Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear that. Is there another good trusted friend, adult or relative you could confide in?. Do you think you rely on him because of troubles at home? Have you googled abusive relationships? It would be a shame if this burns into your brain as your first impression of how guys are. I don't rely on anyone. I would want to be supported, but I know that people come and go and the way he is making me feel, can't make me rely on him. He called me now, making me feel even worse. He said " if I would list all you have done to me and what I have done for you, you would feel terrible and need much time to recover from it, but I don't do it because I love you" And then he said me that when we fight, he gets angry and worries his mom and dad and that is my fault. What makes it worse is that he is blaming me for everything, even for his family. And I am pretty sure that if my mom and dad would knew how he treats me, would be more than just worried as he pretends his parents to be. His parents as well wouldn't accept this behaviour because they really like me. They were always the ones who kept telling him, don't f*** things with that girl because you will never find like her and you will regret it.
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 1 hour ago, delani said: I don't rely on anyone. I would want to be supported, but I know that people come and go and the way he is making me feel, can't make me rely on him. He called me now, making me feel even worse. He said " if I would list all you have done to me and what I have done for you, you would feel terrible and need much time to recover from it, but I don't do it because I love you" And then he said me that when we fight, he gets angry and worries his mom and dad and that is my fault. What makes it worse is that he is blaming me for everything, even for his family. And I am pretty sure that if my mom and dad would knew how he treats me, would be more than just worried as he pretends his parents to be. His parents as well wouldn't accept this behaviour because they really like me. They were always the ones who kept telling him, don't f*** things with that girl because you will never find like her and you will regret it. Now that is not true. You rely on your abusive boyfriend as you have stayed with him for 2 years straight. He is lying to you about his parents being upset with how you treat him. That is called manipulation. He is lying to you about how your so-called actions mess up his life. That is called manipulation. I agree with the other posters. You refuse to take any responsibility for your actions which is a huge problem and why abusive relationships like this happen. And I am not sure why you refuse to take any responsibility here. That worries me because you are in college so you are a smart young woman. But for some reason, you stay with someone like him, who constantly verbally and emotionally abuses you -- for two years. When is 'enough' for you? How much more abuse will you allow? As long as you choose to stay with your boyfriend, you are responsible for your actions with him. He cannot control what your choices are, unless you give him that control. Do you? Do you allow your boyfriend to tell you what to do, what to think, what to feel? You will only stop suffering from this relationship when you end it with your abusive boyfriend. And, I really don't understand why that is a problem since you and he live in two different countries. There is absolutely no logical reason for you to stay with someone like him when he is geographically not even in your country. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? A good or bad relationship? Do you tend to hide everything from them? Or do you trust your parents? 1
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 18 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Now that is not true. You rely on your abusive boyfriend as you have stayed with him for 2 years straight. He is lying to you about his parents being upset with how you treat him. That is called manipulation. He is lying to you about how your so-called actions mess up his life. That is called manipulation. I agree with the other posters. You refuse to take any responsibility for your actions which is a huge problem and why abusive relationships like this happen. And I am not sure why you refuse to take any responsibility here. That worries me because you are in college so you are a smart young woman. But for some reason, you stay with someone like him, who constantly verbally and emotionally abuses you -- for two years. When is 'enough' for you? How much more abuse will you allow? As long as you choose to stay with your boyfriend, you are responsible for your actions with him. He cannot control what your choices are, unless you give him that control. Do you? Do you allow your boyfriend to tell you what to do, what to think, what to feel? You will only stop suffering from this relationship when you end it with your abusive boyfriend. And, I really don't understand why that is a problem since you and he live in two different countries. There is absolutely no logical reason for you to stay with someone like him when he is geographically not even in your country. What kind of relationship do you have with your parents? A good or bad relationship? Do you tend to hide everything from them? Or do you trust your parents? I do trust my parents. I haven't hidden anything from them except this, because I never found the time to tell them. And what I said that I don't rely on anyone, I meant financially or for my problems or things like these. I fell in love with him and that is the reason I am not sure, but is not that I am so blind and can't see what he is doing or saying. I know it is wrong. I just needed the strength to end it.
Nuntius Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 On 8/28/2020 at 2:52 PM, delani said: Last night I was videocalling with my boyfriend (long-distance) and was ready to fall asleep because I was very tired. He told me to wake him up in the morning because I would wake up early to go to school. Actually I am really full this month because I am doing a practice and have to work long hours and don't have time even to pee (more than 8 hours) and I have also some other problems. This morning it was raining and I was late and I forgot to call him, though I texted him two times. It is not that I wasn't thinking of him, I just forgot that I had to wake him up. He got mad and very angry at me. I understand him to be mad, but he should understand me too because I have a mess in my head and I am so stressed. I am even going to school with few hours of sleep. What is your opinion? If you agreed to wake him up and you didn't, making him late for work, then he has every right to be upset. It was an agreement between the two of you and you let him down. That said, I'm not sure why he would ask you to wake him up in the first place rather than just using an alarm clock unless this is one of your relationship rituals. My ex-wife and I had many relationship rituals with regards to basic responsibilities around the house. One of mine was taking out the trash. If I forgot to take out the trash when it was pretty much chiseled in stone that that was my responsibility, then she would have had every right to be upset with me about it same way your boyfriend was upset with you if waking him up in the morning was part of your own relationship ritual.
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, Nuntius said: If you agreed to wake him up and you didn't, making him late for work, then he has every right to be upset. It was an agreement between the two of you and you let him down. That said, I'm not sure why he would ask you to wake him up in the first place rather than just using an alarm clock unless this is one of your relationship rituals. My ex-wife and I had many relationship rituals with regards to basic responsibilities around the house. One of mine was taking out the trash. If I forgot to take out the trash when it was pretty much chiseled in stone that that was my responsibility, then she would have had every right to be upset with me about it same way your boyfriend was upset with you if waking him up in the morning was part of your own relationship ritual. It has never been a ritual. He didn't go to work not because of me. The day I woke him up, he slept again after he hung up the call. The next day he still didn't go to work. The day I forgot to wake him up, his sister did it, but he still didn't go to work. (Anyway he doesn't want to work anymore there, he is quitting it, that is why he doesn't care if he doesn't go).
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 7 minutes ago, delani said: I do trust my parents. I haven't hidden anything from them except this, because I never found the time to tell them. And what I said that I don't rely on anyone, I meant financially or for my problems or things like these. I fell in love with him and that is the reason I am not sure, but is not that I am so blind and can't see what he is doing or saying. I know it is wrong. I just needed the strength to end it. Have your parents met your boyfriend during the two years that you've dated him? Or do they think you are still single and away at college? Quote I haven't hidden anything from them except this, because I never found the time to tell them. Now that is an excuse. I'm sorry. But it is. You are choosing not to tell them. Will they punish you financially (take away your money for your lifestyle) if you confide to them that your boyfriend is abusing you? Will they tell you, you are a terrible daughter with a weak character because you are dating such a mean guy? What is the real reason you haven't told your parents? It's not because you 'haven't found the time.' Don't end your relationship with your boyfriend because strangers on a forum tell you to end it. End the relationship with your boyfriend because you feel like it is what is best for you. We are only responding to what you have written here out of concern, and because some of us have direct experience with emotional and verbal abuse from relationship partners. It's obvious this relationship has taken a real toll on you. But, you have to decide for yourself when you are ready to be 100% done with your boyfriend. Until you make that decision, you need to talk to your parents. They will emotionally support you. Yes, they will worry about you but that's not something you can dictate or control. Parents who love their children worry about their children. I really don't understand why you hide this relationship from them. Do they even know he exists?
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, delani said: It has never been a ritual. He didn't go to work not because of me. The day I woke him up, he slept again after he hung up the call. The next day he still didn't go to work. The day I forgot to wake him up, his sister did it, but he still didn't go to work. (Anyway he doesn't want to work anymore there, he is quitting it, that is why he doesn't care if he doesn't go). He lives at home rent-free and is quitting his job. He doesn't go to college. He has NO responsibilities and lives off of his parents. Yet, somehow, you are defending his horrible behavior. He went to bed after he was done yelling at you on the phone and you've put up with this childish behavior for 2 years? How old is this guy? 17? Why are you defending him? I just don't understand. I really don't. Edited August 31, 2020 by Watercolors 1
Nuntius Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 5 minutes ago, delani said: It has never been a ritual. He didn't go to work not because of me. The day I woke him up, he slept again after he hung up the call. The next day he still didn't go to work. The day I forgot to wake him up, his sister did it, but he still didn't go to work. (Anyway he doesn't want to work anymore there, he is quitting it, that is why he doesn't care if he doesn't go). If he doesn't even care about his job, then getting mad at you for not waking him up sounds more like a control thing. I do know some people that sleep through their alarm clock and have even done it myself on occasion so based on the limited information in your OP I viewed this from the standpoint of you agreeing to do something for him that you failed to do and it made him late for work. Tell him that you aren't his personal alarm clock and remind him that you have a lot on your plate right now. If he can't understand or respect that, then he's not the kind of guy you want to keep around. 1
balletomane Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) You remind me a lot of myself. Like you, I struggled to take any responsibility for my situation...but I did take an awful lot of blame. Blame and responsibility aren't the same thing. Taking blame means sitting there while the abuser tells you how hurt and guilty you would feel if he listed all the ways you've let him down, and all manner of other cruel manipulative things. Taking responsibility means saying, "I'm not going to accept this treatment any more," and walking away. I only found courage to cut contact with my ex when I knew with absolute certainty that there was no hope of him continuing a relationship with me. In your case, being in separate countries might make it easier to walk away. Tell yourself this: the problem isn't that you're not strong enough to leave, the problem is that you're pouring your strength into the wrong place. Anyone who tolerates two years of abuse while studying and still functioning is tough. Use that strength to get yourself out of the abusive situation rather than using it to help you bear it. Edited August 31, 2020 by balletomane
basil67 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 4 hours ago, delani said: I don't know but I hate the fact that I am always the one crying, the one that tries to make things work. He keeps syaing he is not feeling like he has a girlfriend because I am "cold". He is saying that he never felt loved and it hurts beacuse it looks like he is forgetting all the things I have done for him, even the times when I have put him above anything else. I am hating myself. It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. He doesn't even value what I have done for him. @delani did you know that you don't need to have the breakup talk with someone when he behaves like your boyfriend? Next time he abuses you (like tomorrow or the day after), just block him on all platforms. No warning....just don't reply and block. Thing is, when someone says that you're a terrible girlfriend and he's so miserable with you, it's fair to take that as a breakup talk.....hence, no discussion required. However, if you can't be as brutal as he is, there's also a custom made line for ditching a complaining partner: "I need to end it with you. I'm tired of feeling like I'm letting you down and you need someone who can meet your needs - and I clearly am not that woman" If he yells or abuses you after you've said this, just end the call/text without warning and block him on all platforms. Lastly, I'm really concerned that you're hanging on because you might regret it. I know your friend has said this to you and I'm sure she cares. But she's way out of line expecting you to give your abuser further chances. I don't suppose she's a friend of his? 1
poppyfields Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) delani, I dated a man for a few months, at first he was kind, caring, respectful, then eventually he began to verbally abuse, insult, criticize, HE played the victim. Just like your boyfriend is doing! I couldn't do anything right, it was ridiculous!! That didn't last long before I gave it right back! One day after one of his insults, I said quite assertively "since you find so many things WRONG with me, why the f*ck do you stay with me? What does that say about YOU that you choose to remain in a relationship with a woman you don't even seem to like?! Whatever it is, low self-esteem, weakness or whatever, it's causing me to lose respect for you and to not like you." That shut him up REAL fast, but it was too late, I broke up with him. He cried and begged (literally) but it was too late, damage had been done!! delani, stand up to him, he's an abusive bully! Then after you stand up to him, dump him, then block. I promise you will feel soooo much better after doing this, it's very empowering, it will change your life and how you feel about yourself, I promise!! Edited August 31, 2020 by poppyfields 2
basil67 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 36 minutes ago, Nuntius said: If you agreed to wake him up and you didn't, making him late for work, then he has every right to be upset. It was an agreement between the two of you and you let him down. That said, I'm not sure why he would ask you to wake him up in the first place rather than just using an alarm clock unless this is one of your relationship rituals. My ex-wife and I had many relationship rituals with regards to basic responsibilities around the house. One of mine was taking out the trash. If I forgot to take out the trash when it was pretty much chiseled in stone that that was my responsibility, then she would have had every right to be upset with me about it same way your boyfriend was upset with you if waking him up in the morning was part of your own relationship ritual. Of course, there are different ways to do relationships. In my relationship, while we do have a few different responsibilities, we each have the back of the other. If I notice something hasn't been done, I will remind him or do it myself. Likewise, he will do the same for me. And not in a million years would either of us get upset at someone who forgot their job once in a while.
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 20 minutes ago, basil67 said: Lastly, I'm really concerned that you're hanging on because you might regret it. I know your friend has said this to you and I'm sure she cares. But she's way out of line expecting you to give your abuser further chances. I don't suppose she's a friend of his? Good point, basil67. What if she is a friend of the OP's boyfriend. Her pressuring the OP to stay with him would make sense if that is the case. Surely, no friend of the OP would pressure her to stay with a boyfriend who behaves so immaturely all the time. OP, what is there to regret by breaking up with this young man? I am asking that to you as a serious question. What good does he bring to your life? So far, all we've read is how horrible he is to you. And how much you want to end it but you won't because you are afraid to be alone. 1
kendahke Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 49 minutes ago, delani said: Anyway he doesn't want to work anymore there, he is quitting it, that is why he doesn't care if he doesn't go But I'll bet he's going to care when he finds out he's been fired for not showing up and that goes on his employment record. Stupid git. It'll be a long time before he can escape that bête noire and he will have brought that on himself by himself, but blame you for it forever. 1
kendahke Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 There is not enough love, not enough turning yourself inside out that is going to appease this guy and turn him into someone he's been showing you he has no interest in being. That much has fallen out at your feet in experience for 2 years now. When exactly do you think his change in behavior is going to kick in? How much longer do you think his treatment of you is going to last until he stops manipulating you? How many more years of your youth are you going to squander behind someone who doesn't have even remedial 001 level of respect for you? The more you grovel, the less respect he has for you... because why should he respect someone who will let him, metaphorically, put his foot up their behind? Doormats are for wiping feet on, not for placing in a place where one's most precious goods are stored. He doesn't view you as something precious. He views you as a doormat because you are acting like one. The minute you raise your value and act like it, his behavior may change--no guarantee, though because as soon as you revert back to doormat behavior, so will his change. He is incapable of being who you need and it's beyond clear that you two are totally and irreparably incompatible. This is not the kind of guy to stick things through with. Do yourself a huge favor: look up the site youarenotcrazy dot com. I think you may be enlightened about your situation. 1
Wiseman2 Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 Any guy who makes you cry isn't worth crying over. 1
Watercolors Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Any guy who makes you cry isn't worth crying over. With the exception of actor Alan Rickman in the 1990 movie "Truly, Madly, Deeply." Such a great love story *sigh* 2
smackie9 Posted September 1, 2020 Posted September 1, 2020 awww dear you are saying you spent 2 years with someone that blames you for him feeling insecure? Belittles you, makes sure he pounds your self esteem in to the ground making you work even harder to prove you love??? That's mental abuse, toxic, unhealthy. Can't let go? That's the ploy to keep you under their thumb, Controlling you, keeping you isolated from socially interacting with others. Don't you see it? And you are worried about regret? Regret from what. There is nothing right about him or your relationship. Girl it's time for YOU to dump his ass. Once you spend some time out of his grasp, you will see the light. A life of freedom, freer spirit, feel like yourself again, a life of self worth, and happiness. You will be rewarded with new friendships, a social life, a feeling of belonging. You have been denied this for 2 years...during the best years of your life, thrown away because of this abusive jerk.
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