Alvi Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Well, you can improve your self-esteem. The very first step should be getting rid of him. It would do wonders for your self esteem in a long run. The second step should be to seek some counselling. Like I asked you before, what is keeping you with him? You are just girlfriend and boyfriend, you are not married. Nothing more than that. You don't have kids with him. He doesn't love or respect you. Since you live in different countries now, getting rid of him should be super easy. You can send him an e-mail and block him on everything.
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, Alvi said: Well, you can improve your self-esteem. The very first step should be getting rid of him. It would do wonders for your self esteem in a long run. The second step should be to seek some counselling. Like I asked you before, what is keeping you with him? You are just girlfriend and boyfriend, you are not married. Nothing more than that. You don't have kids with him. He doesn't love or respect you. Since you live in different countries now, getting rid of him should be super easy. You can send him an e-mail and block him on everything. Yes we live in different countries but I go there often, for example I am going in a week and coming back for studies in a month.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Just now, delani said: Yes we live in different countries but I go there often, for example I am going in a week and coming back for studies in a month. All the more reason to break up with him now. You are very likely to get sucked back in when you go there and see him in person, so it's better to end it and avoid seeing him at all. He's a little punk, delani. This type of abuse usually escalates over time as the abuser wears you down more and more. You're having a hard time now because you're worried you'll regret it. That's your poor self-esteem speaking and worrying you can't do better. But when you get back to a healthier emotional place? You will cringe at the fact that you ever allowed this to continue. You will wonder what in the heck you were afraid of regretting, and why you enabled this. You will make room in your life for a real man who respects women. This clown isn't one of them. Women with good self-esteem would tell this miserable little jackass to piss off the first time he dared treat them this way. You can be one of them, but it has to start with you. He isn't going to change, but you sure can. Otherwise, the likely outcome is that he will continue being horrible to you until he one day he breaks it off and doesn't come back, because hes's found someone else to manipulate and mistreat. This guy isn't The One, I promise you that. This relationship has an expiration date. Just depends on how much more abuse you want to endure before you get there. 1
Alvi Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) I hate to say it to you, but it is going to get worse and worse for you if you choose to stay with him. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, the amount of abuse will only escalate. You can do absolutely everything he expects or wants you to do but it is still not going to be enough for him. That is what abusers do. It is going to continue till you decide you had enough. End it, till he destroys you more. Edited August 31, 2020 by Alvi 1
Els Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Jesus, does anyone over the age of 7 get mad that someone else didn't wake them up??? What a little whiner.
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 1 hour ago, delani said: for example I am going in a week and coming back for studies in a month. Please tell us you are not going...
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Delani, you've put up with his abuse for 2 years. And you won't break up with him because you said you'll regret it? What exactly will you regret? He's completely brain washed you and conditioned you to respond to his abuse like a child: he rages, then you apologize for his rage as if it's your fault. That is a cycle of abuse. And you've allowed this cycle for 2 years. Yes, you definitely have low to no self-esteem, because you simply refuse to take initiative to walk away from a very abusive man who has fooled you into thinking that he genuinely cares for you. He does not care about you at all. And I think you've known this on some level for two years, but something keeps you connected to him. What do you think keeps you connected to someone so mean and abusive? Why can't you end things with him? Why won't you end things with him?
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Delani, you've put up with his abuse for 2 years. And you won't break up with him because you said you'll regret it? What exactly will you regret? He's completely brain washed you and conditioned you to respond to his abuse like a child: he rages, then you apologize for his rage as if it's your fault. That is a cycle of abuse. And you've allowed this cycle for 2 years. Yes, you definitely have low to no self-esteem, because you simply refuse to take initiative to walk away from a very abusive man who has fooled you into thinking that he genuinely cares for you. He does not care about you at all. And I think you've known this on some level for two years, but something keeps you connected to him. What do you think keeps you connected to someone so mean and abusive? Why can't you end things with him? Why won't you end things with him? I don't know but I hate the fact that I am always the one crying, the one that tries to make things work. He keeps syaing he is not feeling like he has a girlfriend because I am "cold". He is saying that he never felt loved and it hurts beacuse it looks like he is forgetting all the things I have done for him, even the times when I have put him above anything else. I am hating myself. It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. He doesn't even value what I have done for him. Edited August 31, 2020 by delani
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Just now, delani said: I am hating myself. And he hates you. Abusers have fun hurting you. Do your parents know about him/this? Did they send their daughter to school to waste her time being a punching bag for a power hungry sadist? You need to break your addiction to this. 2
Els Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 2 minutes ago, delani said: It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. Indeed. And the worst thing you can do is to keep on wasting your time on him. Beware of the sunk cost fallacy.
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 1 minute ago, delani said: I don't know but I hate the fact that I am always the one crying, the one that tries to make things work. He keeps syaing he is not feeling like he has a girlfriend because I am "cold". He is saying that he never felt loved and it hurts beacuse it looks like he is forgetting all the things I have done for him, even the times when I have put him above anything else. I am hating myself. It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. Delani he has abused you for two years. He isn't going to change. You already know this. You put up with him because you don't want to be alone. Am I right? Yes, you have invested 2 years of your life on the wrong guy. It happens. You need to decide: are you going to put up with his behavior or are you going to end things FINALLY and be done with him. Breakups are hard. But, what is your alternative? Stay with an abuser or break up with the abuser and heal yourself and find a guy to date who doesn't abuse you.
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: And he hates you. Abusers have fun hurting you. Do your parents know about him/this? Did they send their daughter to school to waste her time being a punching bag for a power hungry sadist? You need to break your addiction to this. They don't know
balletomane Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) I was in an abusive relationship for two years with a man who sounds extremely similar to your boyfriend. When I read the part about him telling you that you'd "made his day as awful as you are", I remembered my ex telling me, "You've ruined me", "It's a good thing you're crazy. That's the only thing that keeps you from being completely evil", and "You've destroyed our relationship with your selfish and violent behaviour", before proceeding to act as if he'd never said those things and to deny them if I brought them up. His outbursts were always triggered by such unpredictable things - the "selfish and violent" comment came when I, a doctor, didn't agree with his views on what medication I should take for painful periods. When I pointed out that I was more knowledgeable than him on medical matters, he started accusing me of "gaslighting" and "abusing" him by acting as if his opinions didn't matter. He was screaming and crying and saying awful things. It was relentless. The reason I stayed was because abuse creates an addictive cycle: during the times when he acted as if nothing bad had happened, he would be very pleasant, my panic would subside, and I'd feel relieved and grateful that he'd taken all that sick-making fear away. When he was being cruel, on some subconscious level I clung to him all the more, because I believed that only he could stop the hurt. This is a similar loop to the one that drug users are trapped in - they know that heroin is hurting them, they know that they need to get clean, but the withdrawal is so awful that they decide that they just need a little bit more. Then maybe they'll stop. Maybe. My relationship ended exactly as ExpatInItaly warned that yours will: my ex cheated on me with another woman, and once he was sure she wanted a relationship with him, he discarded me. He did kindly let me know that he still wanted me around to help him with his emotional state, because he didn't feel able to talk to his new girlfriend about everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I told him we would no longer have any contact and blocked him on everything, then went to bed and slept like a baby. Recovery was painful, but absolutely worth it. I've gone from being someone who was low in confidence and who thought that all my achievements were flukes to being a confident person who doesn't tolerate that kind of rubbish in my life any more. This is going to end painfully no matter what, so you might as well take some control and rip the Band-Aid off. Edited to add: I've just seen that your parents don't know about this. This tells me that you know your boyfriend's behaviour isn't normal, because if it were there would be no need to keep it a secret. You know they'd be angry on your behalf if they knew. Hiding abuse from your loved ones is a way of trying to convince yourself that your situation is actually fine. It isn't fine. Edited August 31, 2020 by balletomane 1 1
kendahke Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 26 minutes ago, delani said: I hate the fact that I am always the one crying, the one that tries to make things work. He keeps syaing he is not feeling like he has a girlfriend because I am "cold". He is saying that he never felt loved and it hurts beacuse it looks like he is forgetting all the things I have done for him, even the times when I have put him above anything else. I am hating myself. It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. He doesn't even value what I have done for him. That's straight up manipulation. He's more invested in his manipulation of you than he is in your feelings---and it's working. You're confusing manipulation with love. A whole entire universe can fit in between the difference between those two.
kendahke Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 6 minutes ago, delani said: They don't know it's time you stop protecting him from people who actually do care for and love you. 1
Acacia98 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 28 minutes ago, delani said: I don't know but I hate the fact that I am always the one crying, the one that tries to make things work. He keeps syaing he is not feeling like he has a girlfriend because I am "cold". He is saying that he never felt loved and it hurts beacuse it looks like he is forgetting all the things I have done for him, even the times when I have put him above anything else. I am hating myself. It looks like I have given my time the wrong person. He doesn't even value what I have done for him. He hasn't actually forgotten what you've done for him. He just pretends you haven't done anything so that he can justify treating you like dirt. There's a part of me that wishes you'd tell him he was right (that you were cold and he didn't have a girlfriend) then block him on social media and on the phone. If someone feels you're adding no value to his life, it's time to send him on his merry way. Let him go find this "warm" girlfriend and leave you to find someone who will appreciate what you have to offer.
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, balletomane said: I was in an abusive relationship for two years with a man who sounds extremely similar to your boyfriend. When I read the part about him telling you that you'd "made his day as awful as you are", I remembered my ex telling me, "You've ruined me", "It's a good thing you're crazy. That's the only thing that keeps you from being completely evil", and "You've destroyed our relationship with your selfish and violent behaviour", before proceeding to act as if he'd never said those things and to deny them if I brought them up. His outbursts were always triggered by such unpredictable things - the "selfish and violent" comment came when I, a doctor, didn't agree with his views on what medication I should take for painful periods. When I pointed out that I was more knowledgeable than him on medical matters, he started accusing me of "gaslighting" and "abusing" him by acting as if his opinions didn't matter. He was screaming and crying and saying awful things. It was relentless. The reason I stayed was because abuse creates an addictive cycle: during the times when he acted as if nothing bad had happened, he would be very pleasant, my panic would subside, and I'd feel relieved and grateful that he'd taken all that sick-making fear away. When he was being cruel, on some subconscious level I clung to him all the more, because I believed that only he could stop the hurt. This is a similar loop to the one that drug users are trapped in - they know that heroin is hurting them, they know that they need to get clean, but the withdrawal is so awful that they decide that they just need a little bit more. Then maybe they'll stop. Maybe. My relationship ended exactly as ExpatInItaly warned that yours will: my ex cheated on me with another woman, and once he was sure she wanted a relationship with him, he discarded me. He did kindly let me know that he still wanted me around to help him with his emotional state, because he didn't feel able to talk to his new girlfriend about everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I told him we would no longer have any contact and blocked him on everything, then went to bed and slept like a baby. Recovery was painful, but absolutely worth it. I've gone from being someone who was low in confidence and who thought that all my achievements were flukes to being a confident person who doesn't tolerate that kind of rubbish in my life any more. This is going to end painfully no matter what, so you might as well take some control and rip the Band-Aid off. Edited to add: I've just seen that your parents don't know about this. This tells me that you know your boyfriend's behaviour isn't normal, because if it were there would be no need to keep it a secret. You know they'd be angry on your behalf if they knew. Hiding abuse from your loved ones is a way of trying to convince yourself that your situation is actually fine. It isn't fine. I am sorry to hear that and reading your story made me cry. My boyfriend tells me the same "You ruined my life", "Sometimes I ask myself what did I want with you", "You are selfish and think about your problems", "You don't consider our relationship a problem", "You destroyed our relationship", "Insulting you doesn't mean anything, they are just words, and I feel worse than you when I insult you", "You show me love when I show you love" (actually I don't know how he expects me to show him love when he has been yelling and insulting me the whole day) Edited August 31, 2020 by delani
Watercolors Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 (edited) 11 minutes ago, delani said: I am sorry to hear that and reading your story made me cry. My boyfriend tells me the same "You ruined my life", "Sometimes I ask myself what did I want with you", "You are selfish and think about your problems", "You don't consider our relationship a problem", "Insulting you doesn't mean anything, they are just words, and I feel worse than you when I insult you", "You show me love when I show you love" (actually I don't know how he expects me to show him love when he has been yelling and insulting me the whole day) So, find the strength to leave him now. And..stop making excuses. The only person you hurt with your excuses, is yourself. Stop hiding his abuse from your parents and friends. Stop hiding his abuse from yourself. It will be hard to do, but you can do it. You need to break the cycle of abuse. And he is the cause of it. As balletome aptly pointed out to you: leaving an abuser is not easy nor is it pleasant. But it is necessary to do, if you want your life back. You won't leave your boyfriend until you've hit rock bottom. After 2 years, you clearly haven't hit rock bottom yet with him, as you still justify his behavior as being necessary when you know in fact he is abusive and ruining your life. We are here to support you so continue to post as often as you can. Edited August 31, 2020 by Watercolors
elaine567 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 In a week go home to your parents and tell them all about it... Stay there until it is time to restart your studies. 1
healing light Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 On 8/29/2020 at 10:28 AM, poppyfields said: I think he is causing her to doubt her sanity though, isn't he? She just posted that she is utterly confused why he just dumped her and blaming her. Questioning if she did something wrong, doubting herself and her own behavior. I'm reading The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern right now. Some of the forms can be so subtle that I wouldn't have originally called them gaslighting, but they are according to the author. And I think these unhealthy dynamics are at play in this relationship, as well. Acting like she's not a reasonable person and lashing out at her because she didn't physically call to wake him and her taking on his perspective over her own and questioning whether she's a good partner, etc. are par for the course in the stages of gaslighting outlined in the book. The important thing, OP, is to leave at these first signs of red flags rather than need the approval or love of your abusive partner. More than one fight a week for two years where you're always left blaming and questioning yourself? Sounds totally exhausting. It's less important over who is right or who "wins" the arguments than it is to question whether or not this man's behavior is how you want to be treated in your life. As in, give up on trying to make him understand your intentions or trying to receive his love/approval/making things go smoothly, etc. if he is not ultimately treating you with respect and dignity.
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: In a week go home to your parents and tell them all about it... Stay there until it is time to restart your studies. I can't. My parents have their big problems too. The ones I mentioned above. I don't want to worry them.
kendahke Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 3 minutes ago, delani said: I can't. My parents have their big problems too. The ones I mentioned above. I don't want to worry them. Stop making excuses for not taking responsibility for your actions. Whatever their problems are, they're not as big as their baby being mistreated by a bully and she won't leave and stop taking his abuse. You have an excuse for doing everything but what is in your best interests... none of us here are getting through to you---perhaps it's time for you to take it to a therapist? 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 Delani, without judgment, have you ever been in a relationship before?
Author delani Posted August 31, 2020 Author Posted August 31, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Delani, without judgment, have you ever been in a relationship before? Kind of. I had one before, but I don't see it as relationship
Wiseman2 Posted August 31, 2020 Posted August 31, 2020 28 minutes ago, delani said: I can't. My parents have their big problems too. The ones I mentioned above. I don't want to worry them. Sorry to hear that. Is there another good trusted friend, adult or relative you could confide in?. Do you think you rely on him because of troubles at home? Have you googled abusive relationships? It would be a shame if this burns into your brain as your first impression of how guys are.
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