do I Say Something or Let it Go?

[poppyfields]

She doesn't "owe" him anything, and shes not wrong for ignoring and blocking.

But heck the guy is hurting and struggling, believes he's not good enough.

What's one more text acknowledging his text and his existence, and simply saying no chemistry, and wish him well?

To be ignored and not acknowledged is one of the worst feelings in the world.  To do so while the guy is already down is well, just not a kind thing to do, again jmo.

I've done it when harrassed but his text was a far cry from harrassment.

 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[Timshel]

22 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Why is it "icy" advice to advise emma to instill some boundaries with this guy? 

When you dump someone, you don't continue to validate their feelings.

Yes, it's icy.  The guy does not seem to be a stalker sort.  I don't know what goes on with the social media types these days but I have to say, people aren't dumped....not if one has decency.

[rjc149]

37 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Why is it "icy" advice to advise emma to instill some boundaries with this guy? 

She doesn't owe him any more communication. At best, just delete and block the guy and be done with him. She's not his therapist. She's someone he sort of new a few months casually, before they tried going out on a few dates. That does not equate "close friend." 

When you dump someone, you don't continue to validate their feelings. That's what I mean by it was irresponsible for emma to keep him on her social media, where he can monitor her personal life and have direct contact with her. That's just not smart of her, at all. She needs to delete and block him and be done with him, or it appears he'll continue to contact her demanding to know why she rejected him. 

No one owes anyone kindness or compassion. These are human emotions we extend to people who are hurt, or that we've hurt. It's totally unnecessary to be kind to anyone. You're 100% right about that. 

The spirit of the rest of your concern seems pretty paranoid. We've all kept tabs on exes in some form. Social media facilitates that, but isn't the root of that compulsion, to feel like we're still connected to someone we were once connected to. I hardly think this qualifies as a psycho ex conducting surveillance on her, waiting for his opportunity to strike. He liked her. He's hurt. He, like many of us after being dumped, seek comfort from answers.

I'm unsure of what boundaries he's violated at this point. 

Edited August 24, 2020 by rjc149

[amerikajin]

57 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Wow. Some icy advice here. 

I'm not sure I'd call it "entitlement" or that he deserves to be blocked and treated like unwanted garbage. Regardless of how long ago it was, or how long you dated, he clearly really liked you. The rejection hurt him. Some men can handle that, some can't handle it as well. 

Unless he is harassing you (which a DM here and there doesn't constitute), or unless you really need to feel on top by kicking a man when he's down, I suggest you communicate like an adult, and answer his question honestly and with some empathy. 

"I felt you were clingy and smothering and honestly it turned me off. I also didn't like your drinking habits. I'm sorry, but it was for the best and I wish you the best."

Maybe you can offer him an opportunity to grow and become a more attractive man in general, instead of piling it on the poor guy. 

If he can't handle that, then consider blocking him. But just remember, kindness and understanding tends to get you further in life. 

I'm speaking as someone who used to be like the guy she's referring to: desperate to be in a relationship and forever frustrated that I couldn't find one, and I took rejection personally. I would not have felt any better about reading "Well honestly, I think you were clingy." In fact I might have felt worse. You're assuming that people know that they're "clingy" and what "clingy" means.

I suppose she could say "You're a good dude but there just wasn't chemistry."

[rjc149]

10 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I'm speaking as someone who used to be like the guy she's referring to: desperate to be in a relationship and forever frustrated that I couldn't find one, and I took rejection personally. I would not have felt any better about reading "Well honestly, I think you were clingy." In fact I might have felt worse. You're assuming that people know that they're "clingy" and what "clingy" means.

I suppose she could say "You're a good dude but there just wasn't chemistry."

It's not necessarily about trying to make him feel better or worse, it's about extending the basic human courtesy of acknowledging his existence and that a connection to him once existed. He's nursing a wound. He hasn't done anything at this point to warrant being iced. 

Given that icing the guy doesn't seem necessary at this point, it just seems mean-spirited. Like "show this drunken prick what's what!" Excessive. 

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She doesn't "owe" him anything, and shes not wrong for ignoring and blocking.

Agree. Who needs to see DMs like this. It's not anyone's job to educate him on being a better person. Besides what is she going to say? 'Stop getting drunk and sending creepy stuff"?

[poppyfields]

23 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I'm speaking as someone who used to be like the guy she's referring to: desperate to be in a relationship and forever frustrated that I couldn't find one, and I took rejection personally. I would not have felt any better about reading "Well honestly, I think you were clingy." In fact I might have felt worse. You're assuming that people know that they're "clingy" and what "clingy" means.

I suppose she could say "You're a good dude but there just wasn't chemistry."

That's exactly what I posted too.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Who needs to see DMs like this. It's not anyone's job to educate him on being a better person. Besides what is she going to say? 'Stop getting drunk and sending creepy stuff"?

Oh come on, read my response and amerikajin's, no need for her to be obnoxious and cruel.

Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[Timshel]

7 hours ago, emmab219 said:

He was a bit of a heavy drinker too, so ultimately I called it off because of all these things combined and also for the simple fact that I realized I just didn't have strong romantic feelings for him. I haven't seen or talked to him since. I know he watches my social media stories though because sometimes he'll send me random messages in response to those. Always late at night, so I don't want to assume it's after he's been drinking but seems likely. I never respond.

Anyways, I wake up Saturday morning and have a dm from him. It says, not even kidding, 'why wasn't I good enough, I don't understand'. .....At first I was just in disbelief, and then I got annoyed, and now I'm a little mad about it.He's absolutely entitled to feel how he feels. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

 

6 hours ago, emmab219 said:

That seems an awful lot of time to still be harboring those kinds of feelings when we never even made it to a full-fledged relationship. I think we had three dates over a three week period. 

I think the kindest thing for me to do would be not to say anything, and unfriend him from my social media. 

Good heavens, you have kept this man on your social media and sending messages for months, months?  I will not never mind my above posts because, this is your fault, not his.  Why have you left him to post and now you are suddenly put out.  You should have blocked him when you told him the first time that it wasn't a match.

Watercolors is correct that you have for some reason enjoyed this drama. 

[DarrenB]

Some people DESPISE not getting the response they seek, so they often tend to resort to passive-aggressive actions like he has done.

On top of that there's an abundance of other reasons as to why he's done so: anxiety, lack of self confidence, hates rejection, massive ego... the list goes on.

However this is not a scenario you need to make yourself worry or warrant the thought of. You've done everything you could from your behalf, this is an issue with him that he needs to get over.

I recommend you block and forget this ever happened. Save yourself unnecessary commotion.

 

[amerikajin]

3 hours ago, rjc149 said:

It's not necessarily about trying to make him feel better or worse, it's about extending the basic human courtesy of acknowledging his existence and that a connection to him once existed. He's nursing a wound. He hasn't done anything at this point to warrant being iced. 

Given that icing the guy doesn't seem necessary at this point, it just seems mean-spirited. Like "show this drunken prick what's what!" Excessive. 

I see your point.

I don't know...I've just seen too many instances in which someone who can't accept that it's over keeps demanding to know why and refusing to take a hint. I can think of several instances in which things would have been a lot easier had the girl who rejected or dumped the guy after a few dates just slammed the door shut right off the bat. Yes, it can come across as harsh, but the rejection itself is harsh. Some guys just don't want to take a hint and engaging with them just gives them even more reason to get angry, which seems counter-intuitive, but as I've said, I've seen this dynamic go down.

That's why I acknowledged maybe there's a middle ground. A short but sweet post: You're a good dude but we should see other people." But there again, you're inviting another response. "WHY?! WTF?!"

[rjc149]

2 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

I see your point.

I don't know...I've just seen too many instances in which someone who can't accept that it's over keeps demanding to know why and refusing to take a hint. I can think of several instances in which things would have been a lot easier had the girl who rejected or dumped the guy after a few dates just slammed the door shut right off the bat. Yes, it can come across as harsh, but the rejection itself is harsh. Some guys just don't want to take a hint and engaging with them just gives them even more reason to get angry, which seems counter-intuitive, but as I've said, I've seen this dynamic go down.

That's why I acknowledged maybe there's a middle ground. A short but sweet post: You're a good dude but we should see other people." But there again, you're inviting another response. "WHY?! WTF?!"

Well if he can't accept an honest answer, and further communication from him becomes unwanted, harassing or malicious, then blocking him is the next step. But he basically just asked "why didn't you like me?" And the advice is basically to act affronted -- 'how dare he? Block him!'

Preemptively blocking someone who is just asking for some closure, on the possibility that he may not take it well, is just sort of mean-spirited. 

From a personal perspective, this guy needs to get out and date more so he's not reacting like this. After 3 dates (not sure if she mentioned hooking up with him), he shouldn't be sulking about it a month later. The OP should be 2-3 new dates ago. But I don't think punishing him for expressing hurt and wanting closure is the right way to handle it either. 

If you frequent these threads long enough, there's a stock formula that much of the advice follows, BDMO (Block Delete Move On) which I think is sometimes just a knee-jerk, one-size-fits-all response given without really trying to understand the particulars of a situation. While it's an effective coping method for healing after being dumped, it's overkill for this scenario and kind of cold.  

[ccas93]

41 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

If you frequent these threads long enough, there's a stock formula that much of the advice follows, BDMO (Block Delete Move On) which I think is sometimes just a knee-jerk, one-size-fits-all response given without really trying to understand the particulars of a situation. While it's an effective coping method for healing after being dumped, it's overkill for this scenario and kind of cold.  

100%, over the course of the last year that I've been on this site, a lot of the advice is telling you that you can have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your past lover. You cannot say any words to them or acknowledge their existence in anyway if you wish to move on. It's very extreme. And I don't even know very many couples at all who I met in my life who completely severed ties in every way after breaking up.

[Watercolors]

5 hours ago, Timshel said:

 

Good heavens, you have kept this man on your social media and sending messages for months, months?  I will not never mind my above posts because, this is your fault, not his.  Why have you left him to post and now you are suddenly put out.  You should have blocked him when you told him the first time that it wasn't a match.

Watercolors is correct that you have for some reason enjoyed this drama. 

Thank you Timshel! 

I was trying to say exactly what you said; that for some reason, emma has kept this guy on her social media because she enjoys the attention he gives her, despite their 3 dates over 3 months going nowhere (for her, at least). That's why I said I thought her actions were irresponsible -- because they indicate that she needs "fans" on her social media (like many people tend to do these days, when they add EVERYONE they ever came into contact with regardless of the context of their interaction). 

That she treats this guy like a social "fan" (not friend since she doesn't initiate communication with him, but instead purportedly receives drunken late night instant messages from him to her social media over the past few months since she rejected him). This is what confounds me about the way some people use social media as a way to build their insta influencer presence or Facebook presence by adding everyone they ever came into contact with in real life, regardless of their real life context with each other. 

She isn't doing this poor guy any favors, keeping him strung along the way she is (and refuses to acknowledge) by not deleting/blocking him from her social media. He can't move on from her rejection, because she won't let him. Now, after months of receiving his late night drunk messages, she's wondering what to do?

Befuddlement. Just pure befuddlement on my part. 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Watercolors

[Wiseman2]

Creepy. Delete and block from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Velvet teddy]

22 hours ago, emmab219 said:

It is sad. 

More sad considering we only had a few dates and that was months ago, and he's still thinking about it. I don't really think I'm worth all that, but he must be struggling with some other stuff. I think it'd be easier for both of us for me to unfriend him. 

He's obsessive or in lust. 

Maybe shoot him one small message, say he'll find someone better suited to him and wish him the best  of luck.

Then block. 

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[Velvet teddy]

16 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Personally, if I were him, I would appreciate some harsh honesty, delivered compassionately. It may get him to open his eyes about how attraction works. I realize that's an unpopular opinion 'round these parts, that a man can improve his game and appeal to women by shedding certain personality traits and adopting stronger ones. But I stand by it!

I remember in college, when my 1st "girlfriend" dumped me (we were official for like 2 months), I asked her something similar, and she told me straight up. "You're a people-pleaser, and you smoke too much weed."

I still really appreciate that honesty because it was really what I needed to hear, in its raw form, at that point in my life. I would have hated some "it's not you, it's me" excuse because it motivated me to become better. 

Not everyone can handle truths. He doesn't sound like he's in a very good place.

Its probably best she doesn't go further than they're not compatible and leave it at that.

[Wiseman2]

Relationship exit interviews and postmortems are ridiculous because they are way too subjective. Why would someone who dumped you's opinion even matter? This guy knows what to do. Stop getting drunk. No one owes him an education in how to be less creepy.

[rjc149]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relationship exit interviews and postmortems are ridiculous because they are way too subjective. Why would someone who dumped you's opinion even matter? This guy knows what to do. Stop getting drunk. No one owes him an education in how to be less creepy.

You're being a bit harsh on the guy, and exaggerating the situation (perhaps for sardonic effect). 

He asked a question. Maybe he wasn't seeking an honest answer, and was just expressing his hurt. But it's really no skin off the OP's back to take maybe 15-20 seconds and respond to him politely, honestly, and succinctly. It's not delivering an education. Again I don't think he's done anything at this point to warrant being ignored and cut off. 

You're acting like it takes a special kind of degenerate psychopath to have a few too many drinks, look up someone you used to date, and drunk text them asking for closure. That is, if you're being serious. Which is honestly a little hard to discern. 

[amerikajin]

14 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Well if he can't accept an honest answer, and further communication from him becomes unwanted, harassing or malicious, then blocking him is the next step. But he basically just asked "why didn't you like me?" And the advice is basically to act affronted -- 'how dare he? Block him!'

Preemptively blocking someone who is just asking for some closure, on the possibility that he may not take it well, is just sort of mean-spirited. 

From a personal perspective, this guy needs to get out and date more so he's not reacting like this. After 3 dates (not sure if she mentioned hooking up with him), he shouldn't be sulking about it a month later. The OP should be 2-3 new dates ago. But I don't think punishing him for expressing hurt and wanting closure is the right way to handle it either. 

If you frequent these threads long enough, there's a stock formula that much of the advice follows, BDMO (Block Delete Move On) which I think is sometimes just a knee-jerk, one-size-fits-all response given without really trying to understand the particulars of a situation. While it's an effective coping method for healing after being dumped, it's overkill for this scenario and kind of cold.  

I think there's a difference between blocking someone with whom you've had a long connection and blocking someone with whom the connection has been limited and then drunk posts demanding to know why he got rejected. There's a difference between wanting answers when there's shared connection and shared history, and wanting answers when you're just searching.

Look, I know of absolutely nobody who wants to hear "You're just not that attractive to me," but unfortunately, "I like you as a friend" is about as close and as diplomatic as one can put it, and if someone can't take the hint, then they need to get a friggin clue - they can be like the rest of us clueless blokes and read up on some dating advice websites or something to up their game a little. I say this as someone who's been rejected numerous times. Yes, I wanted to know, too, but I knew it was stupid to ask. You just gotta accept that she just ain't into you. It's obvious. Take your licks and move on, and figure out how to be more attractive.

ETA: I just re-read the OP and saw that she was getting random responses to her social media stories. Sorry but that's just downright creepy as f---. The OP doesn't owe him shyte.

Edited August 25, 2020 by amerikajin

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

 have a few too many drinks, look up someone you used to date, and drunk text them asking for closure. 

Indeed creepy as hell. 

[poppyfields]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Indeed creepy as hell. 

Wise, I assume you're a bit older but can you reflect back to when you were young, a bit unsure of yourself, insecure, drank a bit too much at times, and texted an old flame asking what might be considered a needy question? 

I think we've all done it, and agree some might consider it "creepy" depending on context. 

In this instance, I would not find it creepy but sad.

Heck I'm not even the one who dated him, and my heart broke for him when reading his message.

But then again, some of us have hearts bigger than others, or maybe we're saps, but imo better to err on the side of kindness than apathy.

Edited August 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[rjc149]

1 minute ago, amerikajin said:

I think there's a difference between blocking someone with whom you've had a long connection and blocking someone with whom the connection has been limited and then drunk posts demanding to know why he got rejected. There's a difference between wanting answers when there's shared connection and shared history, and wanting answers when you're just searching.

Look, I know of absolutely nobody who wants to hear "You're just not that attractive to me," but unfortunately, "I like you as a friend" is about as close and as diplomatic as one can put it, and if someone can't take the hint, then they need to get a friggin clue - they can be like the rest of us clueless blokes and read up on some dating advice websites or something to up their game a little. I say this as someone who's been rejected numerous times. Yes, I wanted to know, too, but I knew it was stupid to ask. You just gotta accept that she just ain't into you. It's obvious. Take your licks and move on, and figure out how to be more attractive.

I would tend to agree, except it's not a big ask to just answer the guy's question.

I get that much of the BDMO advice being given on this, by women, has clearly been influenced by experiences with men who don't take rejection well. Which is understandable. A lot of guys don't. The concern here seems to be that just answering the question is inviting a sh-tstorm of creepy psycho behavior. That concern is exaggerated at this time. 

I think it's possible for this to go as follows:

"Why wasn't I good enough?"

"Honestly, I thought you were cute, but I wasn't feeling a spark with your personality and realized after the 3rd date that you just aren't right for me. There is a girl who is right for you, it's just not me. Please respect my feelings and my decision. Take care."

If the guy then launches some angry, butthurt tirade, then BDMO is the appropriate move. I just don't think taking preemptive BDMO action against this guy is warranted at this point.   

[rjc149]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

better to err on the side of kindness than apathy.

[rjc149]

18 minutes ago, amerikajin said:

Take your licks and move on, and figure out how to be more attractive.

Personally, I would have appreciated the women who've rejected me to give me some clues lol. But yes, ultimately it's something men must figure out on their own.