Date gave her phone to another guy

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, Romano10 said:

Wow it really amazes me. First I told her I was seeing other people at the BEGINNING. 

You are only 1.5 months in.  It's still the beginning. Yes you denied exclusivity at 2 weeks but now it's been 6 & you never informed her that your position changed. 

That said everyone on this thread supported you that getting another guy's number while on a date with you was wrong  So what is amazing you? 

Multi-dating is a thing.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander.  The classy way to multi-date is to assume you are not exclusive until you have a conversation with the other person about exclusivity & commitment but never let it encroach on the actual date.  The person you are with should never be confronted with direct evidence that they are not the only person in your life even if they intellectually know that.  Having it thrown in someone's face is distasteful.  

Edited August 28, 2020 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

Did you ever tell her you were not now seeing/chasing other women?

[Mystery4u]

Why is 2 weeks too soon for exclusivity?

You told her you were seeing other women - since that point did you ever ask her to be your girlfriend? Make it official? Make her feel like a Queen and the only woman in the world? No I didn't think so.

So while it wasn't the best thing to do by her, you have no right to be angry at her. You made your bed.

[amerikajin]

1 hour ago, Romano10 said:

Wow it really amazes me. First I told her I was seeing other people at the BEGINNING. I never brought it up on my own and never flirted in front her. This is why no one has integrity anymore in 2020 and relationships go to s*** very quickly. What she has done is completely inappropriate, exclusive or not. This is not a context where we were at a party and she befriended another guy. It was a straight up pick up while I was in the picture and she went with it. Thats just bad.

Well if you know for sure that what she did was so wrong why are you asking for our opinions?

I don't think anyone is saying what she did was right or helpful - it wasn't. And yeah, speaking as a guy, my ego would be bruised if I knew that a girl that was mugging me the entire night decided to slip some random guy her phone while I was taking a piss.

But sorry, dude, you can't expect people to take you seriously if you're telling someone that you're seeing more than once that your field is wide open and there are potentially other competitors. It doesn't typically make someone feel comfortable in that situation. That was the message she was trying to send. She didn't like the idea that she might have to 'compete' with other women while she's getting to know you.

[amerikajin]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You are only 1.5 months in.  It's still the beginning. Yes you denied exclusivity at 2 weeks but now it's been 6 & you never informed her that your position changed. 

That said everyone on this thread supported you that getting another guy's number while on a date with you was wrong  So what is amazing you? 

Multi-dating is a thing.  What's good for the goose is good for the gander.  The classy way to multi-date is to assume you are not exclusive until you have a conversation with the other person about exclusivity & commitment but never let it encroach on the actual date.  The person you are with should never be confronted with direct evidence that they are not the only person in your life even if they intellectually know that.  Having it thrown in someone's face is distasteful.  

I used to believe in multi-dating, but I've come to the conclusion that it should only be a thing if you are really not serious about dating anyone and just want company. If you're looking for something more than that, multi-dating probably shouldn't be a thing.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Romano10 said:

Wow it really amazes me. First I told her I was seeing other people at the BEGINNING. I never brought it up on my own and never flirted in front her. This is why no one has integrity anymore in 2020 and relationships go to s*** very quickly. What she has done is completely inappropriate, exclusive or not. This is not a context where we were at a party and she befriended another guy. It was a straight up pick up while I was in the picture and she went with it. Thats just bad.

Did you delete and block her? 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, Romano10 said:

While on a date with someone else? You really think after that I'll go gome and f*** her good?

Um, eew. If I were this girl this would have me running, I'm sorry. I mean you do understand that for most of us women, if all we want is sex we can get it, at varying skills right on up to spectacular? She can get f*cked good and possibly by a way more attentive guy than you, just saying. I'm fact, she has a number to call right now if she wants some. I think she's gonna run, OP...

Edited August 28, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, Romano10 said:

Wow it really amazes me. First I told her I was seeing other people at the BEGINNING. I never brought it up on my own and never flirted in front her. This is why no one has integrity anymore in 2020 and relationships go to s*** very quickly. What she has done is completely inappropriate, exclusive or not. This is not a context where we were at a party and she befriended another guy. It was a straight up pick up while I was in the picture and she went with it. Thats just bad.

So? Break up with her then. But a thought: while some of these points make sense, you come off as really controlling...and your rules are all about what you've decided are somehow right...you're the king, somehow. For instance, you've decided integrity means screwing other people but saying so first...but not her mentioning that's the way it is...just you get to do that...while you're laying down the law.

She has a say too, and was probably - albeit immaturely - showing you that, and my guess is she's going to break up with you. Your controlling attitude is just odd and while people keep saying you should decide IF you want to keep seeing her you CAN, I'm not so sure you have that chioce. By her obvious degree of resentment I just get the feeling she's going to walk and leave you standing there...this is only based on what you've written plus how your attitude comes off in writing...I'm aware things can come  off differently in writing.

But this is how I see it.

Edited August 28, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Romano10 said:

What are your thoughts?

11 hours ago, Romano10 said:

She asked me if I was seeing other girls within 2 weeks of dating. I told her yes, she was a bit upset, and I explained that she cant expect to be exclusice so soon.

Turnabout is fair play.

You're not exclusive. End of story.

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did you delete and block her? 

Exactly...if you've decided this is unacceptable and she doesn't have integrity, have you broken up with her?

[kismetkismet]

You're not exclusive. She asked you about exclusivity at week 2 and you haven't brought it up in a month, so she may assume you don't ever want to get serious. Yes, giving the guy her number while on a date with you and telling you wasn't cool, but you haven't discussed boundaries or the relationship status. 

My guess is that she's irritated with you and letting you know that she has other options. 

[Romano10]

I'm not controlling at all but in my book this is a big no. Nothing to do with her dating other guys but what she did specifically on that night. Perhaps boundaries were not set so we'll have a discussion and see how it goes from there.

[kismetkismet]

Do you want to be exclusive with her? The conversation is likely to head that way. 

[kendahke]

it's interesting that it took her doing that for you to get off the pot about exclusivity...

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Romano10 said:

 Perhaps boundaries were not set so we'll have a discussion and see how it goes from there.

If you still want to date and date her exclusively, this would be a good discussion to have. However picking up men while out with you is in bad  form.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, Romano10 said:

I'm not controlling at all but in my book this is a big no. Nothing to do with her dating other guys but what she did specifically on that night. Perhaps boundaries were not set so we'll have a discussion and see how it goes from there.

In YOUR book. Again.

Boundaries will be set?

Dude, you are not her handler.

Whatever happens during this talk ought to be interesting. I think you really need to hope this guy isn't better in bed than you.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, Romano10 said:

I'm not controlling at all but in my book this is a big no. Nothing to do with her dating other guys but what she did specifically on that night. Perhaps boundaries were not set so we'll have a discussion and see how it goes from there.

Since it was your idea to not to be exclusive in a first place and boundaries were not discussed and agreed upon, it means she did nothing wrong. You don't have to like her behavior, but since you are not exclusive she didn't cross any lines here. If she finds a bigger better deal, even if in front of you, she is allowed to go for it. This is what not being exclusive is all about. Perhaps she was trying to provoke you  or make you jealous but again, she is not in the wrong here.

You told her face blank that you are dating other women, do you really expect loyalty from her? lol

Edited August 29, 2020 by Alvi

[CLS63AMG]

18 hours ago, Romano10 said:

So I've been dating this girl for a month n a half for once or twice per week. She asked me if I was seeing other girls within 2 weeks of dating. I told her yes, she was a bit upset, and I explained that she cant expect to be exclusice so soon. Anyways I know she really likes me and we really have a good time together but this happened today...

We went out to play pool and next to our table were 2 guys. We probably played for 2 hours, we were drinking and kissing, and she also tried to distract me a few times by kissing me while it was my turn to shoot... and when I went to the washroom for the last time, one of the dudes (same culture as my date) approached her to ask for her phone number. As soon as I came back, she told me that the guy approached her. I though that she testing me but she sd she was serious. As I found this really insulting I went to the guy and asked him about his business. He sd they were both from the same country and just wanted to.be friends...

We left after that, and after a few minutes discussing the matter (I wasnt upset at all about her but about the situation where the guy clearly saw we were dating or together).

Because we werent exclusive, she admitted on the way back home she handed her phone to the guy so he could enter his contact info. I was just profoundly insulted and told her I would drop her back home and leave. Told her that even though we are not exclusive, accepting the approaches of another guy while on a date is just unacceptable. Its not like she was walking to the washroom in a nightclub and a random guy stopped her on her way. We've been playing next to these guys for the past 2 hours. The good thing is that she told me but how bad is it that she simply could hand over her phone in the hands of another guy while I was taking a piss... She's now sending me messages that she is very sorry, and doesnt want this to be the end.

What are your thoughts?

I've dated "other culture" girls and one of them wasn't allowed to marry anyone not of her same culture/religion (I wasn't).  I was basically an escape for her, could be the case with yours and that guy may have checked (her dads) boxes.  No girl into you, in the fun early stages of dating would hand her number out.  Just make sure you aren't a bus stop for her - have you met her family yet?

[poppyfields]

Hey Romano, I'm seekng this a bit differently from some of the others, and here's why. 

Sure okay you told her you were seeing other women (two) but only after she asked!  What were you supposed to do, lie to her? 

Course not, you were honest and told her the truth, and it was her choice to continue dating you AND having sex with you.   So that's on her.

You did not rub her nose in it, or flaunt what you were doing, she asked a question, and you answered it, honestly and sincerely. 

What she did was much different, very wrong and not something one does while out on a date, especially someone they like and respect. 

By allowing another man (and don't give a rat's * if they belong to the same culture), to flirt with her, hit on her, attempt to pick her up and then give that same man her number was blatant disrespect.  I mean like totally blatant!

And my sense this is what annoys you and pisses you off NOT because you're jealous of the other guy or because she, like you, is keeping options open.

Am I wrong about that? 

If she is out somewhere by herself or with her friends, and she wants to give her number to another guy, fine!  Have at it!  You're not exclusive, she is within her rights to do that.  As are  you.

But to do that while on a date with you?  And then tell you about it?  Good gawd, I don't think so!

I cannot believe some of the others aren't seeing how blatantly disrespectful that was, I'm shocked actually. 

She was shyt-testing you, and that was unfair. wrong.

If she wants to be exclusive with you, there are better ways to express that than allowing other men to hit on her and giving them her number while on a date with you and then telling you about it.

There is only one reason she told you, to gauge a jealous reaction, it was a total shyt test..

I would think long and hard about going exclusive with her, she doesn't play fair, but your call.

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[amerikajin]

5 hours ago, Romano10 said:

I'm not controlling at all but in my book this is a big no. Nothing to do with her dating other guys but what she did specifically on that night. Perhaps boundaries were not set so we'll have a discussion and see how it goes from there.

I don't think you're consciously trying to control or manipulate her, but I think you're seeing this too much on your own terms and not putting yourself in someone else's shoes. Just my opinion, and feel free to disagree or reject it, but while I *do* commend you on your integrity and being straight with her about the fact that you're multi-dating, I would reconsider that approach. Of course if it's just about bagging chicks in the sack, well, there's that I guess. But to find a quality gf, I would focus on one at a time. We guys have a short enough attention span as it is.

 

[poppyfields]

To add to my previous post, I don't get how Romano is controlling and wants it all his way, I truly don't.

Why, because he wants to be respected while out on a date? 

Because he prefers that his date not allow another man to hit on her?  And for his date to not give another man her phone number? 

Seriously?

Romano can return and tell me I'm wrong but the way I see this, his reaction has very little to do with her keeping options open, or dating others the way he is.

And my guess is if he had discovered she were dating others, not because she told him, but some other way, his reaction would be much different. 

Because it's not about that.  It's about him feeling disrespected because of something she did while on a date with him that was disrespectful, there is just no getting around that.

And for the ladies who came down hard on him, I ask you, how would you feel if the man you were dating did the same to you? 

While on a date with you, was receptive to another woman's advances, gave that woman his phone number and then proceeded to tell you all about it when you returned from the rest room or wherever you were.

If it were a woman posting this story, I can guarantee the responses would be much different.

Exclusivity has nothing to do with this, it's about respect. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

To add to my previous post, I don't get how Romano is controlling and wants it all his way, I truly don't.

Why, because he wants to be respected while out on a date? 

Because he prefers that his date not allow another man to hit on her?  And for his date to not give another man her phone number? 

Seriously?

Romano can return and tell me I'm wrong but the way I see this, his reaction has very little to do with her keeping options open, or dating others the way he is.

And my guess is if he had discovered she were dating others, not because she told him, but some other way, his reaction would be much different. 

Because it's not about that.  It's about him feeling disrespected because of something she did while on a date with him that was disrespectful, there is just no getting around that.

And for the ladies who came down hard on him, I ask you, how would you feel if the man you were dating did the same to you? 

While on a date with you, was receptive to another woman's advances, gave that woman his phone number and then proceeded to tell you all about it when you returned from the rest room or wherever you were.

If it were a woman posting this story, I can guarantee the responses would be much different.

Exclusivity has nothing to do with this, it's about respect. 

Literally not one single person on this thread argued that it wasn't disrespectful, as far as I can see.

I can't speak for others in the following, but in my view: the *way* the OP says he speaks to this girl according to what he's posted here, and even the way he's addressed it to us, is all about proclomations, what HE has decided WILL be as far as boundaries and timing, and punishing his GF (for instance, he's not going to f*** her good - that'll teach her).

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[poppyfields]

25 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Literally not one single person on this thread argued that it wasn't disrespectful, as far as I can see.

I can't speak for others in the following, but in my view: the *way* the OP says he speaks to this girl according to what he's posted here, and even the way he's addressed it to us, is all about proclomations, what HE has decided WILL be as far as boundaries and timing, and punishing his GF (for instance, he's not going to f*** her good - that'll teach her).

 

Yeah but there were many arguing she was within her rights to do what she did, what's "good for the goose," she did nothing wrong, he can't have it both ways, you're not exclusive so....

Essentially telling him, no flat out telling him, he has no right to be upset about this.  That he's being controlling etc.

All of which miss the entire point, that being her behaviour was totally disrespectful.

You cannot tell me you didn't read those posts, they permeate this thread. 

Re his chosen words to describe her, which I agree were crude and distasteful, is beside the point, and has zero to do with her piss poor behavior on their date. 

P.S. Glad to see you back, you were missed. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[CaliforniaGirl]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yeah but there were many arguing she was within her rights to do what she did, what's "good for the goose," she did nothing wrong, he can't have it both ways, you're not exclusive so....

Essentially telling him, no flat out telling him, he has no right to be upset about this.  That he's being controlling etc.

All of which miss the entire point, that being her behaviour was totally disrespectful.

You cannot tell me you didn't read those posts, they permeate this thread. 

Re his chosen words to describe her, which I agree were crude and distasteful, is beside the point, and has zero to do with her piss poor behavior on their date. 

P.S. Glad to see you back, you were missed. 

I'm glad to see you too! From what I saw it was more the idea of, it's a tit for tat - not sure there could be any other view of this - but even so, people (mostly) who said that added that this still didn't excuse her particular method. 

I think we all agree that it was retaliation and that this was her poor way of trying to make that point. I mean...people have actually said this many times in the thread. No ambiguity. Outright said it. Most answers run a range from: she was immature (i.e., dumb move) to: leave her. If anyone thought it was actually fine that she did this it must be a minority opinion for sure.

The OP's attitude is actually an additional issue...one doesn't excuse or disprove the other. There's no law saying that both people in a relationship can't have weird issues or be doing something wrong. From what the OP describes, plus his wording here - and we really have nothing else to go by - he is no gem in this association either, and he seems to just lay down the law.

To me what she did sounds like a somewhat out of control last backlash before walking. It just really does. I would wonder what else happened between 6 weeks ago and now...because even immature people don't generally think something is totally fine, then suddenly and randomly react with what is obviously anger and hurt, doing something this out of line. 

We'll see what happens after this conversation where the OP decrees the particulars of their boundaries. But..I see her walking. I could be wrong but this girl is resentful. I personally do not think things look good from here.

[poppyfields]

I agree it could be a game of tit for tat, which she played poorly and unfairly imo.

Like I said, while he is dating others, he is not flaunting it or rubbing her nose in it.

He told her only because she asked and he answered the question with honesty. 

Her response, if we are to assume it's a game of tit for tat, was to shyt test him by allowing this other man to hit on her, giving him her number and then telling Romano all about it.

Hell I would not be surprised if she had told the other guy to hit on her while Romano was gone, just to garner a jealous reaction from him!

I actually know women who do crap like that to get their boyfriends jealous and to get them to be exclusive. 

Anyway, we shall see how this plays out, assuming Romano wishes to update.

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields