Met this guy online but he doesn't want to meet now

[CaliforniaGirl]

4 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Ok so I told this guy I don’t feel comfortable talking online for ages and that is weird he doesn’t want to meet.

I was about to tell him I am going to stop communication until he is ready to meet when he said he is going to arrange a way to get money and come where I live next week so we can meet in person.

He said he is serious and not hiding anything and he wants me to see that in person.

So I told him ok let’s do that and meet next week.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and see if he really comes next week. If yes fine we’ll meet and see how it goes. If he arranges an excuse, it’s goodbye from me.

Girl please.

Now suddenly he has access to money?

He's grooming you. When he's been lying on your couch for six months playing X Box you may suddenly realize you may not have such a great connection after all.

[CaliforniaGirl]

47 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

He made no comments or asked anything about having me as a sugar mama/free ride. He also has no idea how much money I make, if I own a house, etc.

And no my purpose in life is not to be a sugar mama to anyone so that is out of the question. 

But yes you are right is not nice to hear someone talking about all that. I make good money and do financial investments and deal with large sums of money everyday, so hearing someone saying they don’t even have money for a train ticket is completely out of my reality. 

What worries me is more of the fact he built nothing in his life up until now. Meaning he could have lost his job, but have no savings, no investments, nothing? 

That worries me.

Well he's really not going to come out with it, is he?

"Hey, listen, so I'm a lazy ass but I do have a knack for rushing insta-connections...from the way you speak, dress and your goals and all that, I'm guessing you have some sort of career, and I'd really like to lie on your couch and eat your food for a while. By the way, here's yet ANOTHER strong hint comment regarding my lack of money, and my need for it. And you know what? I think you're sooooo beautiful! All I want to do is hold you in my arms all night so I can wake up to your face and know I'm where fate wanted me to be...all along. But my deep fears and sensitivity prevented it. YOU changed all that. By the way, you got central AC?"

All that's missing from the scenario you're describing is the uncle in Nigeria.

Walk, girl! Walk. 

FWIW: if it were a man describing this scenario I'd give identical advice. Actually, I have.

Edited August 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

But yes you are right is not nice to hear someone talking about all that. I make good money and do financial investments and deal with large sums of money everyday, so hearing someone saying they don’t even have money for a train ticket is completely out of my reality. 

What worries me is more of the fact he built nothing in his life up until now. Meaning he could have lost his job, but have no savings, no investments, nothing? 

That worries me.

Agree. It should worry you. basically you live in two different worlds. You live in a world of ambition, productivity and reality, where here he is chitchatting with no plan, no car, no money, no job. Basically you can do better than this. he may be a nice person, etc. But there are too many red flags.

[girlnextdoor2020]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It should worry you. basically you live in two different worlds. You live in a world of ambition, productivity and reality, where here he is chitchatting with no plan, no car, no money, no job. Basically you can do better than this. he may be a nice person, etc. But there are too many red flags.

Yes that’s what looks like.

There were many more red flags.

He said one of the things he likes to do is play PS4... I mean c’mon! For him to even mention that is because he probably spends hours on it.

He also asked me NOTHING about my job... wanting to know what do I do. Even guys who just want sex ask that! lol It seems to me he just doesn’t care about it.

He also told me that when he comes to meet me he probably won’t want to let go of me and wants to spend the whole day together... I mean,  what!? That could happen naturally and organically if we hit it off, but planning spending the whole day together when we never met before? Nope thanks.

Also, if he barely has money for the train ticket, how are we spending the whole day together then? Where and how are we going to have lunch, etc?

Yes too many red flags.

Edited August 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Watercolors]

Ugh, woman! What are you doing wasting time with this guy? 

Even you know he's not a good match for you. Here's what I suggest: forget meeting up with him (he may even cancel at the last minute, fyi, citing 'financial reasons'). Instead, just text him that while you appreciated the chats, you are not interested in meeting with him in person and wish him well. Then, be done with this guy? 

You do realize, there are far, FAR more suited men for you to date out in the world, don't you? Don't set yourself up for disappointment by meeting this guy. Yikes. Just yikes!! He has so many red flags, he could start his own country for men who failed to launch their lives. The red flags would border their lsland, to warn away single, successful, available women. 

You are asking for big trouble, if you go through with meeting this guy. You have no idea who he really is. Facebook profile be damned. People can create fake profile pages all the time. 

Men are not a renovation project for women to fix. This guy, CLEARLY needs help and he's hoping you will be the one to help him. Do NOT put yourself in the caretaker role for this complete stranger. You should no date any guy who doesn't have his s*** together. That is just common sense.

You can feel sympathy for him. But what if, what if all those things you supposedly have in common, are just him mirroring you, to make you believe you have those things in common? It happens all the time with guys/women who mirror or 'project' the person's own interests back to them, fooling them into thinking there is chemistry and compatibility where none really exists to begin with. 

I guarantee that your life will be ruined if you progress things with this guy. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[girlnextdoor2020]

16 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Ugh, woman! What are you doing wasting time with this guy? 

Even you know he's not a good match for you. Here's what I suggest: forget meeting up with him (he may even cancel at the last minute, fyi, citing 'financial reasons'). Instead, just text him that while you appreciated the chats, you are not interested in meeting with him in person and wish him well. Then, be done with this guy? 

You do realize, there are far, FAR more suited men for you to date out in the world, don't you? Don't set yourself up for disappointment by meeting this guy. Yikes. Just yikes!! He has so many red flags, he could start his own country for men who failed to launch their lives. The red flags would border their lsland, to warn away single, successful, available women. 

You are asking for big trouble, if you go through with meeting this guy. You have no idea who he really is. Facebook profile be damned. People can create fake profile pages all the time. 

Men are not a renovation project for women to fix. This guy, CLEARLY needs help and he's hoping you will be the one to help him. Do NOT put yourself in the caretaker role for this complete stranger. You should no date any guy who doesn't have his s*** together. That is just common sense.

You can feel sympathy for him. But what if, what if all those things you supposedly have in common, are just him mirroring you, to make you believe you have those things in common? It happens all the time with guys/women who mirror or 'project' the person's own interests back to them, fooling them into thinking there is chemistry and compatibility where none really exists to begin with. 

I guarantee that your life will be ruined if you progress things with this guy. 

That’s what my intuition tells me as well.

 I want a man on the same level where both are in a good place in life and can have fun in the world together, not be with someone who is struggling to even buy a train ticket. For example I am buying a house at the moment, that is a complete different reality from where he is and no I don’t want any problems in my life.

Yes I get that of the mirroring and I think that’s what’s happening. For example I told him my son also loves to play PS4 and he said that’s great so that way my son is entertained if we want some time for us... (that is a red flag too)

When I told him that my son doesn’t play that much because I feel it’s a waste of time, he said oh yes of course I agree, etc. So, mirroring.

He also has a name on the OLD App but then has a different name on his FB profile.

So yeah he could open a red flag shop!

I recently met another guy who was very similar to me in terms of how we think and our lifestyle and etc, he is on a good place in his life and we even do the same investments, etc, but then after the second date he stopped contacting me and I was a bit sad about it and that’s when this other guy came along, so I think I liked his attention and that’s it.

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Watercolors]

26 minutes ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

so I think I liked his attention and that’s it.

Now I can see why your focus shifted from that first guy who realistically had 100% more in common with you, but for whatever reason, that fizzled out. Then, Mr. Red Flag Mirror Guy came along and false-flag-wooed you by essentially agreeing with everything you said, to appear as though you two have a lot in common (which is, unfortunately, far from reality). So, it was nice to receive positive attention from him, after things didn't progress with a far more compatible guy. 

Hey, at least you recognized that he's mirroring and is basically handing you red flags that are so blatant, even a blind person would think twice before dating him. Eeek. He had two different online usernames (facebook and dating app)? Oh boy.

Time to 'next' him. Do you feel comfortable deleting him from your Facebook? He could easily use that personal information against you down the road. Something to consider if you don't even want to be friends with him in real life (something to seriously consider, esp. since you have a child).

He doesn't sound stable in any aspect of his life, which is unfortunate. BUT, not your problem to solve. You just bought a house. You have a child. You are financially stable. You do not need a renovation project in the form of another adult, to take on. 

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Watercolors

[girlnextdoor2020]

9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Now I can see why your focus shifted from that first guy who realistically had 100% more in common with you, but for whatever reason, that fizzled out. Then, Mr. Red Flag Mirror Guy came along and false-flag-wooed you by essentially agreeing with everything you said, to appear as though you two have a lot in common (which is, unfortunately, far from reality). So, it was nice to receive positive attention from him, after things didn't progress with a far more compatible guy. 

Hey, at least you recognized that he's mirroring and is basically handing you red flags that are so blatant, even a blind person would think twice before dating him. Eeek. He had two different online usernames (facebook and dating app)? Oh boy.

Time to 'next' him. Do you feel comfortable deleting him from your Facebook? He could easily use that personal information against you down the road. Something to consider if you don't even want to be friends with him in real life (something to seriously consider, esp. since you have a child).

He doesn't sound stable in any aspect of his life, which is unfortunate. BUT, not your problem to solve. You just bought a house. You have a child. You are financially stable. You do not need a renovation project in the form of another adult, to take on. 

 

Yes I was really sad that first guy stopped contacting me.

We talked for hours on our last date and had so much in common (for real), he mentioned he wants to see me again, so I wasn’t expecting that. And then yes this guy came along and I liked his attention.

I don’t have much personal info on my FB profile. It’s basically just status updates with jokes and random stuff.

Edited August 29, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[Watercolors]

Well, just be careful. Giving him access to you through Facebook, when you know he's just not someone you can be with could cause problems down the road for you. Just be mindful. I wouldn't want him to have access to photos of your new home, pictures of your child, etc. as you really just don't know this guy despite the fact that he has a Facebook page. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

7 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, just be careful. Giving him access to you through Facebook, when you know he's just not someone you can be with could cause problems down the road for you. Just be mindful. I wouldn't want him to have access to photos of your new home, pictures of your child, etc. as you really just don't know this guy despite the fact that he has a Facebook page. 

I have zero pictures of my private life, my house or my child on my Facebook.

It’s just random stuff, nothing private. That’s why I gave him access to my FB.

[Watercolors]

Ah, good to hear. That's good. But, why keep in touch with him? He really doesn't sound like he has anything good to contribute to your life at this point.

[Velvet teddy]

8 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Yes I was really sad that first guy stopped contacting me.

We talked for hours on our last date and had so much in common (for real), he mentioned he wants to see me again, so I wasn’t expecting that. And then yes this guy came along and I liked his attention.

I don’t have much personal info on my FB profile. It’s basically just status updates with jokes and random stuff.

Why didnt you reach out to him then? The guy you went on a date with.

As for the current guy, he may be able to meet you once but what about the rest of the time. No money = no relationship. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Yes I was really sad that first guy stopped contacting me.

We talked for hours on our last date and had so much in common (for real), he mentioned he wants to see me again, so I wasn’t expecting that. And then yes this guy came along and I liked his attention.

I don’t have much personal info on my FB profile. It’s basically just status updates with jokes and random stuff.

This is actually good news in a weird sort of way. Because first you said you didn't want to let go of the him because it's so rare to connect. But now you're saying literally days earlier there was a totally different guy you thought was going to be a great match.

This means it ISN'T as rare as you think. There are a lot of options out there for you.

[chillii]

On 8/28/2020 at 5:20 PM, girlnextdoor2020 said:

 Shouldn't he be figuring out his life and his job instead of dating? Unless he is just looking for sex and/or attention and is not telling me the truth.

He also shows no interest of meeting up now. 

 

l don't even know why your thread is asking , he's answered both your questions already.  He told you he wants to find a new job first and he shows no interest in meeting up now.

Why not just drop it and go on with your life for now, if he really gives a shyt and he is legit he'll be thinking about you when he gets he's new job, or you've met someone else by then. l know you say you feel something but then you say you don't wanna force it but tthat's what your doing.

Edited August 30, 2020 by chillii

[girlnextdoor2020]

1 hour ago, Velvet teddy said:

Why didnt you reach out to him then? The guy you went on a date with.

As for the current guy, he may be able to meet you once but what about the rest of the time. No money = no relationship. 

Because guys are very simple, when they are into you they do not sit down and wait for you to text him, they text you consistently and regularly.

They ask when you are free to meet again. They make plans. They show interest.

If a guy doesn’t do all these things after I told him on our last date I want to meet him again, it’s because he’s not that into me/is dating someone else. So no I am not texting him.

And yes you are right about meeting once but what about next dates? We won’t be able to meet regularly, go out, have dinner, spend time together, etc. So what’s the point really.

Edited August 30, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[girlnextdoor2020]

1 hour ago, Velvet teddy said:

 

1 hour ago, chillii said:

l don't even know why your thread is asking , he's answered both your questions already.  He told you he wants to find a new job first and he shows no interest in meeting up now.

Why not just drop it and go on with your life for now, if he really gives a shyt and he is legit he'll be thinking about you when he gets he's new job, or you've met someone else by then. l know you say you feel something but then you say you don't wanna force it but tthat's what your doing.

The reason I didn’t want to do that and wanted to meet once was so that I know for real who he is instead of assumptions in my head.

I don’t think I am forcing anything, I was about to tell him let’s stop talking until you have a job when he said he will get money to meet me next week. So, his decision.

[Dork Vader]

"He said he cannot meet right now because he is basically broke from losing his job.  He also said he wants to find a job first and then we can meet, and that he wants to come to where I live to meet."

That should tell you absolutely everything you need to know. It's completely understandable that finding a job is a high priority. It's also completely understandable that he is hesitant to meet you given the situation he is in. He can't afford to buy dinner, he can't afford a date, heck I doubt he can even afford the gas to drive 45 minutes to meet you. While it might not seem like a big deal to you, it's a big deal to him. He wants to show the good he has to offer, not be an unemployed loser. You might think otherwise and be understanding of the situation, but the psychological impacts of being in that position still exist for him. 

If he knows anything about women, he understands that women view men as investments. I'm not talking about financial investments, they view men as an investment in the sense of, if I invest in him emotionally, financially, time and so on, will it pay off? Will it grow into more? So it's easy to understand why he would shy away from a date given the circumstances.

Your best bet at meeting up with him would be to go about it this way. Say you're going to be in the area on a specific day that you have an appointment. Ask if he would be willing to meet you at a park to hang out for a bit and actually meet up. There is no expense involved with doing that and it's a good way to meet up in real life for the first time. Make sure its a park that is in a high traffic area with lots of people around for safety reasons.

If he declines then you're going to have to wait it out. 

[Velvet teddy]

5 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Because guys are very simple, when they are into you they do not sit down and wait for you to text him, they text you consistently and regularly.

They ask when you are free to meet again. They make plans. They show interest.

If a guy doesn’t do all these things after I told him on our last date I want to meet him again, it’s because he’s not that into me/is dating someone else. So no I am not texting him.

And yes you are right about meeting once but what about next dates? We won’t be able to meet regularly, go out, have dinner, spend time together, etc. So what’s the point really.

True.

Sounds like you know what youre doing anyway. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

4 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

"He said he cannot meet right now because he is basically broke from losing his job.  He also said he wants to find a job first and then we can meet, and that he wants to come to where I live to meet."

That should tell you absolutely everything you need to know. It's completely understandable that finding a job is a high priority. It's also completely understandable that he is hesitant to meet you given the situation he is in. He can't afford to buy dinner, he can't afford a date, heck I doubt he can even afford the gas to drive 45 minutes to meet you. While it might not seem like a big deal to you, it's a big deal to him. He wants to show the good he has to offer, not be an unemployed loser. You might think otherwise and be understanding of the situation, but the psychological impacts of being in that position still exist for him. 

If he knows anything about women, he understands that women view men as investments. I'm not talking about financial investments, they view men as an investment in the sense of, if I invest in him emotionally, financially, time and so on, will it pay off? Will it grow into more? So it's easy to understand why he would shy away from a date given the circumstances.

Your best bet at meeting up with him would be to go about it this way. Say you're going to be in the area on a specific day that you have an appointment. Ask if he would be willing to meet you at a park to hang out for a bit and actually meet up. There is no expense involved with doing that and it's a good way to meet up in real life for the first time. Make sure its a park that is in a high traffic area with lots of people around for safety reasons.

If he declines then you're going to have to wait it out. 

Thank you but I am not going to do that because that is lying. I have no appointment where he lives and he is probably not dumb and knows I am not telling the truth.

Also I do not want to drive 40 min. to go meet him for the first time. After we meet the first time and if we get along then ok I might do that.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

Also I do not want to drive 40 min. to go meet him for the first time. After we meet the first time and if we get along then ok I might do that.

Your refusal to help when he has explained his situation to you -- being broke at the moment -- shows you have little compassion.  You still want to play by old fashioned rules -- the guy drives & the guy pays.  You can think that way if you like.  It's your choice.  But do understand that your old fashioned sexist attitude is contributing to your inability to find a relationship.  

 

[Watercolors]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Your refusal to help when he has explained his situation to you -- being broke at the moment -- shows you have little compassion.  You still want to play by old fashioned rules -- the guy drives & the guy pays.  You can think that way if you like.  It's your choice.  But do understand that your old fashioned sexist attitude is contributing to your inability to find a relationship.  

 

Oh come on Donnivain! The guy is an unemployed loser! Why on earth should the OP invest ANY of her time meeting him in real life when he can't do anything for her because he has no money. Her attitude isn't old fashioned or sexist. I think you went too far. She isn't his nanny or his unemployment counselor. It's not her job to help him. He's a grown adult. He got himself into this mess. It's not her job to fix it for him. Why should she spend a dime meeting up with a man who has nothing to offer her, period. 

Actually, the OP is smart not to waste her time driving to his city on her own dime. Why should she waste money knowing that meeting him in person will go nowhere anyway, b/c he has no money, no job...nothing...and the way he has talked to her is pretty sketchy anyway. 

He is already making statements of future talk, which is a HUGE red flag AND he's making assumptions about how their relationship will go. He's delusional. And, I hope the OP doesn't go through with meeting him. He is desperate and the OP is someone with an income and a big new house, that he could try to weasel his way into.

This situation is about boundaries. The OP needs to remember that men are not renovation projects to be repaired. That's how women get taken advantage of -- when dseperate, needy men, prey upon women who are nice, by playing into their emotional weaknesses. Then, the next thing you know, the poor woman is stuck with a deadbeat boyfriend who is taking ALL of her food and money. Plus, the OP has a son. This guy is literally the opposite of what a good role model for her son looks like. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Watercolors

[d0nnivain]

He's unemployed because of Covid, that doesn't make him a loser.   There are other red flags in here that make him unsuitable but it's really unfair to call somebody who lost a job due to Covid a loser.  

Look she doesn't have to go out with him but I see too many people on this board who have their own hang ups & a decided lack of compassion when it comes to dating.  It's like one little thing & they write people off then lament that they are single.  Part of their problems would go away if they were more gracious.  I'm not talking about accepting genuinely undesirable traits:  habitual unemployment, substance abuse, violence etc.   but if the OP wants to date this guy making it easier for him rather than unnecessarily harder would be helpful.  My comment was addressed to her unwillingness to drive toward him initially.  The guy's playing video games & future projecting make him unsuitable but for somebody to demand antiquated gender rolls rubs me the wrong way   

[Watercolors]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

antiquated gender rolls rubs me the wrong way   

I understand and I respect that is your belief/value system. Hear me out though. 

I would never waste my time driving to meet a guy (anymore). I used to do that and was stood up a few times by the guys. I will never do that again: drive more than 15 minutes to meet a guy somewhere. If he can't come to my city, forget it. It's a preference more than me being sexist and old fashioned. Plus, I feel like its impractical to try to date someone you have to commute long distances to see. I know people do it, and have successful, long distance relationships. But then, you get closer geographically, and the relationship blows up and dissolves. 

Yes, he told OP he lost his job because of COVID. But how do we know he's even telling her the truth? Based on all the other red flags regarding his behavior and habits, he's a terrible idea, let alone, match, for the OP. 

Whatever OP decides to do, I hope she's sensible about it. He just sounds like the absolute worst person to date right now. 

[girlnextdoor2020]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He's unemployed because of Covid, that doesn't make him a loser.   There are other red flags in here that make him unsuitable but it's really unfair to call somebody who lost a job due to Covid a loser.  

Look she doesn't have to go out with him but I see too many people on this board who have their own hang ups & a decided lack of compassion when it comes to dating.  It's like one little thing & they write people off then lament that they are single.  Part of their problems would go away if they were more gracious.  I'm not talking about accepting genuinely undesirable traits:  habitual unemployment, substance abuse, violence etc.   but if the OP wants to date this guy making it easier for him rather than unnecessarily harder would be helpful.  My comment was addressed to her unwillingness to drive toward him initially.  The guy's playing video games & future projecting make him unsuitable but for somebody to demand antiquated gender rolls rubs me the wrong way   

He was the one saying he doesn’t want me to drive there and make all the effort. He said he wants to be him coming here so we can meet the first in a familiar setting so I feel comfortable. And I appreciate that to be honest.

It is also not about gender roles. It’s about being cautious. I’ve had guys in the past trying to take advantage because of my empathy. 

No one is a loser because they lost their job to Covid, but it’s up to him to get up on his two feet and by NOT going there I am actually helping him by not validating his situation, so if he wants to see me he has to make an effort. And that’s how I’ll see how he really is.

Guys that are lazy and take advantage only go so far with a woman, as soon as they see they will not enable their lazy ass, they’re out. 

So this is more about seeing how he is and what he is made of. If I go there, I won’t see anything.

Edited August 30, 2020 by girlnextdoor2020

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, girlnextdoor2020 said:

I have zero pictures of my private life, my house or my child on my Facebook.

It’s just random stuff, nothing private. That’s why I gave him access to my FB.

Depending on where you live, it's easy enough to find out your phone number and address once someone knows your first and last names.  And your address is often a good tell to your financial standing.

Regardless, this seems like a dead end.