Author Physx Posted August 26, 2020 Author Posted August 26, 2020 Thanks again, and not sure if the separation was recent. From what she told me on the first date, I think it was supposed to have been quite a while back, but I'm not 100% sure on it though. We spent about seven hours together on the first date, and we had quite a few drinks, so some things are a bit blurry.
Author Physx Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 So, tried calling her. She immediately text back that she couldn't talk and was out with friends (even though the app shows she is at home). Said she couldn't do this Friday because her dad is getting surgery. Told her to give me a ring later after she is done spending time with her friends or let me know when she would be around so I could see her. I'm leaving it at that at this point. Something is seriously telling me things are just off here.
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 32 minutes ago, Physx said: So, tried calling her. She immediately text back that she couldn't talk and was out with friends (even though the app shows she is at home). Said she couldn't do this Friday because her dad is getting surgery. Told her to give me a ring later after she is done spending time with her friends or let me know when she would be around so I could see her. I'm leaving it at that at this point. Something is seriously telling me things are just off here. Well good for you for calling & asking her to do something & for leaving the ball in her court. Maybe she is just not into you. She certainly has a lot on her plate with dad surgery etc. If she is a liar, well you might be discovering why she is divorce worthy. But I hope you see that being suspicious doesn't help your cause. You have to put your best foot forward regardless. Your suspicions could be founded or unfounded. A lot of time it's less salacious than people think but the most COMMON answer: to me, the most likely or common answer is that she's either not that into you or not that into you because she is not ready to date, a combo of sorts. You can change the variables regarding the most common reasons people are not into you by being your best self (so you can get the right match and not blow it from stuff you do, of which being suspicious and insecure would be blowing it). Since it's two people, obviously you can only control your end but you DO influence the outcome. So your mindset is everything. Let's say she is a "not ready type" by managing the interactions well and with your own confidence and charm you can turn a "not ready" person into a ready one. I tend to think that a lot of people who put themselves on apps are probably not 100% ready but are willing to try hoping the really charming one makes them ready--and that's typically what happens if they bump into an exceptional person. But if they are leaning toward the "not ready", your hesitation from the uncertainty and the beginning of dating reads as boring or not charming or "not for me". So you see, it always comes back to putting your best, confident self out there and leaving the anxiety-driven, insecure stuff to the side. That's the strategy you need to play by and the rest will take care of itself. You need to focus on yourself rather a bit more as well. You are spending so much time worrying about what she is about that you are not bringing your best overall. I'm glad with what you did tonight. I think you need to frame it in your head positively and switch from the things you've been telling yourself on a regular basis. Even if this is a no--that doesn't necessarily mean you are bad at dating. If you do the right things over time they will work out. A confident guy doesn't necessarily take it as a fail or that he's bad at dating--he blames the other person Great thing from the psychology of optimistic people: they blame others when things fail & attribute "success" to their contribution to an effort. Think about it--if you conduct your life like this, how much easier it is to reset and try again, which gets you closer and closer to your goal & keeps the motivation going to get you there. TBH, maybe you didn't put it here but I didn't really see where you felt after two dates that she was THE ONE or were over the top into her either. I get the feeling that this is more about you wanting to be successful at your efforts in dating. I think you need to classify this in a way that serves you & keeps you going. I wouldn't call it a failure for sure. 2
Wiseman2 Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 The ball is in her court, now let it go. Unfortunately making the first 2 meetings hookups, she probably thinks that's all you want because ... again... you didn't suggest a real date . 1
Author Physx Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 12 hours ago, Versacehottie said: TBH, maybe you didn't put it here but I didn't really see where you felt after two dates that she was THE ONE or were over the top into her either. I get the feeling that this is more about you wanting to be successful at your efforts in dating. I think you need to classify this in a way that serves you & keeps you going. I wouldn't call it a failure for sure. Thanks again for all the feedback. It has definitely been extremely helpful. As far as the above quote, no, I don't start assuming someone could be "the one" after just a few dates. I'm not even sure I believe in "the one" anymore. You are right in that it was more about me wanting to be successful at dating and doing things right. I know I had a bad habit in the past of getting my hopes up too quickly, overlooking red flags (which is a large part of why I am so apprehensive these days), and overall just bombing the whole dating process. I have an extremely hard time throttling emotions, which is why I try to do my research into someone right from the start. I've dealt with a couple narcissists in the past, so I do digging to make sure I'm not wasting my time and prevent worse pain in the long run by overlooking things. Nothing crazy, I just find what I can about the person online to make sure things match up to the things they tell me. With her, it didn't, not at all. Going by the fact that I met her on Tinder, the only other dating account she has hasn't been active in a long time (and says "looking to date but nothing serious"), she never reaches out to me first, and multiple other factors, seems clear here that she definitely does not want anything beyond casual. Just so odd to me - she is so affectionate when we are together. But, thinking this whole thing has taken its course. Even with casual, I'm just getting tired of always being the one to reach out. 1
Author Physx Posted August 27, 2020 Author Posted August 27, 2020 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: The ball is in her court, now let it go. Unfortunately making the first 2 meetings hookups, she probably thinks that's all you want because ... again... you didn't suggest a real date . I get what you're saying and why, but I don't think it's the case. I made it clear on numerous occasions that I wanted to get to know her better. I'm thinking more so, she just didn't want more than casual.
CaliforniaGirl Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 She has a lot of events. And a lot of sisters. And a lot of plans - without you. You basically had to talk her into two hookups after which she just avoided you again. It's not trust issues. Don't make excuses and go down the rabbit hole. She's not interested the way you are. Back off. Back off big. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 56 minutes ago, Physx said: Thanks again for all the feedback. It has definitely been extremely helpful. As far as the above quote, no, I don't start assuming someone could be "the one" after just a few dates. I'm not even sure I believe in "the one" anymore. You are right in that it was more about me wanting to be successful at dating and doing things right. I know I had a bad habit in the past of getting my hopes up too quickly, overlooking red flags (which is a large part of why I am so apprehensive these days), and overall just bombing the whole dating process. I have an extremely hard time throttling emotions, which is why I try to do my research into someone right from the start. I've dealt with a couple narcissists in the past, so I do digging to make sure I'm not wasting my time and prevent worse pain in the long run by overlooking things. Nothing crazy, I just find what I can about the person online to make sure things match up to the things they tell me. With her, it didn't, not at all. Going by the fact that I met her on Tinder, the only other dating account she has hasn't been active in a long time (and says "looking to date but nothing serious"), she never reaches out to me first, and multiple other factors, seems clear here that she definitely does not want anything beyond casual. Just so odd to me - she is so affectionate when we are together. But, thinking this whole thing has taken its course. Even with casual, I'm just getting tired of always being the one to reach out. you're welcome I think that's really the point. It be nice if all the advice you are getting from me and others could make exactly what you want to happen happen. But the reality is the other person can't be controlled & that is half of the inputs into any one relationship moving forward. But that said, you can do things on your end more optimally to make that more of a secured likelihood. Bolded, I would say you are doing a lot of what you are doing in currently dating out of fear (anxiety, worries, trying to protect yourself). Fear usually blocks a person and doesn't let the best part of him/her show up. I would try to be more free & while not being totally stupid about past experiences, try to not bring baggage into new things and start with a clean slate. I think you didn't really do "research" on the up and up though--by asking her & getting to know her but perhaps by snooping on the internet? and that just raised more doubts and questions. I can tell you I bump into stuff about myself on the internet that isn't true & about others I know that isn't true. Not defending her entirely but you used a secondary method as your main method of research--when it should have been the other way around, talk to her first & get to know her & if there are major discrepancies then maybe use the internet to verify or snoop & then clarify with her. The point really being is that you alone start from a place of believing the worst or from an internal place of distrust. No bueno! A distrustful person isn't magnetic or attractive (or attractive as he/she could be). It's baggage plain and simple. I was meaning to ask how you met her. I kind of started to assume Tinder. Being that this was the venue, I think she might have just been looking for casual. Sounds like she is in limbo with a lot. Which doesn't necessarily make her a liar, just a person who probably isn't looking for a serious relationship. What's odd about that? I would imagine it applies to well over 50% of the rest of the people that are using tinder. In fact, it would probably be more of the anomaly, the ones that want a serious relationship from there. I think part of your problem is having used the wrong venue to find someone open to a serious relationship and then you classify the reluctance of the part of the other person to move things forward as all sorts of dishonesty & it proves the mental outlook in your head and the vicious cycle starts again. When in reality it was probably much more simple--she's on a casual dating app & pushback on her end is probably for the most part due to you wanting something she wasn't prepared to give to anyone. It totally happens all the time when the roles are reversed. If you were a girl saying this same story, people would be quick to say: that guy''s not looking for anything serious; it has nothing to do with you & it doesn't mean he's a liar. You have some of the repetitive thinking of people with negative thinking patterns (irrational thinking). You deduce a correlation that may not be true or may be there for another reason--not the reason you correlate---bolded #2 is a perfect example. I can tell you a million times that none of my girlfriends would be reaching out 2-3 dates in either and they are not casual girls at all--they would be more looking for a serious relationship types--but you will still believe that her not reaching out to you means she is disinterested. She may be disinterested because she is not looking for a relationship but if she was interested she also might not be the initiating type. Any girl that is interested might not be the initiating type at this point. Anyway, if you just stop liking a girl because you get exhausted by reaching out (which is a little too fragile IMO), that's fine & your prerogative. But I have a feeling it relates back to your self-esteem and using Initiating a marker of how into you some girl is. I'm trying to tell you at this stage that's a flawed way to judge that. Perhaps you are picking up on a lack of enthusiasm when you do reach her--fine that's a much better signal. But back to my example of a girl who looks for a relationship&doesn't initiate, you will still need to initiate most likely and the majority of the time in these beginning stages but you will be met with enthusiasm & someone willing to plan a date & returns texts. Look for reciprocity when you initiate--that's a better signal. If you are still gonna boo hoo because a girl is not reaching out yet, then yeah I would say you probably need to work on self-esteem. I agree that things with this girl have taken their course. I hope that you have better luck on the next one & please keep posting so we hopefully can help you over the points where you might screw it up. They mostly seem to happen at the beginning--which has to be super frustrating for you. Oh and get onto another app too if you would like serious. I think you are more calibrated that way anyway. Regardless you are going to need to be ok with UNCERTAINTY at the beginning of dating. That's just the name of the game Like anything NEW that comes into life, there is always uncertainty attached on those occasions. Try to turn it into nervous excitement, instead of fear/worry that debilitates you and screws up your game. Good luck 1
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