Date gave her phone to another guy

[Watercolors]

But he never called her his GF -- not even in the thread title. He refers to her as his "date." And, he never said he wanted to stop seeing other women. 

I can see why she took that other guy's phone number at the bar while the OP was in the bathroom. Look, as far as she knew, it was a platonic, friendly exchange. I don't view it as a shyt test for the OP to pass. And, I don't view it as disrespectful. 

What I do see is an OP who is extremely insecure, obnoxious, and very one-sided about this situation. It's his way or the highway. How come he gets to multi-date other women (and sleep with them potentially too, while he sleeps with this other woman), yet she can't take another guy's phone number, who is from her culture. 

Maybe she feels a deeper connection to the guy she took the phone number from. I certainly don't think she and the OP are compatible, the way he treats her like an object. She's not allowed to be interested in other men even platonically, but he can date all the women he wants since at 6 weeks, they still have not had the "exclusivity" talk. 

I think the OP has no right to be angry. She was honest with him. She didn't go and sleep with this guy at the bar? She just too his phone number. That's all. If they were in an exclusive relationship, it would be a different story. But, they are not exclusive. As far as I"m concerned, all is fair in love and war. You don't put a ring on it, you don't get exclusivity. 

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

How come he gets to multi-date other women (and sleep with them potentially too, while he sleeps with this other woman), yet she can't take another guy's phone number, who is from her culture. 

She can WC.  Just not while on a date with another man (in this case the OP) because it's disrespectful to him. .

That's the issue and what the OP was reacting to imo.  Not that she gave her number to another man, but that she did it while out with him and then had the gall to tell him!  Low low low.  Extremely disrespectful.

He was pretty wound up when he created this thread and as such, he did not articulate himself well, but it was clear, at least to me, that that was what he felt -  disrespected.

Just as user_name (a man) so succinctly explained.

There are just some things one doesn't do while on a date and for women, that's allow another man to hit on her and give him your number.  Same for men if roles were reversed.

Multi-dating is fine, but keep your business with others private for heaven's sake.  Don't go announcing it or do your business in front of your date.

Unless they ask, as she asked the OP when she asked if he were dating others, and he was honest and said yes.

If you don't agree, so be.  But that was what the  OP was reacting to, imo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Art.at.Heart]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

How come he gets to multi-date other women (and sleep with them potentially too, while he sleeps with this other woman), yet she can't take another guy's phone number, who is from her culture. 

I'm very curious why so many think this is OPs outlook on the situation. It seems pretty clear that his issue was her getting another guy's number *while on a date with him*. He hasn't once stated that she shouldn't be dating anyone else or meeting other people. 

[Woggle]

They are not exclusive but it is just tactless and classless to do it while on a date.

[CaliforniaGirl]

19 minutes ago, Art.at.Heart said:

I'm very curious why so many think this is OPs outlook on the situation. It seems pretty clear that his issue was her getting another guy's number *while on a date with him*. He hasn't once stated that she shouldn't be dating anyone else or meeting other people. 

 I don't think so many do. The majority here don't.

[Art.at.Heart]

On 8/28/2020 at 1:55 AM, assertives said:

 

I mean.. if you are openly seeing other girls and openly told her that you guys are not exclusive, she's not in the wrong to accept the approach of other guys, no? It's the same as her seeing other people just like you are too. Not sure why you are feeling this insulted.

 

On 8/28/2020 at 1:59 AM, CaliforniaGirl said:

What I think is...

1. She is hurt and she was obviously trying to make a point somehow.

2. You want to make up all the rules, per whatever pleases you. 

 

On 8/28/2020 at 6:45 AM, Acacia98 said:

Lol. You really are something else. It's fascinating seeing how "wronged" you feel when, for all practical purposes, she just gave you a taste of your own medicine.

Anyway, let's set that aside and focus on today's lesson: You guys really shouldn't be having sex if you're not exclusive. 

 

On 8/28/2020 at 7:05 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree it wasn't in good form to give out her number on a date with you, but I also think you need get down off that high horse. 

When you told her you were seeing other girls, you set the goalposts. You weren't necessarily wrong to date others since it was so early, but the indication was that you were keeping your options open. You can't be too bent out of shape that she is following your lead on that. I'm also not entirely convinced she was trying to establish a romantic attraction if she was upfront about getting the guy's contact info. 

If you want to date her and only her, now is the time come to an agreement with about that. Check your ego here - is it worth being this indignant, if you genuinely want to see where this goes with her? Perhaps use this as the opportunity to decide what you really want with her, and proceed accordingly. 

 

On 8/28/2020 at 7:15 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Playing the field goes both ways when you're not exclusive.

Next time make up your mind about being exclusive or not.

Yes it's rude to pick up guys while on a date with you. She's playing games.

Maybe you need to raise your standards when it comes to the women you date.

 

On 8/28/2020 at 9:43 AM, elaine567 said:

Ok it may be tit for tat, but he is from her culture and as the two of you are "not serious" if you are seeing other girls, then it may have been too good an opportunity for her to pass up...
If you want exclusivity it has to work both ways.
You do not get to play the field, while she sits chaste at home waiting for you...
Your ego is bruised now, but you didn't care about bruising her ego by making her one of your "harem"...
if you like someone then you need to lock them down, else they have a habit of moving away to someone else...
No-one likes to be second or third or fourth best...

@CaliforniaGirl These are all mostly the initial posts (one of yours included). All are implying he has some sort of double standard about being able to date others while she can't (which he's never said). There's more than just these posts as well.

[CaliforniaGirl]

27 minutes ago, Art.at.Heart said:

 

 

 

 

 

@CaliforniaGirl These are all mostly the initial posts (one of yours included). All are implying he has some sort of double standard about being able to date others while she can't (which he's never said). There's more than just these posts as well.

None of them say that it was okay, at least as far as I can see. An explanation for her motivations doesn't mean she did the right thing. It means it explains her motivations.

Nor does his seeming to be controlling mean what she did was right. One doesn't cancel out the other.

All (that you selectively bolded) point out one pertinent question: does he want to be exclusive? It's a legitimate question. Obviously to go so far she's either frustrated beyond her limits, or psycho. If it's the latter many of us said: yes, that was unacceptable, line crossed, leave. To me, his not doing that is telling. I think this has been building and I think he knew it.

But how does that mean her methods were okay? (shrug)

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Art.at.Heart]

@CaliforniaGirl

"All are implying he has some sort of double standard about being able to date others while she can't (which he's never said)"

That is what my argument is. I never said anything about right or wrong.

[JS84]

No idea why people seem to think what she did was okay just because he admitted he was seeing other people when they were first dating. Maybe he could have been more tactful about it but what was he supposed to do lie? And how does that make her taking a phone number from another guy while on a date okay??? That was blatantly disrespectful. By that logic why not just make out with the guy or go home with him. OP brought it on himself after all. Really don't get some of the responses here.

And if she didn't like the situation, which is I think is why took that number, that's on her for simply not walking away when she realized she had a problem with it. I don't think OP did anything wrong in this situation.

Oh and as to the original question, you should lose her number or just block her.

Edited August 30, 2020 by JS84

[Watercolors]

I must be the only one who thinks her taking that other guy's phone number was not that big of a deal. The OP has implemented a double standard for himself and her. HE gets to multi-date and probably sleep with multiple women including this current woman whom he has NOT referred to as his girlfriend, whom he has not said he wants to be exclusive with either. 

The double standard I see is: he gets to sleep with and date multiple women but because she took one guy's phone number while he was in the bathroom at the bar where they were playing pool for 2 hours, she's committed some dating sin that he should never forgive her for. Um, I think he's a hypocrite for implementing such a double standard. 

It does not matter in the least that they were all kissy-kissy at the bar. According to the OP, she's just some woman he's been casually dating for 6 weeks, among other women he's not denied to her that he's seeing. So, she is well aware of his multi-dating. Does it mean she's not allowed to exchange numbers with a guy who she has a connection with while she's on a date? No, it doesn't.

The OP is not in a committed relationship. So, he is not allowed to dictate how she behaves. I think the OP is very insecure and controlling and completely blowing the situation out of proportion because of his ego. So what she took another guy's number. He doesn't want to be exclusive with her. So, she's not his girlfriend. She can take 10 guys numbers if she wants to. 

Until he decides to put a ring on it, aka, be exclusive with her, he cannot tell her what to do while they are on dates since its just casual. If they were in a year long relationship, then yeah, I'd agree that her behavior taking that guy's phone number was probably a sign that she was not interested in the OP. And maybe that's why she took that guy's phone number now -- a sign that she's fed up with being a number on his list of women he casually dates and maybe she felt a better connection or maybe she just actually wants to be friends with the guy. 

OP, just stop seeing this woman and continue on with the other women  you're casually dating. I don't think you and she are compatible or she wouldn't have taken that other guy's phone number. She did so, b/c she's not happy with you (and for good reason based on how you treat her). 
 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Watercolors

[JS84]

No one is saying she deserves to be hung and quartered but he wasn't wrong for calling her out for what she did and ending things. He wasn't trying to dictate anything. I would think it's common sense while you're out with someone you are dating, you don't take someone else's phone number while out with that person. I guess not everyone sees it that way.

And you're right she can do whatever she wants. And he can kick her to the curb for it. He's not the one trying to get her back.

Edited August 30, 2020 by JS84

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, Art.at.Heart said:

I'm very curious why so many think this is OPs outlook on the situation. It seems pretty clear that his issue was her getting another guy's number *while on a date with him*. He hasn't once stated that she shouldn't be dating anyone else or meeting other people. 

Personally, I think the distinction is just splitting hairs. If what she did offends him because she didn't tuck herself away into her room and have that same interaction with a guy on a dating app one or two hours after they parted ways, then ultimately, it is the non-exclusivity that is the problem. If you can only be comfortable with multi-dating when it's done in secret, then you really aren't comfortable with it.

Multi-dating simply doesn't work when one person is much more invested than the other and the couple is having sex (one of OP's comments suggests that this is the case). He knows she really likes him. He knows she is not comfortable with his non-exclusivity, but he seems to have been okay to push forward with things. Talk about being oblivious.

That is not to say that what she did was the epitome of maturity. The right thing for her to do would have been to end things when she felt uncomfortable. Ultimately, though, the point is that if you don't demonstrate understanding of and respect for how human emotions work when dating somebody, things are not likely to go well.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Acacia98

[Art.at.Heart]

17 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Personally, I think the distinction is just splitting hairs. If what she did offends him because she didn't tuck herself away into her room and have that same interaction with a guy on a dating app one or two hours after they parted ways, then ultimately, it is the non-exclusivity that is the problem. If you can only be comfortable with multi-dating when it's done in secret, then you really aren't comfortable with it.

Multi-dating simply doesn't work when one person is much more invested than the other and the couple is having sex (one of OP's comments suggests that this is the case). He knows she really likes him. He knows she is not comfortable with his non-exclusivity, but he seems to have been okay to push forward with things. Talk about being oblivious.

That is not to say that what she did was the epitome of maturity. The right thing for her to do would have been to end things when she felt uncomfortable. Ultimately, though, the point is that if you don't demonstrate understanding of and respect for how human emotions work when dating somebody, things are not likely to go well.

By this, do you mean that if you are not comfortable flirting with/picking up another person while on a date with someone else entirely that it means you're not comfortable dating other people?

I agree with you for the most part, though. While I see OP's point, he knew she wanted exclusivity for seemingly a while now. For me personally, 6 weeks is more than enough time to have a conversation about where my relationship would be going. Especially if the other person has already made their feelings known. Speaking of conversation, that is what she should have had with OP if she was unhappy with the lack of exclusivity.

I agree. OP should end this.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Art.at.Heart
grammar

[CaliforniaGirl]

12 minutes ago, JS84 said:

No one is saying she deserves to be hung and quartered but he wasn't wrong for calling her out for what she did and ending things. He wasn't trying to dictate anything. I would think it's common sense while you're out with someone you are dating, you don't take someone else's phone number while out with that person. I guess not everyone sees it that way.

And you're right she can do whatever she wants. And he can kick her to the curb for it. He's not the one trying to get her back.

He didn't end things. He says he wants to talk to her to decide what the "boundaries" will be. And I agree that obviously, she is extremely unhappy. She called to apologize but that could easily be a knee-jerk reaction. However, the OP is saying he wants to keep seeing her. It wouldn't make sense that he would have a talk to discuss how things should be moving forward if he's dumping ber. As cavalier as he's trying to be, it seems pretty obvious that he's a lot more gone on her than some may be thinking. Otherwise, he'd have just dumped her - as so many here have suggested.

I wonder if the OP was actually trying to make her jealous with this "I'm seeing two or three other women" stuff, and it backfired on him. Because I mean...her degree of anger (obviously) and her crazy reaction are not normal...especially if they had calmly both decided they'd keep seeing other people. Now they're fighting like children. Something's missing from this story...unless she literally is crazy.

The IP is trying to control all of this but I have a feeling she'll just end up walking. I guess we'll see if the OP reports back.

[CaliforniaGirl]

5 minutes ago, Art.at.Heart said:

By this, do you mean that if you are not comfortable flirting with/picking up another person while on a date with someone else entirely that it means you're not comfortable dating other people?

I agree with you for the most part, though. While I see OP's point, he knew she wanted exclusivity for seemingly a while now. For me personally, 6 weeks is more than enough time to have a conversation about where my relationship would be going. Especially if the other person has already made their feelings known. Speaking of conversation, that is what she should have had with OP if she was unhappy with the lack of exclusivity.

I agree. OP should end this.

Yes. He's should. But he doesn't want to.

He likes her a lot more than he's saying and he may be playing games just like she is, who knows? Make the woman jealous and unsure and show his social value, etc. And it backfired. Just one possibility.

It just doesn't all add up. Something happened here between the two of them agreeing not to be commited, and this girl randomly trying to get picked up while her date was in the bathroom and making damned sure the OP knew all the details.

Edited August 30, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[Acacia98]

5 minutes ago, Art.at.Heart said:

By this, do you mean that if you are not comfortable flirting with/picking up another person while on a date with someone else entirely that it means you're not comfortable dating other people? 

I mean that if you are only comfortable with your date seeing other people if he/she does it secretly, then you really aren't comfortable with it. Because the truth is that most people don't feel safe sleeping with and building an emotional bond with someone when they know that that person is still looking.

[Art.at.Heart]

23 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Yes. He's should. But he doesn't want to.

He likes her a lot more than he's saying and he may be playing games just like she is, who knows? Make the woman jealous and unsure and show his social value, etc. And it backfired. Just one possibility.

It just doesn't all add up. Something happened here between the two of them agreeing not to be commited, and this girl randomly trying to get picked up while her date was in the bathroom and making damned sure the OP knew all the details.

Well, she asked him if he was still seeing other girls 2 weeks in. According to OP, he didn't just randomly offer up that information. 

I agree that is does sound like what she did worked. If it didn't OP would've been done with her and this thread never would have happened.

[Art.at.Heart]

8 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I mean that if you are only comfortable with your date seeing other people if he/she does it secretly, then you really aren't comfortable with it. Because the truth is that most people don't feel safe sleeping with and building an emotional bond with someone when they know that that person is still looking.

Did OP say that he didn't want her telling him about whether or not she's dating anyone else? If he did, I missed it (I mean that genuinely). From he has posted, the only thing she did to let OP know she was keeping her options open was give her number out to another guy while on a date with him.

[Acacia98]

5 hours ago, Art.at.Heart said:

Did OP say that he didn't want her telling him about whether or not she's dating anyone else? If he did, I missed it (I mean that genuinely). From he has posted, the only thing she did to let OP know she was keeping her options open was give her number out to another guy while on a date with him.

You could ask him that question. But I'm guessing he'll give you an answer to show just how open-minded he is about this whole thing. Those are the kinds of fictions we weave to save face among other people when the cultural norms are at odds with what actually works for us. But when we're on our own, far away from others' scrutiny, we admit to ourselves that we genuinely aren't comfortable with this kind of set-up.

I think @CaliforniaGirl may have a point when she says he probably likes the woman more than he's willing to admit. If he didn't, he would have dumped her as soon as she "disrespected" him.

[Not So Sad II]

If you don't value your girlfriend and make a point of telling her you're not exclusive, then this is what happens. She took you at face value (possibly because she's hurt) and now you don't like it. So now you instantly want to change your rules to say its OK to date other people on online dating apps but not get their numbers in real life. 

What did you think might happen when you told her you weren't exclusive? 

[Velvet teddy]

11 hours ago, JS84 said:

No idea why people seem to think what she did was okay just because he admitted he was seeing other people when they were first dating. Maybe he could have been more tactful about it but what was he supposed to do lie? And how does that make her taking a phone number from another guy while on a date okay??? That was blatantly disrespectful. By that logic why not just make out with the guy or go home with him. OP brought it on himself after all. Really don't get some of the responses here.

And if she didn't like the situation, which is I think is why took that number, that's on her for simply not walking away when she realized she had a problem with it. I don't think OP did anything wrong in this situation.

Oh and as to the original question, you should lose her number or just block her.

Because he's being a hypocrite thats why. 

Unless there is some information missing here. I asked if he had stopped seeing other women, while still seeing her. He didn't answer the question.

Unless  this woman is a complete tool, there must have been a reason why she did that. 

Maybe she took the opportunity at hand, since the guy was from a similar culture to her and thought why not. Since (OP) isn't taking me seriously.

 

Edited August 30, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Not So Sad II said:

If you don't value your girlfriend and make a point of telling her you're not exclusive, then this is what happens. 

Are people not reading posts?  For the zillionth time, no he did not "make a point" of telling her.   She asked.  He answered.

Unless you recommend he lie, he did nothing wrong by being honest and telling her the truth, when again, she asked the question.  

It's all right there in his initial post.  And it was only two weeks in, so understandable.

The OP has said nothing about how he feels about this girl and keep in mind , discussing exclusivity goes both ways.  

Many are coming down hard on him suggesting because HE did not bring up exclusivity at six weeks in, this is what you get.  Ugh, I'm calling bullshyt on that!

She could have initiated that discussion as well, but chose not to.  But yet chose, willingly, to continue dating and having sex with him.

I have no idea the dynamics of their relationship, nor does anyone else, it's all speculation.

The OP hasn't even been back in two days!  

If you read his initial post again, he said she TOLD him another guy had approached her while he was in the washroom.

He said, at first he thought she was "testing" him which leads me to suspect this is NOT the first time she's done something like this. To arouse jealousy. 

He said, if true, he was NOT bothered by that.

But then later on their way home, SHE "made a point" of telling him she gave him her phone so he could enter his phone number.

Who does this? Makes a point of announcing to the person they're dating they gave their phone to someone hitting on them to enter their phone number? Let alone while on a date with them??!!

I ask you, if your date had done this. how would you feel, what would you do?

Keeping in mind neither of you had initiated the exclusivity talk yet.  

You say six weeks. That's nothing. My bf and I did not have the discussion until almost three months! 

But yet, prior to that formal discussion which lasted 30 seconds tops, we both had enough common sense, integrity and respect for each other to not allow someone to hit on us and take their number while out on date with each other, good gawd.

I swear, dating these days has gone to the shyts, it's become so f*cked. 

I'm shocked at some of these responses, gobsmacked.

Whatever.  Maybe the OP will return to give us an update. 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

To add, it would not surprise me one bit if she made this whole thing up, to "test" him as HE himself initially suspected.  My guess is she's done it before which is why he suspected it this time.

I also stated earlier I thought it was a shyt test, to arouse jealousy. 

Assuming her goal was getting him to recognize her value so HE would initiate the exclusivity talk, there are better ways than shyt-testing and other such game playing. 

OR if she wasn't happy with the situation, she could have simply chose to stop dating and having sex with him.

 

Edited August 30, 2020 by poppyfields

[some_username1]

15 hours ago, Watercolors said:

I must be the only one who thinks her taking that other guy's phone number was not that big of a deal. The OP has implemented a double standard for himself and her. HE gets to multi-date and probably sleep with multiple women including this current woman whom he has NOT referred to as his girlfriend, whom he has not said he wants to be exclusive with either. 

The double standard I see is: he gets to sleep with and date multiple women but because she took one guy's phone number while he was in the bathroom at the bar where they were playing pool for 2 hours, she's committed some dating sin that he should never forgive her for. Um, I think he's a hypocrite for implementing such a double standard. 

It does not matter in the least that they were all kissy-kissy at the bar. According to the OP, she's just some woman he's been casually dating for 6 weeks, among other women he's not denied to her that he's seeing. So, she is well aware of his multi-dating. Does it mean she's not allowed to exchange numbers with a guy who she has a connection with while she's on a date? No, it doesn't.

The OP is not in a committed relationship. So, he is not allowed to dictate how she behaves. I think the OP is very insecure and controlling and completely blowing the situation out of proportion because of his ego. So what she took another guy's number. He doesn't want to be exclusive with her. So, she's not his girlfriend. She can take 10 guys numbers if she wants to. 

Until he decides to put a ring on it, aka, be exclusive with her, he cannot tell her what to do while they are on dates since its just casual. If they were in a year long relationship, then yeah, I'd agree that her behavior taking that guy's phone number was probably a sign that she was not interested in the OP. And maybe that's why she took that guy's phone number now -- a sign that she's fed up with being a number on his list of women he casually dates and maybe she felt a better connection or maybe she just actually wants to be friends with the guy. 

OP, just stop seeing this woman and continue on with the other women  you're casually dating. I don't think you and she are compatible or she wouldn't have taken that other guy's phone number. She did so, b/c she's not happy with you (and for good reason based on how you treat her). 
 

No offence but I have a hard time believing that if a guy you were on a (non-exclusive) date with got another woman’s phone number you would just smile sweetly and say “all’s fair in love and war” to him.

[Watercolors]

3 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

No offence but I have a hard time believing that if a guy you were on a (non-exclusive) date with got another woman’s phone number you would just smile sweetly and say “all’s fair in love and war” to him.

If we’re just hanging out no it wouldn’t bother me.