Romano10 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 So I've been dating this girl for a month n a half for once or twice per week. She asked me if I was seeing other girls within 2 weeks of dating. I told her yes, she was a bit upset, and I explained that she cant expect to be exclusice so soon. Anyways I know she really likes me and we really have a good time together but this happened today... We went out to play pool and next to our table were 2 guys. We probably played for 2 hours, we were drinking and kissing, and she also tried to distract me a few times by kissing me while it was my turn to shoot... and when I went to the washroom for the last time, one of the dudes (same culture as my date) approached her to ask for her phone number. As soon as I came back, she told me that the guy approached her. I though that she testing me but she sd she was serious. As I found this really insulting I went to the guy and asked him about his business. He sd they were both from the same country and just wanted to.be friends... We left after that, and after a few minutes discussing the matter (I wasnt upset at all about her but about the situation where the guy clearly saw we were dating or together). Because we werent exclusive, she admitted on the way back home she handed her phone to the guy so he could enter his contact info. I was just profoundly insulted and told her I would drop her back home and leave. Told her that even though we are not exclusive, accepting the approaches of another guy while on a date is just unacceptable. Its not like she was walking to the washroom in a nightclub and a random guy stopped her on her way. We've been playing next to these guys for the past 2 hours. The good thing is that she told me but how bad is it that she simply could hand over her phone in the hands of another guy while I was taking a piss... She's now sending me messages that she is very sorry, and doesnt want this to be the end. What are your thoughts?
assertives Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 38 minutes ago, Romano10 said: She asked me if I was seeing other girls within 2 weeks of dating. I told her yes I mean.. if you are openly seeing other girls and openly told her that you guys are not exclusive, she's not in the wrong to accept the approach of other guys, no? It's the same as her seeing other people just like you are too. Not sure why you are feeling this insulted. 2 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 What I think is... 1. She is hurt and she was obviously trying to make a point somehow. 2. You want to make up all the rules, per whatever pleases you. 4
Maldives Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Nope she's in the right as U indicated you were still seeing other people 1
Author Romano10 Posted August 28, 2020 Author Posted August 28, 2020 4 hours ago, assertives said: I mean.. if you are openly seeing other girls and openly told her that you guys are not exclusive, she's not in the wrong to accept the approach of other guys, no? It's the same as her seeing other people just like you are too. Not sure why you are feeling this insulted. While on a date with someone else? You really think after that I'll go gome and f*** her good? 1
Fox Sake Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Listen to CaliGirl. I agree that she was hurt and trying to make you see her value. It backfired on her and now you’re painting her in a light that is unjust. You created this situation. Telling her you were actively talking to other people just told her that you weren’t that serious right now- and you KNOW she really likes you. while I agree people shouldn’t be accepting others numbers whilst on a date, you haven’t exactly made it easy for her to think she’s won you over. You blatantly told her you were talking to other people so no wonder she was hurt and no wonder she let some guy type his number in her phone. If for nothing else to get a reaction from you - which it did but didn’t get the jealous reaction she had hoped for. So where do you see her value now? Up a bit , I bet- After you get over thinking she’s disrespectful. You’re obviously annoyed about it , but I think you need to seek some inner answers as to why this could have happened and look at this logically, cos It’s not her fault. You reap what you sow 3
Acacia98 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Just now, Romano10 said: While on a date with someone else? You really think after that I'll go gome and f*** her good? Lol. You really are something else. It's fascinating seeing how "wronged" you feel when, for all practical purposes, she just gave you a taste of your own medicine. Anyway, let's set that aside and focus on today's lesson: You guys really shouldn't be having sex if you're not exclusive. 3 1
La.Primavera Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 What you're feeling right now is exactly how she felt when you told her you were seeing other women. Hurt, angry, jealous and rejected. I agree the timing was awful, but some guy handed her the opportunity to show you that she has other options and she took it. Deep down she probably feels you don't see her as more than a fling. She clearly wants more than that. You have every right to feel disrespected by this (who wouldn't), but I also think your actions prompted her to do it by making it clear she isn't worth dating exclusively. Some people aren't designed to do casual multi-dating and hookups. It seems very likely that she is one of those people. If you continue to see her (not a great idea), you need to keep this in mind because it is going to cause more problems and she is going to get hurt. 2
assertives Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 33 minutes ago, Romano10 said: While on a date with someone else? You really think after that I'll go gome and f*** her good? No, why would you or anyone think that? She is not your girlfriend and you guys are not exclusive and perhaps shouldn't sleep together if a hook up isn't what you both are looking for. You are seeing other people and so can she. It's fair game, keeping your options open. Also, she's giving her number to another guy, not in front of you, but not sneakily either as she told you about it. It's not that different than if you were responding or texting someone else who you are also seeing or talking to on a date?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 (edited) I agree it wasn't in good form to give out her number on a date with you, but I also think you need get down off that high horse. When you told her you were seeing other girls, you set the goalposts. You weren't necessarily wrong to date others since it was so early, but the indication was that you were keeping your options open. You can't be too bent out of shape that she is following your lead on that. I'm also not entirely convinced she was trying to establish a romantic attraction if she was upfront about getting the guy's contact info. If you want to date her and only her, now is the time come to an agreement with about that. Check your ego here - is it worth being this indignant, if you genuinely want to see where this goes with her? Perhaps use this as the opportunity to decide what you really want with her, and proceed accordingly. Edited August 28, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Playing the field goes both ways when you're not exclusive. Next time make up your mind about being exclusive or not. Yes it's rude to pick up guys while on a date with you. She's playing games. Maybe you need to raise your standards when it comes to the women you date.
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Maybe you need to raise your standards when it comes to the women you date. I think she is the one that needs to raise her standards. If a man still sees other women after 6 weeks dating she needs to understand he's not into her. We know when a man really likes a woman he closes the exclusivity deal pretty fast. OP was quick at saying she likes him a lot but has not said once he likes her. He's interested in dating around but expect the ladies to make him their priority. 6
d0nnivain Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 7 hours ago, Romano10 said: accepting the approaches of another guy while on a date is just unacceptable. What are your thoughts? My thoughts are exactly what you said. While you aren't exclusive & she was free to talk to other men or give them her number it was just too crass & insulting for her to do it while on a date with you. Plenty of fish in the sea. 4
notbroken Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Either become exclusive with her or drop her. Now. She was playing a game by telling you. She wanted you to be jealous. It worked. It is a 'tit for tat' situation because you told her you were still dating but I'm not sure I could personally get over that. Rubbing your face in it was not cool. 3
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Ok it may be tit for tat, but he is from her culture and as the two of you are "not serious" if you are seeing other girls, then it may have been too good an opportunity for her to pass up... If you want exclusivity it has to work both ways. You do not get to play the field, while she sits chaste at home waiting for you... Your ego is bruised now, but you didn't care about bruising her ego by making her one of your "harem"... if you like someone then you need to lock them down, else they have a habit of moving away to someone else... No-one likes to be second or third or fourth best... 5 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Romano10 said: 1). She asked me if I was seeing other girls within 2 weeks of dating. I told her yes, she was a bit upset, and I explained that she cant expect to be exclusive so soon. 2). As soon as I came back, she told me that the guy approached her. I though that she testing me but she sd she was serious. As I found this really insulting 3) Because we weren't exclusive, she admitted on the way back home she handed her phone to the guy so he could enter his contact info. I was just profoundly insulted and told her I would drop her back home and leave. Told her that even though we are not exclusive, accepting the approaches of another guy while on a date is just unacceptable. 4) What are your thoughts? OK... first... let me say that I am sorry... but this one is going to be tough love.... (from the numbers above) 1) You blew her off (Dropped her down in priority) by saying you were dating others. Ok, points for being truthful, but a girl doesn't want to hear it... just like you don't want to hear it. 2) She is doing what you are doing. Although... not very tactful. 3) Right... you aren't exclusive. You are seeing other girls... why can't she see other guys???? 4) Well... you get what you get. You basically want this to be one sided. You admitted that you are seeing others... but she can't??? That's just your ego, but she played the game by your rules. You multi-date... you hurt her feelings... she did the same. So... stop playing games. If you want to find someone who may want to stick around longer... DO NOT MULTI-DATE !! With that said... you don't have to be BF/GF with someone right away... but you should give that person a real chance. When there are other girls actively in your dating pool... you may pass up something very good, in hopes of something else. Think of it this way... you are given a Honda, and a Ferrari. You get to play with both for a couple weeks, but have to pick only one. You take the Ferrari because it's hot and sexy. But after a while, you realize that the Ferrari is HIGH maintenance, and really not practical, and in the end, costs you a small fortune to keep happy. But, if you had the Honda... it would be reliable, and keep you happy for a long time. It takes time to really understand what you need, and if she is a good fit. Basically what I'm saying is... your focus is drawn away from a goal when there are other choices. Mark this one up as a learning experience. Move on... but with one girl at a time. Edited August 28, 2020 by Blind-Sided 3
amerikajin Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 (edited) I think both of you all misplayed it. First of all, let's just start with this whole dating around or dating multiple people at the same time thing - I don't think that's a good idea. It's just a recipe for confusion. It's understood that there's no binding agreement if you're within the first few weeks of dating, but you should probably focus on one girl (and she, one guy) at a time. If you're dating one person at a time, that makes the whole "exclusive or not?" conversation a lot easier. In that case, you can legitimately say "Well, I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment. I enjoy spending time with you and I'd like to get to know you better." You can then talk about where things are headed at that point while knowing neither of you has to put pressure on each other to speed things up. As far as her getting the number from the other guy, it's only fair. You told her you were potentially juggling other girls, and she's going to even things up a bit. And this is why dating around is not a good idea. Instead of giving the relationship a chance to grow, people end up treating dating in a more transactional way, like you're conducting interviews for a job candidate or like you're test driving a vehicle (test dating another person in this case). It's not a good foundation on which to build a real relationship. I don't think you two are going to go anywhere as a couple - at least not like this. The only way I could see you two salvaging this is to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart conversation about starting over on the right foot - and that's only if you two are really interested in doing that. But if it were me and if I really thought this girl were special, the only thing to do would be to contact her, apologize for your behavior, and explain you'd like to start over and that you'd like to get to know her and only her, and see where things go. It's probably too late now, to be honest, but you never know. That's your only shot, though. In the meantime, think about dating around and the confusion that this can cause, and reconsider whether this is how you want to start off your relationships in the future. Edited August 28, 2020 by amerikajin 3 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it, too. I don't understand this concept of dating multiple people at the same time, but this is what you wanted. She is well within her rights to see what else is out there, any time or any place. If this bothers you so much, ask to be her boyfriend and make things official. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Don't take your non-exclusive dates to bars with hotter guys than you there. 3
amerikajin Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Reading the original post again, honestly, I'm kinda disturbed by the OP's attitude. It's not healthy, IMHO. 2
lurker74 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 I would not tolerate her behavior. It would be fine if she met a guy in another context or in OLD but, yes, if she is out with you, it is completely inappropriate to give her digits to another man. Frankly, it's emasculating. And on top of that - and keeping in mind that I value honesty - if she felt the need to give out her info, she should NOT have told you that she did so. The whole situation is effed up. She gave her phone to him but still told you that he approached her while you were still there? That means when you confronted him (separate topic on that), she KNEW that she'd given him her info, which just makes you look dumb. The guys from her "culture" were probably laughing at you. Now, not tolerating that behavior can be different things to different people. Whether I continued to see her would depend on how I felt about her. But at the very least, I would communicate in no uncertain terms that while you're together, it's just the two of you. What you each do on your own time is up to you until you decide to be exclusive but otherwise it's just a dumb power play. So if she felt justified, I'd bid her adieu.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 Hey I agree with you, it was inappropriate. The fact she had to tell you what happened in telling IMO. It's playing games. Don't answer her texts and move on. And I know everyone has the argument about well you weren't exclusive...that's fine and dandy, BUT keep your dating business private I say. 1
DarrenB Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 You were in the wrong for not making her aware of your other dating escapades whilst you were still technically seeing her. She was in the wrong for attempting to make advances for future reference whilst on a physical date with you. To conclude, you're just as bad as each other in this regard and you'd both be better off not initiating any further contact 4
Author Romano10 Posted August 28, 2020 Author Posted August 28, 2020 Wow it really amazes me. First I told her I was seeing other people at the BEGINNING. I never brought it up on my own and never flirted in front her. This is why no one has integrity anymore in 2020 and relationships go to s*** very quickly. What she has done is completely inappropriate, exclusive or not. This is not a context where we were at a party and she befriended another guy. It was a straight up pick up while I was in the picture and she went with it. Thats just bad. 2
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2020 Posted August 28, 2020 I like how she waited on the way home to say that she gave him her number. She's pretty stupid, she could have kept her mouth shut and gotten away with it. She was trying to prove a point obviously. If she didn't like the idea you were still dating other women by week 6, she could have simply folded up her tent and dumped you. 2
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