do I Say Something or Let it Go?

August 24, 2020

So I went out with this guy back in June. We'd already known each other for a few months. He was very sweet, but came on extremely strong almost right away (telling me he'd do anything for me, and essentially just making me feel almost like I was on a pedestal and I can't stand that feeling). He was a bit of a heavy drinker too, so ultimately I called it off because of all these things combined and also for the simple fact that I realized I just didn't have strong romantic feelings for him. I haven't seen or talked to him since. I know he watches my social media stories though because sometimes he'll send me random messages in response to those. Always late at night, so I don't want to assume it's after he's been drinking but seems likely. I never respond.

Anyways, I wake up Saturday morning and have a dm from him. It says, not even kidding, 'why wasn't I good enough, I don't understand'. .....At first I was just in disbelief, and then I got annoyed, and now I'm a little mad about it. When I ended things with him, I tried to be kind and essentially just said I wasn't feeling it and didn't want to force something, and that I just wasn't connecting with him in the way I wanted to. So why is he coming at me now, months later, with something like that? It makes me almost want to call him out about it. Is it better to just let this go, or should I say something? I just don't feel like it's okay to send someone something passive aggressive like that MONTHS after you stopped dating and only had a handful of dates to begin with. Or maybe I'm in the wrong here for feeling so irritated. He's absolutely entitled to feel how he feels. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

August 24, 2020

Block him?

August 24, 2020

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Block him?

I think that's probably the best route. Normally his messages are just super harmless but this was out of nowhere and really pissed me off. So yeah, I think I'll unfriend him at the very least since all my stuff is private.

Not sure why I didn't think of that before making this post but thank you for making it very clear to me what I need to do.

August 24, 2020

Yes, I would block.

He's got some deeper issues that likely have nothing to do with you. I wouldn't respond to the self-loathing.

August 24, 2020

17 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

, 'why wasn't I good enough, I don't understand'. .

That is incredibly sad actually
I don't mean sad = pathetic, just sad.

August 24, 2020

Some people have a hard time with rejection. I would just go ahead and block. At least you were honest and didn't lead him on. He'll be okay.

August 24, 2020

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Some people have a hard time with rejection. I would just go ahead and block. At least you were honest and didn't lead him on. He'll be okay.

No, as soon as I realized I wasn't feeling it I let him know.

My initial response was to be angry he was trying to almost deflect blame on to me, but I think he just has some internal issues going on.

August 24, 2020

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That is incredibly sad actually
I don't mean sad = pathetic, just sad.

It is sad.

More sad considering we only had a few dates and that was months ago, and he's still thinking about it. I don't really think I'm worth all that, but he must be struggling with some other stuff. I think it'd be easier for both of us for me to unfriend him.

August 24, 2020

Your opportunity to lay it out to him, is long gone. All he's doing is stalking and harassing you. Engaging him will only exasperate the situation. He will know he's got your attention and keep bugging you. Blocking him will send a clear message that he will have to figure it out on his own, and hopefully get some help.

August 24, 2020

It's better to block. No response from you will ease his mind. It's better to ignore and block so he is forced to move on.

August 24, 2020

6 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

It is sad.

More sad considering we only had a few dates and that was months ago, and he's still thinking about it. I don't really think I'm worth all that, but he must be struggling with some other stuff. I think it'd be easier for both of us for me to unfriend him.

Or you could try and be understanding about the fact that he was more invested than you and the rejection was difficult... and still is. I'd say that rather than being angry you could be compassionate. That doesn't mean you have to engage, but a short message saying you're sorry but you can't help how you feel any more than he can, and wishing him well, wouldn't really cost you anything.

There is a woman I went on a couple of dates with, and who I tried being friends with for awhile, but she developed an intense infatuation that she can't get over. She struggled and went from confessing her feelings to being angry and frustrated. There is nothing I can do because, like you, I just don't feel the same (never even kissed her). But the last thing I'd want to do would be to dismiss her as if she's no use to me and therefore her feelings don't matter. When you have the option, be kind.

August 24, 2020

I agree with everyone here, you should block him. He's been cyberstalking you all these months, he never let it go after you rejected him.

All those other messages he sent before that last one was him just testing the waters to see if there still was a chance

August 24, 2020

12 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Or you could try and be understanding about the fact that he was more invested than you and the rejection was difficult... and still is. I'd say that rather than being angry you could be compassionate. That doesn't mean you have to engage, but a short message saying you're sorry but you can't help how you feel any more than he can, and wishing him well, wouldn't really cost you anything.

There is a woman I went on a couple of dates with, and who I tried being friends with for awhile, but she developed an intense infatuation that she can't get over. She struggled and went from confessing her feelings to being angry and frustrated. There is nothing I can do because, like you, I just don't feel the same (never even kissed her). But the last thing I'd want to do would be to dismiss her as if she's no use to me and therefore her feelings don't matter. When you have the option, be kind.

I get this, and I do agree. However, I feel I was compassionate at first when we first broke up. I've been on the other side of rejection so I know that it's rough. My anger comes from him trying to deflect the blame onto me, when it's not my fault I just don't feel the same way. Although it's more irritation, I think. What threw me the most was that it's been three months now. That seems an awful lot of time to still be harboring those kinds of feelings when we never even made it to a full-fledged relationship. I think we had three dates over a three week period.

I think the kindest thing for me to do would be not to say anything, and unfriend him from my social media.

August 24, 2020

38 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

It is sad.

More sad considering we only had a few dates and that was months ago, and he's still thinking about it. I don't really think I'm worth all that, but he must be struggling with some other stuff. I think it'd be easier for both of us for me to unfriend him.

Block and delete him from your Facebook and Twitter and cellphone. I'm just curious why you thought keeping him on your Facebook, Insta, Twitter -- whatever social media you have -- was a good idea, when you rejected him after a few dates? Did you just want to be friends with him?

This is what I don't understand about people. You reject someone yet you keep them active on your social media. What that does though, is offer them breadcrumbs of maybe there's a second chance with you (when that's not what you intend). When I reject someone, there's no way in hell I'd keep them as a Facebook friend or on my Insta, because 1) I rejected them and 2) I don't want them to know what's going on with my life or 3) give them false hope.

And whatever this guy's issues are, take some responsibility here emma. You kept him on your social media after you dumped him. What did you think would happen? Be more responsible with people's feelings in the future. Or, is it that you want Facebook "fans" and not friends?

August 24, 2020

17 minutes ago, emmab219 said:

I think the kindest thing for me to do would be not to say anything, and unfriend him from my social media.

That's certainly the easiest thing, and the advice everyone else is giving (really tough crowd). But from his perspective it's going to feel like another rejection. He's already struggling with worthiness issues based on the note he sent. It would not be hard to validate him as a person, recognize his feeling, and reiterate that you aren't interested. No more engagement than that, and then block on social media after a week. That's my suggestion for what it's worth.

August 24, 2020

1 hour ago, emmab219 said:

I think that's probably the best route. Normally his messages are just super harmless but this was out of nowhere and really pissed me off. So yeah, I think I'll unfriend him at the very least since all my stuff is private.

Not sure why I didn't think of that before making this post but thank you for making it very clear to me what I need to do.

Yeah you could block. In any case, I wouldn't respond. He wants a reaction from you. Don't give him one.

People that cannot gain access to your in a "good" way will sometimes resort to a bad way to get your attention, That's what he is trying to do. Your position hasn't changed you don't want to date him & felt like you let him down clearly & kindly. Therefore, you don't need to say more. He can have his tantrum alone. That's all it is.

If you think it will escalate where you it's better to have a record in case it legit becomes dangerous. I wouldn't block but keep a record of things in case you need to escalate it for your safety with authorities.

Definitely unfriend or block on social media.

August 24, 2020

33 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Block and delete him from your Facebook and Twitter and cellphone. I'm just curious why you thought keeping him on your Facebook, Insta, Twitter -- whatever social media you have -- was a good idea, when you rejected him after a few dates? Did you just want to be friends with him?

This is what I don't understand about people. You reject someone yet you keep them active on your social media. What that does though, is offer them breadcrumbs of maybe there's a second chance with you (when that's not what you intend). When I reject someone, there's no way in hell I'd keep them as a Facebook friend or on my Insta, because 1) I rejected them and 2) I don't want them to know what's going on with my life or 3) give them false hope.

And whatever this guy's issues are, take some responsibility here emma. You kept him on your social media after you dumped him. What did you think would happen? Be more responsible with people's feelings in the future. Or, is it that you want Facebook "fans" and not friends?

We knew each other and were somewhat friends before we tried to date, so that was the reason he was on my social media at all. I didn't delete him immediately after because of that reason, and honestly didn't even think about it. I don't think his feelings are my responsibility anymore to be honest. I ended things with him in a kind manner and moved on with my life. Social media is a two way street and he very well could have removed me from his friends list as well. I don't think it was breadcrumbing not immediately deleting him.

August 24, 2020

1 hour ago, emmab219 said:

So I went out with this guy back in June. We'd already known each other for a few months. He was very sweet, but came on extremely strong almost right away (telling me he'd do anything for me, and essentially just making me feel almost like I was on a pedestal and I can't stand that feeling). He was a bit of a heavy drinker too, so ultimately I called it off because of all these things combined and also for the simple fact that I realized I just didn't have strong romantic feelings for him. I haven't seen or talked to him since. I know he watches my social media stories though because sometimes he'll send me random messages in response to those. Always late at night, so I don't want to assume it's after he's been drinking but seems likely. I never respond.

Anyways, I wake up Saturday morning and have a dm from him. It says, not even kidding, 'why wasn't I good enough, I don't understand'. .....At first I was just in disbelief, and then I got annoyed, and now I'm a little mad about it. When I ended things with him, I tried to be kind and essentially just said I wasn't feeling it and didn't want to force something, and that I just wasn't connecting with him in the way I wanted to. So why is he coming at me now, months later, with something like that? It makes me almost want to call him out about it. Is it better to just let this go, or should I say something? I just don't feel like it's okay to send someone something passive aggressive like that MONTHS after you stopped dating and only had a handful of dates to begin with. Or maybe I'm in the wrong here for feeling so irritated. He's absolutely entitled to feel how he feels. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

Agree with others: block or unfriend him. Unless you're married or engaged, you don't owe someone an explanation after a few dates. It's understood that 'No hard feelings, but just not that interested.'

August 24, 2020

2 hours ago, emmab219 said:

We knew each other and were somewhat friends before we tried to date, so that was the reason he was on my social media at all. I didn't delete him immediately after because of that reason, and honestly didn't even think about it. I don't think his feelings are my responsibility anymore to be honest. I ended things with him in a kind manner and moved on with my life. Social media is a two way street and he very well could have removed me from his friends list as well. I don't think it was breadcrumbing not immediately deleting him.

You just proved my point though. You're not great friends with this guy -- you barely knew him before you went on a couple of dates with him. It is totally irresponsible of you to keep him as an Insta or Facebook friend or "fan" (a term I use for people who just pack their social media platforms with profiles of people they met once or twice) after you dumped him. While it is true that social media is a two way street, I think you're being immature here emma. You knew he'd pine for you and stalk your social media profiles yet you didn't delete or block him. Your "compassion" reason is faulty because I consider myself a nice person, but I have extremely strict boundaries with people. If they are an acquaintance and we have a falling out, I delete them.

I also never add men to my social media if I barely know them, or if we went on a couple of dates. I only add people I know and trust and have an offline real friendship or relationship with. I realize that not everyone is like me in that sense. Many people have 5,000 friends or "fans" because they are social butterflies and add everyone to their social media platforms after meeting them.

So, I think you need to decide moving forward, how you are going to assert boundaries with men you met in real life or online, with regard to when/if you should add them to your social media. The consequences -- as you've learned with this guy -- are sometimes going to surprise and disappoint you, when you are not more careful.

August 24, 2020

4 hours ago, emmab219 said:

I wake up Saturday morning and have a dm from him. It says, not even kidding, 'why wasn't I good enough, I don't understand'.

It's time to block and delete him from All your social media and All your messaging apps. Who needs this drunken drivel showing up?

August 24, 2020

I agree with salparadise, and also elaine about this being sad.

Sounds like the guy is really struggling. Instead of inserting the knife deeper into the wound by ignoring and blocking him, why not respond by saying, "its not that you're not good enough, of course you're good enough, your're a great guy, I just wasn't feeling the right chemisty, that's all."

Or something like that. If he keeps pestering, then block.

I don't get why you think he's placing blame on you, the guy simply asked why he didn't think he was good enough, how is that your fault?

I dunno, just me but I would not have the heart to ignore him, he's hurting and struggling.

A simple message saying he IS good enough, but the chemistry wasn't right may be all he needs.

August 24, 2020

Wow. Some icy advice here.

I'm not sure I'd call it "entitlement" or that he deserves to be blocked and treated like unwanted garbage. Regardless of how long ago it was, or how long you dated, he clearly really liked you. The rejection hurt him. Some men can handle that, some can't handle it as well.

Unless he is harassing you (which a DM here and there doesn't constitute), or unless you really need to feel on top by kicking a man when he's down, I suggest you communicate like an adult, and answer his question honestly and with some empathy.

"I felt you were clingy and smothering and honestly it turned me off. I also didn't like your drinking habits. I'm sorry, but it was for the best and I wish you the best."

Maybe you can offer him an opportunity to grow and become a more attractive man in general, instead of piling it on the poor guy.

If he can't handle that, then consider blocking him. But just remember, kindness and understanding tends to get you further in life.

August 24, 2020

17 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

"I felt you were clingy and smothering and honestly it turned me off. I also didn't like your drinking habits. I'm sorry, but it was for the best and I wish you the best."

rjc, I agree with your post, everything but the above.

Telling him he is clingy and smothering and it turned her off, while true (for the OP), will likely make him feel worse, it's not kind imo.

Another woman may have similar needs as he does, and be the perfect fit for him!

Better off (and kinder) simply saying he's a great guy, just not enough chemistry to move forward.

JMO

Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields

August 24, 2020

11 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Wow. Some icy advice here.

I'm not sure I'd call it "entitlement" or that he deserves to be blocked and treated like unwanted garbage. Regardless of how long ago it was, or how long you dated, he clearly really liked you. The rejection hurt him. Some men can handle that, some can't handle it as well.

Unless he is harassing you (which a DM here and there doesn't constitute), or unless you really need to feel on top by kicking a man when he's down, I suggest you communicate like an adult, and answer his question honestly and with some empathy.

"I felt you were clingy and smothering and honestly it turned me off. I also didn't like your drinking habits. I'm sorry, but it was for the best and I wish you the best."

Maybe you can offer him an opportunity to grow and become a more attractive man in general, instead of piling it on the poor guy.

If he can't handle that, then consider blocking him. But just remember, kindness and understanding tends to get you further in life.

Why is it "icy" advice to advise emma to instill some boundaries with this guy?

She doesn't owe him any more communication. At best, just delete and block the guy and be done with him. She's not his therapist. She's someone he sort of new a few months casually, before they tried going out on a few dates. That does not equate "close friend."

When you dump someone, you don't continue to validate their feelings. That's what I mean by it was irresponsible for emma to keep him on her social media, where he can monitor her personal life and have direct contact with her. That's just not smart of her, at all. She needs to delete and block him and be done with him, or it appears he'll continue to contact her demanding to know why she rejected him.

August 24, 2020

Just now, poppyfields said:

rjc, I agree with your post, everything but the above.

Telling him he is clingy and smothering, while true (for the OP), will likely make him feel worse, it's not kind imo.

Another woman may have similar needs as he does, and be the perfect fit for him.

Better off (and kinder) simply saying he's a great guy, just not enough chemistry to move forward.

JMO

Personally, if I were him, I would appreciate some harsh honesty, delivered compassionately. It may get him to open his eyes about how attraction works. I realize that's an unpopular opinion 'round these parts, that a man can improve his game and appeal to women by shedding certain personality traits and adopting stronger ones. But I stand by it!

I remember in college, when my 1st "girlfriend" dumped me (we were official for like 2 months), I asked her something similar, and she told me straight up. "You're a people-pleaser, and you smoke too much weed."

I still really appreciate that honesty because it was really what I needed to hear, in its raw form, at that point in my life. I would have hated some "it's not you, it's me" excuse because it motivated me to become better.

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