do I Say Something or Let it Go?

[rjc149]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Indeed creepy as hell. 

There is actually a demographic, usually younger people, who feel that 90% of the world's population is creepy. 

[amerikajin]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Wise, I assume you're a bit older but can you reflect back to when you were young, a bit unsure of yourself, insecure, drank a bit too much at times, and texted an old flame asking what might be considered a needy question? 

I think we've all done it, and agree some might consider it "creepy" depending on context. 

In this instance, I would not find it creepy but sad.

Heck I'm not even the one who dated him, and my heart broke for him when reading his message.

But then again, some of us have hearts bigger than others, or maybe we're saps, but imo better to err on the side of kindness than apathy.

I can honestly say I never actually reached out like that. Yes I got drunk and melancholy, and yes I wondered "Why, oh, why?" But no, I knew boundaries, and I never assumed that I had the right to make someone else feel uncomfortable just because I was feeling rejected.

[Watercolors]

On 8/25/2020 at 10:16 AM, poppyfields said:

Wise, I assume you're a bit older but can you reflect back to when you were young, a bit unsure of yourself, insecure, drank a bit too much at times, and texted an old flame asking what might be considered a needy question? 

I think we've all done it, and agree some might consider it "creepy" depending on context. 

In this instance, I would not find it creepy but sad.

Heck I'm not even the one who dated him, and my heart broke for him when reading his message.

But then again, some of us have hearts bigger than others, or maybe we're saps, but imo better to err on the side of kindness than apathy.

No one who has ANY common sense is going to hold their dumpee's hand through his/her feelings of post-rejection for months on end.

It is not icy or cruel to block/delete anyone who you have rejected. It is not normal for this guy to be on emma's social media AFTER she dumped him. Clearly, emma has a problem with setting boundaries, or she just doesn't give a darn who's on her insta b/c she's a social influencer or whatever.

Emma's 'compassion' excuse just doesn't fly with me as a real answer. Because nobody would keep someone on their social media unless they were getting something from that person as a source of attention. Just like, if you keep texting with someone you dumped, or who dumped you...that is really dysfunctional behavior because there's no closure for the person who was dumped because their dumper is stringing them along with text messages. It's just not good dating behavior. 

I'm just really shocked that you are defending this desperate, drunkard guy who can't take emma's "no" for an answer. His behavior - sending her random, drunk messages on her insta, and asking her for more closure is both creepy and a sign he's really insecure and desperate. Does that mean he needs an emotional babysitter by emma afterward? No. It means that he probably needs a 28-day treatment center, a dating coach, and a good therapist. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.

[Velvet teddy]

53 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I think there's a difference between blocking someone with whom you've had a long connection and blocking someone with whom the connection has been limited and then drunk posts demanding to know why he got rejected. There's a difference between wanting answers when there's shared connection and shared history, and wanting answers when you're just searching.

Look, I know of absolutely nobody who wants to hear "You're just not that attractive to me," but unfortunately, "I like you as a friend" is about as close and as diplomatic as one can put it, and if someone can't take the hint, then they need to get a friggin clue - they can be like the rest of us clueless blokes and read up on some dating advice websites or something to up their game a little. I say this as someone who's been rejected numerous times. Yes, I wanted to know, too, but I knew it was stupid to ask. You just gotta accept that she just ain't into you. It's obvious. Take your licks and move on, and figure out how to be more attractive.

ETA: I just re-read the OP and saw that she was getting random responses to her social media stories. Sorry but that's just downright creepy as f---. The OP doesn't owe him shyte.

But she could have blocked him earlier if she wanted. That's not the guys fault is it.

One last simple message to say they're  incompatible is not the end of the world. 

 

[amerikajin]

2 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

But she could have blocked him earlier if she wanted. That's not the guys fault is it.

One last simple message to say they're  incompatible is not the end of the world. 

 

Right, she didn't block him earlier because she assumed that he would be mentally well-adjusted enough not to stalk her online and make her feel uncomfortable by sending her drunken guilt-tripping messages.

But somehow that's her fault for not having the intuition and prescience to know that this is what guys do when they get rejected? What the actual f----?

[Velvet teddy]

On 8/25/2020 at 10:53 AM, Watercolors said:

No one who has ANY common sense is going to hold their dumpee's hand through his/her feelings of post-rejection for months on end.

It is not icy or cruel to block/delete anyone who you have rejected. It is not normal for this guy to be on emma's social media AFTER she dumped him. Clearly, emma has a problem with setting boundaries, or she just doesn't give a darn who's on her insta b/c she's a social influencer or whatever.

Emma's 'compassion' excuse just doesn't fly with me as a real answer. Because nobody would keep someone on their social media unless they were getting something from that person as a source of attention. Just like, if you keep texting with someone you dumped, or who dumped you...that is really dysfunctional behavior because there's no closure for the person who was dumped because their dumper is stringing them along with text messages. It's just not good dating behavior. 

I'm just really shocked that you are defending this desperate, drunkard guy who can't take emma's "no" for an answer. His behavior - sending her random, drunk messages on her insta, and asking her for more closure is both creepy and a sign he's really insecure and desperate. Does that mean he needs an emotional babysitter by emma afterward? No. It means that he probably needs a 28-day treatment center, a dating coach, and a good therapist. 

People are entitled to their feelings. 

But it was her responsibility to completely cut off all contact, since she felt "angry" or feels "angry" now or whatever. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted personal attack.

[Velvet teddy]

4 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Right, she didn't block him earlier because she assumed that he would be mentally well-adjusted enough not to stalk her online and make her feel uncomfortable by sending her drunken guilt-tripping messages.

But somehow that's her fault for not having the intuition and prescience to know that this is what guys do when they get rejected? What the actual f----?

She ASSUMED he was drunk we dont know this for a fact.

Hes looking at her social media. People look at other people's social media. That's the whole  point? Probably even more so if they have strong feelings for the person. Which this guy clearly does. 

Anyway my point only was. Set him straight  once more, in a polite but firm way and then block him for good. 

 

 

 

[amerikajin]

I think people are projecting their own experiences in this thread, which is what people do ina  lot of these threads. A lot of people relate to the feelings of being dumped or rejected and wondering why, and others relate to the feeling of dumping and feeling bad enough as it is for hurting someone, only to be made to feel even more uncomfortable by someone who can't accept rejection too well.

I can see both sides. I've been on both sides. If the OP's "ex" (if that's even accurate) wanted to be a good sport, he could have written something while sober and just said, "Hey, OP, nice pictures (or story or whatever). Haven't heard from you in a while. Enjoyed spending time with you. Miss seeing you. Was there something I said or did that turned you off? You can be straight with me. I just wanted to know for closure's sake.'

But to be honest, if the OP's "ex" were being really honest, he would have maybe thought deeply about his own behavior. That's key: self-reflection. Ask himself, how many people do I know enjoy hanging out with someone who drinks excessively and tries to push hard for a serious relationship without getting to know someone very well? See that's part of the problem. The OP's ex isn't really self-analyzing; he's just projecting his s*** onto her. I don't blame her for wanting space. Most of us would want the same if we're being honest.

Edited September 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted deleted comment.

[amerikajin]

6 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

She ASSUMED he was drunk we dont know this for a fact.

Hes looking at her social media. People look at other people's social media. That's the whole  point? Probably even more so if they have strong feelings for the person. Which this guy clearly does. 

Anyway my point only was. Set him straight  once more, in a polite but firm way and then block him for good. 

 

 

 

Whether he was or wasn't drunk doesn't matter, though her intuition is probably correct. She knows he drinks at night and has observed his behavior firsthand, and this kind of interaction (even online) reminded her of the times she observed him drunk. I think she's in a good position to judge his behavior. She doesn't need to have a lawyer or cop go to his house and get a blood alcohol reading.

Bottom line is, the OP's 'friend' or 'ex' is engaging in behavior that anyone with some self-reflection and common sense would know is making the OP uncomfortable. And a lot of times, unfortunately, making the dumper feel uncomfortable is a deliberate act by people who are manipulative and psychologically unwell. "I can't have you, so f--- you I'm gonna make you pay by making you feel like whale sh_t.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I think people are projecting their own experiences in this thread, which is what people do ina  lot of these threads. A lot of people relate to the feelings of being dumped or rejected and wondering why, and others relate to the feeling of dumping and feeling bad enough as it is for hurting someone, only to be made to feel even more uncomfortable by someone who can't accept rejection too well.

I can see both sides. I've been on both sides. If the OP's "ex" (if that's even accurate) wanted to be a good sport, he could have written something while sober and just said, "Hey, OP, nice pictures (or story or whatever). Haven't heard from you in a while. Enjoyed spending time with you. Miss seeing you. Was there something I said or did that turned you off? You can be straight with me. I just wanted to know for closure's sake.'

But to be honest, if the OP's "ex" were being really honest, he would have maybe thought deeply about his own behavior. That's key: self-reflection. Ask himself, how many people do I know enjoy hanging out with someone who drinks excessively and tries to push hard for a serious relationship without getting to know someone very well? See that's part of the problem. The OP's ex isn't really self-analyzing; he's just projecting his s*** onto her. I don't blame her for wanting space. Most of us would want the same if we're being honest.

I don't disagree, what I object to are the insults -  suggesting I don't have ANY common sense and the sarcasm - perhaps I should open an orphanage for wayward rejected men?

These were inflammatory comments, rude and unnecessary.

Edited August 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Velvet teddy]

10 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Whether he was or wasn't drunk doesn't matter, though her intuition is probably correct. She knows he drinks at night and has observed his behavior firsthand, and this kind of interaction (even online) reminded her of the times she observed him drunk. I think she's in a good position to judge his behavior. She doesn't need to have a lawyer or cop go to his house and get a blood alcohol reading.

Bottom line is, the OP's 'friend' or 'ex' is engaging in behavior that anyone with some self-reflection and common sense would know is making the OP uncomfortable. And a lot of times, unfortunately, making the dumper feel uncomfortable is a deliberate act by people who are manipulative and psychologically unwell. "I can't have you, so f--- you I'm gonna make you pay by making you feel like whale sh_t.

I personally  think you're  reading way to much into it.

He messaged her once. 

And lets face it, if he was really that terrible  she would probably have put a stop to it ages ago.

She's  feeling angry he reached out properly after a couple of months. 

Therefore  i doubt she is the kind of person who will tolerate "bad" behaviour from anyone.

[amerikajin]

13 minutes ago, Velvet teddy said:

He messaged her once.

This is inaccurate. Go back and re-read the OP.

She said that he sent her random messages on social media in response to her 'stories' - and she ignored him repeatedly (take the hint, buddy).

Finally, after repeatedly not taking the hint, he sends another message in which he whines and asks a loaded question.

You're also skipping over the fact that she already effing told him around the time she ended it that she wasn't feeling strong feelings and didn't want to be pushed into anything.

This guy is basically forcing her to be "mean."

[kismetkismet]

Based on what you've said it sounds like he likes to get drunk and dramatic and reminisce on things that never were.  You don't owe him an explanation beyond what you initially told him, especially when you only dated briefly. 

Don't respond. I've dealt with guys like this before and ANY attention is just going to encourage him. They'll sometimes use their self-pity to manipulate the other person into giving them attention because they can't handle the rejection. If you engage him he may try to get you more involved in his personal drama. I once dated a guy for a few months and then he texted me perpetually for YEARS after. He always just wanted me to console him and worry about him. The only thing that made him stop was when I stopped responding to him entirely. In this case you may need to block him. 

 

[rjc149]

On 8/25/2020 at 10:53 AM, Watercolors said:

No one who has ANY common sense is going to hold their dumpee's hand through his/her feelings of post-rejection for months on end.

It is not icy or cruel to block/delete anyone who you have rejected. It is not normal for this guy to be on emma's social media AFTER she dumped him. Clearly, emma has a problem with setting boundaries, or she just doesn't give a darn who's on her insta b/c she's a social influencer or whatever.

Emma's 'compassion' excuse just doesn't fly with me as a real answer. Because nobody would keep someone on their social media unless they were getting something from that person as a source of attention. Just like, if you keep texting with someone you dumped, or who dumped you...that is really dysfunctional behavior because there's no closure for the person who was dumped because their dumper is stringing them along with text messages. It's just not good dating behavior. 

I'm just really shocked that you are defending this desperate, drunkard guy who can't take emma's "no" for an answer. His behavior - sending her random, drunk messages on her insta, and asking her for more closure is both creepy and a sign he's really insecure and desperate. Does that mean he needs an emotional babysitter by emma afterward? No. It means that he probably needs a 28-day treatment center, a dating coach, and a good therapist. 

At least your exaggeration of issues and overreaction is consistent. 

I don't think anyone suggested that the OP communicate with this guy for months on end to soothe his stung ego. 

My intention was also not demonize anyone (since I'm the one who felt the BDMO advice was cold, so your anger at poppyfields is misdirected in addition to being inappropriate). I'm sorry if you took that as a personal insult. It's just my take on it. 

At this point, the guy simply asked a closure question. Yes it's not socially graceful and yes, it put the OP in an uncomfortable situation. Yes, he's clearly insecure, needy and desperate. It's what got him dumped in the first place. But he's not harassing her or threatening her. So just like, answer his question. Give him a quick, final epilogue and goodbye. Don't treat him like he's been prowling outside her apartment. 

I'm also a little shocked that you're this shocked that some people may feel some compassion for a guy who has been hurt and is clearly clueless about how dating and attraction works. Especially myself, who resembled this guy in my earlier iterations. 

Some people may simply want an answer, some closure, and appreciate the honesty and compassion. Assuming he's a creepy stalker, and treating his as such, is mean.

There's nothing actually wrong with ignoring this guy and blocking him. But why not just show a little empathy for the fact that he's hurt and is having trouble dealing with it, and just answer his question?

 

Edited September 15, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed quoted deleted comment.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, rjc149 said:

At least your exaggeration of issues and overreaction is consistent. 

I don't think anyone suggested that the OP communicate with this guy for months on end to soothe his stung ego. 

My intention was also not demonize anyone (since I'm the one who felt the BDMO advice was cold, so your anger at poppyfields is misdirected in addition to being inappropriate). I'm sorry if you took that as a personal insult. It's just my take on it. 

At this point, the guy simply asked a closure question. Yes it's not socially graceful and yes, it put the OP in an uncomfortable situation. Yes, he's clearly insecure, needy and desperate. It's what got him dumped in the first place. But he's not harassing her or threatening her. So just like, answer his question. Give him a quick, final epilogue and goodbye. Don't treat him like he's been prowling outside her apartment. 

I'm also a little shocked that you're this shocked that some people may feel some compassion for a guy who has been hurt and is clearly clueless about how dating and attraction works. Especially myself, who resembled this guy in my earlier iterations. 

Some people may simply want an answer, some closure, and appreciate the honesty and compassion. Assuming he's a creepy stalker, and treating his as such, is mean.

There's nothing actually wrong with ignoring this guy and blocking him. But why not just show a little empathy for the fact that he's hurt and is having trouble dealing with it, and just answer his question?

 

I'm shocked because I think it's absolutely the wrong thing to do. And my anger at poppyfields and yourself is not inappropriate. I vehemently disagree with you both and the idea that just because you break up with someone you OWE them compassion. Um, no you don't!!

When you tell someone a r/s is over, it's up to THEM to be a grown-up and find a way to cope without your help. They are an adult. It is not the dumper's job to take care of the dumpee's emotional needs after you break up with them.

In general terms, if you go on 3 dates with someone and they can't handle it after you reject them, it's not your job to hold their hand. 

Emma should not keep guys on her social media as active contacts, after she dates and dumps them because it gives the guys false hope that she is still interested in them romantically. And, she already told this guy that she wasn't interested. That's all the closure he needs. But her colossal mistake was keeping him added to her Insta account, where she allowed him to continuously message her randomly, and ask her to explain to him AGAIN why she rejected him. That is a guy who can't handle rejection. He is an adult. It is not emma's job to take care of his emotional problems with romantic rejection. What she should have done, is block and delete him. 

 

[Acacia98]

On 8/24/2020 at 11:09 PM, poppyfields said:

To be ignored and not acknowledged is one of the worst feelings in the world.  To do so while the guy is already down is well, just not a kind thing to do, again jmo.

I've done it when harrassed but his text was a far cry from harrassment.

The guy is being manipulative. That's evident in the way he framed the question and the other details of the situation.

I get the distinct impression that this is the kind of guy who'll take a mile if one gives him an inch. It sounds like misplaced pity got OP into this situation in the first place. She might have been reluctant to block him because she didn't want to kick a guy when he was down. But she should have blocked him from the very beginning.

She made a mistake by not setting firm boundaries before. She should certainly set those boundaries now. I would not encourage her to write anything to him at all. 

[rjc149]

51 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I'm shocked because I think it's absolutely the wrong thing to do. And my anger at poppyfields and yourself is not inappropriate. I vehemently disagree with you both and the idea that just because you break up with someone you OWE them compassion. Um, no you don't!!

When you tell someone a r/s is over, it's up to THEM to be a grown-up and find a way to cope without your help. They are an adult. It is not the dumper's job to take care of the dumpee's emotional needs after you break up with them.

In general terms, if you go on 3 dates with someone and they can't handle it after you reject them, it's not your job to hold their hand. 

Emma should not keep guys on her social media as active contacts, after she dates and dumps them because it gives the guys false hope that she is still interested in them romantically. And, she already told this guy that she wasn't interested. That's all the closure he needs. But her colossal mistake was keeping him added to her Insta account, where she allowed him to continuously message her randomly, and ask her to explain to him AGAIN why she rejected him. That is a guy who can't handle rejection. He is an adult. It is not emma's job to take care of his emotional problems with romantic rejection. What she should have done, is block and delete him. 

 

No one said she owed him compassion, or that she needs to hold his hand, or anything. The suggestion was -- why not extend it to him. What's the harm. 

At first I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt that you simply spoke in hyperbole and superlatives. "Absolutely the wrong thing to do." "Colossal mistake" etc. "Tremendous disaster." "Very, very great." "Billions and billions of dollars." "Everyone agrees, believe me." But no, you're actually pretty triggered about this. 

Again, there's nothing wrong, it's not a mistake, it's not an error, to block and delete a guy who is having trouble with rejection. I'm not saying your advice is invalid. Obviously your reaction here is pretty extreme, but you're not telling Emma to do the incorrect thing. I just personally felt there was an opportunity to make a more empathetic, and possibly helpful, choice. I suggested she make that choice. I think ignoring someone and cutting them off, when they haven't really done anything to warrant it, is cold. 

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by rjc149

[rjc149]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

The guy is being manipulative. That's evident in the way he framed the question and the other details of the situation.

I get the distinct impression that this is the kind of guy who'll take a mile if one gives him an inch. It sounds like misplaced pity got OP into this situation in the first place. She might have been reluctant to block him because she didn't want to kick a guy when he was down. But she should have blocked him from the very beginning.

She made a mistake by not setting firm boundaries before. She should certainly set those boundaries now. I would not encourage her to write anything to him at all. 

Again, I'm not entirely clear on what boundary he's violated. Her privacy? Space? Comfort zone? He sent her a few messages on her social media account. All in all, he's been pretty harmless. Speculating that he will escalate his campaign of surveillance and stalking is paranoid.  

And again, I'm not sure what damaging consequence would arise from answering his question, then block/delete if his reaction indicated, clearly, that he would begin harassing her. 

Respond to the guy. Acknowledge that he exists. Answer succinctly and finally. If he's being manipulative and simply trying to elicit sympathy, being honest, direct and succinct, and definitively ending communication, doesn't give him what he wants either. 

If the OP want to block/delete then go ahead. At my fundamental core, I really don't care what the hell she does. They are both complete strangers to me. 

[poppyfields]

Well said rjc, I'm 100% with ya about this.

And where did either myself or you, or anyone, say she OWES him compassion?  In big bold letters I might add, lol. 

To the contrary, I specifically wrote she does not OWE him compassion, nor does she owe him anything!  I posted that!  

All I said was that I thought a quick response back was the "kinder" thing to do.  There was no "demonizing" anyone who felt differently.

Good lordy, it boggles the mind how some people interpret and react to posts. As if having a different opinion is a personal affront against them!

To be clear, I totally get how some might believe ignoring and blocking is the "kinder" thing to do, and in some cases it is!

Maybe even in this case it is, or might be, who knows.

Or maybe the goal isn't to be kind, or unkind, they just don't give a fu*. Which is okay too!

I echo everything rjc posted, so I won't repeat.

We are all here to share our different opinions, no one is wrong or "absolutely" wrong, just because they disagree, geez.  Nor is anyone right. 

Just different. 

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

2 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Again, I'm not entirely clear on what boundary he's violated. Her privacy? Space? Comfort zone? He sent her a few messages on her social media account. All in all, he's been pretty harmless. Speculating that he will escalate his campaign of surveillance and stalking is paranoid.  

And again, I'm not sure what damaging consequence would arise from answering his question, then block/delete if his reaction indicated, clearly, that he would begin harassing her. 

Respond to the guy. Acknowledge that he exists. Answer succinctly and finally. If he's being manipulative and simply trying to elicit sympathy, being honest, direct and succinct, and definitively ending communication, doesn't give him what he wants either. 

If the OP want to block/delete then go ahead. At my fundamental core, I really don't care what the hell she does. They are both complete strangers to me.

I find it hard to believe you really don't care. I mean, I wasn't even addressing you and here you are responding to me by repeating stuff you've already mentioned in responses to other people. Surely, someone who didn't care would be able to let others weigh in with different perspectives without feeling the need to repeat herself/himself? Also, I haven't actually said anything about a stalking campaign. 

I think a good indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. Based on what OP says, this guy had unreasonable expectations of how fast a relationship should progress from the get go. And then, after three dates (not even a relationship) he was heartbroken.

She already gave him a kind, polite explanation for why things wouldn't work out. But he still wants a further explanation months later. Does anyone actually think he wants her to repeat the same words she said before? He has tried to get her to engage by responding to her stories. It hasn't worked. So now he's going for the "woe is me" approach. He is looking for engagement that will lead to something more. These are perfect examples of someone being given an inch an demanding a mile. A guy without that sense of entitlement would have behaved very differently at the dating stage and subsequently.

As far as boundaries go, I spoke of her not setting firm boundaries. I was referring to her keeping the guy as a social media contact under circumstances that didn't warrant it. They're not friends, they didn't have a relationship, she's not comfortable interacting with him. So why keep him as a contact?

[rjc149]

9 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I find it hard to believe you really don't care. I mean, I wasn't even addressing you and here you are responding to me by repeating stuff you've already mentioned in responses to other people. Surely, someone who didn't care would be able to let others weigh in with different perspectives without feeling the need to repeat herself/himself? Also, I haven't actually said anything about a stalking campaign. 

I think a good indicator of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. Based on what OP says, this guy had unreasonable expectations of how fast a relationship should progress from the get go. And then, after three dates (not even a relationship) he was heartbroken.

She already gave him a kind, polite explanation for why things wouldn't work out. But he still wants a further explanation months later. Does anyone actually think he wants her to repeat the same words she said before? He has tried to get her to engage by responding to her stories. It hasn't worked. So now he's going for the "woe is me" approach. He is looking for engagement that will lead to something more. These are perfect examples of someone being given an inch an demanding a mile. A guy without that sense of entitlement would have behaved very differently at the dating stage and subsequently.

As far as boundaries go, I spoke of her not setting firm boundaries. I was referring to her keeping the guy as a social media contact under circumstances that didn't warrant it. They're not friends, they didn't have a relationship, she's not comfortable interacting with him. So why keep him as a contact?

I care enough to opine and have a light debate about my opinion, but not enough to fly off the handle and launch tirades at other posters.

My original point, actually, was to answer the guys questions directly and honestly, not so much take the nice, candy-coated route and soothe his pain. He needs an answer? Give it to him.

”You were needy and and clingy, you put me on too much of a pedestal which turned me off, and you drink too much.” 

But at least acknowledge his existence. Unless they are pestering, harassing, or baiting you, ignoring people is childish. 
 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

I care enough to opine and have a light debate about my opinion

But debating  for the sake of debating is derailing the thread away from advice. Why not start a thread on contacting exes for feedback months after a breakup? My advice to the thread starter is to block and delete. No response required. 

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

But debating  for the sake of debating is derailing the thread away from advice. Why not start a thread on contacting exes for feedback months after a breakup? My advice to the thread starter is to block and delete. No response required. 

No I think the advice being offered here is pretty clear and isn’t getting derailed by opinions on the advice being given. 

School A advises to simply ignore this guy.

School B advises to succinctly answer his question before ending the communication, to show some acknowledgment of his existence. 

Personally I believe ignoring people as a go-to dating/breakup MO is cowardly and immature. That’s my opinion. You are free to disagree.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not start a thread on contacting exes for feedback months after a breakup? My advice to the thread starter is to block and delete. No response required. 

That's actually not a bad idea, if someone wants to.  Maybe I will.  It would be interesting to see the responses!

I thought about this overnight, putting myself in his shoes, sending a drunk text like that months after breakup. 

And my thought was that, assuming he was drunk, do we know that for sure?  Anyway, assuming he was drunk, upon sobering up, he may be embarrassed as hell that he ever sent that text.

Upon sobering up, he may not want a response, he may just want to forget the whole thing!

I am going to admit that I can be a big sap sometimes, feeling too bad, sad and sorry for people who don't deserve it or where my sympathy is not justified. 

An example of my sappiness?  Anyone familiar with the story of Gary Gilmore?  Serial murderer who was executed by gunfire. His story was depicted in the book The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer, it won a Pulitzer Prize.

I read the book a few years back and became obsessed with him!  I went to the library to read the old newspaper clippings, etc. 

I felt sorry for him!  He had a horrendous upbringing, was sexually abused as a child and young adult, beaten, shuffled around.

The book depicted his poetry, his love letters to Nicole, he was quite sensitive.

But nevertheless, he was a serial murderer with no regard for human life, and here I was feeling sorry for him! Lol

No I would never open an orphanage for stray rejected men; an orphanage for stray pups, maybe!  Lol

But I still feel bad for them, for anyone struggling with such low self-esteem and rejection. 

And that message this guy sent asking - "what made me not good enough"?  I dunno, it broke my heart a little reading it. 

The thread Wiseman suggested would be interesting. 

Would you rather a text like that go ignored?

Or would you rather be told the harsh truth that your neediness and clinginness turned them off?

I'd never ask that question but if I did if given the choice, I'd rather be ignored. 

Like I said, upon sobering up or just awakening, he may be embarrassed he sent it and wish the whole thing never happened. 

 

Edited August 26, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

21 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Personally I believe ignoring people as a go-to dating/breakup MO is cowardly and immature. 

I agree rjc.  There is far too much ignoring, ghosting, and dismissing of people in today's dating environment for my liking. 

But I dunno, in this case, months after, a late night, probably drunk text, like I said in previous post, he may regret having sent it, and wants the whole thing to go away. 

Receiving a response may actually make him feel more embarrassed and worse. 

Apologies for the flip flop, I just had a chance to think more about it.

Edited August 26, 2020 by poppyfields