He got angry because I didn't wake him up

August 29, 2020

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I suspected that.

He doesn't sound like he was a good boyfriend, delani. How long had you been dating, and how often did he lose his temper? Was he often trying to find way to get you to "prove" your love to him?

We had been dating for nearly two years. I can't count times he lost his temper. There were so many. Probably every week there is more than one fight, but I don't know why I hadn't found the strength to break up with him. I wasn't sure because I thought what if i regret it. My friend tells me "I don't know how you are dealing with him. But every time I say to her I am going to break up with him, she says "Take you time and think about it, so you don't regret in the end". So I end up being with him.

And I don't think this was to prove him my love. Or maybe it was. I don't know. I am confused at this point.

August 29, 2020

22 minutes ago, delani said:

I don't know why he didn't set an alarm. Three days before that he asked me to wake him up and I did. This time he got mad and angry

Sounds like he wanted out and he is using this not waking him up BS as an excuse to justify dumping you and blaming you.

It's called gaslighting. He acts like a jerk, you go quiet as a result, and then he turns around and blames you for going quiet and acting cold!

Google gaslighting, learn about it. It's quite common in today's dating environment.

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

August 29, 2020

I am not sure gaslighting is the correct term here.
gaslighting manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

It would be gas lighting if he never told her to wake him up but then swore blind he did and blamed her for not doing it.
That way she doubts herself. She doesn't remember him telling her but he is so adamant that she then believes he might have done and she forgot..

August 29, 2020

52 minutes ago, delani said:

Actually he said that he didn't want to see me anymore and he doesn't feel like I'm his girlfriend because I have been cold. I don't know how he expects me to be warm when he insults me when he gets angry with me. I don't know why he is blaming everything on me.

And this is the point when you have to tell him good bye and never look back. He is manipulating you. Could be various reasons why.

August 29, 2020

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I am not sure gaslighting is the correct term here.
gaslighting manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity.

It would be gas lighting if he never told her to wake him up but then swore blind he did and blamed her for not doing it.
That way she doubts herself. She doesn't remember him telling her but he is so adamant that she then believes he might have done and she forgot..

I think he is causing her to doubt her sanity though, isn't he?

She just posted that she is utterly confused why he just dumped her and blaming her.

Questioning if she did something wrong, doubting herself and her own behavior.

When in fact HE is the one who has been behaving like a jerk.

That is my understanding of gaslighting.

OP, this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong.

Please don't allow him to blame you for being "cold" or not waking him up,.

It's all BS, a manipulation to avoid being the "bad guy" for dumping you and to alleviate himself of any responsibility for being an a**.

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

August 29, 2020

Behaving like a jerk does not equal gaslighting, nor does assigning blame.
Gaslighting has a very specific meaning but like a lot of words with specific meanings they tend to get assigned to anyone behaving badly these days...

August 29, 2020

What you should’ve done, if you didn’t feel like waking him up, is not have told him that you would wake him up. You said you texted him twice but ‘forgot’ to call. You could’ve easily called by the time it took to send two texts.

My ‘friend’ also asked me to wake him up this morning because it was extra important that he got up on time and didn’t trust his alarm.

I said I would and I did. Therefore he knows that he can trust me to do a teeny little thing like this.

If I didn’t want to, I would’ve said no but I didn’t mind. So I did.

Is it many things like this that you drop the ball on or only this thing this time? Is it ever important things?

If there’s ever a next time, just say you don’t want to wake him up because you’re too busy with your own things. Or tell him that you’ll try to wake him up but you can’t be certain that you can so he needs to set his alarm anyway.

It’s never about the little things like this. There’s always a deeper issue. Maybe in this case- there’s other trust issues that he has with you and he sees this time as just another instance where you didn’t care enough to look out for him like you said you would.

August 29, 2020

Fighting every week isn’t normal, OP.

It’s a sign you’re in a bad relationship. Why does you friend have so much influence over your own thoughts and decision-making process? You know deep-down this isn’t making you happy. Start listening to your own feelings and stay away from him for good. You are very unlikely to regret getting rid of a temperamental jerk.

August 29, 2020

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Behaving like a jerk does not equal gaslighting, nor does assigning blame.
Gaslighting has a very specific meaning but like a lot of words with specific meanings they tend to get assigned to anyone behaving badly these days...

This is more than him being a jerk, he's causing her to question herself, her "reality" which is gaslighting.

Not sure why we are debating this, how we label it doesn't matter.

He's an a**h***, he's attempting to manipulate her into accepting blame for something which she bears no blame for.

Good riddance, next!

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

August 29, 2020

27 minutes ago, K.K. said:

What you should’ve done, if you didn’t feel like waking him up, is not have told him that you would wake him up. You said you texted him twice but ‘forgot’ to call. You could’ve easily called by the time it took to send two texts.

My ‘friend’ also asked me to wake him up this morning because it was extra important that he got up on time and didn’t trust his alarm.

I said I would and I did. Therefore he knows that he can trust me to do a teeny little thing like this.

If I didn’t want to, I would’ve said no but I didn’t mind. So I did.

Is it many things like this that you drop the ball on or only this thing this time? Is it ever important things?

If there’s ever a next time, just say you don’t want to wake him up because you’re too busy with your own things. Or tell him that you’ll try to wake him up but you can’t be certain that you can so he needs to set his alarm anyway.

It’s never about the little things like this. There’s always a deeper issue. Maybe in this case- there’s other trust issues that he has with you and he sees this time as just another instance where you didn’t care enough to look out for him like you said you would.

Excuse me! You are also blaming it on me. I forgot that he told me to wake him up, it is not that I didn't want to. Two days before that I woke him up exactly on the time he told me to. And the other problems I have are about my family and are things we can't do anything about to solve them. And that is why I am so stressed. They didn't even want to tell me because they didn't want to distract me from school. And he blames it on me for everything, especially because I forgot to wake him up?? That I am cold and everything else. Three days ago I put my phone on the fridge and searched for it for two hours. That is how overwhelmed I am. Do I have to stress out even for forgetting to wake up my boyfriend. He is not a child. And I wrote him two text messages to show him love while two days before he was insulting me.
And btw I couldn't call because I was at school for 9 straight hours without even eating anything, and I couldn't make calls because there were other students on that room.

Edited August 29, 2020 by delani

August 29, 2020

I’m not ‘blaming’ you. I was just asking the hard questions. Maybe instead of anger, you could look at it from a different point of view.

His.

We always need to do this to learn. Ask ourselves those hard questions.

I wish you luck either way.

August 29, 2020

delani, deep breaths hon, none of this is your fault! Hugs.

And please, do not allow him or anyone to cause you to question yourself or your reality about any of this, okay?

You have a lot on your plate, your behaviour was perfectly understandable.

This goes beyond the not waking him up bull crap, he has a long history of twisting facts and blaming you, be glad you're rid of him!

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

August 29, 2020

13 minutes ago, delani said:

Excuse me! You are also blaming it on me. I forgot that he told me to wake him up, it is not that I didn't want to. Two days before that I woke him up exactly on the time he told me to. And the other problems I have are about my family and are things we can't do anything about to solve them. And that is why I am so stressed. They didn't even want to tell me because they didn't want to distract me from school. And he blames it on me for everything, especially because I forgot to wake him up?? That I am cold and everything else. Three days ago I put my phone on the fridge and searched for it for two hours. That is how overwhelmed I am. Do I have to stress out even for forgetting to wake up my boyfriend. He is not a child. And I wrote him two text messages to show him love while two days before he was insulting me.
And btw I couldn't call because I was at school for 9 straight hours without even eating anything, and I couldn't make calls because there were other students on that room.

K.K. is completely wrong telling you to look at things from your boyfriend's perspective as though he is the victim here. He is not. You are the victim here, that's for sure. Putting up with your boyfriend's temper tantrums every week for 2 years? My god! Why did you endure that kind of abuse for 2 years? Everyone forgets things esp. when they are super busy. You have nothing to apologize for.

Now you are free! Don't you see? You are away from that a**h***! You are free from his controlling, manipulative behavior!! If he used the alarm thing as a reason to break up with you, well, that is very petty of him, BUT that is who he has always been for 2 years: petty and mean to you. And, you are not surprised because this is who he is at his core. He will never change.

I think you should see this as a huge opportunity to get your life back. Forget what your silly girlfriend advised you (she gives terrible advice, by the way). Break up with him. Block/delete him. Focus on your life where you are studying abroad. Enjoy every possible second there; with your classmates, your new friends, your teachers. Focus on YOU and your happiness and your academic and personal goals now.

August 29, 2020

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

K.K. is completely wrong telling you to look at things from your boyfriend's perspective as though he is the victim here. He is not. You are the victim here, that's for sure. Putting up with your boyfriend's temper tantrums every week for 2 years? My god! Why did you endure that kind of abuse for 2 years? Everyone forgets things esp. when they are super busy. You have nothing to apologize for.

Now you are free! Don't you see? You are away from that a**h***! You are free from his controlling, manipulative behavior!! If he used the alarm thing as a reason to break up with you, well, that is very petty of him, BUT that is who he has always been for 2 years: petty and mean to you. And, you are not surprised because this is who he is at his core. He will never change.

I think you should see this as a huge opportunity to get your life back. Forget what your silly girlfriend advised you (she gives terrible advice, by the way). Break up with him. Block/delete him. Focus on your life where you are studying abroad. Enjoy every possible second there; with your classmates, your new friends, your teachers. Focus on YOU and your happiness and your academic and personal goals now.

Actually I haven't been so close to my classmates. I haven't make friends here because I used to feel bad every single day because of our fights and I wasn't interested at all on being sociable and making friends. All I wanted to do was finish lectures and go home. I have always have been kind of reseved in the beginning but here it got worse. Every time I am abroad we always fight because he can't trust me and acuses me of cheating and everything else. When we are together in the same country (when I go for vacations) we don't fight that much.

August 29, 2020

He is in effect ruining your life.
An old lady told me that when she was dating, one fight, one raised voice, one episode of bad behaviour and it was all over, no woman in her circle would entertain a guy like that .
Zero tolerance for the kind of a man you have been putting up with for 2 years...

August 29, 2020

21 minutes ago, delani said:

Actually I haven't been so close to my classmates. I haven't make friends here because I used to feel bad every single day because of our fights and I wasn't interested at all on being sociable and making friends. All I wanted to do was finish lectures and go home. I have always have been kind of reseved in the beginning but here it got worse. Every time I am abroad we always fight because he can't trust me and acuses me of cheating and everything else. When we are together in the same country (when I go for vacations) we don't fight that much.

So, what have you decided? Stay with him and continue to endure his abuse? He does this to you anytime you leave to study abroad. Why is this kind of manipulative, abusive treatment from your boyfriend of two years ok with you?

August 29, 2020

Look, you are not married to him, you don't have any kids with him, you don't owe a property together. It doesn't sounds like you are madly in love with him. So what keeps you together? How much more abuse from him can you tolerate? Walking away from him, especially since you live in different countries, should be super easy.

August 31, 2020

Bwt we thought we cleared everything, as always me texting first and kind of apologising. Today he got angry again when he woke up, why I texted him only once (while I knew that he was sleeping and I was at school). He meant I wasn't showing him love. He got angry and started yelling at me, insulting me and he said "You made my day awful as you are", and many insults as well. Another day he is making me feel gulty. It might be my fault for not texting him while he was sleeping, but he doesn't have to react this way as if I killed him

Edited August 31, 2020 by delani

August 31, 2020

Just now, delani said:

Bwt we thought we cleared everything, as always me texting first and kind of apologising. Today he got angry again when he woke up, why I texted him only once (while I knew that he was sleeping and I was at school). He meant I wasn't showing him love. He got angry and started yelling at me, insulting me and he said "You made my day awful as you are", and many insults as well. Another day he made me feel gulty. It might be my fault for not texting him while he was sleeping, but he doesn't have to react this way as if I killed him

This man is abusive. I'm sure you can do better than him.

August 31, 2020

12 minutes ago, delani said:

Bwt we thought we cleared everything, as always me texting first and kind of apologising. Today he got angry again when he woke up, why I texted him only once (while I knew that he was sleeping and I was at school). He meant I wasn't showing him love. He got angry and started yelling at me, insulting me and he said "You made my day awful as you are", and many insults as well. Another day he is making me feel gulty. It might be my fault for not texting him while he was sleeping, but he doesn't have to react this way as if I killed him

You are enabling his terrible behaviour. No surprise he's being abusive again, unfortunately.

What do are you going to do about it?

August 31, 2020

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are enabling his terrible behaviour. No surprise he's being abusive again, unfortunately.

What do are you going to do about it?

I don't know. He said that he wants to break up, but he keeps coming back even when I don't do anything, I mean apologise or something

August 31, 2020

Just now, delani said:

I don't know. He said that he wants to break up, but he keeps coming back even when I don't do anything, I mean apologise or something

You're talking as if he's the only one with any power in this situation. Expat asked you what you are going to do, and in reply you started talking about what he's doing.

Forget what he's doing, and ask yourself this: what do you want?

August 31, 2020

2 minutes ago, balletomane said:

You're talking as if he's the only one with any power in this situation. Expat asked you what you are going to do, and in reply you started talking about what he's doing.

Forget what he's doing, and ask yourself this: what do you want?

I don't know what I want. Of course I don't want to deal with his behaviour all the time, but I don't want to "regret" it if I break up.

August 31, 2020

4 minutes ago, delani said:

I don't know. He said that he wants to break up, but he keeps coming back even when I don't do anything, I mean apologise or something

What do you want to do?

You aren't obligated to take him back. You're teaching him that he can abuse you and you will tolerate it. That's said without judgment, as I realize the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse is difficult one to break when you're in the thick of it. You would be best to reflect on what's happened to your self-respect and self-esteem; those are the two factors that would keep you away from men like this, and stop you from seeking their approval.

Where do you suppose your unwillingness to leave a man who terribly mistreats you is stemming from?

August 31, 2020

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do you want to do?

You aren't obligated to take him back. You're teaching him that he can abuse you and you will tolerate it. That's said without judgment, as I realize the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse is difficult one to break when you're in the thick of it. You would be best to reflect on what's happened to your self-respect and self-esteem; those are the two factors that would keep you away from men like this, and stop you from seeking their approval.

Where do you suppose your unwillingness to leave a man who terribly mistreats you is stemming from?

Low self-esteem maybe

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