What place does someone like me have in the dating world?

[Inflikted]

I'm old enough to understand now that the "correct" way to date, the way you're "supposed" to do is: go out looking for someone you want to have sex with, try to go on a few dates with them to see if you can tolerate them beyond that, and then either stick around for a relationship or not.

But even knowing that's how you're "supposed" to do it, I've just never been able to get into that line of thinking. Attraction doesn't work for me like it does a normal person. The handful of times I was attracted to someone, it was only after I had known them for a decent period of time that I realized "I like her, and I'd want to date her".

Yet, I realize that that simply doesn't work in the real world. I understand that once you've been on friendly terms with someone for a while, there's no chance it can be something more.

No matter how hard I try to realign my thinking, I just can't sell myself on the idea of dating in the "correct" way. I want so badly to be with someone, but I don't feel I can get there because the "correct" way to get there is so unappealing to me. I want to be excited about dating and relationships, but having to force myself to go about it in a way that doesn't feel right to me just doesn't make me excited at all.

I've seen people talk about labels, things like "demisexuality", and that's fine and all, but I really don't care about labeling it. I care about trying to figure out what place, if any, I can actually have in the dating world.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to believe a lot of mythical rules. Once you get rid of that you can be yourself.

[snowboy91]

I don't think there's any one "correct" way to date. As an example, some people want to really get to know the person before having sex, and others will jump into bed within the first few dates since they regard the sex as part of the "getting to know the person".

Attraction works differently for different people too. Some people are attracted physically/visually first and others require getting to know the person before building attraction.

In your case I wouldn't get too bogged down in trying to date the "correct" way, and finding a system that works for you. You know that you need to take time to get to know someone before you're attracted - and that's more common than you think. Based on that, you have at least some idea of the sort of person you're going to be attracted to, so you can tailor your approach to people who you are likely to be attracted to. You might stumble a few times, but it's a learning experience.

[Blind-Sided]

As above... there are no rules, or "Correct" way to date.  You don't find someone you want to have sex with... and then figure out if you can tolerate them.  That's just stupid at face value. 

If you are dating On-Line... then obviously you don't have much to start with.  Picture and small bio, and hope for the best.

In real life... it's best to get to know someone, and be "Friends" first.   Just because you are a friend with a girl, doesn't mean you are in the "friend zone" with her forever.   If you have a good time with her, and you seem to mesh well... then simply ask her for a date.  But be warned... if you want this girl as a friend... NEVER GO DOWN THAT PATH.  if the dating doesn't work out... then the friendship will be over.  

So... DO NOT start with pure sex drive, or looks only. That will just lead to disaster. 

[Gaeta]

I agree there is no 'correct way'. There are plenty of women that would want to get to know you before jumping in bed or calling it official. You only need to be clear what is your style of dating. Also don't play friends with a woman and then expect she'll see you as more. A date is a date, it needs to be identified as a date. You can have slower expectations from a date (dates) but don't make a woman your BFF thinking it's the route to her heart. 

[Inflikted]

Well, something I forgot to really point out is that it's a little more "extreme" in my case. Like, certainly most people want to be friendly before they date someone, but in my case, it can take months or even longer before I realize I'm even attracted enough to have that interest.

Like, the last time I was really into a girl, she and I worked together for 1-2 years before I realized I liked her and wanted to try to date her. She was uninterested, of course. Prior to that, there was another girl I worked with for a year or so that I developed a crush on, though I let that go and didn't pursue it.

Or, even currently, I realized recently that I kinda had a thing for my best friend, who I've been close with for four years (though she's been in a relationship that entire time so it wasn't something I ever thought about), but I don't get the impression I can have anything more with her, so I'm kinda working on letting that go.

So that's the thing, for me. It takes me so much time to even develop an attraction, that by the time I get there, it's simply too late.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think your issue here is the same one I've noticed in you otherwise. You get these rigid ideas in your head and convince yourself they're true - self-fulfilling prophecy.

We live in a vast universe of limitless possibilities and combinations.

I've had a few serious relationships that started off as a friendship of at least a year. In both cases, logistics weren't right for a while, and then when they were, we started dating.

Lighten up and focus on what works and what's good. That's how you get more of it.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, Inflikted said:

I'm old enough to understand now that the "correct" way to date, the way you're "supposed" to do is: go out looking for someone you want to have sex with, try to go on a few dates with them to see if you can tolerate them beyond that, and then either stick around for a relationship or not.

But even knowing that's how you're "supposed" to do it, I've just never been able to get into that line of thinking. Attraction doesn't work for me like it does a normal person. The handful of times I was attracted to someone, it was only after I had known them for a decent period of time that I realized "I like her, and I'd want to date her".

Yet, I realize that that simply doesn't work in the real world. I understand that once you've been on friendly terms with someone for a while, there's no chance it can be something more.

No matter how hard I try to realign my thinking, I just can't sell myself on the idea of dating in the "correct" way. I want so badly to be with someone, but I don't feel I can get there because the "correct" way to get there is so unappealing to me. I want to be excited about dating and relationships, but having to force myself to go about it in a way that doesn't feel right to me just doesn't make me excited at all.

I've seen people talk about labels, things like "demisexuality", and that's fine and all, but I really don't care about labeling it. I care about trying to figure out what place, if any, I can actually have in the dating world.

Where to start....

 

if you are just merting domeone and know thrm casually...not bring best friends....you can date them.

 

stop thinking I only approach who I want yo screw.you are probably out of your league.

[Inflikted]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to believe a lot of mythical rules. Once you get rid of that you can be yourself.

 

4 hours ago, snowboy91 said:

In your case I wouldn't get too bogged down in trying to date the "correct" way, and finding a system that works for you. You know that you need to take time to get to know someone before you're attracted - and that's more common than you think.

Perhaps, but not to the extreme that I operate in with it, right? I mean, yeah, I'm sure people want to be friendly with people they might see around, but I imagine that stories like the ones I shared simply never work out, because if it takes that long for attraction to become apparent, then it's already too late.

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

You don't find someone you want to have sex with... and then figure out if you can tolerate them.  That's just stupid at face value. 

It's a bit of an oversimplification of it, maybe, but from what I've seen, it seems a bit accurate. For most people, physical attraction is what initially leads to two people interacting and flirting. Then you date for a bit to make sure you guys don't, like, totally hate each other. Then you eventually have sex, and decide if they seem decent enough to keep being with for however long. And then it eventually either stays permanent, or it ends for some reason that rears up later.

All I'm saying is, I always kinda wanted more out of dating than that, I always wanted it to feel more "special" than that. But at the end of the day, that's really kinda all it comes down to -- two people who want to ****, who then try to figure out if they can actually stand each other. And that's just a bit off-putting to me.

3 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

In real life... it's best to get to know someone, and be "Friends" first.   Just because you are a friend with a girl, doesn't mean you are in the "friend zone" with her forever.

I'm sure that could happen within reason, but to the extent it seems to happen for me...? Seems like a huge stretch.

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Also don't play friends with a woman and then expect she'll see you as more

That's not something I ever intended, no. It's not a matter of trying to manipulate anyone. It's just, I genuinely don't develop attraction to people until it's much too late to actually try to do anything with it. I'm never "not genuine" when being friendly with anyone. But weeks, months, years into a friendly relationship is often too late to suddenly decide you want something with someone.

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think your issue here is the same one I've noticed in you otherwise. You get these rigid ideas in your head and convince yourself they're true - self-fulfilling prophecy.

Well, that's what I'm saying, though. I understand that the way I wish dating could be is just not realistic and doesn't actually work in the real world.

But the way it DOES work is just so unappealing to me, and so contradictory to how my mind works, that I don't see how I can ever do it. Yet, I want to be with someone more than anything in life, and I can't have that unless I can convince myself to go along with the method of dating that DOES work.

I want to be excited about dating, I want to feel positive about dating. But dating in the way that "works" doesn't make me feel excited or positive. Because that's just not me, and not the way I think about things.

57 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

stop thinking I only approach who I want yo screw.you are probably out of your league.

I mean, I don't think that way, myself. I'm not driven by sex. And while my assessment of dating might be a bit oversimplified, it seems fairly accurate, from what I've seen in the world.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Inflikted said:

the "correct" way to date, the way you're "supposed" to do is: go out looking for someone you want to have sex with, try to go on a few dates with them to see if you can tolerate them beyond that, and then either stick around for a relationship or not.

With this mindset, you're going to keep running into challenges and blocks to that which you want.

No one wants to be with someone who "tolerates" them---that's pointless.  If if all you're looking for is someone to have sex with, you can buy that on a corner.

You're going to have to undergo a complete paradigm shift before you're going to see any success in what you're after.  You are talking about dealing with someone who has feelings, aspirations, dreams of who/how they want to spend their lives... they're not going to cotton to someone who basically wants to use them as a receptacle they have to tolerate.

Change your mind and the rest will follow.. Address your anger because that's what fueling this disconnect you have going on.

[Inflikted]

1 minute ago, kendahke said:

Change your mind and the rest will follow.. Address your anger because that's what fueling this disconnect you have going on.

You misunderstand, that's not the way I think and approach dating, myself. Me, personally, I'm an extreme in the opposite direction; I don't even think about sex when considering people, and when I do realize I'd like to date someone, it's months or even years after I meet them, to the point where it's too late for something "romantic" to be there.

My assessment was an oversimplification, and perhaps I was a bit crude with my words. But the point I was essentially making is that attraction between two people is initially somewhat physical (because you obviously can't see someone from across a crowded room and know enough about their personality before you approach), and that dating seems to be a path you go down with someone relatively quickly, or not at all.

Me, I need to see so much of a person before I can even think "I'd like to go on a date with her". And by then, we're already too friendly that it just can't switch over. There's never going to be a scenario where I'm friendly with someone for, like, two years, and then we both decide to date. That's not realistic, and I understand that, but that's the way my head works.

There's no anger or anything like that; my whole point is that I understand that what I want doesn't work, but I can't figure out how to convince myself to take the approach that's much less appealing in order to eventually get to where I want to be.

[Gaeta]

21 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

 when I do realize I'd like to date someone, it's months or even years after I meet them, to the point where it's too late for something "romantic" to be there.

This statement is based on how many relationships? 

[kendahke]

36 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

You misunderstand, that's not the way I think and approach dating, myself.

Thank you for the clarification because the way you worded that was alarming.

38 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

I need to see so much of a person before I can even think "I'd like to go on a date with her".

You'd be greatly served by examining why this is so with you. Have you dated a lot in the past?  Have you been badly burned and  subconsciously decided that you're not going to put yourself in that position ever again?  Something must have happened a long time ago that set you on this course of action. 

The next girl you strike up a friendship with--instead of sitting back and waiting on inspiration to find you and land on you, take some initiative and ask her out on a date before you invest so much time squaring away your spot in her friend zone.  If it works out that you and she develop more romantic feelings rather than friendship feelings right off the bat, that's good. See where it leads.  If it fizzles, then it fizzles, but that's no reason to keep marking out your spot in someone's friend zone.  Not all relationships work out. Not everyone we turn our eye to is going to turn out to be our love of a life time.

[Inflikted]

46 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This statement is based on how many relationships? 

Over the years, I've known a decent amount of women on a reoccurring basis. Obviously, I didn't develop an attraction to most of them, personally, but I've just never seen anything to suggest that that's something that can really happen.

28 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Have you dated a lot in the past?

I've never dated or anything at all with anyone whatsoever.

29 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Have you been badly burned and  subconsciously decided that you're not going to put yourself in that position ever again? 

Not that I can think of, no.

I don't know, I mean, I always used to think of myself as the "hopeless romantic" type. I probably grew up watching too many sitcoms and romantic comedies.

I've just never been able to approach the idea of dating or meeting people the way most normal people do. Physical attraction comes much later for me, but typically, that's supposed to be an initial attraction factor.

In a way, it's like skipping the "awkward dating" phase, but I wouldn't put it that way, myself. I just don't feel good about the way you normally have to attract to people, but I know that my way doesn't work.

[kismetkismet]

I think you've just created rules for yourself that don't exist. 

You don't have to KNOW that you want to sleep with someone or be in a relationship with someone before you go on a date. The first few dates are meant for figuring that out. I can't tell from just a picture/texting whether I'm actually attracted to someone either. You find people who share common interests, who seem to have a personality that you like, and that you could potentially see yourself being attracted to. Then you go on a few dates and get to know them and see if it's worth going further. 

[kendahke]

35 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

I just don't feel good about the way you normally have to attract to people

What is it about the process that turns you off? What exactly puts you off about the way one attracts another?  There is something you're basing this on.

I think you're going to have to find some kind of way to feel good about it, or else get used to being comfortable with your own company for the foreseeable future.  When it comes to dating, it is what it is---it's not going to change just because you feel a way about the process.

One things is for certain, though: if you insist upon moving at a glacial pace, you're going to find yourself always in the friend zone--and it won't be the fault of the woman you're dealing with.  Perhaps you need to find a girl who moves glacially, too.

Edited August 26, 2020 by kendahke

[Inflikted]

18 minutes ago, kismetkismet said:

I think you've just created rules for yourself that don't exist. 

I don't think of it like "rules", I mean, it's not like I say "It has to be x amount of time before I...". That's just how it's always happened when I've developed an attraction to someone. Far as I can tell, I can't really help it, that's just the way my sense of attraction works.

[MeadowFlower]

7 hours ago, Inflikted said:

Yet, I realize that that simply doesn't work in the real world. I understand that once you've been on friendly terms with someone for a while, there's no chance it can be something more.

This is NOT true. Not for me at least. That's one of the ways to my heart, is to be my friend. 

[Inflikted]

Just now, kendahke said:

What is it about the process that turns you off? What exactly puts you off about the way one attracts another?  There is something you're basing this on.

I just can't find myself able to just find a reason to be attracted to someone in a shorter span of time. I can go to a place, have a look around, keep my eyes and ears open, but I've just never once been able to become attracted to anyone in a more respectable amount of time. It's always something that develops way too late.

I know I need to change. I'm just not really sure how. Like I said, I want to feel excited and positive about dating, but with my sense of attraction being the way it is, I just can't find a reason to feel that way.

[Inflikted]

3 minutes ago, MeadowFlower said:

This is NOT true. Not for me at least. That's one of the ways to my heart, is to be my friend. 

Heh. Well, I wish I'd been able to see something like that happen over the course of my own life.

[kismetkismet]

Have you tried going on a few dates with someone you thought MIGHT be a good match eventually? You don't have to want to sleep with them before you even go on a date. It should just be someone you think you may get along with. 

Edited August 26, 2020 by kismetkismet

[poppyfields]

OP, may I ask how old you are?

I can relate to a lot of how you feel.  Throughout my 20s, I had two major long term relationships and sort of "went through the motions" with both.  Although both men were quite attractive, I was not feeling all that "attracted to" either.

We got on super well though, rarely fought, had things in common.

But for me, like I said I went through the motions.  We were great friends.  Sex was mediocre only because again, I wasn't feeling what I know now is how you should feel - chemistry and attraction!  Beyond simply appearance. 

Honestly at the time, I thought that was all there was to it.  I didnt question it.

Then, when I was 28, just about to turn 29, I met a man at an event I was attending and POW!

The attraction hit me like a ton of bricks, never felt anything like that before in my life!  It was immediate and totally unexpected. Same for him!  We were together for many years thereafter.

Anyway, my point is keep going!  I don't think you need to change anything.  

You just do you as they say and if you're not into casual dating, going through the motions like I did, don't do it.

Your Miss Right is out there and know that the type of connection you seek and actually require is very VERY rare.

I'd been dating since 16 years of age, had several relationships and it took me until 29 to find it.

We have since broken up, but once you're awakened to those emotions, it's easier to find it again, I have.

 

[Inflikted]

2 hours ago, kismetkismet said:

Have you tried going on a few dates with someone you thought MIGHT be a good match eventually? You don't have to want to sleep with them before you even go on a date. It should just be someone you think you may get along with. 

Apologies, I'll have to clarify again. The assessment of dating I made in the original thread was a crude oversimplification, and it wasn't an expression of what I WANT dating to be at all. I was discussing how most people assess potential dates very quickly, often starting with physical attraction. I, on the other hand, am an extreme opposite. The only times I've ever been attracted to anyone were after I had known them for a long period of time, over a year or more, because I had grown fond of them for who they were, but it was much too late to be able to turn that into a relationship.

The main thing I was getting at in my original post was that it seems like the decision about whether two people can be something more or will always just be friends is a decision that gets made early on. Other than in movies or TV shows, I've never really seen two people who are friends eventually shift into dating each other. Yet, that's the scenario that would be more ideal to me.

So, I, myself, am not concerned about "wanting to sleep" with anyone; the problem is, I can't identify people I "may" get along with in a quick enough span of time to make dating happen. In my experience, I become friends with those women, we get to know each other fairly well over time, and once I've grown fond, then I realize "Hey, I like her, I would like to date her", but by then, it's too late.

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

OP, may I ask how old you are?

Close to 32 at this point.

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Your Miss Right is out there and know that the type of connection you seek and actually require is very VERY rare.

Yeah... I just don't think I'll ever be able to find it with someone. Not with the way my sense of attraction works. Given the way I operate, it seems most likely that I'll continue to make a few more female friends, develop feelings for them long after I met them, but will be too far removed to be a viable date, to them.

[poppyfields]

50 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Apologies, I'll have to clarify again. The assessment of dating I made in the original thread was a crude oversimplification, and it wasn't an expression of what I WANT dating to be at all. I was discussing how most people assess potential dates very quickly, often starting with physical attraction. I, on the other hand, am an extreme opposite. The only times I've ever been attracted to anyone were after I had known them for a long period of time, over a year or more, because I had grown fond of them for who they were, but it was much too late to be able to turn that into a relationship.

The main thing I was getting at in my original post was that it seems like the decision about whether two people can be something more or will always just be friends is a decision that gets made early on. Other than in movies or TV shows, I've never really seen two people who are friends eventually shift into dating each other. Yet, that's the scenario that would be more ideal to me.

So, I, myself, am not concerned about "wanting to sleep" with anyone; the problem is, I can't identify people I "may" get along with in a quick enough span of time to make dating happen. In my experience, I become friends with those women, we get to know each other fairly well over time, and once I've grown fond, then I realize "Hey, I like her, I would like to date her", but by then, it's too late.

Close to 32 at this point.

Yeah... I just don't think I'll ever be able to find it with someone. Not with the way my sense of attraction works. Given the way I operate, it seems most likely that I'll continue to make a few more female friends, develop feelings for them long after I met them, but will be too far removed to be a viable date, to them.

Nah, it's gonna hit ya out of the blue like it did me at 29, and my ex who was 32 at the time, just like you. 

You're looking for something rare and special, not like most people these days who spend their time swiping left or right, into having FWBs or casual sex, casual dating and ghosting when they're done or bored or find someone else who strikes their temporary fancy.

Try to not be so hard on yourself, if you can remain positive, positive things will come!  

Edited August 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

58 minutes ago, Inflikted said:

Apologies, I'll have to clarify again. The assessment of dating I made in the original thread was a crude oversimplification, and it wasn't an expression of what I WANT dating to be at all. I was discussing how most people assess potential dates very quickly, often starting with physical attraction. I, on the other hand, am an extreme opposite. The only times I've ever been attracted to anyone were after I had known them for a long period of time, over a year or more, because I had grown fond of them for who they were, but it was much too late to be able to turn that into a relationship.

The main thing I was getting at in my original post was that it seems like the decision about whether two people can be something more or will always just be friends is a decision that gets made early on. Other than in movies or TV shows, I've never really seen two people who are friends eventually shift into dating each other. Yet, that's the scenario that would be more ideal to me.

So, I, myself, am not concerned about "wanting to sleep" with anyone; the problem is, I can't identify people I "may" get along with in a quick enough span of time to make dating happen. In my experience, I become friends with those women, we get to know each other fairly well over time, and once I've grown fond, then I realize "Hey, I like her, I would like to date her", but by then, it's too late.

Close to 32 at this point.

Yeah... I just don't think I'll ever be able to find it with someone. Not with the way my sense of attraction works. Given the way I operate, it seems most likely that I'll continue to make a few more female friends, develop feelings for them long after I met them, but will be too far removed to be a viable date, to them.

Where do you live ...what country ot area of a country?

 

i don’t judge prop,e based on the first 5 seconds.  Some fo and some don’t.  Thry know how they are and love develops dliely after knowing someone.

 

ths tends to be easier of you meet peop,e online or if you meet someone by slowly get to know someone like you see this person going to the store or coffe shop the same time as you in a regular basis.