singletrack Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 First post here. I've lurked in the past. I'm 43 and divorced. Have been dating a girl 10 years younger than me since March. I feel it's pretty serious - We tell each other we love each other. Talk about living together. She says she's committed to me and "I'm the only one she's interested in" when I ask her if she is seeing anyone else. I'm more of a traditional relationship type. Apparently my girlfriend is sees the relationship and her behavior somewhat differently. I was just hoping maybe some of you guys could give me a different perspective or help me understand my feelings. Like I mentioned in the title my girlfriend still communicates with her ex. She dated him for about 5 years ago and according to her that relationship ended about 4 years ago. About a 6 weeks ago we were out for drinks since she was leaving for the weekend to go to see her sisters in a large city about 4 hours from here. At drinks she tells me that she was going with her ex and that he and her sister would be sleeping in the same room. That bothered me. I felt it was disrespectful to my feelings and was inappropriate to say the least. Then about 2 weeks later she had a wedding. I knew about it but didn't know who she was going with. Apparently it was with a guy she had "hooked" up with a while back whom she remains in contact with. I was upset in the fact that we had been dating for a while, somewhat serious, and still decided to go with this guy. I also understand that maybe she committed to going with this guy either before we met or most likely very early on when we were just hanging out. Last night she tells me that she had dinner with the ex. Of course this bothered me. I asked myself why is she choosing to hang out with this guy over me ( in fairness I had my kids ). I don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel that perhaps I'm not a priority in her life and she views the relationship differently than I do. Her personality is definitly on the less emotional side i.e. needy, "lovey", etc. Part of me thinks that anyone would say that what she's done is inappropriate and disrespectful of normal boundaries of a traditional relationship. I do trust her and I'm not a controlling type. She has been open and honest with me and I don't want that to stop. Part of me says I should just explain to her how its disturbing to me and that I don't like the idea, and that it has nothing to do with her or my trust for her, that it just bothers me. Hopefully she understands and will do what it takes to correct it, and then if not then maybe she doesn't feel the same way towards me as I do towards her. I'm not the jealous controlling type. I feel if someone’s going to cheat on you, they’re going to cheat on you. Throwing a fit and telling them I don't want someone talking/seeing their ex and other guy friends isn’t going to magically stop them from doing it, and in some cases can even drive them to do it. Thanks for any and all advice. I'm a bit confused.
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Sorry to hear that. Try not to fast forward the relationship this much. It's been 20 weeks. Way too soon to talk about moving in, insta-family, etc. Unfortunately she's not as into this as you are. Slow down and observe if you want to be with someone as carefree as she is. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 You're learning you two have very different boundaries and expectations from each other. She has been honest, yes. But that does not mean you have to be okay with it. What is does mean is that you two should have a conversation about boundaries; state where yours are. You can let her know that you won't tell her what to do, but you want to be honest about your feelings towards having exes/past flings around. See how she responds. Part of being in a relationship is evaluating whether the person is compatible in these areas. If she doesn't agree or seem interested in compromising, then you should strongly reconsider proceeding with her. This is one incompatibility that might become an even bigger problem down the line, so think carefully about whether she's the right woman for you. 4
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 You have landed a catch out of your league and you don't want to let her go. You are all set for living together and making a family and she is out there acting single with her exes. She may not be sleeping with them or maybe she is, hard to tell, but I doubt she wants to play happy families with you. The wedding is illuminating. Most want to show off their bf at weddings but she instead chose to go with a former hook up. Who cares when it was arranged, women do not go to weddings with former hookups if their bf is available. I guess she is just not proud of you. I think you would be silly to pin your hopes on this girl. Sorry... 5
Author singletrack Posted August 28, 2020 Author Posted August 28, 2020 23 minutes ago, elaine567 said: You have landed a catch out of your league and you don't want to let her go. You are all set for living together and making a family and she is out there acting single with her exes. She may not be sleeping with them or maybe she is, hard to tell, but I doubt she wants to play happy families with you. The wedding is illuminating. Most want to show off their bf at weddings but she instead chose to go with a former hook up. Who cares when it was arranged, women do not go to weddings with former hookups if their bf is available. I guess she is just not proud of you. I think you would be silly to pin your hopes on this girl. Sorry... She's far from out of my league. I just really like her. We just jive so well together. Sex is incredible. I agree with the wedding situation and the rest you wrote. Maybe my vision is fogged. ExpatInItaly - I agree with what you say. I need to have that conversation with her. I thought I was clear last time but apparently I wasn't clear enough. I actually thought about asking her to meet this ex who's is just a "friend". After all she said all she did last night was talk about me to him On a side note - I too love Italy. I have a house in Puglia
Author singletrack Posted August 28, 2020 Author Posted August 28, 2020 The sad thing is in a few hours we were supposed to hop in the car and head off for a nice weekend at a resort & spa. I feel like telling her "maybe we shouldn't go".
FudgeSwirl Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 You both definitely should talk about what you're okay with and what you're not okay with so if you're not okay with her having friendly ties with people she dated, be honest with her. At about six months, it is important before your feelings grow anything stronger than they are now. Sex and really liking somebody aren't enough to keep a relationship alive if the other person isn't at the same level of thinking as you. Go and enjoy your trip. It will give you both a nice opportunity with no distractions to talk about your future. 2
schlumpy Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 My opinion is that you need to step back and just enjoy the ride for as long as she's around. You two will never see eye-to-eye on this and what she's doing is not what a girl in love does. You could feed it back to her and have dinner with one of your exes or whatever you want to call them. She may not like it when you go off skiing with an old gf but she's set the rules you are just abiding by them. I think I'd leave first before I went to dinner with any my exes. Another thought I have is that she grooming you for an open relationship by introducing elements of that life-style one piece at a time. You will have to decide if that is the case. Good luck. I think you will need it. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 12 minutes ago, singletrack said: ExpatInItaly - I agree with what you say. I need to have that conversation with her. I thought I was clear last time but apparently I wasn't clear enough. I actually thought about asking her to meet this ex who's is just a "friend". After all she said all she did last night was talk about me to him On a side note - I too love Italy. I have a house in Puglia Ah, Puglia is wonderful! Where abouts? (I live in Rome) And it may just be a case of her not seeing these boundaries the same way you do, meaning she doesn’t wish to adhere to them. If that’s the case, you have a decision to make.
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 17 minutes ago, singletrack said: Sex is incredible. It always is, in cases like this. Amazing what men will put up with for "incredible" sex and younger women... 6 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 41 minutes ago, singletrack said: The sad thing is in a few hours we were supposed to hop in the car and head off for a nice weekend at a resort & spa. I feel like telling her "maybe we shouldn't go". Why not have this time to carefully observe and have some relaxed conversations about relationships. If at the end of the weekend you glean enough to either go forward or fade out it serves both purposes of not leaving things unsaid and deciding where to go from there.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 As soon as I read "They will be sleeping in the same room" and the needle skipped across the record. Seriously? Boot her to the curb. She's 33? sounds more like 13. Too immature for you. 3 1
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Why not have this time to carefully observe and have some relaxed conversations about relationships. He doesn't have to carefully observe anything, it is all as clear as day... 1 1
lurker74 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 1 hour ago, singletrack said: Part of me says I should just explain to her how its disturbing to me and that I don't like the idea, and that it has nothing to do with her or my trust for her, that it just bothers me. ... I'm a bit confused. Of course you are confused. That confusion is derived from being internally inconsistent. How? OK...you trust her. So then why does it bother you? Why is who she has dinner with or who she travels with matter? If it were a female friend, it probably wouldn't bother you. If it were a long-time male friend that is strictly platonic, it may not bother you as much. But because they've bumped uglies, it bothers you. There's only two reasons I can think that it bothers you. Either you don't trust her or you find the behavior emasculating (and the Venn diagram of those two things is heavily overlapping). But here's the ironic thing and why you are confused. The emasculation comes from you. She's not lying about it and as far as you know she says good things about you to her friends (exes or not) so the "disrespect" is entirely internally generated. And in doing so, it causes you to be less manly...you whine to yourself, you seem confused, you consider calling off a nice weekend. This is entirely generated by you because you feel she shouldn't want to be with any exes as friends if she has you. Alternatively (but related), you don't actually trust her. That's actually OK...you've barely been with her. But as far as you are aware, she's done nothing to betray any trust you have in her. She's honest and not deceitful (from what I can tell), so again, your lack of trust is generated internally, from a lens that you use that says, "Well, I'd never travel with an ex so why is she?" Her view of the world is much different. But again, not trusting her is OK as long as you admit it to yourself. Once you do, you have the choice of deciding to trust her, deciding to break up, or deciding to see if it get better. Incidentally, you SHOULD be meeting her friends that are exes. That makes everything the OPPOSITE of emasculating as you are showing that you are OK with her having exes as friends because you know where she'll go for her next 50 orgasms regardless of their history. 59 minutes ago, singletrack said: The sad thing is in a few hours we were supposed to hop in the car and head off for a nice weekend at a resort & spa. I feel like telling her "maybe we shouldn't go". This is weak, and I don't mean to be critical. Don't say, "maybe we shouldn't go." Say, "Barbara, we're done." Saying that "maybe" you shouldn't go is a milquetoast way of trying to get her to say she'll stop seeing exes as friends. Better to end it than trying to manipulate her into doing what you want. By the way, nothing that you're feeling is wrong or inappropriate. You have a right to all of your feelings and I would guess most people would not be OK with her behavior. But you have to admit to yourself that you are simply not OK with it...that you don't trust her or that you are not confident enough (yet) to be with a woman that has exes as friends. LOTS and LOTS of people are like that and it is totally OK to be one of them. Just make sure you own up to it.
lurker74 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: The wedding is illuminating. Most want to show off their bf at weddings but she instead chose to go with a former hook up. Who cares when it was arranged, women do not go to weddings with former hookups if their bf is available. I guess she is just not proud of you. I think you would be silly to pin your hopes on this girl. Sorry... Total guess here but I bet that the ex is the invited guest and that she was friends with the couple when they were together. That might not be OK by most people and I have to admit that NOT being an exclusive's date to a wedding would be very irking to me, I can see circumstances in which I would be OK with it....once. Especially in the time of Covid where adding another person to the list is not necessarily easy.
central Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 I think you really need to have an honest and non-confrontational conversation about expectations and boundaries. Some of her actions seem questionable, but at the time these happened how long had you been together, and what was the status of your relationship at the time? Personally, I have no concerns about my wife/gf seeing or communicating with exes because there is trust and we've discussed boundaries. I could share a room and travel with an ex and nothing would happen (I've done this). It's about respect for yourself and your relationships, but you must agree on the boundaries first. You can't expect her to conform to your expectations without first stating them AND negotiating what works for both of you. If you can't agree, then split up. 1
mark clemson Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 You might consider asking why she took the ex to the wedding and not you. If there's a "good explanation", then perhaps it's less of a big deal. If it's just that she "wanted to take him," well... There are people out there who are stuck on an Ex but date anyway and then if the Ex just happens to come back, sometimes even just temporarily and with no strings attached, the new person is dropped like a hot potato to give the Ex their chance. Not saying this is what's going on here (how would I know), but perhaps be wary. 1 1
kendahke Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 She doesn't sound like she's ready or interested in settling down with you... she's too busy making sure her orbiters get attention. If she wants their company that badly, then you need to let her go so she can go be with them. If she's with you and you two are supposed to be in a committed relationships, then dates and certainly sleep-overs are out of the question. That's the stuff single people do. 1
kendahke Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, singletrack said: Sex is incredible. thats the problem. Your nose is wide open and she's not here for your feelings or what you think--she's about that life when you can't be because you've got obligations that prevent you from being about that life. Call up an ex and take them to the spa this weekend. She shouldn't complain at all about it. Edited August 28, 2020 by kendahke 1
Caauug Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 I don't think you are going to like what I have to say.... Take the time, get the correct answers to the questions. Her actions will answer most of them. Only YOU need to know the answers. 11 hours ago, singletrack said: I'm 43 and divorced. Have been dating a girl 10 years younger than me She's 33, never married and single with ex's and hookups hanging around.... Why has she never married? How long was her longest relationship? Has she ever been engaged? Why did the relationships end? You can ask her, but look at her actions also. You could ask for a body count.... but it will be a fraction of reality. She doesn't have a problem finding guys, she has an orbit full of them. What makes you special? What are you offering her, is she wanting from you, that the other guys are not? Why is she giving you attention/time/sex, there is always a trade. Is it going to be fair? 11 hours ago, singletrack said: We just jive so well together. Sex is incredible. I bet you are not the first bloke to say that about her.... She likes keeping the ex's and hookups in the orbit and they are happy being there for another chance at that incredible sex... Was she already on birth control when you met her? I agree with most that you two have totally different boundaries, that is a major issue. She sounds more like the free spirit type and to get her to "compromise" or should we say come around to your way of thinking would only end in resentment on her part (or drive her actions into hiding). 11 hours ago, schlumpy said: My opinion is that you need to step back and just enjoy the ride for as long as she's around. You two will never see eye-to-eye on this and what she's doing is not what a girl in love does. ^^^^^ YES!!! Enjoy your turn, even if it isn't 100%. Start thinking with the right head and make sure you protect yourself. 3
Acacia98 Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 12 hours ago, smackie9 said: As soon as I read "They will be sleeping in the same room" and the needle skipped across the record. Seriously? Boot her to the curb. She's 33? sounds more like 13. Too immature for you. Lol. Me too. I mean, it's one thing being friends with exes. Sharing a room with one (how can you even be sure her sister will be there too)?! Attending a wedding with another as a plus one?! That's skating too close to the boundaries. I definitely wouldn't want to date someone who didn't have the sense to set these kinds of boundaries on their own. Its entirely possible she's not sleeping with these guys, of course. But it is also possible that she is sleeping with them. What would be easier to manage than an affair hidden in plain sight?
elaine567 Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Caauug said: What makes you special? What are you offering her, is she wanting from you, that the other guys are not? I guess money... Not everyone has a house in Puglia... 4
Caauug Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 47 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: I mean, it's one thing being friends with exes. Sharing a room with one (how can you even be sure her sister will be there too)?! Maybe the sister is into the ex also??? Her and her family may all be relaxed with the boundaries. 3 some..... 51 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: What would be easier to manage than an affair hidden in plain sight? So very true!!! Or just have an open relationship from the very start??? Some things can be implied without being stated.
Watercolors Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) OP, your values are misaligned with your girlfriend's of 5 months. You want a traditional relationship yet you are dating a nontraditional woman. And I agree with the others that her choice of taking a former sex hookup to a wedding instead of you is a huge red flag. Should be a deal breaker but that's your call. And, I do think you are letting your sexual chemistry cloud your judgment. A nice piece of ass, does not a quality woman make. Men orbit around her. She has loose boundaries with men because that's her value system. But that is clearly not your value system -- casual sex with past and present lovers. At 5 months, you need to talk to her about where this is going and what bothers you. She probably won't take you seriously based on her current behavior with all of these men, but if you want something exclusive with her, you need to establish some ground rules. As in, no more sleeping around for her. Edited August 29, 2020 by Watercolors
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2020 Posted August 29, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: I guess money... Not everyone has a house in Puglia... I don't know OP"s case, but a lot homes here in Italy are inherited from previous generations and rented out or shared by other family members when the owners are not using. It isn't necessarily a reflection of one's financial status. It's actually fairly common for even middle-class families to have these types of modest "second homes" in the countryside, the beach, the mountains, and so on. However, OP, perhaps you could clarify. If you're in solid financial standing, do you feel that might be what she's attracted to? Edited August 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 1
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