Saartje Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) Hi everybody, I'm dating for little over a month with a great guy. He came after me and initiated all the dates until so far. I really like him and am starting to develop feeling for him, but sometimes I'm still slightly on the fence because of our age gap (he's waaaaay younger) . He says he's really into me, that I'm the most beautiful woman he ever dated and that he defo don't want to lose me. 2 weeks ago, I saw he got a notification from Tinder. I did not think much about it, since I myself wasn't sure how serious I wanted us to be. But he told me he thinks Tinder in this stage is inappropriate, that he has no desire to talk to other women and that he would delete it. Since that day, I'm starting to think about him in more of a serious way and opening up for the possibility of something serious. Fast forward to yesterday, as we were chilling in the bed, he showed me something on his phone and I saw Tinder on it, and he had also recently used it. He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping, that's he's not seriously looking for anything, since he's really into me. When I told him that I did not like the fact that he's still on Tinder, he right away removed the app, told me that he wants me and that he's really sorry. That, from now on, I can promise him. That he never wants to hurt me and that he's even starting to love me. He wanted to know if I loved him too, and if I could forgive him. He stayes for over an hour to talk about it. I still don't know what to do with it. What would you do? Edited August 26, 2020 by Saartje
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 He deleted the app in front of you. Take him at his word. Do double check his phone. If the app is back, dump him. If it's gone, put this out of your mind & enjoy the relationship. If you are really paranoid, make a fake Tinder profile & look for him or get a friend to search for him. Honestly since he deleted it, I don't know why you are still worried. It seems to me he did the right thing. It boils down to whether you trust him or not. Sounds like you don't but in fairness after only knowing him a month you don't have a long standing foundation on which to trust. 4
Blind-Sided Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Well... if he said it was "inappropriate at this stage"... but it's still on his phone... then... he's a liar. Simple. Also... to me... that's borterline cheating. Not that he was cheating. BUT... if he has the mindset that it's ok to look, when he (more or less) announced he was done looking... then he will let that line blur, and may lead to heartache later. I would dump him. 2 1
Author Saartje Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 Thank you for your reply! I trust him that it's gone, so there's no problem. What bothers me is that now I'm doubting how much he's really 'into me'. When I'm really into someone, I'm not swiping on Tinder or even opening the app bc I don't feel the need to. I'm not on Tinder for over a year, but I'm pretty sure that I would not have been on it while in the midst of dating this guy.. And that kind of hurts, it feels like he's not really that into me 3
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Try to think of it this way. Him swiping is more like him gong to a bar with his buddies & looking around at the other girls in the place. It's not great but it's not the worst sin early on either. Do keep your eyes open but let this go unless he's still doing it. 4 1
rjc149 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Sounds like you’re getting love bombed by a player. Thoughtless swiping. Geeze. Modern dating is so f—ked. I wouldn’t get too invested in a relationship with a much younger man. He’s probably still sowing his oats, or will resume doing that once the honeymoon is over. Just watch out. 7 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Follow your gut, and act accordingly. 1
Author Saartje Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) He's in his early twenties, I'm in my early thirties. He actually just called me to say how stupid and ashamed he feels. That swiping was just a habit, that he wasn't looking for anything serious bc he's falling in love with me and that he really wants to go on with us Edited August 26, 2020 by Saartje
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 27 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Honestly since he deleted it, I don't know why you are still worried. Because he had already made a show of deleting it 2 weeks ago and she now finds it is back... 1
Author Saartje Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Because he had already made a show of deleting it 2 weeks ago and she now finds it is back... I think I need to bring some nuance in it: he told me 2 weeks ago that he would delete his app. But he did not actually do it on that moment. He just said 'o, got a Tinder notification. I'm going to delete it, bc I don't need it anymore and I don't want to talk to other girls'. Then I just said 'ok' and then we kissed goodbye and he went home. So it's not that he deleted it and then its back again, he just said 'I'm going to delete it' but 2 weeks later, it's still on hin phone Edited August 26, 2020 by Saartje 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 I don't know about this guy, OP. He made a big deal about Tinder being inappropriate at this stage, yet there he is, still using it. Sure, he deleted it but he was talking out both sides of his mouth until you happened to catch him. That's not a good sign. Also, he's saying he might love you and wants to know if you love him? It's only been a month. You are still getting to know each other. He either has no clue what love is, or he's attempting to love-bomb you. I would be wary. He's giving off some player vibes here. Sorry, Saartje. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 He said he deleted it & he didn't. But where's the evidence he used it in the two weeks? If it was just there, again, now that it's gone I'd move forward with him. It is possible to have apps you don't use. I haven't used Waze since March because I don't go anywhere. If it really bugs you that much dump him but that seems more like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
elaine567 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, Saartje said: : he told me 2 weeks ago that he would deflate delete his app. But he did not actually do it on that moment. He just said 'o, got a Tinder notification. I'm going to delete it, bc I don't need it anymore and I don't want to talk to other girls'. 50 minutes ago, Saartje said: he has no desire to talk to other women and that he would delete it. 50 minutes ago, Saartje said: He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping Yeah sure... 1
Erik30 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Sure he deleted the app, but did he delete his profile first?... 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Just now, Erik30 said: Sure he deleted the app, but did he delete his profile first?... Also this. Deleting the app doesn't mean he's deleted his profile. 3 1
introverted1 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 He's a young kid, OP. I am not sure how realistic it is to expect fealty and devotion. He is probably experiencing limerance,but I doubt he's in a place in his life to make a lasting commitment. 4 1
stillafool Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Due to his age, early 20s, I wouldn't put much stock in him not wanting to see others. Not that him being younger is a problem but men and women in their early 20s will sow wild oats, especially men, so I think you should reel in your emotions at this point. If he were 35 and you're 45 I don't think it would be as much of a problem. 1 1
smackie9 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 He's filling your ear with what you want to hear......... 1 1
Watercolors Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) Saartje there are so many red flags with your dating situation that others have caught on to, so I will just repeat them here: 1 hour ago, Saartje said: I'm still slightly on the fence because of our age gap (he's waaaaay younger) . You should be wary of his age. Guys in their 20-25 age range are sowing their oats more than committing to one woman. Jumping into bed with a young guy is fine, if you want to have a fling that lasts a couple of months. I'm curious why you aren't dating men your own age? Are you only attracted to guys in their 20s? 1 hour ago, Saartje said: He came after me and initiated all the dates until so far. This is called 'love bombing.' Coming on hard and fast is always a sign that you are being love-bombed. Also, someone else mentioned 'limerence,' which is a state of mind that results from romantic attraction to another person that includes objectifying the other person and creating a fantasy around that other person (without letting things develop naturally or slowly). 53 minutes ago, Saartje said: he told me 2 weeks ago that he would delete his app. But he did not actually do it on that moment. He just said 'o, got a Tinder notification. I'm going to delete it, bc I don't need it anymore and I don't want to talk to other girls'. The above two excerpts from your posts are evidence that this young guy is totally love bombing you. Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person through demonstrations of attention and affection. He wooed you by coming on strong and fast right away. Then, he 'hooked' you through his blatant demonstration of pretending to delete his Tinder dating app while you two were in bed -- albeit to cover his tracks and undermine any doubt your gut instinct had about his true feelings. 1 hour ago, Saartje said: When I told him that I did not like the fact that he's still on Tinder, he right away removed the app, told me that he wants me and that he's really sorry. That, from now on, I can promise him. That he never wants to hurt me and that he's even starting to love me. He wanted to know if I loved him too, and if I could forgive him. This is also an example of 'limerance.' He's bargaining with you about being caught using his Tinder app while in bed with you. Almost as if you're the parent and he is the child, trying to reason his way out of being caught in a lie. He's baiting you with the whole 'but I love you sooo much and you love me tooo' lie to keep you hooked. You can enjoy a fling with him. But, I would not expect anything serious to come from this very messy situation that you're in. I say 'messy' because of his immature behavior and you allowing it. I'm a boundary setter (sometimes, too rigidly I admit). You tried to set a limit with him, but he undermined you. When you told him that you didn't like the fact that he is still on Tinder. Setting limits is important. It helps both people define what type of relationship they have, and what they want from each other. So far, you've allowed him to tell you bald face lies about his use of Tinder behind your back, and you've allowed him to love-bomb you b/c he's essentially acting like a male lion in rut, in limerance with you. Having consequences will help you get him in line again. Finally, I agree with the others. You cannot 'love' someone after just dating for 6 weeks. Edited August 26, 2020 by Watercolors 1
stillafool Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 The other problem you have to watch for is a lot of younger guys want to get the "older woman sexual experience" under their belt. They are curious and they feel an older woman will make them better lovers because of her experience. They will then take those new skills back to use on younger women. That's another reason why early 20s guys are a bad choice for an older woman. 1 1
Velvet teddy Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Saartje said: Hi everybody, I'm dating for little over a month with a great guy. He came after me and initiated all the dates until so far. I really like him and am starting to develop feeling for him, but sometimes I'm still slightly on the fence because of our age gap (he's waaaaay younger) . He says he's really into me, that I'm the most beautiful woman he ever dated and that he defo don't want to lose me. 2 weeks ago, I saw he got a notification from Tinder. I did not think much about it, since I myself wasn't sure how serious I wanted us to be. But he told me he thinks Tinder in this stage is inappropriate, that he has no desire to talk to other women and that he would delete it. Since that day, I'm starting to think about him in more of a serious way and opening up for the possibility of something serious. Fast forward to yesterday, as we were chilling in the bed, he showed me something on his phone and I saw Tinder on it, and he had also recently used it. He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping, that's he's not seriously looking for anything, since he's really into me. When I told him that I did not like the fact that he's still on Tinder, he right away removed the app, told me that he wants me and that he's really sorry. That, from now on, I can promise him. That he never wants to hurt me and that he's even starting to love me. He wanted to know if I loved him too, and if I could forgive him. He stayes for over an hour to talk about it. I still don't know what to do with it. What would you do? Thoughtless swiping? Yeah right. Dont believe that. He's just talking out of his a**. Also saying things like youre the most beautiful woman he's ever dated and hes falling in love with you . Classic. Edited August 26, 2020 by Velvet teddy 4
Wiseman2 Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 3 hours ago, Saartje said: Fast forward to yesterday, as we were chilling in the bed He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping Lying in bed and he claims he's using tinder "just to look"? You need to pull back from this. It's casual dating, but he's still looking around.
Mystery4u Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 5 hours ago, Saartje said: He sweared it was just for some thoughtless swiping, that's he's not seriously looking for anything, since he's really into me. This is 100% complete BS, he lied to you, fact. There was one reason he was still using it, and you know exactly what the reason is. If you believe his excuse then you will believe anything. From everything you have posted, this relationship is going nowhere long term. He will tell you everything you want to here so he can keep sleeping with you, until he finds someone else. Your choice.
kismetkismet Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 I once dated this guy from tinder and he did a similar love-bomb type thing very early on - "you're perfect for me" "I've never met a girl like you" joking about getting married and having kids, asking if we could be exclusive etc. etc. Then, I went out with some friends on halloween and casually mentioned him and my friend's friend was like, "oh! I've been seeing someone named ____ too!" Lo and behold, it was the same guy and he'd said the EXACT same things to her. We though it was hilarious and sent him pictures of us together. Guys can say a lot of things.. it's their actions you have to keep an eye on. Love-bombing early on is also usually a bad sign. Since you haven't discussed being exclusive, it's not exactly cheating. But he did flat out lie to you. 1 1
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