I have no idea where I'm going to be in the next few months. Is it worth pursuing a long distance relationship when you're a nomad/don't have a stable lifestyle?

[Leojax]

So I moved to WA four years ago. I came home (east coast) because of covid back in May and I ran into a woman I dated years ago. When I saw her again it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. Our attraction to one another is off the charts. I told her how I felt like I could tell she was resisting this and was keeping up a wall. I thought I was going to be going back to WA in July but things changed so I’m still here now. To be honest I can’t even tell how she feels about me, or if she even does have romantic feelings. For example I called her on FaceTime when she had the day off and she didn’t call me back until a day later or she’ll reply back like 4 or 5 hours later. Anyways, a few days ago we were kissing and things got hot and heavy and she stops me. She says, “sometimes I feel like we’re friends other times I don’t know. So what is this?”. 

Okay, so back story. I live in my car and I planned on just driving my way all around the country and just landing back in WA eventually (I love to travel and really miss being in WA). I’ll be in the area temporarily for the next few months for a project. So all in all I have no idea where I’ll be in a few months.

So my question is, is it worth pursuing something when you have no idea where you’ll be in the next few months/lack stability in your life?

[Mystery4u]

Off course it is. If the love is strong enough then all the other stuff really doesn't matter, a committed couple make it work regardless.

[Leojax]

3 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Off course it is. If the love is strong enough then all the other stuff really doesn't matter, a committed couple make it work regardless.

But we’re not together and I’m not even sure she has feelings for me. 

[rjc149]

A committed, long-term relationship? No, it's not worth pursuing at this current phase of your life. 

The back story you gave shed no light on your previous relationship with this girl, which is going to have significant ramifications on how she sees you now. Her interest seems to wax and wane. Pretty tough to offer insight with the info provided. 

[Leojax]

7 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

A committed, long-term relationship? No, it's not worth pursuing at this current phase of your life. 

The back story you gave shed no light on your previous relationship with this girl, which is going to have significant ramifications on how she sees you now. Her interest seems to wax and wane. Pretty tough to offer insight with the info provided. 

She and I dated about 4 years ago. We fell for each other then she got freaked out and randomly broke up with me. She apologized for it weeks later saying she got scared but it just really tarnished things for me for her to just end things so callously with me. I hate do admit this part but I kind of ghosted her. When we reconnected that was the first thing I did-apologized to her. So that’s the back story of us in a nutshell. Does this offer a little more insight? 
 

So playing devils advocate here, why exactly don’t you think it’s a good idea to purse a committed relationship? 

[Mystery4u]

17 minutes ago, Leojax said:

But we’re not together and I’m not even sure she has feelings for me. 

That's a separate issue. You asked is it worth to pursue. By pursuing you find out if she has feelings or not. What do you have to lose?

[rjc149]

7 minutes ago, Leojax said:

She and I dated about 4 years ago. We fell for each other then she got freaked out and randomly broke up with me. She apologized for it weeks later saying she got scared but it just really tarnished things for me for her to just end things so callously with me. I hate do admit this part but I kind of ghosted her. When we reconnected that was the first thing I did-apologized to her. So that’s the back story of us in a nutshell. Does this offer a little more insight? 
 

So playing devils advocate here, why exactly don’t you think it’s a good idea to purse a committed relationship? 

Hmm you ghosting her may explain the Facetime/text blow-offs. 

Also, it's not really ghosting if you do it to someone who dumped you. It's going no contact and moving on. 

So, this is a girl who gets scared of relationships, feelings, closeness. She sounds like she has an avoidant attachment style. 

I don't think it's a constructive endeavor for a nomad living out of his car to be pursuing stable, committed relationships until he decides to settle down. And in general I don't think it's wise to have long-distance relationships period. They're not really relationships, and they tend to end one way. 

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, Leojax said:

She says, “sometimes I feel like we’re friends other times I don’t know. So what is this?”. 

How did you respond to the question?

Quote

So my question is, is it worth pursuing something when you have no idea where you’ll be in the next few months/lack stability in your life?

If I was her, I would say "Go and have fun.  If we're both single when you return, perhaps we can see if there's something worth pursuing"

So, I guess my answer is: At this point in time, it's not worth pursuing.

Edited August 25, 2020 by basil67

[Leojax]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How did you respond to the question?

If I was her, I would say "Go and have fun.  If we're both single when you return, perhaps we can see if there's something worth pursuing"

So, I guess my answer is: At this point in time, it's not worth pursuing.

I told her that we’re not friends.

why exactly don’t you think it’s worth pursuing?

[basil67]

Because you're wanting her to wait on hold for you while you go off travelling.  What kind of relationship is this to offer?

You told her that you're not friends....did you say anything else?   

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Leojax said:

. I live in my car and I planned on just driving my way all around the country and just landing back in WA eventually.

She seems ok with catching up as friends but many women don't want to deal with a moving target.

Where do you shower? Are you staying with family? Are you looking for short term relationships as a sort of free BNB?

Do you work? Maybe focus on getting your act together rather than trying to date.

Edited August 25, 2020 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

Wiseman2 raises a good point about stability.   If I was her, another part of the equation would be how you ended up living in your car.  And how employable you are.  And what kind of assets you have.   And before anyone thinks it's all about money, I would also recommend that a guy not settle with a woman who hasn't got her life together.

How old are you Leojax?

[d0nnivain]

You can try to pursue a relationship with this woman.  Maybe it will make you want to stay.  Maybe she will want to go with you. She can always decline on the grounds that you are not stable or stationary enough  

My concern is that you live in your car.  I'm really not following why you traveled from WA to the east coast without adequate shelter in a pandemic.  

[amerikajin]

I think the ladies are telling you what you need to hear: women will see you as 'unstable.' They're not 'wrong' for coming to this conclusion; that's just the world in which women live. Women have a biologically-driven need for security and living out of a car and vagabonding ain't they're idea of it.

I've been in relationships in which I was financially unstable, and it's no fun for anyone - man or woman.

[poppyfields]

Hi Leojax, I have a bit of a different take.

Some women, assuming they're attracted to you and I don't mean just looks, but your energy, your essence, might view you as an adventurous risk taker, a non-conformist, not bound by the conventions of society. 

Speaking personally, I am VERY drawn to these types of men, in fact I myself possess those qualities on some level.

Spent a year traveling around Europe with no itinerary, finding odd jobs where I could (stomping grapes on the island of Crete for a few months) and spent another six months traveling around the USA.

In Europe, often slept on trains and while traveling throughout the USA, slept in my car.

I was young, I assume you are young, I don't think you are unstable, just hungry for new adventures and experiences.  Nothing wrong with that. 

You will settle down eventually, but for now, you do you and enjoy life.

If this girl, or any girl, is going to negatively judge you for that, deeming you "unstable," or whatever, then clearly she is not the right girl for you, despite your attraction to her, and would advise you to not pursue in this instance.

Edited August 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[snowboy91]

10 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I've been in relationships in which I was financially unstable, and it's no fun for anyone - man or woman.

As a contrary point - out of the past 10 years of my adult life, only the past 2 months have been financially stable. A need for financial security is one thing, but if it's something that is unreasonable to expect, then other things have to come into play.

In OP's case the issue is less about financial stability and more about lifestyle stability (in a relative sense). If he enjoys the nomadic lifestyle and doesn't know where he's going to be in the near future, that's a major issue for someone looking to plan for their future. But a girl who has the same sense of just seeing where life takes them, may find it easier to relate to you.

As to whether or not it's worth pursuing: if she is someone you just want to return to every now and then, I'd say not - it's possible that she wants to settle with someone and you would just be taking up her time and effort. For someone who wants to share your lifestyle? Sure, see what happens.

[amerikajin]

15 minutes ago, snowboy91 said:

As a contrary point - out of the past 10 years of my adult life, only the past 2 months have been financially stable. A need for financial security is one thing, but if it's something that is unreasonable to expect, then other things have to come into play.

In OP's case the issue is less about financial stability and more about lifestyle stability (in a relative sense). If he enjoys the nomadic lifestyle and doesn't know where he's going to be in the near future, that's a major issue for someone looking to plan for their future. But a girl who has the same sense of just seeing where life takes them, may find it easier to relate to you.

As to whether or not it's worth pursuing: if she is someone you just want to return to every now and then, I'd say not - it's possible that she wants to settle with someone and you would just be taking up her time and effort. For someone who wants to share your lifestyle? Sure, see what happens.

I'm too lazy to Google at the moment but studies have found that financially unstable men are simply less desirable than those who are more stable, which is probably not a surprise. Another study I read indicates that a male losing his job and/or being unable to find steady employment increases the risk of divorce by 30-40%. That's in the US anyway, but perhaps it's not quite so bad in countries with a stronger social safety net.

In my experience, all of this is true. As a guy, having an unsteady work situation hurts the male ego and undermines our self-image as providers. At the same time, it also makes women feel less secure. So even if the guy isn't feeling all that bad about himself, there is only so much vagabonding a self-respecting woman (who may eventually want children and a stable environment) will tolerate.

It's just a cold, hard fact: women want security.

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

It's just a cold, hard fact: women want security.

Wondering if you read my post. Lots of women just like me too, same attitude, same free-spirited mindset.

Agree that statistically, women seek financial security - eventually.  When they are ready to settle down and live a more conventional lifestyle. 

But till then, men like Leojax can be quite attractive. exciting and appealing, for the reasons stated in my post. 

I'm not sure if this particular girl feels that way though, and therein lies the problem.

Edited August 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

The lady in Q finds the OP attractive.  They dated in the past.  The OP describes their attraction as "off the charts".  However she is holding back. 

At this point she probably doesn't know where you stand, Loejax.  You already left her once to chase your wanderlust.  She probably doesn't want that again so you need to talk to her about her expectations & you have some soul searching to do.  Is she worth putting down roots for?   

[smackie9]

It's not worth pursing her because this woman wants stability. As soon as you tell her you have no plans, and going to drift your way back to WA, she's gonna say, "well it was nice catching up." I know this, you know this, we all know this is going to be your end result anyways. Obviously she isn't enough for you to want to settle down with her on the east coast.

Edited August 25, 2020 by smackie9

[kendahke]

Perhaps not with her, but with another woman who is into the nomad lifestyle.  There are a lot of people who are living on the road, traveling from one place to another and from what I've seen on YouTube, there are a lot of single women out there doing it.  Some people are in cars, some in vans, some in Class b/c RV's, etc.

This particular woman may not be down for a nomad living in his car, but that's not to say there's not some young woman doing exactly what you're doing who would be a much better choice to enter into something more long term with.

From what you've written about her, I don't think she's all that interested. Have you told her you're living in your car?

[amerikajin]

36 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Wondering if you read my post. Lots of women just like me too, same attitude, same free-spirited mindset.

Agree that statistically, women seek financial security - eventually.  When they are ready to settle down and live a more conventional lifestyle. 

But till then, men like Leojax can be quite attractive. exciting and appealing, for the reasons stated in my post. 

I'm not sure if this particular girl feels that way though, and therein lies the problem.

When I say "women," I'm not referring to 100% of them. Women are individuals of course.

[fly_five]

40 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's not worth pursing her because this woman wants stability. As soon as you tell her you have no plans, and going to drift your way back to WA, she's gonna say, "well it was nice catching up." I know this, you know this, we all know this is going to be your end result anyways. Obviously she isn't enough for you to want to settle down with her on the east coast.

Why would he make roots with someone who isn’t crazy about him that he’s been casually seeing/been friends with for a few months?? That doesn’t make sense and would be dumb on OPs part. I don’t see this as “she isn’t enough for you” issue, rather it just doesn’t make sense to. 

[Leojax]

53 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Perhaps not with her, but with another woman who is into the nomad lifestyle.  There are a lot of people who are living on the road, traveling from one place to another and from what I've seen on YouTube, there are a lot of single women out there doing it.  Some people are in cars, some in vans, some in Class b/c RV's, etc.

This particular woman may not be down for a nomad living in his car, but that's not to say there's not some young woman doing exactly what you're doing who would be a much better choice to enter into something more long term with.

From what you've written about her, I don't think she's all that interested. Have you told her you're living in your car?

She knows. 
I’ve lived in my car the past 2 years.

[Leojax]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You can try to pursue a relationship with this woman.  Maybe it will make you want to stay.  Maybe she will want to go with you. She can always decline on the grounds that you are not stable or stationary enough  

My concern is that you live in your car.  I'm really not following why you traveled from WA to the east coast without adequate shelter in a pandemic.  

I’m staring with my parents right now. I’ve lived in my car the past couple of years. I’m out there pursuing my career. I moved to Ca to pursue film and have been back and forth between there and WA. 
 

im not sure who asked but I’m 35.