Great first date, bad second date?

[LibrarianLady89]

So I had a really great first date with a guy. We talked for hours about everything, and had the best kiss at the end of the night. I was so excited to see him again. All week, we were talking. He kept saying he couldn't wait to see me, that he was going to give me the biggest hug and it was what he was looking forward to all week. Of course, I was slightly worried he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Maybe that was the case. 

He picked me up yesterday, and maybe this is my own fault because I hyped it up, but I could tell something was off. I got into the car and didn't even get a smile, which seemed weird after he was all 'so excited to see you again, can't wait to hug you, etc etc'. I asked how he was and he said 'tired as f***'. Okay, great start. We drive to the restaurant and start walking in. He sees his ex and we immediately leave, which I get. I wouldn't want to hang at a place where my ex was either. Except we get in the car and he's going on and on about how he's not sure if it was really her or not, he kind of wants to drive by again and see, etc. They broke up three years ago apparently, though at one point he made a really bad attempt at a joke about wanting to see who she was meeting. 

So then we try a second place that I suggest. Not even kidding, there's an RNC/Trump event happening. I'm not pulling politics into this so I'll just say I'm not a fan of the guy so that's the last place I wanted to be (I didn't say that, though, just said looks busy let's try elsewhere). Besides that, there was a line out the door so no chance of going in anyways. So I suggest a third place. Honestly, I thought the whole series of events was a little funny and we could have had fun joking about it but he didn't seem on the same page. Meanwhile, he starts saying that he's about to just go to Chick Fil A, that he hasn't had it for a while, etc. Says it twice, and I don't think he was joking about it. Like we are on a date? We're not going through a drive thru. 

We make it to the third place and woohoo, it's great. We sit down to order drinks, and it just seems like he doesn't want to be there at all.  I try joking around with him, and he barely cracks a smile. I have to really struggle to get conversation going. At one point, we're talking about our siblings and I mention I don't really talk to my brother anymore. He asked why not, and I asked if he really wanted to get into that on a second date? Said yeah, of course. So I start telling him this pretty serious story. He gets out his phone and starts texting. I stop talking and wait. Maybe a minute goes by and he finally looks up at me, and just starts talking about something else. A lot of his stories dealt with him being wasted at one place or another. Not my scene. 

At that point, I'm having a pretty bad time and am annoyed I put on a cute outfit, did my hair and make up, etc. But I'm trying. The flirty banter from our first date is just not there. The conversation is just not there. At one point I'm showing him a funny video my cousin made, and he just said 'wow, how old is she? she's kinda hot'. Um what? So then the check comes and he complains about he doesn't understand how we spent as much as we did. Pays it, and then gets up to leave before I'm even done with my drink. So I leave it. He takes me home. He does kiss me goodnight and then I went inside and just cried because the whole night felt like such a bust lol. And I'm so tired of bad dates. 

He texted me immediately and said "sorry if I seemed off, I've had a really s***ty week at work and have a headache and am exhausted". He sent me a few flirty things after that, which just made no sense considering he was such a dud on the date. I haven't heard from him today, but I'm wondering if this even deserves a third date? Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I sound judgmental, I don't know. I just know I was excited to have a nice time and instead I just felt like I was with someone who'd forced himself to be there. It all put a bad taste in my mouth and I think maybe I should just cut my losses, and say thanks but no thanks. Just so odd...honestly felt like I was out with a completely different person than on the first date. 

[d0nnivain]

He told you he was tired.  You had other unexpected problems -- his EX & a political thing.  He did apologize.  Maybe he really did have a bad week.  If he had tried to reschedule you'd be second guessing, wondering if he was ghosting.  He can't win.  Perhaps the 3rd time is the charm.  why don't you pick something low key for you two to do on Sunday afternoon so he can sleep in & see if you get the fun guy from date 1 back.  

[LibrarianLady89]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He told you he was tired.  You had other unexpected problems -- his EX & a political thing.  He did apologize.  Maybe he really did have a bad week.  If he had tried to reschedule you'd be second guessing, wondering if he was ghosting.  He can't win.  Perhaps the 3rd time is the charm.  why don't you pick something low key for you two to do on Sunday afternoon so he can sleep in & see if you get the fun guy from date 1 back.  

That's why I'm wondering if it was a fluke or not. He could've been tired, or the first date mask could have been off. It was just pretty bad, one of the worst dates I've been on in a while. But I guess I'd need a third to really know.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

We drive to the restaurant and start walking in. He sees his ex and we immediately leave

Sorry to hear that. He's one of those people on dating sites the nanosecond he has an argument with an on/off gf. Too many red flags, you dodged a bullet. Block him from the dating apps, social media and messaging apps. At least you found out early so it's easier to move on from the disappointment.

Edited August 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[lurker74]

It will be a tough recovery but you should have open communication. Tell him that it sucked but that you recognize it wasn't that he sucked so you'd like to try again. But the ground rules need to state that you BOTH throw away date two and pretend it didn't happen. Otherwise, it's just too much psychic weight holding down the third date and you, him, or both will end up trying too hard for it to feel good. 

[kismetkismet]

Ehhhh, if it was just a bad mood then I'd be tempted to give him another shot, but there are just a couple too many red flags here. Him texting and not listening while you're telling him a serious story about your family, him asking how old your cousin is and saying she's hot? No thank you. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

That's why I'm wondering if it was a fluke or not. He could've been tired, or the first date mask could have been off. It was just pretty bad, one of the worst dates I've been on in a while. But I guess I'd need a third to really know.

I mean there's tired...and then there's A-hole territory. When I'm tired I'm low-energy but I don't act like I don't want to be near the person who I actually set up a date (friendship nowadays, obviously) with. And ESPECIALLY when it comes to dating...the beginning, when we're all on our best behavior, is probably the *best* you're going to get. 

You said you just got that vibe from him from the beginning...not like tiredness but *like he didn't want to be there*. I feel like that's telling.

SOMETHING happened in between your last text and this date. I may have a suspcious mind but first you two just happened to end up where his ex was (what were the odds? Or do you live in a very small town/very few entertainment options?), and then he talks about how he wants to drive back...to...what...view her again? (Cue creepy Alfred Hitchcock music)

In my perhaps overly-inventive mind I feel like he's a weirdo who's still stalking his ex three years after she jumped him, and he perhaps "accidentally" also "found" her somewhere or other before your date and she told him to go away, and so he was seriously annoyed. Just how it played out in my mind. It might be nothing like that. But...while stuff happens and someone's attitude toward a date can change fast, USUALLY it's either 1. a first date, where expectations, especially looks, it seems, end up being WAY off or 2. the person met someone else, or just really wants someone else.

Just my $0.2.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry, OP. I don't think he was just tired. I think he's just kind of a tool. 

He wanted to leave when he saw his ex. Okay, makes sense. But wanting to drive by again to see if it actually was her? "Joking" about seeing who she was meeting? Not good. 

Whipping out his phone while you're in the middle of speaking about something fairly serious, and changing the topic after he notices you've stopped speaking? Rude. 

Commenting that your cousin is kinda hot? Also rude. 

Sharing stories about being wasted? Eh, rather immature. 

In short, personally, I would not bother going out with him again. Being tired doesn't explain the above red flags. Next. 

[Alvi]

I think he was on his best behavior on your first date. Now you saw him, the real him. This is who he really is. Would you be happy dating the "real" him, not a PG version that he was able to fake on a first date?

Anyhow, the whole process of going out on dates is to find out whether or not you are compatible long term.  I would next him. 

[LibrarianLady89]

I feel like you're all 100% right. I think because we had such a great first date, I was really trying hard to look past all this...and I shouldn't. What a bummer. Also makes me wonder if maybe I'm not paying enough attention if I didn't see any of this on the first date. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

I feel like you're all 100% right. I think because we had such a great first date, I was really trying hard to look past all this...and I shouldn't. What a bummer. Also makes me wonder if maybe I'm not paying enough attention if I didn't see any of this on the first date. 

Yeah, unfortunately you'll have to toss him in the one-and-done bin.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

That's why I'm wondering if it was a fluke or not. He could've been tired, or the first date mask could have been off. It was just pretty bad, one of the worst dates I've been on in a while. But I guess I'd need a third to really know.

 

This can happen....  did you ask when talking during the week how was his day with work?  

Have a date 3 as a tie breaker.  Look at doing some sort of activity instead of just drinks and a meal.

 

[FudgeSwirl]

It's normal to be off when someone is tired and maybe even cranky.  However, if something doesn't feel right it means because it isn't.

Because you've only had one other date this is still the time where people usually want to continue to leave a good impression on the other person.  If he was really just exhausted because of work or other things in his life and wasn't up to his date, he should have cancelled but set up a specific date and time for a rescheduled date so he didn't come across as he wasn't interested.

I understand that a few other things that went on like seeing his ex probably exacerbated how he was feeling.  In spite of that when you finally did find a place and sat down his lack of attention, especially when you were telling him something serious which he had pressed you for, and the comment he made about your cousin are totally off even with his later apology.  

I wouldn't even bother reaching out to him.  If he reaches out to you and asks for a third date, you can try and feel things out but if that's something you don't want to do you shouldn't feel guilty or judgmental at all.  He was the one that was a dud, not you.

[CaliforniaGirl]

34 minutes ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

I feel like you're all 100% right. I think because we had such a great first date, I was really trying hard to look past all this...and I shouldn't. What a bummer. Also makes me wonder if maybe I'm not paying enough attention if I didn't see any of this on the first date. 

Well, no, everyone is on their best behavior on the first date.

[Mystery4u]

Definitely do not go out with him again.

If he can't even be bothered to show his best side on the 2nd date then what does that tell you.

[Wiseman2]

First date + Second date = Third date

[kismetkismet]

1 hour ago, LibrarianLady89 said:

Also makes me wonder if maybe I'm not paying enough attention if I didn't see any of this on the first date. 

I wouldn't worry about that. People are usually on their absolute best behaviour in the first few dates. That's why you shouldn't go all in after just a few dates - you've only really seen one side of them.

But that's also why bad behaviour within the first few dates is SUCH a bad sign. If that stuff is happening when he's on his best behaviour, I wouldn't want to wait around to find out what he's like when he lets his guard down. 

[LibrarianLady89]

13 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Definitely do not go out with him again.

If he can't even be bothered to show his best side on the 2nd date then what does that tell you.

So true. 

I think I'm just so tired of dating, my judgment is slipping. Might be time for a break. 

[Watercolors]

His behavior on the 2nd date was atrocious. Jesus. You're telling him a personal story about your brother and he just ignores you by texting on his cellphone? Then calling your cousin "hot" when you showed him a video of her, was so inappropriate. I would have up and left at that point and cabbed it home. Then complaining about the whole night and not letting you finish your drink at the end of the meal. That's not "he's tired," that's just plain rude behavior. Tired, my ass. The whole part where you had to leave the first restaurant because he saw a woman who resembled his ex, would have been the deal breaker for me personally. I would have ended the date at that point. He basically was an a**h*** the entire night to you. Do *not* waste your time on a third date with this dud. 

Maybe he met another woman in between his great date with you and your 2nd date, and was actually texting her on your 2nd date. You never know. Too many red flags from that 2nd date to justify going on a 3rd date with him. And why be honest with him that he was such an a**h***? He knows he was an a**h***. The problem is: he doesn't care.

Sending you those texts after a s***ty 2nd date was his way to cover up his s***ty behavior. The flirty texts he sent were total nonsense, fyi, and meant to try to distract you from holding him accountable via text about what a dick he was on the 2nd date. 

It's not that your judgment is slipping. Don't take on his a**h***ry behavior as your fault. No way is it your fault. He was probably genuinely excited to meet you on your first date. But, he probably met another woman after that, and went on the 2nd date with you as a way to confirm his interest in you versus his interest in her. I don't buy his whole pathetic excuse about having a bad work week, being tired, etc. Sorry, but if you are really into someone, a bad work week and lack of sleep doesn't suddenly turn you into a total dick on the 2nd date with the person you're are supposedly super attracted to. That's just b to the s. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[poppyfields]

I agree his behavior was atrocious, rude, obnoxious, I could go on...

It was so bad in fact, it almost sounds intentional. I mean, assuming the guy has two brain cells to rub together, he knows how to behave properly, like a decent human being while on a date. 

If he felt like crap, he could've cancelled and immediately rescheduled for a other time. That is not ghosting and no one, unless they're extremely paranoid and distrustful, would be put off by that.

Same if he met another woman after your first date and decided he liked her better.

Point is he did not have to go on this second date with you, but yet he did and chose (yes chose) to act like a complete arse!

But why? That's the question.  

Now to me, it almost sounds like he was attempting to push you away, and it was intentional. 

Some sort of shyt test to see how you'd react.  Like a kid does with his mum.

Whether you're the type to tolerate shyt behaviour.  Whether you're the type to stand up for yourself and tell him to go to hell.  Walk out when he got on his cell while telling the story of your brother.

I don't know but something definitely sounds off about this.  

Even a**h***s don't act that ass-holey!  

If he didnt like you, he still could have acted decent.  Gone through the motions and then not called for a third date.

I know this sounds crazy, but given the way you described how well you clicked on your first date, it's possible he really likes you, but just another guy who's afraid of his own shadow when it comes to dating and that fear manifested to him behaving like an utter jerk.

I've read about that happening with some men (and women).  It's a version of the "fight or flight" response to fear.  Fear of intimacy, fear of commitment.

In any event, I'd toss this one back!  

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Velvet teddy]

On 8/28/2020 at 9:12 PM, LibrarianLady89 said:

So true. 

I think I'm just so tired of dating, my judgment is slipping. Might be time for a break. 

I wouldn't give this one another chance, don't bother.

He pretty much disrespected you the entire night. Perhaps one thing you could have overlooked but all of that. No way.

[Wiseman2]

Learning to let go and when to cut your loses is the most important navigation tool you can have in life.

Don't get overly focused on acquisitions and hanging on to anything and everything.

Streamline your life and know what to toss.

[Dork Vader]

On 8/28/2020 at 8:54 AM, LibrarianLady89 said:

Except we get in the car and he's going on and on about how he's not sure if it was really her or not, he kind of wants to drive by again and see, etc.

I quit reading after this. This guy is obsessive and clearly not over his ex. That is not normal behavior. I could careless if I see an ex at a restaurant, especially if I'm on a date. Talking about ex's while dating is a huge red flag. People start doing that move on, it means they are not over what happened between them and their ex. 

Never mind the fact that the guy was rude and verbally abusive on a second date.  If he's this bad now, what is it going to be like in the future?

Edited August 30, 2020 by Dork Vader

[Uptown182]

On 8/28/2020 at 2:37 PM, LibrarianLady89 said:

I feel like you're all 100% right. I think because we had such a great first date, I was really trying hard to look past all this...and I shouldn't. What a bummer. Also makes me wonder if maybe I'm not paying enough attention if I didn't see any of this on the first date. 

I had this happen to me a few years ago.  Had one of the best first dates with a guy the a week later had one of the worst second dates with him.  I think for me it was a compatibility issue, however I know how disappointing that can be. 
 

This guy sounds like he knows he might’ve screwed up the second date, so if he asks you out a third time I’d go just to make sure.  You should know by the third date if you want to continue with him.  If he acts like he did on the second date then you’ll know that’s just who he and he’s not for you.

[ShyViolet]

Yeah I would definitely not go out with this guy again.  Being "tired" or "off" does not explain his behavior.  He was being just plain rude.  It almost sounds like he was intentionally trying to sabotage the date.  He's either a rude person with no manners, or has issues of some kind.