What place does someone like me have in the dating world?

[Inflikted]

29 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You're looking for something rare and special, not like most people these days who spend their time swiping left or right, into having FWBs or casual sex, casual dating and ghosting when they're done or bored or find someone else who strikes their temporary fancy.

Try to not be so hard on yourself, if you can remain positive, positive things will come!

Yeah, I try to stay positive, it's just so hard to keep that up, especially when I just can't see anything on the horizon that seems like it could help or change the situation.

19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Where do you live ...what country ot area of a country?

I'm in the US, in a generally "suburban" kind of area.

20 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

i don’t judge prop,e based on the first 5 seconds.  Some fo and some don’t.  Thry know how they are and love develops dliely after knowing someone.

I suppose. I just feel like I operate in such an extreme that there's really no way that can actually ever end up working out for me.

[Commongoal123]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to believe a lot of mythical rules. Once you get rid of that you can be yourself.

What this guy said.

For what reasons are you limiting yourself with your perspective for?

Don't think in herd mentality my friend.

There are a lot of people that date in the so called "correct" way you speak of... but also a lot of people who go about it which is "your" way... i.e. what you say is the "incorrect" way.

People do all sorts of things all sorts of ways.

On a deeper level, does this whole "correct vs. incorrect" perspective have something to do with you thinking there is something inherently wrong with you or flawed?  And therefore "your" way us the "wrong" way?

Do you tell yourself this in other areas of your life other than dating?

Were you told this by a parent or caregiver often while you were growing up?

[snowboy91]

9 hours ago, Inflikted said:

I don't think of it like "rules", I mean, it's not like I say "It has to be x amount of time before I...". That's just how it's always happened when I've developed an attraction to someone. Far as I can tell, I can't really help it, that's just the way my sense of attraction works.

Just because it's the way it's worked so far doesn't necessarily mean it will always work that way.

But let's say it does - you know it takes a long time for you to be attracted. But once you do become attracted, what sort of person is it, usually? Is there anything in common with those people? I say that because you can apply that to someone who you may want to date. Essentially you want to put your effort in to someone who you have a good chance of being attracted to down the track. It's by no means a foolproof strategy, and it's likely to fail a few times as you learn who you are/aren't attracted to.

And don't completely cast aside the possibility of immediate attraction like poppyfields has experienced. When it comes down to it, love, attraction, sex drive etc is all brain chemistry, and it's incredibly varied and works in really weird ways sometimes.

[Maldives]

Your gonna have a tough time because I think woman generally want you to move fast.. I don't think they have that kinda patience to hang around waiting till U figure out how U feel 

 

Edited August 27, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Inflikted]

7 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

There are a lot of people that date in the so called "correct" way you speak of... but also a lot of people who go about it which is "your" way... i.e. what you say is the "incorrect" way.

I guess, it just seems incredibly unlikely, and it's a very time consuming and high risk scenario that doesn't really pay off. I'm not getting any younger, and it's only going to keep getting harder and harder the older I get.

7 hours ago, Commongoal123 said:

Do you tell yourself this in other areas of your life other than dating?

I mean, I feel like my life has been one big cycle of bad decisions, so I suppose.

7 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

But once you do become attracted, what sort of person is it, usually? Is there anything in common with those people?

Not really, no. Of the small handful of girls I've "liked", there's nothing in particular they share in common, either personality-wise, or anything else. I'm pretty sure what ends up doing it for me is the bond that eventually develops between me and them. Like, most recently, with the little infatuation I have towards my current friend that I'm trying to stamp out, I consider her the best and closest friend I've ever had, and it's hard for me NOT to be "attracted" to that. Like, at this point, I feel I could talk to her about anything, I could share anything about myself to her with no judgment, I can just be me, and we're always going to have each other's backs. That's what I want with someone, so when I get to these points with women, especially once it's "too late" to change it, it's tough, because then I have to deal with these feelings of attraction that I can't actually do anything with.

7 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

And don't completely cast aside the possibility of immediate attraction like poppyfields has experienced. When it comes down to it, love, attraction, sex drive etc is all brain chemistry, and it's incredibly varied and works in really weird ways sometimes.

Yeah. I mean, it's not that I'm not open to it, it's just never happened for me, like, ever, so I really don't expect it to.

7 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

Your gonna have a tough time because I think woman generally want you to move fast.. I don't think they have that kinda patience to hang around waiting till U figure out how U feel 

 

Yeah.  Hence why I'm pretty sure there's not really any potential for me to find love and romance, and all that, unfortunately.

[Acacia98]

On 8/26/2020 at 2:09 PM, Inflikted said:

I've seen people talk about labels, things like "demisexuality", and that's fine and all, but I really don't care about labeling it. I care about trying to figure out what place, if any, I can actually have in the dating world.

And yet the label matters. It matters because its existence means there are other people like you in the world. And if there are other people like you in the world, that means that you can hopefully meet some of them, form friendships with them, and maybe ultimately date one if you both develop feelings for each other.

[snowboy91]

46 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Not really, no. Of the small handful of girls I've "liked", there's nothing in particular they share in common, either personality-wise, or anything else. I'm pretty sure what ends up doing it for me is the bond that eventually develops between me and them. Like, most recently, with the little infatuation I have towards my current friend that I'm trying to stamp out, I consider her the best and closest friend I've ever had, and it's hard for me NOT to be "attracted" to that. Like, at this point, I feel I could talk to her about anything, I could share anything about myself to her with no judgment, I can just be me, and we're always going to have each other's backs. That's what I want with someone, so when I get to these points with women, especially once it's "too late" to change it, it's tough, because then I have to deal with these feelings of attraction that I can't actually do anything with.

Ok, well we're on to something here. What sort of person do you think makes you feel comfortable in this way? There is a reason why she, out of the thousands of people you've ever met, is one of those people who make you feel that way and that you eventually become attracted to. I'm talking characteristics about her personality that are different to those of other people. 

My feeling is that you haven't worked that bit out yet - or at the very least not focused on it. I'd make that your main focus - finding out what people you're drawn to (and I don't just mean those with potential for a relationship). We all work best with the right kind of people and it's incredibly useful to know what that is.

[Inflikted]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

And yet the label matters. It matters because its existence means there are other people like you in the world. And if there are other people like you in the world, that means that you can hopefully meet some of them, form friendships with them, and maybe ultimately date one if you both develop feelings for each other.

Perhaps, that still just seems like a huge long shot to me.

1 hour ago, snowboy91 said:

What sort of person do you think makes you feel comfortable in this way? There is a reason why she, out of the thousands of people you've ever met, is one of those people who make you feel that way and that you eventually become attracted to. I'm talking characteristics about her personality that are different to those of other people

It's so hard to say. Like, using my current best friend, since that's the most recent, she's very different in almost every way from the girl I last liked many years ago. But we just have this bond, like, we both care and take an interest in each other, we can be completely open and talk to each other about anything, we have so much fun together, I feel like we always have each other's backs through and through.

I don't know that anything other than time got us there. It's like doing the dating process with someone without actually doing the dating process. Friendship leads to that bond over time, but then it's kinda locked in to friendship.

[Ami1uwant]

8 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Perhaps, that still just seems like a huge long shot to me.

It's so hard to say. Like, using my current best friend, since that's the most recent, she's very different in almost every way from the girl I last liked many years ago. But we just have this bond, like, we both care and take an interest in each other, we can be completely open and talk to each other about anything, we have so much fun together, I feel like we always have each other's backs through and through.

I don't know that anything other than time got us there. It's like doing the dating process with someone without actually doing the dating process. Friendship leads to that bond over time, but then it's kinda locked in to friendship.

This best friend...why no relationship?

[Inflikted]

20 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

This best friend...why no relationship?

Well, up until a couple weeks ago, she's been in a relationship the entire time I've known her. I've never been "pining" after her, I've been happy to be friends this whole time. I even became decent buddies with her now ex. Honestly, I never expected her to be single, so I never thought too deeply about it.

When their relationship ended a couple weeks ago, that's when my infatuation popped up. I became very curious about the idea of whether or not she and I could be more. But in all honesty, I'm fairly certain she doesn't see me as an option. Even a couple days ago, we were chatting, and it wasn't her "setting boundaries", it was just two friends chatting about our hopes and dreams, and the way she talked about us definitely implied she expects us to have separate love lives.

I suppose perhaps she might just not now that I'm open to it and assumes I wouldn't be interested, or perhaps she could come to see me differently in time, but I know better than to think that's realistic, and considering we've been this close for four years, I think it's much too late to try to see if she'd be open to more.

Which, I mean, it is what it is. She's my best friend, and above all, I don't ever want to lose her, so...

[Ami1uwant]

57 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Well, up until a couple weeks ago, she's been in a relationship the entire time I've known her. I've never been "pining" after her, I've been happy to be friends this whole time. I even became decent buddies with her now ex. Honestly, I never expected her to be single, so I never thought too deeply about it.

When their relationship ended a couple weeks ago, that's when my infatuation popped up. I became very curious about the idea of whether or not she and I could be more. But in all honesty, I'm fairly certain she doesn't see me as an option. Even a couple days ago, we were chatting, and it wasn't her "setting boundaries", it was just two friends chatting about our hopes and dreams, and the way she talked about us definitely implied she expects us to have separate love lives.

I suppose perhaps she might just not now that I'm open to it and assumes I wouldn't be interested, or perhaps she could come to see me differently in time, but I know better than to think that's realistic, and considering we've been this close for four years, I think it's much too late to try to see if she'd be open to more.

Which, I mean, it is what it is. She's my best friend, and above all, I don't ever want to lose her, so...

It’s too soon to bring it up. A few months gauge if she is ready to date.

 

in conversation you can ask her what does she wsnt..maybe she bring up stuff you guys slready share.

[CaliforniaGirl]

TBH, if it takes you a couple of months to know you're at all interested then yes, most people would lose romantic interest by that time. Taking your time while feeling things out and showing potential interest is one thing, that wouldn't be all that weird or anything.

[Inflikted]

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s too soon to bring it up. A few months gauge if she is ready to date.

Oh yeah, no, if I were going to do anything at all, I wouldn't do anything until it seemed like she was ready to get back out there. But, I really don't anticipate myself trying anything.

17 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

In conversation you can ask her what does she wsnt..maybe she bring up stuff you guys slready share

"What she wants" in terms of what? Honestly, we both seem to want the same things out of life/ a relationship, and I think we both know that, but even still, I really do not get the impression she'd ever see me as an option.

Don't get me wrong, if I ever felt like she was open to it, I'd love to give it a shot, I just really don't think she ever will be.

10 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

TBH, if it takes you a couple of months to know you're at all interested then yes, most people would lose romantic interest by that time. Taking your time while feeling things out and showing potential interest is one thing, that wouldn't be all that weird or anything.

Yeah. That seems to be my "curse", I guess.

[Ami1uwant]

6 hours ago, Inflikted said:

Oh yeah, no, if I were going to do anything at all, I wouldn't do anything until it seemed like she was ready to get back out there. But, I really don't anticipate myself trying anything.

"What she wants" in terms of what? Honestly, we both seem to want the same things out of life/ a relationship, and I think we both know that, but even still, I really do not get the impression she'd ever see me as an option.

Don't get me wrong, if I ever felt like she was open to it, I'd love to give it a shot, I just really don't think she ever will be.

Yeah. That seems to be my "curse", I guess.

 

 

Do you know ehst you want in a eonsn by now?

Want kids?

have the same views on religion?

do you hang st each other’s house?  Are your styles similar?

do you like the same food?

what are your values and how is that with hers?

what are your hobbies and interests? Is it similar to hers?

 

these kind of things you need to find out.....

 

i knew someone in college. We had chemistry. Friends told me I dhoukd ask her out.i met her through these friends.  I get to talk to her and she says she’s in a relationship so I back off. We still talk and I find out a few things about her that just doesn’t work for us. 

 

 

 

[Inflikted]

Well, again, it doesn't matter much, since there's not any actual possibility something will happen between she and I, but I'll still go ahead and answer:

18 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Do you know ehst you want in a eonsn by now?

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're asking with this one?

18 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Want kids?

She definitely does. I'm open to it if I can end up with the right person. I used to be vehemently against it, but I've warmed a bit more to it, and I could see a life either way for myself. Just depends on being with the right person. I couldn't say for sure right now whether I'd want to have kids with her, because that would depend greatly on how good the relationship between us would be. But hypothetically, if she and I dated, and the relationship was good, then yeah.

20 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

have the same views on religion?

Yeah, we both don't really care about it much.

21 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

do you hang st each other’s house?  Are your styles similar?

I've been over to her place plenty of times to hang with her and her now ex. They've never been to my place, because I live with family and our home simply isn't "presentable" for company, and she's fully aware and understanding of my situation.

22 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

do you like the same food?

Yeah, I mean, I guess? I dunno, I'm not a super picky eater.

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

what are your values and how is that with hers?

Values in terms of what? You might need to specify more on that in order for me to properly answer.

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

what are your hobbies and interests? Is it similar to hers?

Pretty much, yeah. We're both kinda "homebody" types, but we're both also up for going out and doing stuff, as well.

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, Inflikted said:

Well, again, it doesn't matter much, since there's not any actual possibility something will happen between she and I, but I'll still go ahead and answer:

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're asking with this one?

She definitely does. I'm open to it if I can end up with the right person. I used to be vehemently against it, but I've warmed a bit more to it, and I could see a life either way for myself. Just depends on being with the right person. I couldn't say for sure right now whether I'd want to have kids with her, because that would depend greatly on how good the relationship between us would be. But hypothetically, if she and I dated, and the relationship was good, then yeah.

Yeah, we both don't really care about it much.

I've been over to her place plenty of times to hang with her and her now ex. They've never been to my place, because I live with family and our home simply isn't "presentable" for company, and she's fully aware and understanding of my situation.

Yeah, I mean, I guess? I dunno, I'm not a super picky eater.

Values in terms of what? You might need to specify more on that in order for me to properly answer.

Pretty much, yeah. We're both kinda "homebody" types, but we're both also up for going out and doing stuff, as well.

 

 

Do you know what you want in a wife?

 

religion can be an issue. I had a couple dates with a woman who said she wasn’t religious.  I’m not religious. If I was raised I woukd have been  Catholic, I still do Xmas. In conversation it comes our she wanted to raise kids on strict Jewish rules and traditions.  I don’t accept that so I ended it.

 

if you are meat and potatoes and she is vegan you will have issues in a relationship.

ehen you buy a house do you have an idea in mind in terms of house size? Is it in a city, suburbs, small town?

 

What expectations do you have on a wife?

 

if you are a neat freak and she’s a cluttered mess coukd be problems? Do you leave dirty clothes on the floor ot in a basket? Do you hate doing house cleaning?

 

Does she have expectations on s make in terms of income and roles? Does that match you?

 

for a relationship to work you need compatibility because what may be fine as just friends might not work in a relationship.  For example,e money savings and use and long term planning will matter in a marriage but is not an issue in a friendship 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Inflikted]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

religion can be an issue.

Yeah. Neither me nor my friend are particularly spiritual.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

if you are meat and potatoes and she is vegan you will have issues in a relationship.

Sure, sure. Given the meals we've shared together, I don't get the impression that would be an issue.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

if you are a neat freak and she’s a cluttered mess coukd be problems? Do you leave dirty clothes on the floor ot in a basket? Do you hate doing house cleaning?

Not particularly. I don't consider myself "messy", but I'm also not a "clean freak".

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Does she have expectations on s make in terms of income and roles? Does that match you?

For her, I've always inferred that she doesn't care about "money" in terms of being super well off or having a guy that makes significantly more than her. Like myself, she hopes to have a home some day, and to be able to have a family. I think her main expectation is for a guy to have a consistent income, to be able to contribute financially, and to not be overly stupid with spending money unnecessarily.

And heck, as someone who will probably never be able to be a proper "breadwinner" husband to someone, I kinda wish I could find a girl who thinks that way.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

ehen you buy a house do you have an idea in mind in terms of house size? Is it in a city, suburbs, small town?

For me, that's going to depend entirely on what situation my life is in when I get to that point. If I'm buying single, I'd probably want something small and quiet. But if I'm in a relationship and/ or a position where family could factor in, then that would alter my decision.

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

Do you know what you want in a wife?

What expectations do you have on a wife?

I can't say I really do. I think that's tough to say, especially as someone who's never dated at all. I've really never had "ideals" or "expectations", because, from what I can tell, people generally end up realigning those things when they feel they're "in love" with someone.

My only real aim, for a relationship, is to be with someone I feel I make a good "team" with. And I think that's why my sense of attraction is so skewed, because that's not really something you can discern quickly or easily. People generally date for "fun", or for "lust", or to chase some idea of "love". And while love, and fun, and sex are things I'd love to experience, my sense of attraction is dictated by whether I feel like I'd make a good "team" with someone.

As far as my friend goes in this hypothetical, I'm not naive enough to assert that we'd be "perfect" together, or anything like that. I really have no idea. You can never really know those things until you're in a relationship with someone. I do feel like she and I have a good foundation for a relationship, but I would never try to assert that we'd "live happily ever after", because like I said, I expect that those things are all difficult to discern until you're actually in the relationship.

[Ami1uwant]

54 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Yeah. Neither me nor my friend are particularly spiritual.

Sure, sure. Given the meals we've shared together, I don't get the impression that would be an issue.

Not particularly. I don't consider myself "messy", but I'm also not a "clean freak".

For her, I've always inferred that she doesn't care about "money" in terms of being super well off or having a guy that makes significantly more than her. Like myself, she hopes to have a home some day, and to be able to have a family. I think her main expectation is for a guy to have a consistent income, to be able to contribute financially, and to not be overly stupid with spending money unnecessarily.

And heck, as someone who will probably never be able to be a proper "breadwinner" husband to someone, I kinda wish I could find a girl who thinks that way.

For me, that's going to depend entirely on what situation my life is in when I get to that point. If I'm buying single, I'd probably want something small and quiet. But if I'm in a relationship and/ or a position where family could factor in, then that would alter my decision.

I can't say I really do. I think that's tough to say, especially as someone who's never dated at all. I've really never had "ideals" or "expectations", because, from what I can tell, people generally end up realigning those things when they feel they're "in love" with someone.

My only real aim, for a relationship, is to be with someone I feel I make a good "team" with. And I think that's why my sense of attraction is so skewed, because that's not really something you can discern quickly or easily. People generally date for "fun", or for "lust", or to chase some idea of "love". And while love, and fun, and sex are things I'd love to experience, my sense of attraction is dictated by whether I feel like I'd make a good "team" with someone.

As far as my friend goes in this hypothetical, I'm not naive enough to assert that we'd be "perfect" together, or anything like that. I really have no idea. You can never really know those things until you're in a relationship with someone. I do feel like she and I have a good foundation for a relationship, but I would never try to assert that we'd "live happily ever after", because like I said, I expect that those things are all difficult to discern until you're actually in the relationship.

How much experience do you have eith dating and socializing with women?

[Inflikted]

59 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

How much experience do you have eith dating and socializing with women?

Dating? None at all. Socializing? I mean, I've not really had any consistent reoccurring "friends" until my current best friend, but I've always been okay around women. Honestly, I think I have an easier time socializing with women than with other guys. Just not "romantically".

[mortensorchid]

People have come down on me for having rules / standards on this forum quite a bit.  Well, there are some things that you have to accept as true or not.  I've had my fair share of winners and losers, just like others, and many of them were almost hysterical how many of them were losers.  For example, years ago I met this guy online who was a complete and utter wimp.  When we met, I asked him about himself and he just said "not much".  He said to me that he was looking to do something other than just play cards with his buddies all the time.  Boring?  You bet he was.  A "nice guy"?  Hard to say, he really didn't tell me much about himself.  We would get together a grand total of 6 times - each time I chose the place and time to meet (he had no preferences - none).  He didn't even bother to ask me what my last name was.  Was this going anywhere?  Of course not, I was off dating others (even sleeping with a guy during that time) and did he even bother to ask about ANYTHING?  No he didn't.  And I have learned, as a woman, unfortunately if you haven't heard from him within 48 hours after the first encounter, you won't hear from him again - text, phone call, IM, etc.  He might call you, you might have a 2nd get together with him, but he doesn't care if you say yes or no.  

I think in my case it's the lack of motivation and apathy I see on people's parts.  It's cancel culture - erase them from your phone and it's done.

[Inflikted]

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

People have come down on me for having rules / standards on this forum quite a bit.

Yeah, I mean... It's not even like I go into anything thinking that way, like it's a "rule" or something like that. Like, when I've encountered someone new, it's not like I thought "Okay, now let's give this a year and see if I end up liking her". It's just, I think the thing that really creates attraction for me is how much of a bond I have with someone. When I think about a partner, the thing I want most is someone I feel like I make a good "team" with, because that's kinda how I think of relationships, I guess, like it's a "team" of two people trying to have the best life together.

Unfortunately, the nature of dating generally dictates that that's something you find out about someone later on, after you've been dating them. Or, in my case, after I've been friends with them for a bit.

In any case, it's not like I necessarily "like" that my sense of attraction works the way it does. I know it's problematic, and that in the real world, that scenario is never actually going to work. I just don't know how to train my brain away from building attraction AFTER the bond comes, and over to finding attraction and THEN trying to see if a bond develops.