do I Say Something or Let it Go?

[emmab219]

On 8/24/2020 at 11:01 PM, Watercolors said:

Thank you Timshel! 

I was trying to say exactly what you said; that for some reason, emma has kept this guy on her social media because she enjoys the attention he gives her, despite their 3 dates over 3 months going nowhere (for her, at least). That's why I said I thought her actions were irresponsible -- because they indicate that she needs "fans" on her social media (like many people tend to do these days, when they add EVERYONE they ever came into contact with regardless of the context of their interaction). 

That she treats this guy like a social "fan" (not friend since she doesn't initiate communication with him, but instead purportedly receives drunken late night instant messages from him to her social media over the past few months since she rejected him). This is what confounds me about the way some people use social media as a way to build their insta influencer presence or Facebook presence by adding everyone they ever came into contact with in real life, regardless of their real life context with each other. 

She isn't doing this poor guy any favors, keeping him strung along the way she is (and refuses to acknowledge) by not deleting/blocking him from her social media. He can't move on from her rejection, because she won't let him. Now, after months of receiving his late night drunk messages, she's wondering what to do?

Befuddlement. Just pure befuddlement on my part. 

Dude you don’t even know me, and this is such an unkind thing. No I don’t enjoy the attention or the drama. I’m 31 years old, for crying out loud. And the messages he sends once in a while we’re not pining. It was on snapchat so it seemed like something he would send everyone about what he’s doing or what song he is listening to. When we first broke up he sent me a sad message that I ignored, yes. I certainly don’t post enough for him to be a social fan. I’m not over here trying to be like a social media star or something. 

He’s sent me the middle of the night drunken message a few times but this was like the first time where I felt really like lines were crossed. It’s been a while since he’s done one of those. 

We were friends before. Hence why I did not immediately delete him. It’s an awkward space. Why is it my fault if he was still watching my content?? I do not enjoy drama, I do not enjoy attention. I’ve deleted him now so it’s fine. I just honestly can’t believe this post blew up like this and people are being so hostile about it.

I also feel it’s not responsibly to worry about whether or not someone is following me. It’s not my problem. I’m friends on social media with other men I’ve dated and it’s never been an issue, and we’re friendly with each other. I’m even very good friends with a man I met on Tinder and his new girlfriend. This is just crazy lol it’s done now anyways and I’m signing off this site for a while. 

Edited August 28, 2020 by emmab219

[emmab219]

On 8/25/2020 at 12:14 PM, Velvet teddy said:

She ASSUMED he was drunk we dont know this for a fact.

Hes looking at her social media. People look at other people's social media. That's the whole  point? Probably even more so if they have strong feelings for the person. Which this guy clearly does. 

Anyway my point only was. Set him straight  once more, in a polite but firm way and then block him for good. 

 

 

 

I don’t doubt he was considering he had a DUI and part of the reason I ended things was because he was a heavy drinker. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

. I just honestly can’t believe this post blew up like this and people are being so hostile about it.

Agree. Some devil's advocates decided to derail and hijack the thread.

It stopped being about advice pages ago 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

I just honestly can’t believe this post blew up like this and people are being so hostile about it.

I agree. 

It's not the huge deal some are turning it into. 

[emmab219]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree. 

It's not the huge deal some are turning it into. 

All I wanted to know was whether or not I should respond or ignore lol. I didn’t think it was a huge deal either. Hence why I didn’t even come back to check this for so many days. I did delete him, so that takes care of that. I agree maybe I should have done it sooner but I don’t pay that much attention to my social media to think that much about it. 
 

I once got dumped by a man a really likes and was super upset. I watched his socials and followed his posts but never once did I think he was posting things to get my attention. In the end I realized I was making myself miserable so I deleted him and moved on. Didn’t send him sad messages or anything so I guess I assumed most people would manage their own feelings and do the same. It’s an awkward place to be in when you go from being friends to dating to nothing but are unsure if you really need to unfriend them from everything. As I said I’m social media friends with plenty of old dates. Some of which I had more than three dates with. 
 

Anyways I feel like this got way out of hand and I really don’t like how toxic it was. I feel like a lot of assumptions were made about the type of person I am by people who don’t know me, and even more assumptions about this man I dated and the whole situation. I’m sorry I even posted it. 
 

Hope everyone has a good weekend and we can forget about this thread lol Thanks to those who were rational and gave me good advice. 

[Wiseman2]

You're welcome

[Watercolors]

7 hours ago, emmab219 said:

All I wanted to know was whether or not I should respond or ignore lol. I didn’t think it was a huge deal either. Hence why I didn’t even come back to check this for so many days. I did delete him, so that takes care of that. I agree maybe I should have done it sooner but I don’t pay that much attention to my social media to think that much about it. 
 

I once got dumped by a man a really likes and was super upset. I watched his socials and followed his posts but never once did I think he was posting things to get my attention. In the end I realized I was making myself miserable so I deleted him and moved on. Didn’t send him sad messages or anything so I guess I assumed most people would manage their own feelings and do the same. It’s an awkward place to be in when you go from being friends to dating to nothing but are unsure if you really need to unfriend them from everything. As I said I’m social media friends with plenty of old dates. Some of which I had more than three dates with. 
 

Anyways I feel like this got way out of hand and I really don’t like how toxic it was. I feel like a lot of assumptions were made about the type of person I am by people who don’t know me, and even more assumptions about this man I dated and the whole situation. I’m sorry I even posted it. 
 

Hope everyone has a good weekend and we can forget about this thread lol Thanks to those who were rational and gave me good advice. 

Oh well if you don't pay that much attention to your social media then why did you post asking us for advice on how to handle your drunk friend's late night messages to you? Clearly, you had it all under control from the start, right?! 

[Velvet teddy]

On 8/27/2020 at 1:11 PM, Allupinnit said:

Well first of all they weren't bf/gf - they only went out a few times.  

And what if she was to be honest and tell him "why" he wasn't right for her?  He had an annoying laugh?  He smelled badly?  His jokes were off-color?   IME that only invited an argument from the rejected party.  It could be simply a feeling you have that you can't put your finger on.  

This isn't about anyone needing a word of kindness nor anything else of that nature (and LOL at the comparison to a beggar on the STREET)- it's not like she cut him off in traffic, she just determined he wasn't right for her as a partner and told him so.  Rejection sucks, we've all been there, but I can't remember a time where my moving on was as a result of reaching out months later to ask the dude WHY.  It doesn't matter why.  How embarrassing.

 

You do lack empathy though. I agree with salparadise. 

[emmab219]

6 hours ago, Watercolors said:

Oh well if you don't pay that much attention to your social media then why did you post asking us for advice on how to handle your drunk friend's late night messages to you? Clearly, you had it all under control from the start, right?! 

What is wrong with you? Lol 

It’s hard to ignore when it comes in as a direct message. That’s a little more in your face than just him leaving a “like”. 

All I wanted to know was if it warranted a reply or to ignore. Jesus Christ. This site is so toxic.

 

 

[emmab219]

38 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

You do lack empathy though. I agree with salparadise. 

I don’t think so. 

We had three dates three months ago. I feel I was empathetic when I broke up with him instead of stringing him along. It is not my job to hold his hand while he works through his feelings. 

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, emmab219 said:

I don’t think so. 

We had three dates three months ago. I feel I was empathetic when I broke up with him instead of stringing him along. It is not my job to hold his hand while he works through his feelings. 

Why feel angry though?

Hes obviously caught up in his feelings. Hes the one who got dumped? Yet you feel anger towards him?

Instead of sending him a nice polite message, you make a whole thread about this.

My advice is send him one last message. And then be on your way. There's no harm in doing so.

I've been in your position before. And I've  treated them as human beings and understand how difficult it can be being rejected. 

Edited August 29, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, emmab219 said:

I don’t think so. 

We had three dates three months ago. I feel I was empathetic when I broke up with him instead of stringing him along. It is not my job to hold his hand while he works through his feelings. 

Oh shoot nevermind.  I screwed up.  

Edited August 29, 2020 by poppyfields

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, emmab219 said:

What is wrong with you? Lol 

It’s hard to ignore when it comes in as a direct message. That’s a little more in your face than just him leaving a “like”. 

All I wanted to know was if it warranted a reply or to ignore. Jesus Christ. This site is so toxic.

 

 

Nothing. I'm just confused by your OP vs. everything you've posted since. Had you included all of that info in your OP, well, I imagine you'd have a much different response (at least from me) here. You did not elude to just how well you know this guy, in your OP. You described him as someone you barely knew and went on 3 dates with. Yet, it turns out, you knew of his alcoholism and the fact that he has a DUI already, when you went on 3 dates with him. That completely changes the context of your thread/situation. You knew about his problems yet you went out with him 3 times. Then you act haughty when confronted with your cold response, yet you later claim that you add all of your ex-boyfriends as 'friends' on your Insta, etc. and never had a problem with any of those guys like you have had with this guy. 

This site isn't toxic. But, if you want answers to questions, the more honest you can be in your OP upfront, vs. revealing the truth later on, the more accurately people can respond because they have the whole picture. The more info you leave out, the less likely you are to get responses that help you. We don't know what you know. That's all. 

[Acacia98]

Ultimately, methinks that somebody whose drinking is out of control but doesn't have the sense to realize it could put dates and others in general off has bigger problems than being ignored by a 3-time date. Sure enough, there's an update that mentions a DUI.

Edited August 29, 2020 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

17 hours ago, emmab219 said:

Anyways I feel like this got way out of hand and I really don’t like how toxic it was. I feel like a lot of assumptions were made about the type of person I am by people who don’t know me, and even more assumptions about this man I dated and the whole situation. I’m sorry I even posted it. 

Unfortunately, you left some important contextual information out. When that happens, people tend to fill in the blanks based on their personal experiences or their imaginations. It's the norm on discussion boards. So don't take it personally. Just take the useful bits, learn some lessons from them, and use them to inform your future decisions.

[salparadise]

Setting aside the assorted details, few of which are relevant anyway... what I don't get is why there is presumed antagonism after dating doesn't work out. It might be somewhat understandable for someone who took a hard rejection on the chin, but such is not the case here. No betrayal or deception, yet OP and numerous hard-liners seem to believe by default that there should be some kind of inherent animosity.

I've dated a bunch of women in the last 10 years, and I've been on both sides of the ending circumstances, and I can honestly say there was only one in which there seemed to be hard feelings. And in that instance it was she who was antagonistic first. I actually never said an unkind word to her even though she would've deserved it. In every other situation everyone on both sides behaved like empathetic adult human beings... and I'd take any of their calls, or respond to texts, without thinking twice. 

I think this is what it boils down to... presumed antagonism, which I don't understand.

Edited August 29, 2020 by salparadise

[amerikajin]

17 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Setting aside the assorted details, few of which are relevant anyway... what I don't get is why there is presumed antagonism after dating doesn't work out. It might be somewhat understandable for someone who took a hard rejection on the chin, but such is not the case here. No betrayal or deception, yet OP and numerous hard-liners seem to believe by default that there should be some kind of inherent animosity.

I've dated a bunch of women in the last 10 years, and I've been on both sides of the ending circumstances, and I can honestly say there was only one in which there seemed to be hard feelings. And in that instance it was she who was antagonistic first. I actually never said an unkind word to her even though she would've deserved it. In every other situation everyone on both sides behaved like empathetic adult human beings... and I'd take any of their calls, or respond to texts, without thinking twice. 

I think this is what it boils down to... presumed antagonism, which I don't understand.

Ending things like adults requires behaving like an adult. I think the OP's saying that her friend sometimes behaved in ways that weren't really adult-like, such as getting intoxicated. Again, her assumptions are based on what she knows about the OP. She's in a better position to judge that than you or any of us are. She went with her instincts.

Yes, it's possible that her instincts were wrong, but I think the majority of people here have seen a guy who can't take a hint and who makes things cringe-worthy uncomfortable for both him and the woman involved. It's not a fun situation. If it's a light case of cringe, it probably ends with a drunken text and nothing more, but there are cases that turn into full-blown stalking and harassment, and it's better to play it safe. In my experience, and I think others will agree, it's better not to open that door and to not let that foot get in the doorway.

[Allupinnit]

TIL that it's rude to ignore a guy who gets drunk and sends you sad messages months after politely breaking up with him.

[CaliforniaGirl]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

Setting aside the assorted details, few of which are relevant anyway... what I don't get is why there is presumed antagonism after dating doesn't work out. It might be somewhat understandable for someone who took a hard rejection on the chin, but such is not the case here. No betrayal or deception, yet OP and numerous hard-liners seem to believe by default that there should be some kind of inherent animosity.

I've dated a bunch of women in the last 10 years, and I've been on both sides of the ending circumstances, and I can honestly say there was only one in which there seemed to be hard feelings. And in that instance it was she who was antagonistic first. I actually never said an unkind word to her even though she would've deserved it. In every other situation everyone on both sides behaved like empathetic adult human beings... and I'd take any of their calls, or respond to texts, without thinking twice. 

I think this is what it boils down to... presumed antagonism, which I don't understand.

I think this is what some of us are confused about. The first post had some pretty strong emotions for just one lonely late-night dial. She said she was angry, used all caps at one point and so on. And just the act of going out of one's way to create a whole post about it seems to illustrate that somehow this is a big deal for her. Especially the way it was worded...not just like, "man, here's something weird...hey...anybody else have this happen..." Or whatever.

Now the story has changed to: no, he's done this before, this is just the one that "crossed the line.." he's had DUIs... and it's changed from "why would a guy reach out months after" as if it were sudden, to "well, he's been reaching out randomly all along..."I mean. What the heck??? We can only know what we read on here. Nobody here is psychic. A person's word is literally all we have to go on. And those words are kind of being meted out. We're supposed to have all guessed in advance what a horrible person and mess this guy is...and on and on...

The OP thought that one call was a big enough concern for her to post about, not know what to do about, and even be angry about...so the answers matched that degree of upset...and now we're derailing? Yeah, you're welcome for reaching out for input and then getting it. What the what...

Do what you want, OP.

Edited August 29, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl