nibelheim89 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 If "thoughtless swiping" is a thing and acceptable in 2020 modern dating is more screwed than I thought. 1
Blind-Sided Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 22 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Try to think of it this way. Him swiping is more like him gong to a bar with his buddies & looking around at the other girls in the place. .... While you an I agree on a lot of points... I kind of disagree here. So, from a guy's point of view (with good morals)... when I go to a bar with my buddies.... the point of the outing is to BE WITH MY BUDDIES. Sure... we may have some banter about a good looking girl... but that's not the focus of the night. BUT... when someone is actively looking at a dating app... there is only one point to looking there... and that's to find someone else. To me... looking at porn is more innocent that looking at OLD sites. With porn... I don't know that girl, and it's only reason is to get me horny. Looking at OLD could lead to actual connection and sex with that particular girl. I guess to make an analogy of this... it's the difference between hanging out with your buddies, and saying... I would jump off that 100' cliff into ocean. (when you live half a world away from it) and actually standing there at the cliff looking into the water. I don't know... just my early morning thoughts. 1
Bluesky00 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 Even if he is into you, most likely guys will keep their dating profiles active ... to see what’s out there. Maybe they are looking for a new friend. That was my experience when I used them. I have a boyfriend now. Unless you guys Bought a house and are living together, it won’t phase him .
Fox Sake Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 23 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everybody, I'm dating for little over a month with a great guy. He came after me and initiated all the dates until so far. I really like him and am starting to develop feeling for him, but sometimes I'm still slightly on the fence because of our age gap (he's waaaaay younger) . He says he's really into me, that I'm the most beautiful woman he ever dated and that he defo don't want to lose me. 2 weeks ago, I saw he got a notification from Tinder. I did not think much about it, since I myself wasn't sure how serious I wanted us to be. But he told me he thinks Tinder in this stage is inappropriate, that he has no desire to talk to other women and that he would delete it. Since that day, I'm starting to think about him in more of a serious way and opening up for the possibility of something serious. Fast forward to yesterday, as we were chilling in the bed, he showed me something on his phone and I saw Tinder on it, and he had also recently used it. He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping, that's he's not seriously looking for anything, since he's really into me. When I told him that I did not like the fact that he's still on Tinder, he right away removed the app, told me that he wants me and that he's really sorry. That, from now on, I can promise him. That he never wants to hurt me and that he's even starting to love me. He wanted to know if I loved him too, and if I could forgive him. He stayes for over an hour to talk about it. I still don't know what to do with it. What would you do? As others have said- take him at his word this time and see what happens further down the line. If it appears again then you say goodbye, but you need to trust that he’s being honest with you right now. I feel like since you’ve discussed your seriousness of feeling between you , that was enough for him to realise it could be going somewhere and he doesn’t need to keep looking. I always like to air on the side of positivity tho unless there’s considerable proof of horse play or lies. If however, you don’t feel you trust him anymore then don’t continue with this. It’s unfair on both of you if you start building resentment or mistrust this early on. Everyone starts with a clean slate at the beginning. As someone who made a similar mistake in the past , I would have done anything for that second chance after a wake up call asking me “what the hell am I still doing on a dating app”. It took me 5 years and thousand shattered pieces of my soul to get over that pain and rebuild myself. I appreciate that not everyone would take the time to pull themselves apart over that. I did. I learned my lesson the hard way. Hopefully you’ve given this guy the wake up call he needed. 1
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 Hi everyone, just wanted to give an update. We shortly talked again after it yesterday. He apologized again and said that he was crazy about me since the first moment he saw me. I told him that I trust that hes not on Tinder anymore. That I'm open to continue seeing him but that I don't feel like sleeping with him at this point. That this element might come again in the future
elaine567 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 10 minutes ago, Saartje said: he was crazy about me since the first moment he saw me. He knows all the best lines... 13 minutes ago, Saartje said: I'm open to continue seeing him but that I don't feel like sleeping with him at this point. What is your plan there? 3
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 You withholding sex at this point isn't the answer. If you dislike his actions so much that you are no longer interested in having sex with him just break up. Don't play games. 2 1
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 (edited) To me it doesn't feel like playing games. Its the best solution for this dilemma and to protect myself a bit. I'm interested in getting to know him better and find out where this will go and to see if he's truly honest. But by having sex with him, if feel vulnerable. How much I do enjoy it, I can only have sex with someone that I feel completely respects me and is being honest with me. I first want to feel that he's worth giving my vulnerability and I need to feel completely safe. Edited August 27, 2020 by Saartje
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 Since he's already made you feel unsafe walk away. If it's bad in the beginning it won't get better.
Watercolors Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Saartje said: To me it doesn't feel like playing games. Ah, but now you are playing games with him by withholding sex as blackmail against him emotionally. That's very manipulative on your part. And, it will backfire on you. You can't "get to know someone better" by withholding sex after you've already had sex with him. Sorry. But that won't deter him from swiping on Tinder. Withholding sex with him, won't entice him to behave suddenly, and want to suddenly invest in you more. He already doesn't respect you because he already lied to you. And, do you really want to be with a guy who you have to emotionally blackmail to get him to treat you with respect? Sorry, that's not the right way to be in a relationship with someone. You already gave away your vulnerability to him and look what he did with it? He lied to you IN BED about not being on Tinder anymore. And, then he ambushed you by love bombing you that he loves you, to avoid losing sex with you when he wants it. This 20-something guy is using you and you're allowing him to, and I'm not sure why. You need to walk away from him and stop jumping into bed with every guy you meet on Tinder right away before you have established trust with each other. Edited August 27, 2020 by Watercolors 2
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 (edited) Thanx for post. But first of all we didn't met on Tinder. We met on a party but at that time I was in a relationship. When he heard my relationship was over, he reached out to me and started to pursue me. He said he would delete Tinder when we were just sitting around. And then, when we were in bed 2 weeks later, he wanted to show me something on his telephone and I could see that the tab was in a section of all the tabs that were recently used. I actually don't know how recent, but I guess somewhere in the last few days. I myself am not on Tinder for a long time and I also don't want to date men from Tinder. This guy might be using me, but he seems sincere in his interest. And if he was using me for sex, then this is where it stops. If he genuinely wants to pursue me for something serious, then the door is slightly open Edited August 27, 2020 by Saartje
elaine567 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 Trouble is that people are actually quite clever and if he wants to keep using Tinder, he can quite easily hide the app on his phone and turn off the notifications. Trying to make him "behave" by withholding sex will backfire and send him scurrying off to get it elsewhere and no doubt he will still be lying to you... 2
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 I actually believe that hes not on Tinder anymore and me not having sex with him is not because I want him to behave. Its bc Im just not ready for having this intimate contact with him again. I need to feel fully at ease with someone. And that's just not the case right now. I like him enough to keep seeing him and see how things progress. And if I feel I'm ready to sleep with him again, than that's what I'll do. If that desire won't come again, than that's OK as well 1
Watercolors Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 I think you're better off just ending things with him. He's clearly not interested in a real long-term relationship with you as his actions have shown you.
Wiseman2 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 29 minutes ago, Saartje said: I myself am not on Tinder for a long time and I also don't want to date men from Tinder. If he genuinely wants to pursue me for something serious, then the door is slightly open Yes, stop the sex unless he wants to be exclusive...and backs it up with integrity, not lines and charm..
JRabbit Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 He's a liar. He lied and got away with it now. He will do it again. Liars don't change. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 2 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everyone, just wanted to give an update. We shortly talked again after it yesterday. He apologized again and said that he was crazy about me since the first moment he saw me. I would be very cautious and not expect a lot from this one, OP. He's very young. He's love-bombing you. He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. A cookie jar of double standards. Not looking very good. Personally, I don't think I'd bother. He's fling material at best at this point in his life, and he's already managed to screw up even the possibility of just some casual fun with you. Is it really worth it? 3
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 It's almost like he's trying to show you. Showing you how phone fully knowing he still has Tinder, etc. Maybe deep down he knows he's not actually ready to settle down. He's really young, OP. Early 20s...the emotions run strong but who that age really is ready to settle down? A few people. But def not the majority. Just my $0.02. 1
Watercolors Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 13 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: It's almost like he's trying to show you. Showing you how phone fully knowing he still has Tinder, etc. Maybe deep down he knows he's not actually ready to settle down. He's really young, OP. Early 20s...the emotions run strong but who that age really is ready to settle down? A few people. But def not the majority. Just my $0.02. Exactly. His grandiose gesture of showing you his phone WHILE you caught him in a lie of still being on Tinder was his way to try to distract you from the truth (that you already know but for some reason, are dismissive of). He's just a young 20-something guy, trying to get laid with whomever he can. It's that age. I highly suggest OP that you end things with this kid, and try to date men in your age range instead. He's clearly still very immature since he is in his early 20s. Guys at that age are meatheads. 3
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 It's not that he showed his phone while I caught him, he wanted to show me something and after that he started clearing his recently used tabs and there was Tinder in the tabs. He said 'oh, tinder' and then he responded with 'yeah, I should have already deleted that. Its nothing serious and I'm not really using the app blabla.' he started convincing me, shaking all over etc. and then deleted the app
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Saartje said: It's not that he showed his phone while I caught him, he wanted to show me something and after that he started clearing his recently used tabs and there was Tinder in the tabs. He said 'oh, tinder' and then he responded with 'yeah, I should have already deleted that. Its nothing serious and I'm not really using the app blabla.' he started convincing me, shaking all over etc. and then deleted the app But that's what I was saying. That was the time for all this cleanup maintenance? In bed, with you, and even "showing you something"? While looking through all these tabs? His emotions are high, he's a kid. You already sense something is off about his professed love for you...or you wouldn't be confused, or asking us. You know? He's really young...you probably will get nothing but mixed signals. Because HE doesn't 100% know what he wants. He only knows that after sex he feels like he's super in love with you. If you want to deal with that...well, you'll be dealing with that. You can't make someone mature faster than biology and life allow. He feels love at times but he's not ready for it...remember that confusing time of life? Even the shaking all over thing...it sounds like he feels like his mom caught him doing something bad and he might be in trouble. He's just too young for the security you want, OP... Edited August 27, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl 1
Author Saartje Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 I guess you are right.. I was hesitant to begin with but then he convinced me about his level of maturity bc he comes across like and looks like mature. He's even more mature then some men I dated from my own age, in the sense that he's really goal-oriented in his work, doesn't like to party at all, uses no drugs etc. I guess I mistakenly assumed that all that means that he's pretty emotional mature as well. I hate it because I genuinely started to feel something for him and he seemed to genuinely feel a lot for me too 1 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 3 hours ago, Saartje said: That I'm open to continue seeing him but that I don't feel like sleeping with him at this point. That this element might come again in the future Ruh-roh.
Watercolors Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 51 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said: You can't make someone mature faster than biology and life allow. He feels love at times but he's not ready for it...remember that confusing time of life? Exactly right! 1
elaine567 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 55 minutes ago, Saartje said: I was hesitant to begin with but then he convinced me about his level of maturity bc he comes across like and looks like mature. He's even more mature then some men I dated from my own age, in the sense that he's really goal-oriented in his work, doesn't like to party at all, uses no drugs etc. Every older guy on here that has been messed around by an early twenties gf, said "...but she is very mature for her age", that is, until she is obviously not...
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