Eternal Sunshine Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) I have known this guy for over a decade. We only ever hang out in groups in the past but due to COVID and lock-down loneliness we now hang out every few days. We either go for hikes or watch movies. He is the same age as me and started dating someone recently but he was never married/doesn't have kids. During the time that I have known him, I was aware that he finds me physically attractive. I am not attracted to him. We have absolutely nothing in common (from politics to how we view money, work, marriage and just about anything else). So dating was never going to happen and I think he feels the same. But when we hang out, he is constantly touching me. Like he puts an arm around me for a few seconds, he pats my thigh repeatedly, he puts his hand on my lower back when walking, he sits too close to me. I find all of that uncomfortable so I just don't move and never reciprocate. I think he would like some kind of lockdown FWB. He is also not confident with women and has only gotten more confidence in the last few years. I certainly don't want him to lose the confidence. I know he probably reads some version of PUA online and is likely trying to break the "touch barrier" lol. How to subtly discourage this touching? I feel "ick" whenever he does it but I would still want to hang out. Edited August 25, 2020 by Eternal Sunshine
mark clemson Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 Avoid/move away from the touch, but otherwise maintain social pleasantries. Adjust your body position, e.g. by curving your back, or simply take a few steps away. He should eventually get the message. The type of guy you're describing may think that you liked this aspect of his social attention and/or that this was building up to something, so he may be disappointed. But at least he won't be making you feel uncomfortable or wasting more of his time on what is essentially a delusion (if he is).
schlumpy Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 It does reveal his attraction to you and the touching is an extension of those feelings. I don't see how you can do this without getting some emotional blowback. If you start distancing yourself so he can't touch you then he's going to notice. Maybe he will understand that message without hurt feelings and maybe not. After all, you have been putting up with it till now. It's like conflicting messages. I suggest the talk. Outline the boundaries of the relationship and see if he will respect them. Most people have no problem following rules as long as they are clear and consistently applied. Then again it might be better to play solitaire or take up online gaming until you feel safe to mingle again.
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 18 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: I find all of that uncomfortable so I just don't move and never reciprocate. Therein lies your problem. Move when you see him initiating a touch. If he asks what's wrong, tell him that you two just don't have that kind of relationship. You are friends & he's being too touchy for you. Hopefully you won't have to say anything because you moving away will speak volumes.
Weezy1973 Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 And if he’s wondering why the sudden change, just be honest. You’re not comfortable with that level of touching from a platonic friend, but still want to keep the friendship. 1
Prudence V Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 40 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said: How to subtly discourage this touching? Remind him about social distancing. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 Stay an arm's length away at all times. Or find other people to hang out with where there is a clearer understanding about platonic.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 I agree with the advice to simply avoid/move away. Body language says it all. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 Why do you feel as though you have to be a wallflower and let him do this without saying anything? This guy is being a creep and crossing boundaries. He's doing things that are making you uncomfortable and feel "icky". I think what he needs is for you to straight out tell him that you are not attracted to him and that you're not ok with him touching you like that, that he needs to keep his hands to himself. If he doesn't respect that, well then he's not being a good friend, he's being a creep, and you should consider not hanging out with him anymore. On 8/25/2020 at 9:54 AM, Eternal Sunshine said: He is also not confident with women and has only gotten more confidence in the last few years. I certainly don't want him to lose the confidence. I know he probably reads some version of PUA online and is likely trying to break the "touch barrier" lol. It's not your job to boost his confidence. Your job is to be true to yourself and speak up when someone is doing something that makes YOU uncomfortable. You're not doing him any favors in the confidence department if you're giving him the impression that he can just go around touching women whether or not they want him to. That's not ok.
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