, and this isn't worth discussing because all she's gonna do is to start manipulating you. It's over, have a nice life. 1
Crazelnut Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 FYI, you don't have a partner. You don't have an exclusive relationship. Don't be a jerk and ghost her. Find your backbone, tell her you know she lied to you about dinner, and you're done with the relationship due to her poor boundaries and lies. Then walk away. No discussing, no arguing. If you can't break up with a cheater, you have no business dating. 1
notbroken Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 Protect your heart. FWB is going to end badly. Drop her. Today. 1
kendahke Posted October 14, 2020 Posted October 14, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, singletrack said: Do you guys think I should confront her on this? Yes, you need to tell her it's over and you don't wish to see or hear from her any longer... and then block her on all social media and communication devices. Quote I've thought about it but then I feel that she'l likely turn it around on me saying something like she felt she had to lie to me due to my unwillingness to accept her relationship with him. And that's when you tell her " I'm not telling you you can't have a relationship with him--I'm telling you that I am not going to be in a relationship with someone who puts their ex's feelings ahead of mine. Clearly, you need this relationship with him and if that's what you need to be happy, I'm not going to stand in the way, but I'm also not going to be involved with you". Let her go cry to her ex, since she wants to be with him so badly. Quote She has a trip planned for us next weekend ( planned weeks back). Well, now she can take the man whose feelings she prioritizes over yours. Quote Or....I can just stop talking to her and disappear. Avoid any possible arguing, pleading, etc. I don't need the drama. All phones have a hang up feature... and a block feature. She needs to be met with "The answer is no. Do not contact me any further". If she shows up at your door, call the police. If she left stuff at your house, but it in a box on the porch or mail it to her. Disappearing is only going to make her put the drama into hyper gear because of the not knowing--and she needs to know that she effed this up with her lying, deceit and misplaced priorities. Edited October 14, 2020 by kendahke 4
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