ohso Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 My female friend just started dating a guy. She introduced me to him and we all started hanging out. I was happy for her and I thought the guy was great for her. Guy started telling me things like I am better than her in front of her, but I didn't read too much into it and took it as a joke. Then he wanted they go to my place, but I didn't want to. I know my friend isn't into threesomes so it wasn't about that. i assumed he wanted to hang out. Then the guy texted me how I should have asked him to help me with my moving, like an excuse so he could leave her while we were all hanging out. I'm rusty in dating. I'm not interested in him. I don't want trouble. Is he hitting on me or what? Should I say something to my friend?
healing light Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Yes, it sounds like he's going out of his way to be in front of your face. Every time he does that, I would retort with something mentioning her in it or assuming she's invited along. For instance, when he says comments about the move, tell him, "It's okay, I wouldn't want to inconvenience you and [friend]. I'm sure you guys have something more fun to do together than lift boxes!" I would try this technique first before I let your friend know you think he's hitting on you since you don't know this guy well enough or what he's capable of yet. Hopefully he gets the hint and backs off. If he doesn't, then I would pull your friend aside and show her the convo that is making you feel uncomfortable as a heads up. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 He's a cad. Tell her everything he says to you. Warn her that he's not a good guy but don't come out & tell her to dump him. Meanwhile never be alone with him. 4
Physx Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 I pretty much agree with everything said in here so far in that yes, he is flirting. As far as telling her, my suggestion is catch him red handed with proof first. DO NOT flirt, but flat out ask him why he wants to come over so bad, or something along those lines that opens it up for him to tell you his true intentions. That way, when you tell your friend, he can't deny it, because you'll have concrete evidence of what his intentions are. If you don't do that first, there's a VERY good chance he will become a wedge between you and your friend, as he will most assuredly deny it. Then, it can drag on until she sees through his act with another woman later on, which could take a LONG time. Don't risk your friendship for him - catch him red-handed with a text stating his intentions first. But again, DO NOT flirt to try and catch him reciprocating or it could backfire on you. Let HIM do the flirting by you opening the door for him to do so, then bring it to your friend. If she still stays with him after, then at least you know you did what you could to warn her. Good luck. 1
healing light Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 4 hours ago, Physx said: when you tell your friend, he can't deny it, because you'll have concrete evidence of what his intentions are. If you don't do that first, there's a VERY good chance he will become a wedge between you and your friend, as he will most assuredly deny it. Exactly my thoughts. If she tells her friend too prematurely and/or without evidence, he could flip it on her and potentially ruin their friendship depending on how into him or how easily swayed she is. 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 7 hours ago, ohso said: we all started hanging out Stop hanging out with them . Hang out with your own BF and other friends. At best you're a third wheel in this. Ignore him. Find a guy of your own to date. 2
schlumpy Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 This is a "shoot the messenger" scenario so I think you have to create a situation with your friend where she asks you what's going on. You could easily do this by refusing to be with your friend when she is with her boyfriend. If he shows up suddenly then you leave. If you are forced to endure his presence because you two bumped in to him while out and about then maintain an aloofness and no eye contact. You GF will get the message and eventually ask. What you tell her is up to you but you will need good evidence otherwise it will be put off to jealousy. Don't rely on the strength of your friendship when your best friend is in the fog of love. This is his fault for creating this situation so affix the blame firmly where it belongs. I'm sorry you have to make the effort but if he's hitting on you, he's hitting on others.
kamani Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 12 hours ago, ohso said: I'm rusty in dating. May be he senses this. May be he is a player and thinks that he can get some sex from you. I would not talk to my friend about this guy yet. Some girls are so dumb when it comes to love and would deny everything. It depends on your friend and she might think you are jealous of her. Just stay away from them, stop hanging out with them and stop phone conversations and texting with this man. Time will say.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 He sounds like a creep. Yes, I would let her know what he's up to; I would simply show her the messages he sends you and let her do what she may with that information.
stillafool Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 I'm still wondering how he got OP's phone number because without it there would be no texting. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) Unfortunately you don't seem like a good friend if you are giving this guy your number and texting with him. You seem to want to hear that he's into you so you can tell your friend he came onto you, just to stir up a little drama. Edited August 25, 2020 by Wiseman2 1
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 Stillafool -- some social media platforms allow texting & calls. . . e.g. messenger in FB 1
Velvet teddy Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, ohso said: My female friend just started dating a guy. She introduced me to him and we all started hanging out. I was happy for her and I thought the guy was great for her. Guy started telling me things like I am better than her in front of her, but I didn't read too much into it and took it as a joke. Then he wanted they go to my place, but I didn't want to. I know my friend isn't into threesomes so it wasn't about that. i assumed he wanted to hang out. Then the guy texted me how I should have asked him to help me with my moving, like an excuse so he could leave her while we were all hanging out. I'm rusty in dating. I'm not interested in him. I don't want trouble. Is he hitting on me or what? Should I say something to my friend? Yeah he's hitting on you. Same thing happened to me once. I didn't even do anything with the guy, he kept asking to meet me behind her back. And he cooled things off with her and she didnt understand why, it got her really frustrated. My friend stopped speaking to me for half a year. I would be very careful here. I second others when i say you shouldn't even be texting the guy. Edited August 25, 2020 by Velvet teddy
kendahke Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, ohso said: Should I say something to my friend? Do you like your friend or are you two frenemies? That will inform what you will do next. First off, why did you give him your phone number? Did your friend know you did that? Being "rusty at dating" has nothing to do with knowing how to shut down inappropriate behavior... the longer you stall, not checking him, the longer it looks like you're complicit and encouraging it. If I was you, I'd show your friend the texts he's been sending you. Stop hanging out with the both of them. Block his number from your phone Edited August 25, 2020 by kendahke 2
kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 Flat out ignore him and don't hang out with the two of them anymore. There's a good chance she'll blame you if she finds out you're talking to him behind her back, even if he's the only one saying inappropriate things. Even though it's not completely fair, continuing to talk to him when you know he's crossing lines is just egging him on. 3
Physx Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 10 hours ago, schlumpy said: This is a "shoot the messenger" scenario so I think you have to create a situation with your friend where she asks you what's going on. You could easily do this by refusing to be with your friend when she is with her boyfriend. If he shows up suddenly then you leave. If you are forced to endure his presence because you two bumped in to him while out and about then maintain an aloofness and no eye contact. I agree with pretty much everything you said here except the whole "refusing to be with your friend when she is with her boyfriend" part. That's playing games with her friend rather than being straight-forward with her. Absolutely get the proof first, but no games like that. Number one, her friend could interpret that in any number of ways. She could start thinking that she is jealous of her boyfriend and leaving because of that. She could start wondering if she is leaving out of guilt for something going on with her boyfriend, particularly if she is already aware (or has suspicions of) her boyfriend having an interest in her. There are multiple other negative interpretations she could have too. Number two, by her not talking about the matter and playing games by leaving like that, it leaves it open for the boyfriend to explain it to her friend. Considering he's clearly shady, that is a really bad idea to leave that ball in his court. Gives him more opportunity to manipulate the situation, which given what we know of him so far, I can pretty much guarantee he would do. No games. Get proof, show the friend proof, then you've done your part. 1
Haerts Posted August 26, 2020 Posted August 26, 2020 Well, that's some shady behaviour. But you don't have much in your hands right now, so I agree with who said you should try to get more proof (without being flirty). Plus, they just started dating so there's a higher chance he's indeed hitting on you.
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